Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Sorry I haven't got a big, sad coming out story!

49 replies

DeadPooled · 17/02/2016 12:41

I'm dating a woman after splitting with my husband of 15 years.

People seem to think I've been a sad, closet lesbian my whole life and have told me I'm 'very brave' for finally becoming the person I've always been

Thing is, I've always been bisexual and gender is of no consequence to me. My next partner could be a man. It's about the person, not the genitals.

When I have explained this people just don't seem to get it. So many people see me as a lesbian now and when I try and say I'm not (a lesbian is only attracted to women) they sort of scoff.

I find it rather annoying that I've been pigeon holed now and that they think my whole marriage was me being unhappy and longing for a bit of fanny

My marriage broke down because we didn't get a long. Not because I was secretly gay.

Anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

DeadPooled · 17/02/2016 13:36

Because people are rude I guess! And nosy!

OP posts:

Collaborate · 17/02/2016 13:41

You really don't talk to friends about who they are dating?

Who they are dating? Yes.

The class of people they feel attracted to? None of my business. And DeadPooled refers to "people", not friends, so it seems as if her sexuality is a subject of public "interest", which is wrong.

MissFlight · 17/02/2016 13:41

Some people have very fixed views about sexuality.

DickDewy · 17/02/2016 13:41

Interesting, this has made me think.

A man in our wider circle of friends has recently left his wife after 19 years and is living with a man.

Absolutely everyone is saying just the sort of thing mentioned by the op and feeling very sorry for his wife, assuming she's live with a closet gay man all these years.

BadDoGooder · 17/02/2016 13:52

Dick there is a high likely hood he has just fallen for a man. As pp have pointed out, there are a whole range of people who don't feel they have to define their sexuality, or who simply describe as bi.

Def worth mentioning to friends, it might stop him getting the assumptions as described in OPs post!

LemonySmithit · 17/02/2016 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieLemons · 17/02/2016 14:17

I find it so weird that people don't 'get' being bisexual, in my head it makes sense that it's a spectrum isn't it? Some just have preferences whereas others physically can't get it up for the opposite sex.

Don't even get me started on my Dsis who thinks women can be bisexual but men 'obviously' can't

MoreKopparbergthanKrug · 17/02/2016 15:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grumpysquash · 18/02/2016 12:09

Some of my friends will only drink coffee, some only tea, I like both but if I pop round your house, you don't need to make me one of each.

I love that. I am pinching it :) :)

lionheart · 18/02/2016 12:12

People can be very rigid even when they think they are refreshingly non-binary.

Heatherplant · 18/02/2016 18:49

I'm in a similar situation, split with wife then met my now husband, still bi sexual though. Lots of people came out with daft stuff but the best one has to be from a relation who said, 'I just gave all my worries about you to God and asked him to sort things out for me and he has done' Priceless.

Original poster

DeadPooled · 18/02/2016 19:23

That's actually very sad Heather!

OP posts:

JeanneDeMontbaston · 18/02/2016 19:29

Hmm. I dunno whether I'm gay or not, TBH. I was married to a bloke, and am now with a woman, and like you, the marriage broke down because we didn't get on, not because I was thinking 'ooh, I want to be with a woman'.

And yes, people do assume it's that, and some of his friends have been quite arsey about it, assuming I must always have 'known' I was going to leave him, etc. etc. Generally people are a bit daft really.

I think it is generally true that people assume bisexuals are either closet gays or (especially in the case of women) lying about fancying women. It is incredibly annoying and childish, but

The important things are 1) you are happy with your partner and 2) you do not, thank god, have to date people who think like this.

FoxFeatures · 18/02/2016 19:31

Bloody hell Heather.

notquitehuman · 18/02/2016 20:24

I'm not sure why people get so confused by the concept of bisexuality. When I married my DH I got a few comments from my lesbian friends that I'd 'turned straight'. I've met lots of people who don't believe bisexuality exists, or think it's purely a sex thing and I'm having wild threesomes every weekend... (I wish! )

I was annoyed when Jessie J came out as bi and then a few months later said it was all a phase. It's not helpful and just distorts the public's perception.

grannytomine · 18/02/2016 21:30

I think it can just be lack of imagination. I can understand fancying men because I do, I can understand fancying women because I have been fancied, I find it harder to understanding fancying both. Doesn't mean I have a problem with it, just harder for me to "get" it. I think people are rude to comment though, I know a couple of women who were living/married to men, then lived with a woman and both are now married to men. As long as they are happy and hurting no one it their own business.

Morekoppaburgthankrug has it right, people are just themselves who needs labels?

EnthusiasmDisturbed · 18/02/2016 21:36

It makes others feel safer to put you in a box

Attraction can change and is not just about sex

notalesbian · 18/02/2016 22:29

I'm a straight woman in a relationship with a transman (i.e. he was born female, is now male).

I've had a few people think I'm a lesbian. Err, no, I'm a woman dating a bloke. Not sure how you've come to the conclusion that I'm a lesbian

TinklyLittleLaugh · 18/02/2016 22:54

Hmm, it is a bit difficult though. DD2 is only 16, has dated a couple of boys, then dated a girl, currently single and saying she is just attracted to the person, not the gender.

I'm being cool with it all, but a teeny tiny part of me is thinking, "Really? Big handsome school jock to girly fashion victim? Come on, make your mind up." Obviously I keep these thoughts to myself.

Heatherplant · 18/02/2016 23:02

It's sad said relation actually believed that but at the end of the day there really is no reasoning on that level of crazy. Needless to say I'm NC with much of my family these days.

Yambabe · 19/02/2016 00:19

I do think the world would be a much happier place all round if people would keep their noses out of other people's sexuality and just accept that some people are attracted to the person not the gender.

One of my BFFs was in a relationship tthen marriage with a woman for nearly 12 years, she always used to say "I'm not a lesbian but my wife is!" She's currently dating a man - I'm very happy for her cos he's a nice man. But her ExW was a lovely lady and is still a good friend too...... and who she is dating has no bearing on who she is as a person. She didn't change into someone else when she first met her ExW or when she met her current bloke iyswim.

I hate all this labelling and pigeonholing cos at the end of the day it doesn't matter. I just kind of hope that everybody who wants to be with a partner can find someone out there to love and who loves them back and if they prefer to be by themselves that should also be fine.

TheCatsFlaps · 19/02/2016 00:28

I think lots of people cling to labels and stereotypes. Sometimes when it comes to sexuality, it can be because of their own insecurities, prejudices or for some, because they feel lied to (ask my mother, for one). What I stick or have stuck in places in the bedroom is my business, both now and in the future. I've found a frank discussion about the "mechanics" of my sex life sends all but the most leery running for the hills.

toomuchtooold · 19/02/2016 06:04

No I hate this as well. Since I came out at age 20 I've never claimed to be anything other than bisexual but when I started a LTR (and eventually married) a man, a lot of people I knew in the gay community were like "that's it now, you're straight." And if DH and I ever split, and I started dating women, I daresay it would be "you realised your true sexuality" with a side order of "you were in the closet during your marriage." Nope, no, not closeted - I don't talk much about being bisexual these days but that's because I'm married and nearly 40 with two kids, and I doubt very much that anyone gives a shit who I like sleeping with.

nooka · 19/02/2016 06:51

My dd is bisexual. Chatting to her about who she fancies I wouldn't say 'it's the person not the gender' applies to her because that implies that it's about the romance and friendship first, followed by sexual attraction which I am sure is true for some people (gay, straight and bisexual) but I don't think is true for everyone.

I think she just has a much broader range of physical attributes that she finds attractive than I do. For me I only really find one type of 'look' attractive, and it's a very masculine look so I am not just hetro but only a small slice of guys tick my boxes. dd likes lots of looks and so a range of men and women interest her (although of course some don't at all).

Flip

1 2