To tell my friend that she smells???

[Mamadothehump]

I have a very good friend, let's call her Jane. Jane and I have only known each other for a couple of years or so but have become very close. She is a truly lovely person and we can count on each other for anything. Our children are very close and our husbands are now good mates. We talk almost daily and also socialise a lot together with other friends or both of our families as a group. We have all been away together and had an amazing time.

Trouble is, Jane has a problem with BO. It's not all the time but my god, it can be awful. Think "stink the room out" awful. I've only talked about it with DH as he has clearly noticed and I do want to talk to her about it but it's such a difficult one as I really don't want to embarrass her or for it to affect our friendship. I really can't believe that her DH or close family haven't said anything as you really can't miss it! I know she washes and seems hygienic in all other ways.

So people, how do I go about this?? I know I'm being a wuss about it and should probably bite the bullet and tell her but it's such a tricky one!!!
TIA

scarednoob
I wonder if "fish patty pants" had trimethylaminuria linked to above. Its also known as fish odour syndrome

I don't think she realises if she mad the comment about people keeping away 'as if we smelled or something'
Personally I think I'd be a coward and write a note annonymously.
We had a work colleague who had problems. Nobody would say anything. The problem disappeared (the work colleague stayed). I believe somebody in another department ( who rarely was in her company)said something as she was threatening to do so. Or a note was written.
How can partners not notice.
I have an acute sense of smell and wonder how the human race continued through all those smelly tomes

Jesus, the fish smell condition must be awful.

Saying that if I eat a curry I can def smell it under my arms the next day! . ....

Tanfastic
I think its quite common to sweat curry the next day. Garlic can also leave you a bit pungent the next day.

Phew

Is it her, or is it her clothes d'you think?

I went through a phase of using the Eco friendly setting on the washing machine, and we all ending up reeking by 11am as the clothes weren't being cleaned properly- it was just kinda baking in yesterday's stale deodorant and BO.

Maybe start a conversation about which wash setting she uses, and take it from there?

Oops smelly times.

I really don't think she knows because of the 'do we smell' comment. I have to be really harsh here and say she might not care or perhaps she doesn't know the difference between a deo and an anti perspirant.

I had a boyfriend. Only lasted a few dates. He had a shower every day but refused to use a anti perspirant. Said it was 'girly'. This was about 25 years ago but honestly it was horrible.

Also, for those you mention Mitcham. I had to stock up on the clear gel ones when going to the US because they weren't around in the UK. Used the solid stick which kept breaking. Just noticed that Boots is now stocking the clear gels - I can really really recommend it! Quick blast with your hairdryer under your arms and you are done.

It could be that she has blocked sweat glands, which can be overcome by Botox injections. I think you have to have them every six months but I know someone who had a similar problem and Botox helped. Your problem is how to mention that though. What about finding a leaflet about it and casually leave it somewhere where she won't know it's you that dropped it (at her house)?

OMG this reminds me of having to let a primary school helper know after I was tasked with the job being the chair of the PTA!

I was pregnant at the time and could not get near her without retching. It was so embarrassing.

I approached it from the angle that her washing machine might need looking at as it didn't seem to be washing her clothes properly. She didn't seem to take offense and said she'd get it looked at.

Never had a problem after that.

I used to work with a girl who smelled really badly of bo. No one who also worked with me wanted to say anything to her but would quite happily talk about the problem behind her back. It was awful. I really felt for her.
One day we were having lunch together and i "accidentally" dropped my Mitchum deodorant out of my bag in front of her then told her how it was the best thing ever, that i could go clubbing all night, dance for hours and go home still smelling clean. That i felt that all the mainstream deodorants were useless and i could smell myself after a days work, had been so paranoid until i discovered Mitchum, etc. She bought some and the problem was solved.
Tbh it was the truth, all normal deodorants were not strong enough for me, i had been incredibly paranoid that i smelled and other peope could smell it too and Mitchum has been a life saver in terms of both no more odour and knowing i smell clean.

I think I smell. I've always sweated a lot, slightest exertion even when not overweight and yes I use deodrant and shower every morning.

It's a difficult one. I would be upset if my friends said anything, but would also appreciate the tip off so I could take action. So I think you should say something but try and mitigate the upset - recommending a product (mitchums is good as pp said) ie 'it's difficult when it's really stuffy inside isn't it? Have you tried xxx?'

If she looks offended, remind her 'it's only human - I'd tell you if you had food in your teeth or a ladder in your tights cos that's what friends do'

chas probably. It was such a shame.

The incontinent girl had the unfortunate name of Aleki ( a leaky), it didn't help. Kids can be awful.

I would probably say something tactfully. I use a roll on called certain dri. You apply it before going to bed. It's great, after the first week I only need to apply it once every few nights

If it's not an all-the-time thing it may well be related to some kind of stress she's under. Is there something in her life that's causing her stress or anxiety? Sweat comes from both apocrine and eccrine sweat glands, and the apocrine sweat is the one that generally causes stink - and if the person is under stress, the smell can noticeably change. I have cPTSD which occasionally causes big anxiety attacks, and I've noticed that when I go to take my shirt off to shower on days when that's happened, the sweat in my pits a) has got past my deodorant and b) smells like it's from a different person altogether! So, maybe try to suss out if she's having problems with her DH, her kids, her job, the taxman, anything like that?

Otherwise, if that's not it, from your description it sounds like you're close enough friends that you could have a quiet word with her and not offend. If a close friend of mine mentioned that sometimes my deodorant seemed to be failing me, I can't imagine I'd be offended unless she did it in front of everybody.

I use magnesium oil as I don't like aluminium based ones ( dementia is rife in my family).

It can be a bit harsh after shaving so I tend to use a crystal rock on those days.

It seems like they almost put a seal on your pits.

I'm not very sweaty to be fair.

Some holland and Barrett outlet stores do a buy one get one half price so you'll get two for around £18. They last ages and it will also give you your daily dose of magnesium as well.

My mum used to work with a man who smelt all the time. Colleagues were often unkind and left deodorant sticks on his desk etc but it turned out he had witnessed the death of his brother in a road traffic accident as a boy and this had caused it. Therefore, I would not mention it. You never know if there is a reason for it.

Someone mentioned man-made fibres. Has anyone noticed that some but not all of their clothes seem to collect white powdery stuff in the armpits which NEVER washes off? I have. Also, when I lived with my parents there were one or two tshirts which always stank like mould after being washed. I couldn't figure out why, but I hated wearing them, of course. I think clothing can play a large part in the problem with BO. OP, does your friend wear a particular top a lot?

i think you need to tell your friend, be gentle but say you have noticed a smell

i had to do this at our gym, in our class a woman stunk and we move about some sometimes would be in her space iyswim, and the person would cough/retch etc

She's going to be mortified, humiliated and upset. Can't you just accept it? No one is perfect. Unless it makes you feel physically sick, maybe just grin and bear it?

I don't think I'd say anything OP.

I think people who smell know they smell but make excuses to themselves, the environment, dry skin, busy etc

I doubt your friend is unaware, she's married after all. Her husband would have told her and she's obviously still done nothing so I'd let it lie.

I actually dated a guy that would get a bit wiffy, I asked him what deodorant he uses and his response was 'I don't use deodorant, I was every day so I don't need it'.

*wash

I told my new boyfriend he smells! Known him a long time but we'd only been going out a few weeks. The way I did it was asking what he washed his t-shirts in and suggesting adding some oxygen bleach powder to the wash as they "didn't always smell very fresh". It's often the clothes that smell rather than the actual person (I had a similar problem in the past particularly with sports clothes). He was very grateful that i told him, and that I did it gently an tactfully. He gave all his tops an initial hot wash and is now more careful how he washes them, adding the bleach powder and not over stuffing the machine. Made a massive difference!

It's now a bit of a joke between us, but he's happy to ask if he smells after a day at work and (because he's never been as bad I said something), I'm happy to have a good sniff and give an honest answer!

Natty. Yep, I recognise that statement. Also there are some people who really don't care. They live in hovels, know their 'rights', they put themselves first, why on earth would they pander to other people thinking they smell

They just don't care what people think of them.

I could honestly say that it would be a deal breaker for me to date a man that didn't look after his personal needs.

If you really do sweat more than others then I am sorry but you will need to wash more often. I wash my hair every day. Its quite short and if I don't it sticks up and looks stupid. So, I take 15 mins to wash and style every day. Its a pain and I am very jealous of people who wash their hair every 2-3 days but they are lucky and I am not - I just need to accept it

I would love the extra 15 mins in bed....