Is she being unreasonable?

[evangelinelily]

Is my mum being unreasonable and what should I do?

Background- myself, DH and 2 DCs have been I living really far away from DM for 7 years. We have a medium-sized dog.

So at the moment she is visiting us and hates the dog. She screams at him 10 times a day to get out and goes on and on about his hair. She says there is no need for him to be inside, he's a dog, will we get another one when he dies, she doesn't like her grandchildren being brought up in this environment and so on. There is some history with DM/fall-outs etc so we kind of just ignore/laugh it off or say "soon you'll be back in your own lovely dog-free home!" and such.

Yesterday however, whilst she was screaming "OUT! OUT! DOGS NAME GET OUT!" DH who is already in the process of putting him out the back door with his collar said to her "you don't need to shout at him, you can just tell him". So she went into a bit of a huff and was quiet over lunch then disappeared to her room. We hadn't really clicked that it was the dog comment as it seemed such a nothing but knew something was up. About an hour later she comes downstairs and basically says what's that about DH saying that to her. I said he's probably sick of it re. dog. She then goes on about how disrespected she feels, DH told her off, was talking to her like she's 5, she isn't DC1 and shouldn't be spoken to like that, it just makes her feel like she doesn't want to be here, is not welcome, unwanted etc. Retreats to her room. I'm Not happy with this as had a really shit time a couple of years ago with her huffing in her room for days so try to speak and sort it out. She's not interested, doesn't want to speak to DH to let him apologise. Her husband is joining next week and they had always planned to travel somewhere in the region for their own holiday but is now saying that as soon as he gets here they're leaving and will stay away for his entire 3 week trip and even talking about amending their return flight so that they don't have to stop here on the way back. She then asks if he can please stay here for a couple of days to recover from his long haul before they leave and then thanks me when I say of course. All in a tone that suggests I'm doing them a big favour by allowing him to stay which isn't the case at all. He's a great guy and we like him. This exchange was all via text. We all haven't spoke since lunchtime and it's now early morning. I think this is all a bit pathetic. Is she being unreasonable? Or am I? Or is DH? Either way, need to find a solution for moving forward. I'm not happy about her huffing and moping around the house, hiding in her room, not talking to us. It's horrible tension for my DC to be around.

Mothers man, What a fucking nightmare. Did they take a class in guilt tripping, emotional blackmail back in the day?

I suggested that the DH talk to her as he's the one that made the comment she objected to. Rather than go through op as an intermediary third party, have the two adults involved in the original irritated scenario talk about it.

Then again it sounds like the whole situation is larger than the original throw away comment and op's mother sounds like a nightmare (sorry op! She reminds me far too closely of my MiL!). The over dramatic "don't worry, I'll never darken your door again!" hissy fit is a bluff that I would personally love to call.

Which is why I should never give advice or opinions on family dynamics issues 😄

Actually if I didn't know that it was impossible, I'd be wondering if you were my SiL, op! DH doesn't have a sister though 😄

"As I said it's not about the dog anymore- she feels unwelcome and so on because of the way she was spoken to. She feels she was scolded and how dare he talk to me like that and so on. "
IMO she doesn't feel that way at all. Just like I doubt she hates the dog, really. I think she's just got the general hump with you and is scouring around looking for things to complain about. I suspect she's got the hump because you don't live near her and so can't be made to dance attendance. But boy does she make you dance when she can! ("Didn't walk around eggshells when growing up I don't think but I do now. Constantly. I change my behaviour, clothes, make-up etc. to avoid comments.")

Honestly, I would treat her as I would a child having a temper tantrum, because that is exactly what she is doing. You behave consistently and calmly.

'Mum, you've been looking for a fight since you got here, screaming at the dog and sulking in your room like a toddler. I have made allowances for you, hoping you would volunteer what's really got your back up because I'm pretty sure it's not us. But frankly you're making the children tense, and I am drawing a line. Either buck up your ideas or cut your trip short, I will not have this atmosphere in my home any longer. I want you to think about how you have treated me and my family since you got here, and when you have thought about it, I will be downstairs ready to accept your apology.'

I really would be that harsh. I think she needs it. Also, are you able to contact her husband independently? Ask him if he knows what the problem is and just generally give him a heads up? (With luck he might tell her to get a grip too.)

She sounds like a twit.

Thanks. I think a version of what whereyouleft it needs to be said, especially the sulking like a kid and creating atmosphere. I can't invite her to cut her trip short I don't think. She is planning to leave with her husb but that will probably be Friday or Saturday. I also can't say about how she's treated us because she will not be able to recognise her wrongdoing re. the dog. I know this from experience of other things. She just says that's the way I talk to animals, or I don't like it, or I was joking (after suggesting I sell the dog for meat).

It's after lunch now and I've been working all morning so haven't yet seen her. On way home now and will say I'm not happy about her sulking like a kid. People sometimes say things we don't like- we tell them civilly that it upset us, they apologise for causing unintentional offense then we all get on with our day/lives. If she decided to continue sulking I will tell her I'm taking my DCs out for the rest of the day as I don't want them around this tension.

Then I think the next step will be to do as a previous poster suggested and just ignore her sulking and be normal. All sounds ok written down but let's see how it goes.

There will probably be an argument as I really don't think she will get it. We are the unreasonable ones. I didn't even say anything!! Although have asked her to cut it out about the dog before.

I mentioned earlier she has form for this- when DC1 was born she fell out with us 5 days into a 4 week trip and did the exact same- stayed in her room and moped about. Again, triggered by something DH said which became a full-blown argument, which then became how badly we've treated her. She made threats (empty promises?) to change her flight and leave the next day and that she would no longer visit. She didn't. She stayed the remaining 3 and a bit weeks and she came back 4 months later!! And several times since but always with her DH. This is the first time she's been with us without him for so long.

She thinks your husband has taken you away from her. And the dog is another rival for your attention. I think that's the root of it all.

Perhaps. The last time about 2.5 years ago during this argument she did tell him that she sees him as a barrier between her and her DGC. A few days later she asked me (jokingly, but maybe with some truth behind it) if I fancied moving back home and being a single parent. All of these problems only really started when I got pregnant for the first time.

if I fancied moving back home and being a single parent

I think that's the crux of it evangeline. Your DM wants you to move back home so she can have unfettered access to your grandchildren.

My grandmother was the same with my DM. She alienated my Ddad and would have raging rows with him on the front doorstep, both go silent in the same room and make back handed comments all of the time. No matter how old your children are they will notice, and it's not the way a grandma should behave!

My parents split up in the end and my DM said this was a major contribution. My GM comes to visit now for months at a time, has alienated my DM from Ddad and the rest of the family because she wants her all to herself and has even admitted to doing this so she has someone to care for her when she becomes too old to do so herself.

Your mother is being selfish and isn't thinking one bit about your DCs and how they feel in all this. And as a dog person myself I would be livid if she felt is appropriate to shout at the dog like that. Poor thing is probably confused and frightened and has done anything wrong!

I would suggest asking her to go to a b&b for the remainder of the trip. I would ask your DCs how they feel as well, although you didn't say how old they are, but they may be affected by this negative environment at the moment and need to talk about it.

Good luck!

Ah ok, it's not the dog she hates, it's your DH. Is he the reason you live abroad?

"The last time about 2.5 years ago during this argument she did tell him that she sees him as a barrier between her and her DGC. A few days later she asked me (jokingly, but maybe with some truth behind it) if I fancied moving back home and being a single parent. All of these problems only really started when I got pregnant for the first time."
Yep, she wants you back home and dancing attendance . That is bloody awful. Taking it out on anyone/thing that diverts your attention away from her.

How is she with your DC? Is she actually worth a damn as a grandmother, or does she pay them no real attention? Does she gush and smother them, or is she an underminer? How do your DC react to her? (Other than what they would do to please you, that is.)

I think from the latest update I'd just be saying...... Mum, this is my life now. You are welcome and wanted in it but it seems little point in you visiting to be part of it if you are going to sulk the entire time.

Then maybe add something confidence boosting and positive like..... You need to realise you were a good mum and that it's because of that I've been able to gain independence and raise a family. You'll feel more accept d in my life once you accept my life.

Then just walk away and ignore and let her decide what the next move is and when to make it.

Christ, your mum sounds like mine.

She's dead now and it is frankly a relief to not have to endure this sulky bullshit any more.

Show her some "how to be a good guest" and "MIL" posts on here!!

2 issues.

1. She is staying for far far too long. Keep it to 2 or 3 days absolute maximum. It's "not possible" after that because your friend is staying or something. Never let it get to this situation again in terms of having a stretch of a week or more to dread.

1. The problem is your husband (from her point of view). She is jealous of him because he has you full time and that's what she wants. She sees that he has "stolen" you and she knows it's ridiculous which is why she can't actually say it, but faffs around snapping at the dog and sulking. She does not want the very person who she feels has stolen her daughter to then speak sharply to her. (He has every right to do this by the way, just saying that's what is bothering her).

I think you should take her out for a coffee (so she can't storm off in a rage and keeps her temper), reassure her that you love her very much but the way she is acting in your house is not ok. Say that you think she would be happier in a B and B (you pay this time - it's worth every penny) but arrange for a day out, just you, her and the GC.

Next time, have her for a meal or one night (two absolute maximum).

Your poor DH, and your poor dog.

I would not allow anyone to stay in my home if they were "screaming" at my dog.

In view of how poorly she behaves when she stays, perhaps you can suggest she stays at a nearby hotel next time she visits, and hopefully you will all get along better? Why is she staying for so long?

I couldn't be bothered with that.

Tell her she either respects all the inhabitants of your home or she'll not be welcome again.

She is behaving terribly. She knows she is. She is being awful as a mother and as a houseguest. None of what she has said is about your, and your family's happiness, it is all about her.

Let her sulk. Have it out with her or this will happen every single time. No way would I allow anyone to treat my dp like this, or a family pet for that matter.

His job first took us abroad but then I also got a job. She was ok with him then and she would come and visit pre-kids and we'd all have a laugh. Since I got pregnant she became demanding and then once baby was born it was a nightmare with a few fall outs all about control I.e. With the baby you have to do this and do that you must not do x y and z and on and on.

DCs are young, toddler and older baby. She is good with them, plays with them, takes good care of them etc, and spoils them rotten. This trip I've noticed she is a little too demanding of DC1 in terms of behaviour. Her expectations are far too high for the age of the child and she can be a bit harsh imo. She tells us that DC1 has absolutely no boundaries and gets to do whatever she wants and that's why she tantrums.

So got home and had a chat. It actually went better than I expected. She kind of listened. Still thinks DH had no right to talk to her like that, why does he need to tell me not to shout at the dog, that's how I talk to animals. She said she sulked because she was upset. Upset at what??! Her whole reaction with wanting to change flights and so on was ott and I told her that. In the end we agreed to move on but I really think she just went along with it for show, she doesn't actually believe that she was overreacting or being childish and there will be a next time.

Thank you all for your messages. Very helpful indeed!

Back your DH up 100% in this, your mother is trying to drive a wedge between you and if you ask him to apologise for his completely reasonable behaviour/comment she'll be starting to succeed. Remind her that you're a team and tell her to wind her neck in or go away. It's your home not hers and she doesn't get to dictate!

Sometimes I think I must live in a parallel universe because I cannot imagine anyone I know behaving like this

Your mum is texting you from another room in the house? I'm afraid I would have simply responded to the first one stating that I was downstairs ready to talk when she was.

Sorry, no useful advice. And I wouldn't be apologising for asking her to stop shouting at the dog! I am not an animal lover by any stretch of the imagination but I wouldn't shout at someone else's dog unless it was a dangerous situation.

The reason she comes for so long is because of the distance. 2 weeks is really a minimum anyone comes for and she thinks it's not worth coming for just two weeks because of length of journey and cost of flight. Also she only sees DGC twice, sometimes thrice a year so this is kind of her fill. This time it's a 5 week trip but they'll be away travelling elsewhere probably 2 and a bit of that.

2 weeks is about 12 days too long.

Is she in Australia? How long does the journey take?
Can you get Skype?

Does your toddler ever lie on the floor kicking his legs and screaming "I want chocolate buttons" when you offer him lunch?

Mine does. I ignore him. Step over him. Occasionally I offer him his pasta as we all need the chance to back down if we are being silly. I don't ever give in to the tantrum (although occasionally I am very tempted) as I don't want him to think it is a tactic that works.

She tells us that DC1 has absolutely no boundaries and gets to do whatever she wants and that's why she tantrums.

Takes one to know one.

Treat her like a toddler, OP. Give her very clear guidance about acceptable behaviour, the consequences of unacceptable behaviour and always follow through.

I'd kick her the fuck out, who does she think she is?

Ok, so you've calmed things down for this time. But I think you need to start thinking about the next time. And the time after that, and the time after that, ad infinitum.

Right now your DC are a bit too young to be affected by her words. The atmosphere yes, but her actual words, no. But what about when they're old enough to actually hear and internalize what she is saying? Do you really want them hearing her go off on a tantrum and scream at their dog, their father, their mother, or (God forbid) at them? And telling yourself 'Oh, it's only a few times a year' or telling them 'Oh, it's just Granny, ignore her' is NOT acceptable.

Once she's gone and things have calmed down, I think you and your DH need to have a real heart to heart about dealing with her behaviour. And you need to have a heart to heart with yourself about whether or not you 'walked on eggshells' as a child. Oftentimes this behaviour is so ingrained from an early age that you don't really realize that you are walking on eggshells because it's such a normal part of your life, it's just the way it is, iyswim.

For the sake of your children, you can't let her continue to behave like this.