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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask friend to ask first?

68 replies

petunia478 · 19/02/2016 16:40

I recently allowed a close friend who lives overseas to order some items online and have them sent to my home, in order to avoid some duty charges that she would have had to pay on them.

I posted them on to her and she thanked me. This week, however, she emailed to say that she was 'using my amazing postal reception service' again, and forwarded me the receipt for an order that she'd already made. I felt very annoyed that she had not asked me permission —of course I would have said yes, but it does create work for me to have to post things on, and she also has not yet reimbursed me for the postage of the original package (something I'd said it was fine for her to do when I see her next, but it adds up). In addition, if no one is home, the package will be sent do a depot which is quite far away.

She then responded by saying that our (long) friendship has been problematic for the last year and that she's not going to 'vent her frustrations' but she 'needs a break'. I feel very hurt by this: I do lend her a hand whenever I can for example, just last week I reviewed some work for her partner, who is trying to change career into the same field as me and I am pretty shocked that she would respond like this to me asking her not to take advantage of my address without checking with me first. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

StrictlyMumDancing · 19/02/2016 22:21

I had a friend like this. She would pull this crap when I dared to do something that offended her like not drop everything last minute to meet her randomly/not agree with everything she thought/dared to criticise her although that was the treatment she'd happily give me or others. For many reasons she is no longer a friend, but TBH with hindsight any enrichment she brought to my life did not countenance the negativity.

Stop apologising. Let her crawl back if and when she's ready. Take the time to evaluate whether she enriches your life enough to put up with bullshit, or whether you're happy to forgive and forget now but if it occurs again are you willing to put up with it.

kaitlinktm · 20/02/2016 11:41

I agree with the stop apologising - why is it your fault? if her message requires an answer, just say OK and leave her to it. I honestly don't think anyone who can take offence so easily (after you have done favours for her) and who apparently values you so little is worth the bother.

I had a toxic "friendship" like this once where I was always in the wrong and having to make amends. The relief when I finally saw the light was immense. I said "OK - if and when you are ready to take things up again, let me know, and I'll let you know if I'm ready". I had a tentative text suggesting a meeting ages afterwards, and I replied "No thanks." Not heard since - load off my mind.

rollonthesummer · 20/02/2016 11:48

So, is the order still being delivered to you or not?!

MintyChops · 20/02/2016 13:39

God what a massive overreaction by her. It's weird; I wonder if you will ever get to hear what these "frustrations" are. Would it bother you if you didn't?

thebiscuitindustry · 20/02/2016 14:41

YANBU. A real friend would have apologised for assuming you were a "postal reception service", and if she had "frustrations" with your friendship would talk them through instead of leaving you guessing. I think the "frustrations" were probably that you weren't a pushover!

ChoudeBruxelles · 20/02/2016 14:45

What has she ordered? Is it something nice? I'd be tempted to take the parcel sent to me at my address and keep it

Original poster

petunia478 · 21/02/2016 06:09

Update! Apparently the frustration is that I wasn't happy enough for her when she got together with her ex-partner (that's right, not her current partner).

I'm perplexed, but since I can hardly understand how she was valuing my expression of happiness (I feel like I was...happy for her in a regular way? I mean, I didn't throw her a parade or send her flowers...) I can only conclude that this is the end of the line for us. It does make me sad that this has been triggered by my reluctance to do her a favour without her having requested it beforehand, but it always makes me feel painfully aware that she viewed our friendship as being transactional, not a friendship.

OP posts:

dreame · 21/02/2016 06:41

Your ex friend seems to have ishoooooos. No need to be perplexed, you're not going to be able to work it out because it doesn't make sense!

It's sad to lose a friend, even if they're a "friend", but it sounds like this was waiting to happen, so better over a parcel than something more complicate that makes even less sense!

LastOneDancing · 21/02/2016 07:04

How bizarre.

Maybe you weren't doing a jig over her ex partner as they weren't well suited... hence him being an ex now? Anyway, that's irrelevant.

What a drama queen. Some people revel in that unnecessary, childish shite don't they? At least you don't have to faff with any more of her post.

StrictlyMumDancing · 21/02/2016 07:09

As perplexing as it is, its better that you now know how she views your relationship.

The friend I mentioned before viewed things quite transactionally too but with her there was some literal transaction - but I bought you a gift, how could you be upset by me being horrendous . I did my routine clearing of the wardrobes this week and realised in amongst all the kids stuff and my stuff that was too small/beyond repair/just didn't like was a lot of her gifts. Throwing them away/giving them to charity was exceptionally cathartic. Not sure you'll find a literal way like me to cleanse or will even want to!

OTheHugeManatee · 21/02/2016 07:34

This 'friend' sounds a bit strange. And a user. I'd say she's doing you a favour by taking a break from being your friend.

Collaborate · 21/02/2016 07:45

Looks like you can kiss goodbye to ever being reimbursed your postage unless you actually receive the second item, in which case you need to insist on payment for both before you release it.

Lovelydiscusfish · 21/02/2016 07:56

Just to look at it from another perspective, I think I too would take time out from (or even end) a friendship where I was called rude and accused of taking advantage.
I don't mean to criticise OP at all - if that's how she felt she had every right to say it, and, arguably, the friend was being rude.
But I think my attitude as the friend would be that life's to stressful and too short to continue in a friendship in which I faced this degree of criticism. But my adult friendships are perhaps unusually easy-going, and never really involve argument or criticism. If I'm upset with what a friend has done, I tend to fume quietly for a bit, and then either get over it, or cool the friendship. Not saying this is right - it's probably quite pathetic!

sykadelic · 21/02/2016 08:37

Lovelydiscusfish I sort of agree... except I would have to concede that it WAS incredibly rude to assume before asking, and whats more, to have ordered something else without having even paid for delivery of the first (which the OP will probably never see now).

Of course my view is skewed because people continually ask me to send on packages and never any sort of compensation/consideration for the effort/time on my part. I have decided, going forward, to ask for a "handling" fee for the randoms that ask (like the brother of my sisters friend from church that she hasn't seen in maybe 15 years, or the girl I went to school with 10 years ago...) It seems mean spirited until you actually add up the time of me repackaging, getting boxes, checking postage prices, communicating online, spending my lunch hour or weekend getting to the post office...

Original poster

petunia478 · 21/02/2016 11:03

@lovelydiscusfish you make not an entirely unfair point – of course it is within her rights for me saying that to have crossed the line. However, I was simply being honest about how I felt, this friend has always prided herself on her own bluntness, and I did couch my use of that language with an agreement to do the task for her – and furthermore apologised in my next message when it was clear that this had hurt her. On reflection, however, I suppose that I, too, have 'frustrations' that made me feel like I should call her out on this, after holding my tongue over a number of slights that made me feel frustrated and hurt. Which is good to reflect on.

OP posts:

OnlyLovers · 21/02/2016 12:57

So how long ago does this 'frustration' date from? And why the actual is she still stewing about it?

She needs a life. You're better off without her.

AyeAmarok · 21/02/2016 13:14

God, what a drama Queen!

Try not to lose any sleep over it OP, she sounds ridiculous.

tealoveryum · 21/02/2016 13:15

She sounds like the kind of 'honest' person who is happy to call people out on perceived slights but feels criticised if called out herself. Those people are exhausting and it's not worth walking on eggshells sometimes.

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