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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my Friend stepping on my toes

42 replies

Alltheprettysheep · 20/02/2016 14:15

Name changed

I've worked with my firm for many years, have built up a strong relationships with colleagues and have progressed in my career. I enjoy my job enormously and it has become a large part of my identity. Last year I was involved in a serious accident and since then have been on long term sick leave from work. I miss work and my 'normal' life enormously. I am not sure when I will return to work.

My close friend (from university) has just advised me that she is applying for a position at my firm that I would have applied for had I still been at work. Over the years I've discussed work issues with my friend and I know I will find it difficult to hear hear her talk about work and networking with colleagues I have become close to. It is a small - medium sized firm and everyone knows everyone. Generally, I prefer to keep work and personal life separate and can't help feeling uncomfortable about her application.

She has been very supportive of me after the accident and I feel conflicted in having these negative feelings about her application.

There is no shortage of work in our field (I.T) and I can't help asking my she has applied here. The position she is applying for would not represent a promotion or pay increase for her but would be good for her career.

I know she does not owe me anything and her first commitment is to herself but I still feel miffed.

Some perspective please.

OP posts:

t1mum · 20/02/2016 15:59

I'll go against the grain and say YANBVU (so perhaps a little unreasonable but not very). I would feel uncomfortable in your situation, but would try to look on the bright side.

acasualobserver · 20/02/2016 16:05

I enjoy my job enormously
Good

and it has become a large part of my identity
Not so good, IMO.

FrameyMcFrame · 20/02/2016 16:07

I can see why it might make you feel bad. I would probably expect a friend to sympathise with this really.

Is she applying for lots of jobs at the mo, or just focusing on this role?
A bit odd of her to do that really.

fuzzpig · 20/02/2016 16:14

I'm in the 'YABU but understandably so' camp. I'm really sorry you've gone through such a tough time.

I have been off long term sick and although my job is not a career like you have, I miss it so much and the feeling of being left out, of missing everything (there was an event that I instigated and helped plan (something that people at my level don't normally get to do) that was extremely successful in the end, and I didn't actually get to be there for it. I cried, a lot) is really getting me down. Seeing new staff appear and make friends with everyone, and on the odd occasion I manage to see my boss in person, feeling like the new staff just look at me like I'm nobody because I am nobody to them, just a name on a timetable with 'SICK' written across it. Seeing my little specialism get handed over to someone else - the first time I had a flare up, they never even told me they were doing that.

In my case I will not be going back there now as my health has deteriorated, and my GP has told me that I have to grieve for the life I'm leaving behind. I think in a way you need to do that too - even though when you've recovered you will be back, you have to let yourself feel what you're feeling in the meantime.

fuzzpig · 20/02/2016 16:20

and it has become a large part of my identity
Not so good, IMO

Don't think I agree with that really. I think for many (most) people a job is just a means to an end, but if it's something you are passionate about then I can see why it's a big part of who you are.

I feel a slight sense of that with my job - again, it's not a big high flying career or anything, but the job really 'brought me out of my shell' and I really miss the 'me' I am when I'm serving customers, building up relationships with them etc. I have a lot of elements to my identity outside of that, but I still miss the work part while I'm not there.

Italiangreyhound · 20/02/2016 16:22

I am so sorry to hear about your accident and really hope you will be well soon.

Please try to find some alternative reality for now which ticks some of the boxes you miss from work. Whether this is an online community or some time outside the home (if you can manage it) e.g. joining a choir, or something creative like painting or writing a journal/novel.

I understand why you feel this way but you are being unreasonable.

Concentrate on getting well and back into the life you love.

Do not hold onto any animosity or bitterness about your friends progress. Whether she/he does or does not get the job, just concentrate on getting well.

kawliga · 20/02/2016 16:33

YANBU. I totally get what you're saying OP. You are not feeling bad that your friend is advancing her own career, or that somebody will be getting opportunities you can't apply for because you're off sick, you are feeling betrayed by your friend applying for a position which she KNOWS that you have a strong professional and emotional link with, and which she has insider knowledge about because you've talked to her about it all these years. And on top of that you didn't willingly leave the job she's going after, you had an accident.

It's exactly like your best friend going out with your ex immediately after he dumps you. There are people who do this and thinks it's fair game as he's free now and you should be happy for them. Nonsense. Sure, you don't own your ex and you're not going out with him and you expect him to move on and you want him to be happy with another woman... but not your best friend who knows about him intimately from hearing you talking about him while you were together and who has many other options for friends she could have chosen to go out with. Like you've said, you're not in a field where she has limited options.

Some things are just too close to the bone. Yes, she has stepped on your toes. I've had a 'friend' do this to me when there were MANY other opportunities he could have pursued, and it did affect our friendship. It's like he felt like an 'internal candidate' because of all the years of listening to me talk about my workplace. I did not feel all warm and glowy because we were working together. In fact he became my 'competitor', going for opportunities he knew that I would love because I had spoken about them before he joined, and now he felt like any other workmate who is entitled to go after opportunities.

To be clear, this is not about feeling bad that OTHER PEOPLE or ANYBODY ELSE is now in your job, it is about your BEST FRIEND FROM UNI joining your work in your exact same position that she has been supporting you in and never once said 'you know, sounds lovely, I might go after it myself'. She might be your boss by the time you get back. YANBU.

I wouldn't mind if friends (remember, this is a close friend!) were honest and say something like 'your workplace sounds great, if an opportunity ever opens up there I'd love to apply' if that's what they're thinking. Wouldn't expect every random person to give you a heads up about their career plans, but your close friend from uni, who is eyeing your own job, that you have loved all these years, yes, it's the least she could have done. YANBU.

spillyobeans · 20/02/2016 16:36

Your upset because your not in position to apply, and that is hard, but its no reason your friend shouldnt and as others havevsaid thats unreasonable

3WiseWomen · 20/02/2016 16:46

I suspect that your issue has more to do about how you feel your life has changed and how you a missing your old life.

I don't really have an answer. My life has changed a lot with ME and I have had to learn to live within my own limitations. It's crap if you think about how things were before all the time and compare what you do/can do now to how it was (which your friend will give you a very strong reminder if she gets the job).

Maybe have a word with her and explain how you are finding things hard.

Do you have any idea of when/if you would be able to go back to work?

3WiseWomen · 20/02/2016 16:49

Btw I would only say she is stepping onto your toes IF she is applying for what is in effect your old position and you are due to go back to work soon.

If you have no idea when/if you will be able to go back to work yet, then it makes sense for the company to find someone to cover your job. I'm sure you know that.

It's hard though :(

kawliga · 20/02/2016 16:54

Well, she can't talk to this friend now about how she's finding it hard, because this friend is the person replacing her. How awkward. Of course OP reasonably expects to be replaced, but doesn't expect her best friend to jump up to the position armed with a lot of insider knowledge she has gained about this close-knit group, from listening to OP talk about them all these years. If it was a random person replacing her, OP wouldn't be on here! Her thread isn't saying 'AIBU to feel sad that my workplace has moved on without me and hired a replacement' her AIBU is about what her friend has done.

Just like nobody minds if their ex moves on, but people do mind if the person going after him next is their own best friend (or even their own sister, or their own mother, in some cases).

Babymamamama · 20/02/2016 17:02

I get how you feel. I wouldn't like it either. Not sure if there's an answer. Maybe she won't get the job in any case.

KitKat1985 · 20/02/2016 17:34

I can understand where you are coming from but your friend really isn't doing anything wrong, so I'm afraid I think YABU. If she doesn't get the job then someone else will.

WongTobyWong · 21/02/2016 01:11

Just another voice to say that I'm
Sorry that you are going through this. I know it's not the same, but I was off work for an extended period (for different reasons) and I hated it; I used to dream about my old job and it really did a number on my mental health. Keep your chin up.

flowery · 21/02/2016 04:22

kawliga that's not what's happening at all! The OPs friend isn't replacing her. She is applying for a different role in the organisation which the OP would have applied for had she been at work. Quite different.

There's also no suggestion that the friend is deviously using "insider knowledge" as you imply.

dreamiesrcatgak · 21/02/2016 15:28

I'm afraid I agree with Kawlinga. It's just a bit off, not something me, or any of my friends would do, feels very much like kicking you whilst you're down. It would be different if she had asked if you minded her applying, or you had previously had a chat about what it would be like to work together (given you are both in the same field) and both agreed this is something you would be agreeable to. But just to announce it feels very much like stepping on your toes, and the fact you're so unwell, and missing work makes it disloyal and hurtful too. I hope you feel better really soon.

mumeeee · 21/02/2016 18:35

YABU. She is entitled to apply for any job she likes.

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