Is my mum being unreasonable and what should I do?
Background- myself, DH and 2 DCs have been I living really far away from DM for 7 years. We have a medium-sized dog.
So at the moment she is visiting us and hates the dog. She screams at him 10 times a day to get out and goes on and on about his hair. She says there is no need for him to be inside, he's a dog, will we get another one when he dies, she doesn't like her grandchildren being brought up in this environment and so on. There is some history with DM/fall-outs etc so we kind of just ignore/laugh it off or say "soon you'll be back in your own lovely dog-free home!" and such.
Yesterday however, whilst she was screaming "OUT! OUT! DOGS NAME GET OUT!" DH who is already in the process of putting him out the back door with his collar said to her "you don't need to shout at him, you can just tell him". So she went into a bit of a huff and was quiet over lunch then disappeared to her room. We hadn't really clicked that it was the dog comment as it seemed such a nothing but knew something was up. About an hour later she comes downstairs and basically says what's that about DH saying that to her. I said he's probably sick of it re. dog. She then goes on about how disrespected she feels, DH told her off, was talking to her like she's 5, she isn't DC1 and shouldn't be spoken to like that, it just makes her feel like she doesn't want to be here, is not welcome, unwanted etc. Retreats to her room. I'm Not happy with this as had a really shit time a couple of years ago with her huffing in her room for days so try to speak and sort it out. She's not interested, doesn't want to speak to DH to let him apologise. Her husband is joining next week and they had always planned to travel somewhere in the region for their own holiday but is now saying that as soon as he gets here they're leaving and will stay away for his entire 3 week trip and even talking about amending their return flight so that they don't have to stop here on the way back. She then asks if he can please stay here for a couple of days to recover from his long haul before they leave and then thanks me when I say of course. All in a tone that suggests I'm doing them a big favour by allowing him to stay which isn't the case at all. He's a great guy and we like him. This exchange was all via text. We all haven't spoke since lunchtime and it's now early morning. I think this is all a bit pathetic. Is she being unreasonable? Or am I? Or is DH? Either way, need to find a solution for moving forward. I'm not happy about her huffing and moping around the house, hiding in her room, not talking to us. It's horrible tension for my DC to be around.
AIBU?
Is she being unreasonable?
evangelinelily · 13/02/2016 22:44
To be honest evangeline I feel really sorry for your husband. So often on here we get posters with awful MILS and their husbands/partners are saying "Oh just ignore her" "She will never change" which is what you appear to be saying?
Then you get reams of posts saying "You do not have a MIL problem, you have a DH/DP problem."
Do you think there are any comparisons in your own situation?
Also - what would DDog say if he could? 
You have my sympathies, my DM is very similar.
I don't have any helpful advice sadly. We only argued this morning due to her being jealous of the relationship my MIL has with the kids (despite her having every opportunity to have the same relationship). It's bloody upsetting and frustrating isn't it? 
if DH is unhappy about something related to her he should be discussing it with me because "I don't like being told off at my age"
She wants it this way because she knows that DH will confront her and tell her to knock it off but that you won't. She is expecting you to 'soothe DH over' so she can carry on. Don't, please don't. Unless your DH wants you to handle her on his behalf don't cut him off at the knees by telling him to basically put up with her shit. That's 'disempowering' him in his own house. Plus then you'll have both of them unloading on you and you do NOT need that!
As far as her future relationship with your children, trust your gut, Evie (may I call you Evie? ). I think your instincts are pretty right on. And don't think of what she did as 'old school parenting'. It isn't. It's called just plain 'bad parenting'. And if your mum did those things to you then she was a bad parent. My mum was an 'old school parent' (as I expect I was a fair bit of the time myself) and did none of those things. She was loving and fair, strict but consistent.
I'm not sure how far apart her visits are. But when this one is over I'm hoping you and DH will have time to decompress and plan your 'strategy' before the next one. You've spoken about her lovely partner. Can you time a visit for when he can be there the whole time? Does he know 'how she is' and could you enlist his help?
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