re: 4 year old DD and gender identity

[herethereandeverywhere]

Sorry, have posted here for traffic, not sure where else it should be.

[trying to avoid drip feed, sorry if long]

DD2 is 4 next month. She wants to be a boy. If I ask 'Are you are girl or a boy?" she answers "I'm a girl but I want to be a boy". She selected lots of 'boy' toys for Xmas like fancy dress outfits of male characters. All of this I'm comfortable with. I was very 'ant-pink' with DD1 but as soon as she hit about 2.5 and started mixing with other kids it was Disney princesses and pink sparkles all the way. So DD2 was raised in a fairly universal environment of choose what you want.

Summer last year (just after I'd bought several dresses in the sale in time for holidays) she declared she would no longer wear dresses. This has moved on to any item that looks remotely female. I have replaced her princess knickers with pirate underpants, ditto socks. There is no way she'll wear any of DD's hand me down tops with 'girly' motifs on them. when I take her for new shoes she selects the 'boy' style. I have been fine with this and was pleased she was finding her own identity. She'd been shy-er and quieter than DD1 and I saw this as her coming out of her shell, being her own person.

The issue at the moment is her hair. It's currently past shoulder length and for the last week she has been going nuts when I try to tie it back, screaming 'no ponytail'. She says she wants 'boys hair'. Today she literally screamed the place down for 10 minutes and was sobbing, utterly heartbroken. I'd been hoping she just forgot about the hair thing but it's getting worse.

I really don't want to cut her hair off - it would take so long to grow back. Until now her choices have all been instantly removable (clothes/toys) if she moved on from this, but a short hair cut is something else.

So, I suppose it's AIBU about the hair - but more importantly: is this normal? How far do I let it go? has anyone else experienced similar and what did you do/say? I'm not afraid of having a transgender child but it seems wrong to be expressing what she's doing/saying in those terms when she's not yet 4.

[Jesabel]

I really don't understand why people insist their daughters have hair styles they don't like in the name of "being a girl". No wonder they reject girly things if this is the message they get at home - being a girl means putting up with things your don't like for no other reason than adults think it makes you look pretty

When you are up against things like that from your own parents, not surprising that being a boy seems like the better choice.

[BoffinMum]

Let her do what she likes. None of this matters in the bigger scheme of things, and it also is not necessarily related to sexuality in any way. Seriously.

[SagaAndMartinsLiftConvos]

What on earth is the problem with letting her get her hair cut? What's the big deal? Like a PP I grew up in the eighties and loads of girls had short hair, wore brothers' hand-me-downs, played the same games with the same toys etc. When I think of my childhood it was all scruffy jeans, lego, Star Wars figures and He-Man, with the odd second-hand Sindy thrown into the mix.

I think she absolutely should be allowed to make the (very sensible) choice of a short haircut. My DD wanted short hair when she was 6 because she hated having it brushed and done. I was actually delighted because I think short hair is fucking cool. We looked on Pinterest together and picked some styles she liked, had it done and it looked great. She had it done again last year aged 9 in a messy pixie-ish crop. It it seriously no big deal at all.

[BoffinMum]

PS More often than not I dressed my kids in a fairly gender neutral way apart from during DD's self-inflicted frilly dress phase. Did them no harm.

[0verNow]

At that age, my DBro was saying he wanted to be a cupboard...

[ScrambledSmegs]

Just cut her hair short. Hair grows .

[WorraLiberty]

I'm sure tying hair back doesn't help with nits as they live up at the scalp.

Head lice crawl all over the head and hair. So the chances of spreading from one head to another increase if two kids have long hair and are in close contact.

[NotMeNotYouNotAnyone]

She's rejecting "girly" things rather than actually being a girl. It doesn't sound like she feels she "is" a boy, just that as far as she can see boys get all the cool stuff

She's what would've just been called a tomboy before the gender queer stuff became so mainstream (I don't doubt that it's a very real thing and probably has been under reported previously hence a rise is realistic. But I'm wary of labelling such young children)

Let her cut her hair. It will grow back. And yes it will take a long time but it's not the end of the world, it's a lesson about choices and consequences.

[TheSunnySide]

cut her hair.

[originalmavis]

My sister was the same. Boy style clothes, shortish hair, boys toys... She even had her 'boy' name when we played 'oooh, let's play Peter and Tom go camping!'.

I don't thing your girl wants to be a boy - it just sounds like she really hates the pink sparkly stuff and if she has an elder sibling who does, she could be kicking against that too. It's maybe not 'boy' stuff she wants but not girly girl stuff. Get her plain stuff in colours that she likes, then its nor a case of 'sparkly fairy princess or grungy viking warrior?'.

I was girly girl but didn't like dollies as I found them creepy and I preferred Meccano. DS went through a phase of meowing and pretending to be a cat.

I think a little bob looks cute on girls - it was common in the 1930s and I have a photo of mum from then with a bob. It's probably more practical too. I had very long hair and hated it - I couldnt wear it loose on case if nits, swimming was a pain because of drying, I looked really daggy with it in a pigtail all the time... I'd kill for those luscious, long auburn tresses now!

[SoupDragon]

Do you really want to waste time fighting with her about her hair and both of you getting angry with each other? Just get it cut FFS.

[originalmavis]

Oh and when I did get my hair cut it was discovered that it was actually mad springs and stuck/sticks out at all angles.

[SoupDragon]

And stop asking her if she is a girl or a boy. Just let her be herself.

[MuddlingMackem]

Agree with those who say just cut her hair, there's no law saying girls have to have long hair. :-)

Re: the hand-me-down clothes. You need to find yourself the mother of a male classmate of DD with a younger sister who likes all things girly, and swap the hand-me-downs.

[LovelyFriend]

Just let her be.

If she wants short hair, get her a lovely short hair cut. What on earth is wrong with or difficult about a girl having short hair?

Maybe she is reacting to your very strong ideas about GIRLS things and BOYS things?

[TheCountessofFitzdotterel]

I am baffled as to why you don't just cut her hair. It will make life easier and if she does get nits the combing will be way quicker and less painful! When I was a little girl loads of us wanted long hair and weren't allowed it because of the extra work. Now it seems to be the other way round but I am not sure what the justification is meant to be!

[BunloafAndCrumpets]

You could get it cut short but still 'girly' as a sort of compromise? Ie no clippers, but a sort of um, hard to describe, what used to be called a 'bowl cut' but more styled?!

[originalmavis]

At that age they haven't a clue. Ask if a cat with a dog mask is a cat or dog at that age and they supposedly say 'dog' (if my memory from my degree psychology serves me).

Don't lead the witness! All that transflud, etc stuff is getting out of hand! Why does everything have to have a label or diagnosis?

Girl prefers plain clothes, doesn't want long hair. In her little world/experience that's being a boy. In mums world that's, what being gay or transgender?

[PhilPhilConnors]

This is ridiculous.
She's not transgender, she's 4 years old.
If she wants to have short hair and wear boys' clothes let her. What's the problem?
Let her be who she is, she does not have to conform to narrow gender stereotypes.
Why on earth would you ask a 4 yr old if they want to be a boy or a girl?

I was like this, I had short hair, wore boys clothes. I am a girl but I don't fit into the gender stereotypes, but it's not a problem.

Trying to fix her, assume there is an issue at this age will damage her.
Let her be who she is. If she still feels like this past puberty then that's the time to act, not now when she's 4!

God I'm so glad I was born 40 years ago when we were allowed to be children, not pushed immediately into a pink or blue category to suit the parents.

[ItchyArmpits]

I certainly wouldn't have a 3 year old dictate how she has her hair.

Why on earth not? Especially if she wants it cut into an easier-to-manage style. The only way in which a 3 year old's haircut matters is if it is making her unhappy. Which it is. So cut the stuff off. If she changes her mind, it'll grow back. If she doesn't, well, it's her hair, not yours.

And surely it's easier to get a nit-comb through short hair than long hair???

Disclaimer: I may be slightly biased. I had the reverse situation to your DD, regarding hairstyles. I was desperate to grow mine but my DM insisted on a chin-length bob my entire childhood. I hated it. It looked awful. As soon as I hit stroppy-teendom I refused to have it cut. My hair has been below my shoulder blades for the last 20 years as a result even though a shorter cut might actually be an improvement now

[Micah]

Why do girls who like anything that isn't stereotypically girly somehow "other"

Tomboy, ladette, girly girl, whatever. Why not just a girl, without needing a label for her likes and dislikes.

We are so far down this rabbit hole. Back in the 70's parents were told to go against gender norms and let their girls have an action man and boys a doll. Why are we regressing to a world of two distinct sexes, where there is no cross over with roles and likes/dislikes.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Of course she should be able to choose her own hair style, the op doesn't own her daughter.

What about a feathery pixie cut op?

Regards everything else, I wouldn't worry.

[APlaceOnTheCouch]

Yes, it's normal.

When my DS was 3 he wanted to be a cat he'd purr , miaow, etc we don't even have a cat . My point is that small children, can get an idea in their head and run with it, and also that they have their own opinions about what is important to them.

Your DD wants short hair so get it cut. It's not worth all the emotional upset. It won't make her any less or any more a girl. She is still her. Help her to be happy with herself . . . (disclaimer - this doesn't mean she won't find something else to get upset about. Some children will just move from one upset to another. That's ok too)

It's interesting that you sound as though you have tried very hard to counter gender stereotypes and yet you are struggling with the idea of a hair cut. Her hair will grow back. And it may be that wanting a hair cut is associated in her head with less brushing and less faffing and actually very little to do with wanting to look like a boy iyswim