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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To flake on a hen do abroad?

30 replies

MrBensMrs · 12/02/2016 10:57

Hi All,

Recently found out I am pregnant but am due to go on a hen do at the end of the month in Budapest. I will be 8 weeks when we fly.

I really don't want to go. Morning sickness hasn't kicked in yet but I am worried a flight would be dreadful and more than that we booked it last year (obviously before I knew we would even start trying) so all of the activities are around drinking, a beer bike, partying and going to the thermal baths - spending a day there hanging out in the baths and getting massages - which I can't do.

We're there over a weekend and I don't want to be a kill joy and ask to go back to the apartment after the meal before the drinking begins as I'm tired or sick and I don't want anyone to expect they have to come back with me. And I'm not sure what I would do all day when they're at the baths - it'll be cold and I know I'll be feeling much too tired to go sightseeing on my own. Coupled with the fact I have been before and of an evening I wouldn't want to get into a taxi on my own nor walk anywhere back to the apartment on my own either.

I have paid for my flights, activities and accommodation so no one will be out of pocket if I don't go, but I know they'll be disappointed. I am not in the bridal party and am not a super close friend but I know the bride well and she's a good friend - there's at least 10 of us going so I know I won't be massively missed as if it were a small group.

I think I have made my mind up but just wanted confirmation I'm not being difficult or a party pooper?

OP posts:
sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 12/02/2016 10:59

Theres no way i'd have been able to go. Even when the sickness subsided at 20 weeks I would have felt too rotten. I had to miss my friends baby's christening and I was gutted but felt hideous.

CooPie10 · 12/02/2016 11:01

Yanbu, I would just give it a miss too. You don't know how you will feel at the time and worse to be miserable and away from home .

RedOnHerHedd · 12/02/2016 11:07

If it was me, I would offer my tickets back to the bride to be so she can offer them to someone who might not have afforded to go. I'm not the sort of person to go on hen dos abroad anyway, but if I was, at 8 weeks pregnant, I would've felt like shit and definitely wouldn't be in the partying mood.

Sandbrook · 12/02/2016 11:08

No don't go. You're doing the right thing

Original poster
MrBensMrs · 12/02/2016 11:09

thanks ladies, and that's a good idea red re offering back - I think my flights are non transferable but worth a shot!

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 12/02/2016 11:09

As no one else will be out of pocket I can't see the problem , if they are disappointed that comes under the heading Too Bad !

ToffeeForEveryone · 12/02/2016 11:11

Feel free to flake, you won't be able to take part and it will be stressful and potentially disruptive for everyone. No point going.

Depending on how the bride would react, I would be inclined to tell her the truth but use an excuse of sickness bug etc. for anyone else if it's too early for you to tell people you're pregnant.

MrsHathaway · 12/02/2016 11:28

Even if your flights are non transferable or non refundable, you are still entitled to certain parts of it back - off the top of my head the tax definitely and possibly the fuel surcharge.

mouldycheesefan · 12/02/2016 11:29

I would still go. I never had morning sickness, you may not. I think though that you would have to tell the bride and hens that u are pg. therefore you can't join in all the activities. When they are doing the activities that you can't, either relax at the hotel or go sightseeing etc. Think of it as a baby on for yourself before baby comes. Enjoy some relaxation time, nice meals etc.

MaybeIAmJustNotReasonable · 12/02/2016 11:33

I wouldn't go. You won't be drinking anyway, and if you've got morning sickness it will be a downer for everyone. Apologise and then ask if you can do a girls night out after you've had your baby?
CongratulationsThanks

expatinscotland · 12/02/2016 11:35

I wouldn't go, but I would tell the bride teh truth. Never understood the wait till 12 weeks, though.

Pigwitch · 12/02/2016 11:35

I went on a hen do at 28 weeks pregnant - it was fine.
You might not even get morning sickness.

toohardtothinkofaname · 12/02/2016 11:36

It's paid for so I'd go still & tell hen party about pregnancy so they won't pressure you to be drinking. I had sickness at 8 weeks but would have welcomed the distraction x

3luckystars · 12/02/2016 11:38

I wouldn't go either. They will totally understand. Things come up and that's life and its no big deal. Mind yourself.

MrsHooolie · 12/02/2016 11:39

You sound really worried about it.
I had to travel abroad a lot when pregnant,but it was work and I had no choice.
It depends on you and your body,I was puking a lot in my pregnancies which wasn't pleasant but like the poster above some people escape it.
I think you've already decided not to go though.

iminshock · 12/02/2016 11:40

You don't need ANY reason to not go to a hen do.

MontserratCaballe · 12/02/2016 11:40

I went on a hen do at 26 weeks, but I would have struggled at 8 weeks because I felt so unwell.

I would tell your pal the truth, even if you ask her to keep it to herself. Your flight might not be transferable but if a pal who is hard up doesn't have to pay for accomm, that might make it affordable for her.

Huge congratulations on your baby. Lovely news Smile

AFishCalledAmy · 12/02/2016 11:43

I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks before going on our honeymoon to India and Nepal, travelling around for 3 weeks. I was about 6weeks preggers when we flew out. I still went and had an amazing time, I did everything we had planned and although I was never sick the nausea was awful (especially when all the hotels dished up curry and heavily fried food in the morning!). All I wanted was some bland food the whole time I was there and Indian food is anything but bland! I found things that got me through - sprite and Mr Chips (ready salted Indian crisp brand). I was really careful with what I ate, had a filter water bottle that I drank from and lived in my travel sickness bands (which I highly recommend to combat the nausea!).

We were on a tour with lots of other people, they all drank, I didn't and it wasn't an issue. I'm not a big drinker anyway and can have fun without booze. We even planned to have a massage treatment on the last day before flying home and I just swapped mine for the most amazing facial instead. I made sure I saw my doctor before flying out to get advice in case I was ill whilst away and he was very supportive of me going - no trying to persuade me otherwise.

Don't let being pregnant stop you doing what you want to do. As long as you are careful and follow all the advice out there, there is no reason you can't go away. I think if you are thinking about not going it probably has little to do with being pregnant, more the fact that you just don't fancy going. Pregnancy is a very convenient excuse, one that now I take full advantage of!

So if you want to go, go! If you don't, use the pregnancy card by all means or any other excuse that comes to mind!

P.S - very jealous, Budapest is on my list of places I want to go to!

diddl · 12/02/2016 11:50

Well it's not a given that you'll get morning sickness, of course.

How easy/enjoyable would it be to not drink if everyone else is?

One day would probably be easy to fill & if you are as tired as you think you'll be, then just rest fir the day.

It sounds as if you are looking for reasons to not go rather than alter things to "fit in".

So I would say best not to go if you don't want to.

MrsFrisbyMouse · 12/02/2016 11:53

I'd still go. Join the bits you want to - spend time reading, relaxing or sightseeing in the other bits. You might enjoy the break.

eastpregnant · 12/02/2016 12:01

I felt terrible at 8 weeks, but most people I know didn't have too many problems in the first trimester. You might be fine!

It sounds like you've already made up your mind up not to go though, which I think is fair enough if you don't feel comfortable with the idea. If it were me I'd give them as much notice as possible in case they can find someone else to take your place, and I'd be honest with the bride about the reason.

Original poster
MrBensMrs · 12/02/2016 12:19

Thanks so much for all of the replies and advice ladies.

FishCalledAmy I think if it were a holiday with hubby who I could be myself with and take it easy if I needed to, moan and go to sleep early and alter our plans together I would be much more inclined. With the hen I don't want others to feel obliged to alter plans for me and I know I would end up spending much of it alone in the apartment or trying to sightsee. I agree with the not needing to drink to have fun too totally, I just know I'll want to be in bed after the main course is served! LOL

I think you're right that I am looking to re-enforce feelings of not wanting to go and pregnancy provides that.

I have been before to the city on a hen and I wouldn't feel comfortable sight seeing on my own and I am ready for bed at 2030 most nights so the thought of a 6am Friday flight, a beer bike and a fancy dress meal and drinks makes me want to faint and that's just the first day!

I am also assuming I'll have nausea which I might be lucky and not get, I have had a raging cold virus the past 10 days and I guess I am just feeling delicate :(

I will let the bride know I am pregnant and that I can't go and hope she understands - thanks so much for everyone's replies and sorry for sounding so sorry for myself! Am not usually like this at all!! Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
MrBensMrs · 12/02/2016 12:21

Thanks so much for the congrats too Montserrat and maybe Flowers

OP posts:
notinagreatplace · 12/02/2016 12:49

I think you're being more than a bit pessimistic about how you'll feel at 8 weeks. Lots of women feel absolutely fine. At 8 weeks pregnant, I had zero symptoms at all. But you seem to have convinced yourself that you will definitely feel really sick and tired and stuff.

ValiantMouse · 12/02/2016 13:04

It doesn't matter how you think you'll feel. You don't fancy going (and to be honest I don't blame you!) so explain to the bride why and don't feel bad about it.