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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DH to think carefully about this job?

30 replies

QueenofLouisiana · 15/02/2016 17:04

Sorry: it's a long one, I'm trying to avoid drip feeding!

DH is an assistant head in a school. He's been there about 12 years and has been promoted, but now there is unlikely to be any further challenge or promotion. He often complains that he's bored or that other people are asking him to do a lot of things that, really, they should be doing.

Anyway, a job has come along that he could apply for. It would be a promotion and would offer opportunities to him that he won't get at the moment. He has lots of the experience required and has several strengths which the school asks for. As it would be in an independent school DS could attend it (rather than our local Requires Improvement secondary) and there would be lots of things that DS would enjoy and get a lot if benefit from.

We would need to move, but to an area we know well. DS is in yr6 so it would be as good a time as any to go. I'd need to find a new job, but could do supply teaching in the meantime.

However, after deciding he would apply and us sorting out practicalities, DH now seems to be getting cold feet. Last night he told me he didn't think I'd leave my volunteering role (I would, I'm sure I can do the same thing in the new area) and he didn't want the worry of me driving for 2 hours each week to get there.

He has done this a few times- hot me planning the idea of a move, looking into practical stuff (dreaming of new adventure) only to back out at the last minute. Then complaining about current job.

AIBU to want him to follow through with this- so many good things could come from it- only 15 more years of the same thing will come from staying here.

OP posts:

Twitterqueen · 15/02/2016 17:09

FUD
Fear, uncertainty and doubt are holding him back. I sympathise as I'm in the same position. Bored to hell and back. Frustrated with stupid, stupid requests that I just shouldn't be doing. Desperate to get out.

And then the niggles begin - but you're safe, it's an easy life, no-one cares what you do or when you do it.....

I would recommend being super positive, super excited and super supportive... Talk about how lovely it will be to do x, y and z. A new challenge etc etc. I am single but could really do with some moral support like this.

Hassled · 15/02/2016 17:16

He complains that he's bored - but is he really? Do you think it's fear of the unknown or is he secretly quite happy where he is?

You could sell it that he's only applying and that doesn't mean he has to accept. Then if he gets an interview that still doesn't mean he has to accept. Hopefully the interview/look round etc will sell the new school to him and make him feel less wobbly.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/02/2016 17:21

My SIL is in this position. Her DH is massively risk-averse and it stops him jumping.

He needs to identify what is actually going on for him instead of vague nonsense about your volunteering.

Original poster

QueenofLouisiana · 15/02/2016 17:23

I think you are both absolutely right, it is fear of the unknown, worries about the different roles etc.

I'm sure that if he got as far as an interview he'd see the positives (for him and DS). I'll go for sparkly positivity...

OP posts:

HermioneJeanGranger · 15/02/2016 17:24

Sounds like he likes the idea of change, but not the reality. I think that's pretty common. Lots of people stay in not-so-great jobs/situations because the unknown is just a bit too scary for them.

Can you encourage him to go for the interview and then you can discuss it afterwards? I agree that it's very unfair that he tells you all this stuff, gets you excited and then changes his mind last-minute.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 15/02/2016 17:24

Maybe he feels pressured into by you, his job and career should be his choices. It's fine to decide not to apply after giving it some thought.

shebird · 15/02/2016 17:33

My DH is similar OP - moans about his job says he's going to apply for xyz but then gets cold feet. I sometimes think it's a lot about self belief and self doubt. The fear of what if it all goes wrong or what if he is not good enough. I understand where he's coming from as there is also the responsibility he feels being the main wage earner and not wanting to take any risks that might put us in a difficult position.

GoblinLittleOwl · 15/02/2016 17:45

If he applies and gets an interview, he needs to impress, and from what you say I don't think he will. Experience doesn't count for much now.

You sound far more adventurous; any chance of you developing your career and going for it?

You could afford to take risks with a husband in a relatively safe job he can apparently do with ease and finds boring, although he needs to watch out; teaching jobs are not for life nowadays and his negative attitude may mean he won't be there for the next 15 years.

Original poster

QueenofLouisiana · 15/02/2016 18:34

He's actually very good at his job- has been head-hunted for national projects etc. I'm very much a class teacher and (mainly) happy to stay there. I stopped working for a while when he was a baby and only returned full time about 4 years ago.

I've stayed in a job near to home so I am available for DS- clubs, getting to school, organising most home stuff. I realise that will be less and less needed by DS but his sporting life needs a lot of adult support. Also I think it's important to be around as much as I can be while he changes to secondary school etc. DH works an hour away, the new job would massively reduce his journey (which he hates).

It's not a huge deal, in the scheme of things. I just wondered what others thought of it all. Thanks for the thoughts.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/02/2016 18:41

Tell him he is banned from complaining about his current job if he isn't prepared to make a change. If we wants to stick with the status quo then he has to make a positive choice to do so and stop moaning.

redexpat · 15/02/2016 20:14

Apply. Dont think about the other things until he is actually offered the job.

SuperCee7 · 15/02/2016 21:10

There is no harm in applying.

MistressDeeCee · 15/02/2016 22:58

Agree with Chazs Whilst I do understand the fear behind it all, I really don't want to listen to people who expect my ears to be open to them whilst they moan on about their lot in life, yet they have a chance of changing and improving things, but don't. There's something so ungrateful about it. But if not up to effecting change then looking on the bright side re positives in his job, especially as he is likely going to be there for years, is a good thing. Rather than coming home moaning about it. It may well be he just doesn't want the extra responsibility in different ways that will come with a higher/better role and thats fine, but own it

saltlakecity · 16/02/2016 06:27

It sounds like you're deciding for him.

Kr1stina · 16/02/2016 06:36

It's interesting that some posters are suggesting that it's " his job and his choice " . While at the same time accepting unquestioningly that the OPs career has been completely compromised by caring for THEIR son .

HE only has to think about what HE wants .

SHE has to fit around organising most home stuff, sons clubs, sport and education .

OurBlanche · 16/02/2016 07:38

Oh dear! Kr1stina, that should be the same whichever parent had stayed at home! It is just a tad boring that people can't make their own choices about working and childcare without someone feeling the need to be all prissy about it.

Queen have you had a full and frank discussion with him? I know it is hard to talk to teachers whenthey are in full on 'coping mode' - and your Dh sounds as though he is hiding in his But have you said that you would find the change stimulating and have no fears for his being able to do the job, etc etc?

Phineyj · 16/02/2016 07:58

Firstly, the time for this sort of angst is after you've been offered the job and not before. Secondly, is there someone other than you your DH can talk it over with? A friend, colleague, sibling? (Someone positive about change). I sympathise as I also have a risk averse DH who tends to tell me after the fact 'oh I didn't go for the job in California because you wouldn't have wanted to be uprooted' and I think er, when was the actual conversation we had about that?! When you are a couple work decisions do have to be made jointly, but only in the context of actual opportunities not maybe ones.

Kr1stina · 16/02/2016 09:03

Blanche - feel free to disgree with my views. But do try to do it without name calling.

I am entitled to disgree with others posters' comments . It's called a discussion .

As the OP is a teacher herself, she probably doesn't find it too " hard to talk to teachers "

OurBlanche · 16/02/2016 16:09

Name calling, Kr1stina? Nope... I didn't call you anything. I said I found what you posted to be prissy. Which I do. To me such an apparently entrenched view negates the central tenets of feminism: those of choice!

And yes, OP has been a teacher, so she will know how hard it is for teachers to open up about their stress levels. But may not have thought to apply it to her DH. What is wrong with remnding her? It isn't unusual for partners to get into a communicatins rut!

Witchend · 16/02/2016 16:27

One thing that occurred to me is does he

Disagree with private education
Not want to teach in the same school hud dc go to.

PerspicaciaTick · 16/02/2016 16:36

He sounds really cautious/anxious and you sound like you are rushing ahead of him and scaring him. I think you both need to break it down into little steps, none if which are committing him to doing the whole, frightening upheaval of job, family and home.
So, step 1 is applying. Only start talking about step 2 (the interview) once he has his invitation. Only start talking about logistics once he has been offered the job. If he wants to discuss your volunteering commitments before he has even applied, say there is no point worrying about that until he has the offer. Encourage him to only look for solutions to issues currently on his plate, not look for problems which may never actually arise.

mrsmuddlepies · 16/02/2016 19:20

Are you sure that you aren't trying to foist your ambitions onto him and live through him? You say your son will go to this same private school. Surely you will therefore be free to pursue your career and not hide behind your own fears of change. Why don't you apply for promotion and leave his career to him?
All teachers complain but I have seen plenty jump out of the frying pan into the fire. You sound a bit controlling to be honest.

Kr1stina · 16/02/2016 19:43

I find your comments quite odd Blanche

You can disagree with someone without calling them prissy

I didn't give any view at all - I just commented on other people's views

I can't imagine why you consider my views to be " entrenched " when it's the first post I've made on the thread

I said nothing about feminism. And anyway, it is isn't all about choice . You sound rather uninformed and a bit of a handmaiden TBH

And I'm not criticsing any of the OPs actions or posts - I was addressing the other posters who implied it was none of her business what her husband did in his job . When clearly HER career has been affected by HIS choices . Most couples make major career decisions together .

Your passive aggressive " oh dear " is rather patronising. And I'm sure the Op appreciates your reminding her that her Dh is a teacher

Anyway, let's get back to the OPs question

OurBlanche · 17/02/2016 12:11

Have you offered help or advice, Kr1stina? Or simply offered your opinion on the gendered posting of others?

Mmm!

Kr1stina · 17/02/2016 13:05

Please stop this Blanche , you are trying to hijack the OPs thread and its unkind

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