Don't want to visit DH's family/MIL

[LouiseTurner]

I am a complete and utter control freak, I always have been and honestly with DH's adventurous/short sighted personality, it's a good thing I am. DH and I have been married for 13 years, have two kids, DD (10) and DS (7) and we've always worked well together. He gets me to loosen up a little bit and step out of my comfort zone and I get him to think before he does anything risky, but I can't and never could stand his family.

He comes from a really large and very close family and the majority are lovely, however his mother and his brother's wife (SIL) are absolute nightmares. Thankfully we don't live close at all and DH was the one who cut off regular contact years ago but suddenly last summer, DH wanted all of us to go for a visit

There wasn't anything that prompted this, he just missed them, but our summer plans were already booked and paid for, so I completely refused. He
quickly dropped it and then bought it up again right before the October half term, kids were already booked onto activities and it was too short notice to get time off work, so I refused, he got rather upset and I really felt horrid, so promised that we'd go and spend Christmas with his family.

So we did and it was utterly horrific. MIL just kept nagging at me, complaining about how I talk, what I wear, my kids names, how I raise them etc etc. thankfully evil SIL wasn't there so I was granted that one small mercy, two days in and DH had a talk with her, she shut up for a day and then went right back to it, I wanted to leave early, but DH was having a great time and he kept stepping in, so I perserveared and had a horrid Christmas.

I was so thankful when it was all over and had wrongly presumed that I wouldn't have to see them again for another few years, DH was smart enough not to mention them for a while and then today he bought up the idea of visiting them over Easter, SIL will be there this time !!!! I told him to go alone or take the kids as I was never ever going anywhere near his family. DH isn't insisting that I go but he's a little down that I won't, I feel bad but I'm deadly serious when I say, I'm never going to see them without a few years in-between each visit. AIBU?

Are you being unreasonable?

Yes.

Next?

Bert why is op unreasonable?

I think Yanbu. Mil sounds barking and I wouldn't want to spend time with her. Send dh and the kids. Sorted.

It's a tough one. They don't sound easy to put up with but count yourself lucky you live a distance away. I'd say you need to suck it up for the sake of your husband, grit your teeth and let her over your head.

You don't really clearly explain what it is that's so awful about his family.
You don't sound like much fun yourself to be honest. Are you a bit anal and humorless? You come across that way. Are the comments from your mil just normal family banter and you're just hyper sensitive?

YANBU. Let him take them, you could always go for one night. I see no need for everyone to lump around together if they don't get on.

She is unreasonable because she is keeping her dp from seeing his "large and very close family" most of whom are lovely more than once every few years.

There is no planet on which that is OK.

Also why not spend time with the lovely members and avoid the ones you dislike?

Why did your DH cut off regular contact?

YANBU by the way, I went NC with my toxic inlaws 18 months ago and am very happy with my decision. I'm just curious.

I never used to visit my ex in laws. the ex mil is not someone i ever want to be in the same building as ever again.

There is no reason the husband and kids can't go themselves. Why does she need to go? They go, she stays. She isn't banning him from going. He has his own legs to get here.

@BertandRussell I'm not keeping him from seeing them, he can go whenever he wants, just asking not to be dragged along as well.

@TheFear I do try to and at times it can be quite nice, but I have to also continuously dodge MIL which gets very tiring, very quickly. I'm not great fun but I'm not hypersensitive, plenty of family members take the piss but MIL takes very personal digs at me, continuously and in front of everyone, it makes the whole atmosphere very awkward and she only does it to me. I honestly can't stand the women.

@Cosmicglittergirl, this my view as well, don't need to all go along.

@lilywhite32 I really don't want to but I fear I will have to.

@welshmaenad DH cut off contact because of MIL/SIL' treatment towards me, it got to a point where it went beyond digs at just family gatherings e.g insulting me to family friends I'd never met, bad mouthing my parenting when first DC was only weeks old to anyone who would listen. He thankfully cut them off without me having to ask.

Louise I'd stay at home if I were you. There's no point setting yourself up as a target in such a situation.

Just let him take the kids to visit. MIL probably won't enjoy it without you to kick around but why subject yourself to that in the name of some unrealistic ideal of "family togetherness" ?

Enjoy some time to yourself. Win-win.

BertrandRussell it says in the OP that I told him to go alone or take the kids as I was never ever going anywhere near his family so I don't think OP is trying to stop her husband from seeing his family.

Could you go as a family but stay nearby so you can control visits and leave if it gets unbearable? Also the Christmas visit sounds as if it was too long. Any family visit can be strained with everyone crammed together 24/7 especially in winter.

Keep it short and sweet. Have a bunch of stock replies to mil and she will get bored. Maybe you intimidate her a bit and she is acting defensively. Whatever the reason I would continue contact but keep control of the timings. After all it's for your DP and DC. If it makes them happy you should try again. I would hate it if my dh refused to come to visit my parents and vice versa.

Let him take the DC and go on his own. I'm sure he knows how distressing you find it so it should be a relief all round.
It's a shame you can't take time off work to make the trip

It reads like a reverse, although I'm not sure why. You seem very matter of fact that you told your DH twice last year he couldn't go and see his family, which he then dropped. Most people would be handing your arse on a plate for that.

Yes, as others have said, let DH go and take kids and you have a quiet, stress-free time at home. There's no point in putting yourself through misery, and this way everyone is about as happy as you're going to get.

Plus, it'll probably piss MIL off that you're not there to have a go at.

Well if this helps, I had a good relationship with my GPs and I didn't even have the realisation until I was in university that my DM never, ever came on trips to visit my GPs (about a 3 -4 hr drive away). In fact it only dawned on me then that I had never seen my DM in the same room as my DGM (my DGF used to come to stay with us by himself sometimes, my DM loved him). My DM finally opened up to me and explained what a horrific and vile person her MIL - my DGM had been to her to the point that she had cut off all contact when we were babies. DM never stopped us from calling our DGPs and encouraged my DF to take us to visit them but she never again spoke to my DGM. We kids never even noticed, it all just seemed normal to us. My DGM (who really was a first class bitch tbh) never said a bad thing about my DM and I never heard a bad thing about my DGM.

I told him to go alone or take the kids as I was never ever going anywhere near his family. DH isn't insisting that I go but he's a little down that I won't ... AIBU?

Nope, YANBU.

Let him take the DCs to see his family and wave him off with a smile. They don't like you, you don't like them, everyone wins.

YANB in the slightest bit unreasonable. Family or not, life's too short to be spending time being miserable with people who delight in being rude to you.

Wild horses wouldn't drag me back to your MIL's.

You are not stopping your DH and DCs going. They are his family, after all, not yours.

Tell him to go. Stay at home and have a lovely time, enjoy the peace and most of all enjoy the fact, as someone else said, that MIL will be pissed you aren't there to be nasty to!