Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to ask friend to ask first?

68 replies

petunia478 · 19/02/2016 16:40

I recently allowed a close friend who lives overseas to order some items online and have them sent to my home, in order to avoid some duty charges that she would have had to pay on them.

I posted them on to her and she thanked me. This week, however, she emailed to say that she was 'using my amazing postal reception service' again, and forwarded me the receipt for an order that she'd already made. I felt very annoyed that she had not asked me permission —of course I would have said yes, but it does create work for me to have to post things on, and she also has not yet reimbursed me for the postage of the original package (something I'd said it was fine for her to do when I see her next, but it adds up). In addition, if no one is home, the package will be sent do a depot which is quite far away.

She then responded by saying that our (long) friendship has been problematic for the last year and that she's not going to 'vent her frustrations' but she 'needs a break'. I feel very hurt by this: I do lend her a hand whenever I can for example, just last week I reviewed some work for her partner, who is trying to change career into the same field as me and I am pretty shocked that she would respond like this to me asking her not to take advantage of my address without checking with me first. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 19/02/2016 18:32

She's being very unfair in that she isn't willing to say what it is that has upset her over the past year. Ask her to please tell you. Then decide whether you are willing or want to make it up.

As I said before, she's a 'close friend' and living abroad can be extremely difficult even if she lives in pampered surroundings ( as my family do). She may well need your friendship and simply acting madly because she's generally upset. I personally would let the dust settle then ask her gently what on earth is going on and that you've valued your friendship and are sad she feels this way. Then if she's intent on being daft and rude it's up to her but you will know you behaved well.

JolseBaby · 19/02/2016 18:32

I would absolutely reply to the cheeky cow:

It's good to know where I stand - that our 'friendship' was actually contingent upon me doing favours for you. I asked that you check with me first before using my address, as parcels arriving when I am not here causes me quite a lot of inconvenience. Given the email you sent and your request for a 'break', I assume you'll be making alternative arrangements for the delivery of your order? I hope you wouldn't be so rude as to expect me to send it on to you. Please let me know when you will be reimbursing the money you owe me.

gleekster · 19/02/2016 18:37

What are you going to do when the parcel arrives? I wouldn't send it on to her until she has sent you the money she owes you plus money for this parcel. Or I would return it "not known at this address."

Original poster

petunia478 · 19/02/2016 18:46

@rollonthesummer reasonable qs

re the second parcel: I concede that my message was chipper than I would normally be, I said that I found it rude for her to do that without asking first, that I felt she was taking advantage of me, and pointed out that it could be a real inconvenience if the package is delivered to the distant location. That said, I apologized if I'd hurt her feelings by being blunt, and I also said that I would of course forward it to her or keep it for her until her next trip over here, which is relatively soon. She responded: 'it's not your problem'.

A thing to note with the first parcel -- for various reasons I was delayed in forwarding it on, mainly because I was so ill for a couple of weeks that I was barely able to drag myself to work, which is nowhere near a post office —it required an additional trip. So I do wonder if part of it is that she is angry at me for that delay, but to be honest I don't think you really get to be angry when someone is doing a favor and they don't do it as fast as you'd like.

re the partner: I didn't tell him it was perfect but I was very positive and constructive; tbh perhaps more positive and constructive than I would have been if he was a stranger. I'm senior in the field and he will be applying for jobs where he'll be managed by people with similar experience to me. He responded to my email with warm thanks.

re other problems: not in my opinion. We have both gone through some personal challenges in the past year which we've supported each other through. Recently, I disagreed with some of her relationship advice, and said this to her, but I didn't think that it was a big deal.

Basically I think this is a very disproportionate reaction. Historically I have known her to end other friendships abruptly over small issues, so I suppose it is not unexpected, but it is sad and hurtful.

OP posts:

MadisonAvenue · 19/02/2016 18:47

Don't accept the parcel, and give her address as a forwarding address - what happens to it after that isn't your problem. Maybe have an addressed sticker ready to put on the parcel should you be in when it arrives? Not sure if this would work but who cares?

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 19/02/2016 18:58

If this is a pattern with her, it's probably goodbye .. Unless she's desperately lonely and bows her stiff neck.

It was an imposition and it was not reasonable of her. Mourn the lost friendship, unless she does come to her senses.

(fwiw I often order stuff to an English friend's house that he brings over to us when he visits ... But I always ask, and offer to pay postage if he needs to post it on. He often refuses, but the offer needs to be made)

ClaraBorne · 19/02/2016 19:03

Keep the parcel and sell the contents to recoup your costs. If she contacts you again, respond with one line in the subject header 'UNSUBSCRIBE'

Bogeyface · 19/02/2016 19:04

I agree with PPs, she takes and you give, thats how friendships work in her world. And if you dont give enough then she drops you like a hot stone.

I would be very curt, make it clear that you are disgusted with her behaviour and btw, please forward payment for both parcels postage and when it clears in your account, you will forward the second parcel to her.

zzzzz · 19/02/2016 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HPsauciness · 19/02/2016 19:15

I don't really understand why this is considered 'disgusting' behaviour at all. The Op said she was happy for the friend to pay her when she was next over, so presumably that's why the friend didn't pay the money straight away. The OP also said she didn't rush to get the parcel sent on, in fact it took a few weeks and the friend didn't say anything about this.

The friend then misjudged her friend's willingness to help out (given it all seemed to go fine before). This is a minor mistake, and there's no indication she's usually a taker. I would have just dropped a line saying 'hey, happy to have taken your parcel once, but it's a little bit inconvenient so won't be able to do it again' rather than the very assertive but extremely blunt way she put it- if you call someone 'rude' that's bound to upset them.

Yes, a friendship has been lost over a parcel. The Op is, to coin the phrase of that smug American counsellor guy, in the right, but is she happy?

Patapouf · 19/02/2016 19:21

I'd return the parcel to sender!

Original poster

petunia478 · 19/02/2016 19:23

@HPsauciness you're right, 'rude' was a blunt word to use, but I apologised for it and offered to fulfill my friend's request (in spite of her never asking me to fulfill it, but putting my in a position where I had no option). Also worth noting that she is one of the most blunt people I know! I am sure she would not have hesitated to use similar language if the situation was reversed.

So, no: I am not happy, but I literally have no idea how to resolve this when I have apologised for my role in this particular disagreement and have no understanding of what her other 'frustrations' are, since she hasn't shared them with me.

OP posts:

lorelei9 · 19/02/2016 19:27

she called you a postal service!! FFS. What a user.

you are well rid.

EweAreHere · 19/02/2016 19:28

Cheeky taker! Tell he you'd like to make the break permanent.

RaspberryOverload · 19/02/2016 19:33

^The friend then misjudged her friend's willingness to help out*

No, she hasn't. Doesn't matter how willing a friend is to help you, you should ask not presume.

Bogeyface · 19/02/2016 19:34

Also worth noting that she is one of the most blunt people I know! I am sure she would not have hesitated to use similar language if the situation was reversed.

Oh so she is one of those! She says it how she sees it but if anyone else does that then she goes off in a huff and takes massive offence. Couple that with her being a user and yes, I agree that you should take a break. The next 50 years or so should do it.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 19/02/2016 19:37

Clara I'd be tempted by that option. Probably wouldn't but... I would be tempted.

expatinscotland · 19/02/2016 19:41

I would not bother replying or take the package. She can sort her own shit out. I'd just block/delete and never contact her again.

KC225 · 19/02/2016 19:50

Yanbu

I moved abroad last year and yes things are much cheaper in the UK. My retired Mother accepts parcels and forwards them on to me. I always arrange for the parcels to be collected from her but you are right, it is a lot of faffing about. I do not order anything without asking permission first even from my own Mother. Your friend is being unreasonable.

Do you know what she is referring to re the past year.

Original poster

petunia478 · 19/02/2016 20:01

@KC225 I don't! Which is extra upsetting -- it's not nice to be told that I have been causing 'frustrations' worth ending the friendship over without those frustrations being revealed.

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 19/02/2016 20:04

she is being v unreasonable. horrible when you find out your friends are users. i wouldn't contact her again, wait for her next move. she will contact you because she still wants her package.

i'd probably take the package in and only send it on when completely convenient. might take a while...

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 19/02/2016 20:16

it's not nice to be told that I have been causing 'frustrations' worth ending the friendship over without those frustrations being revealed.

she might very well be playing games.

you said she ends friendships over trivial issues. If she doesn't have much of a sense of proportion then maybe she is having a jab at you out of brief spite. It's one single sentance after all; only because you care about her, it hits you.

what you said is entirely reasonable. If she had -other- frustrations, then the decent thing to do was to mention them and resolve them. But this honestly sounds like a slightly small-minded person who is a bit mean when challenged.

tealoveryum · 19/02/2016 20:44

She is using you. She expects you now to get upset and panic that you have been a bad friend. She will magnanimously forgive you when she feels you are punished enough.

It would be best to ignore her until she comes to you and then be honest and say that she overreacted and you also feel your friendship is problematic given that she a) uses you and b) tries to shame you into doing what suits her.

Andylion · 19/02/2016 21:52

OP, she said, 'it's not your problem'. Does that mean she's cancelled delivery?

ADishBestEatenCold · 19/02/2016 22:09

Was this a tax dodge? Was she avoiding paying import tax on products, that are supplied in your country, by having them delivered to you, and then you posting them on to her in a different country under the guise of (no tax) 'gifts'?

Flip

1 2 3