Don't want to visit DH's family/MIL

[LouiseTurner]

I am a complete and utter control freak, I always have been and honestly with DH's adventurous/short sighted personality, it's a good thing I am. DH and I have been married for 13 years, have two kids, DD (10) and DS (7) and we've always worked well together. He gets me to loosen up a little bit and step out of my comfort zone and I get him to think before he does anything risky, but I can't and never could stand his family.

He comes from a really large and very close family and the majority are lovely, however his mother and his brother's wife (SIL) are absolute nightmares. Thankfully we don't live close at all and DH was the one who cut off regular contact years ago but suddenly last summer, DH wanted all of us to go for a visit

There wasn't anything that prompted this, he just missed them, but our summer plans were already booked and paid for, so I completely refused. He
quickly dropped it and then bought it up again right before the October half term, kids were already booked onto activities and it was too short notice to get time off work, so I refused, he got rather upset and I really felt horrid, so promised that we'd go and spend Christmas with his family.

So we did and it was utterly horrific. MIL just kept nagging at me, complaining about how I talk, what I wear, my kids names, how I raise them etc etc. thankfully evil SIL wasn't there so I was granted that one small mercy, two days in and DH had a talk with her, she shut up for a day and then went right back to it, I wanted to leave early, but DH was having a great time and he kept stepping in, so I perserveared and had a horrid Christmas.

I was so thankful when it was all over and had wrongly presumed that I wouldn't have to see them again for another few years, DH was smart enough not to mention them for a while and then today he bought up the idea of visiting them over Easter, SIL will be there this time !!!! I told him to go alone or take the kids as I was never ever going anywhere near his family. DH isn't insisting that I go but he's a little down that I won't, I feel bad but I'm deadly serious when I say, I'm never going to see them without a few years in-between each visit. AIBU?

@MatildaTheCat I think staying somewhere else would kick up a whole load of fuss with MIL, but if it means so much to DH, we might give it a go and see how it works out.

@WonderingAspie I've never tried to keep DH away from his family, the two times he wanted to go, it was far too short notice, plans had already been set and for the second one I couldn't go even if I had wanted to, DH could have gone and seen them anytime on his own or with the kids, we did end up going at the next available opportunity.

To everyone that thinks I should stay home and happily wave them off, I love that plan, it's the one I desperately want to put in place, I think it all depends on how much this means to DH, if he keeps pushing I might give it one last desperate attempt with separate accommodations and make it a very short visit, although I'm really hoping he just gives up, he'd have a much better time without playing referee anyway.

I think it would be extremely selfish and unfair of him to push you to go and spend time with people who have treated you so badly, he's cut them off because of it.

You're not making him choose. You're not telling him not to go. You're not stopping him from taking the dc.

What more does he want? You in abject misery for a few days? For what? What purpose would it serve?

I don't see why DH wants you along so desperately - he knows how grim it is for you, after all. Its not at all unusual to take the kids to your own parents' and your partner not come - me and my DH have both done this for reasons of space, commitment and just wanting to see our own family more than wanting to see each others'.

The problem presumably is what he would say to his DM about your absence. 'She fancied a few days at home to catch up with the gardening etc' would be a handy euphemism perhaps. Or just 'she said she'd prefer to stay at home'.

Oh no, no, no.

OP, you are well within your rights to say that's fine, off you go to DH and the DC. The fact that DH wants you to go is a big red flag. He only wants to go if you are there being the fucking sacrificial lamb. Sod that!

Stick to your guns. You aren't denying DH his chance of a relationship with MIL - just don't be surprised if he doesn't bother if you aren't there to be abused.

I would be pushing DH very hard to give me a reason why all of a sudden he wanted to subject me to MIL/SIL, the same MIL/SIL with whom he "cut off regular contact years ago" because of how badly they treated me.

I know you've said "There wasn't anything that prompted" his sudden desire to see them last summer - but I just can't believe this. I can believe that you are not aware of his reason, but I cannot believe there is no reason. I think some flying monkeys have been whispering in his ear; maybe with stories of how much his mother is missing him, maybe fictional maternal illness - I don't know, but I'd bet good money that there absolutely is something prompting this wish of his.

He saw how she treated you at Christmas, it is completely illogical that he would expect you to be subjected to this again on a whim.

Why is your husband so keen to subject you to double the amount of nastiness?

If your husband and children go without you, can you be sure that the spite won't be directed at the children?

@WhereYouLeftIt I know there's got to be something but every bloody time I ask, it's the same, 'I just missed us all spending time together' which I don't really understand as every second I spent with them was unpleasant. I'm sure someone most likely his brother with the evil wife, has been pushing him to reconnect and probably guilt tripping him, but he's so obsessed with us all going as a 'unit' (his actual word), I don't know if it's just a twisted sense of loyalty to not leave me out of things as he's never really done anything to put me in an uncomfortable situation, until now.

@gleekster I really needed to hear that, in DH's defence he does stand up for me again and again and again to MIL, but just because he's okay with putting himself in that predicament doesn't mean I'm okay with, as you've so rightly put it being turned into a sacrificial lamb. I think I'll be waving them off and having a week all to myself, instead.

@Intertia they're honestly lovely to everyone except me, the worst MIL ever said was to DS at christmas, 'shame you walk like your mother' but this came across as more banter because of how she said it then a dig at me, so everyone just laughed it off. I'm not worried about them treating them poorly and I do trust DH enough to remove them if they do treat them less than fair.

Has he ever asked his mother why she behaves the way she does towards you?

I can sympathise as i had a mil who made digs at me....i also had a spineless weak husband who wouldn't stand up for me.....thankfully both are ex's now.....it is horrible though...mine only lived a half hour drive away so she was always pestering us to go over....i used to do overtime at work so i could get out of it x