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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sorry I haven't got a big, sad coming out story!

49 replies

DeadPooled · 17/02/2016 12:41

I'm dating a woman after splitting with my husband of 15 years.

People seem to think I've been a sad, closet lesbian my whole life and have told me I'm 'very brave' for finally becoming the person I've always been Hmm

Thing is, I've always been bisexual and gender is of no consequence to me. My next partner could be a man. It's about the person, not the genitals.

When I have explained this people just don't seem to get it. So many people see me as a lesbian now and when I try and say I'm not (a lesbian is only attracted to women) they sort of scoff.

I find it rather annoying that I've been pigeon holed now and that they think my whole marriage was me being unhappy and longing for a bit of fanny Grin

My marriage broke down because we didn't get a long. Not because I was secretly gay.

Anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
Snozberry · 17/02/2016 12:46

I think because some people see it as trendy or sexy to be bisexual thanks to porn, it makes it seem like a made-up thing to some. I wouldn't even bother trying to explain yourself, just correct them and change the subject.

MitzyLeFrouf · 17/02/2016 12:50

No but I'd be irritated too. As if your life is one of those 'inspirational' TV movies on Channel 5 rather than being a person who's just found someone else they enjoy being with and having sex with.

Just say 'Yes I do like fanny but sometimes I'm mad for the cock. Could you pass the milk please?'.

BadDoGooder · 17/02/2016 12:51

Are you my DM? Grin
She could have written your post word for word. (so could I nearly!)
She currently has a female partner, but was married to my DF for years quite happily.

She got loads of that sort of thing, people assuming she's a lesbian and was permanently unhappy and "longing for a bit of fanny" (love that btw!) Grin

I think people find it easier to put you in a box, I have certainly found that telling people you are bi-sexual often results in comments like "but you have male partner?" .....umm yes I'm bi it doesn't mean I have to be with both sexes at once!

Original poster
DeadPooled · 17/02/2016 12:52

Mitzy that made me laugh.

I think it's the fact that they assume my whole life with DH was a 'lie' I was very happy with him until I wasn't anymore. And it had nothing to do with his penis.

OP posts:
BadDoGooder · 17/02/2016 12:52

Just say 'Yes I do like fanny but sometimes I'm mad for the cock. Could you pass the milk please?'.

Grin Grin

AliceScarlett · 17/02/2016 12:52

I get it, im bi, maybe 70% gay? But I'm married to a man. If for any reason I did get into a new relationship in the future I think there is a high chance it would be with a woman and I would be in the same position as you!

Can you say "no I've been bisexual all my life" and just repeat? Maybe print out the dictionary definition and give it to themGrin

Original poster
DeadPooled · 17/02/2016 12:53

My eldest is still in primary school so I don't think so Bad Grin

OP posts:
BadDoGooder · 17/02/2016 12:57

Phew!
I do love my mum but the thought of her being on MN brings me out in cold sweats!

Just repeat Mitzys glorious phrase ad infinitum until they get the message.

Snozberry · 17/02/2016 12:57

Mitzy GrinGrin

DEFINITELY do that OP.

Original poster
DeadPooled · 17/02/2016 12:59

Maybe I'll get it tattooed on my chest. To save time repeating it Grin

OP posts:
Snozberry · 17/02/2016 13:03

You could have cock tattooed on one breast and fanny on the other with a little swingometer in the middle.

Snozberry · 17/02/2016 13:03

In a classy font obv.

grumpysquash · 17/02/2016 13:03

Thing is, I've always been bisexual and gender is of no consequence to me. My next partner could be a man. It's about the person, not the genitals.

I am the same (main difference being still married after 16 years). But I dated women before I was married and would still, if I was available for a relationship.

Original poster
DeadPooled · 17/02/2016 13:04

Snozberry what a fantastic idea. I'll have something drawn up immediately.

OP posts:
MoreKopparbergthanKrug · 17/02/2016 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Queenelsarules · 17/02/2016 13:09

I identified as lesbian for 15 years before I met my husband, and often get the impression that people think o have been cured or that I am a traitor to the sisterhood! But really life is just not like that is it? We invent these boxes and neat little labels but how many of us really ever fit them comfortably?

RainbowDashed · 17/02/2016 13:12

To quote a female mate of mine who is bisexual and about to marry a woman - "You can't help who you fall in love with."

I might have to recommend the tattoo idea to her though Grin

MitzyLeFrouf · 17/02/2016 13:13

And imagine all the sad faces your ex must have to put up with OP. He must get a lot of people assuming you were just tolerating his cock for 15 years.

MitzyLeFrouf · 17/02/2016 13:14

The two of you should release a statement! Grin

cleaty · 17/02/2016 13:14

Lots of newly out lesbians say they are bi first, because it seems less scary. So I suspect people think you are not brave enough yet to tell them the truth, if you have never before said you are bi. Time will show them that is not the case.

BadDoGooder · 17/02/2016 13:24

Snoz that is actual genius! Grin at "classy font"!

BadDoGooder · 17/02/2016 13:29

I must say I am v pleased at all the people who don't feel the need to label/are comfortable with their sexuality.
I have had ltrs with women, but currently have a male partner with whom I have a lovely DS. God forbid if we did split up I have no idea who I could date next, it could literally be anyone greedy

Oldraver · 17/02/2016 13:32

I had lots of this after I finally started dating (men and woman) after DH died. I was also pretty open about the fact I wasn't just sticking with one person.

Of course I got all the 'now living a liberated life as I want to comments'. Well er yea I'm no longer married to the person I was being faithful too

Collaborate · 17/02/2016 13:33

I'm just puzzled why people would feel it appropriate to have a conversation with you - as if it's any of their business.

cleaty · 17/02/2016 13:34

colaborate - You really don't talk to friends about who they are dating?