To tell my friend that she smells???

[Mamadothehump]

I have a very good friend, let's call her Jane. Jane and I have only known each other for a couple of years or so but have become very close. She is a truly lovely person and we can count on each other for anything. Our children are very close and our husbands are now good mates. We talk almost daily and also socialise a lot together with other friends or both of our families as a group. We have all been away together and had an amazing time.

Trouble is, Jane has a problem with BO. It's not all the time but my god, it can be awful. Think "stink the room out" awful. I've only talked about it with DH as he has clearly noticed and I do want to talk to her about it but it's such a difficult one as I really don't want to embarrass her or for it to affect our friendship. I really can't believe that her DH or close family haven't said anything as you really can't miss it! I know she washes and seems hygienic in all other ways.

So people, how do I go about this?? I know I'm being a wuss about it and should probably bite the bullet and tell her but it's such a tricky one!!!
TIA

"Look, I feel bad mentioning it, but I'm not sure that the deodorant/antiperspirant you use always works. I think you may need to try another one."

YY

I would handle this by saying I have become more sweaty as I have got older and have had to buy industrial strength deodorant and switch to natural fibres and what a pain in the arse this ageing thing is. Follow that on with the stuff you never get told that is part of the joy of womanhood. If she doesn't take the bait then ask her if she has the same thing and how does she deal with it?

Blimey there are a lot of stinky people threads recently!

OP I feel for you - I would find it extremely awkward and almost impossible to say anything, but I would want to help my friend. You sound very nice, I hope you find the right words to help her.

As someone who gets sudden sweats and is paranoid about them, recommending a product is likely the nicest way.

You should say something, that's what a good friend would do.

Another one here agreeing about "recommending a great deoderant you've just discovered for yourself" - this is the kindest way. Or how about "Ive just bought this on a two-for-one to try it - why don't you take one and we can compare notes?"

Hmm.., the thing is, if she does know about it, then 'subtle hints' could be really humiliating for her. I'd maybe go with starting a conversation about something you are sensitive / embarrassed about and ask if she has anything like that? Or saying you forgot to wear deodorant one day and felt really self-conscious about whether you smelled bad, does she ever worry about things like that? Could give her a good avenue in to see whether she is aware of it or not, then you can adjust your response accordingly.

Is is a normal BO smell or is it a bit different

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/trimethylaminuria/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Some people can't process a particular chemical that comes from the breakdown of certain foods.

My husband is not normally a stinker. But he suddenly started noticing that no matter how much he washed, he smelled of b.o.

I made him go the gp despite him being embarrassed. The gp reassured him that it's a really common problem, it can happen suddenly to people who've never had trouble before. He was prescribed an anti bacterial gel stuff that you put on twice a day. Used it until it was gone, never had a problem since.

I think you should say something. Even though it's embarrassing, if it was me, I'd want to know.

I disagree that the person definitely knows. I worked with someone who had to be called in and addressed as it was a client who complained eventually. No one wanted to tell her. Well she came back after the weekend smelling absolutely fine. Whatever she did she obviously wasn't doing before.
Her husband and kids may not have noticed as they may be used to it themselves or the house has the smell that they haven't picked it up as different.
I think a good friend would tell her.

I would try to find an opportunity to bring it up naturally in an existing conversation, rather than starting a Talk about it specifically. Like discussing beauty products or make up, bring up deodorant, ask which she uses and go from there.

Or, wait for a day where she really does smell undeniably awful and then use one of the tactics from PPs like 'were you running earlier, I think your top has soaked in the sweat!' or 'was it one of those insanely busy mornings where you didn't have time for a shower' or something.

It might be hormonal.

My thoughts, too! Largely because it happens to me. It started a few years before menopause kicked in. You've not mentioned your ages; it might be that, or lots of women's sweat changes for the worse around the time of their period.

If you've noticed it follows a rough monthly cycle, I reckon you can mention it in the context of a 'hormones are a bastard' type conversation. Pretend you know me and tell her how I never even needed deodorant (true) until my chemistry started to change. Hopefully you can wriggle it round until she asks whether you've noticed anything around her time of the month?

Oh, for added background if I'm going to be your imaginary friend - I was allergic to antiperspirants, so it was handy that I didn't really need them. The only one I could safely use was an impossibly expensive one by Vichy.

When I became more stinky, the allergy went away - thank goodness.

Thanks all, lots of good advice. Still not sure what to do though! I have mentioned in a previous casual conversation the brand that I use but she didn't seem to pick up on it. I think I'm going to go with the casual approach and go from there.

Btw if anyone is having problems with smelly underarms then the Sure deodorant is absolutely amazing - it had changed my life. I used to very conscious of my underarms smelling even though I'd shower every day. That deodorant will not let you down. I promise I don't work for them, I just wish I had known earlier in life.

Could I post one anonymously through her letter box?!?!

Sometimes it can be bras & sweaty armpits in clothes - especially with cooler washes & non bio powder. I chuck mine out regularly now after realising that's why I couldn't get my deodorant to work. Clean on bra & it was stinky within half an hour.

Mama buy her one of these ...you could say they were buy one get one free and you thought you might as well both try them out - all casual like?

It does work really well because it inhibits (smelly) bacteria from forming in the first place. It might help her to apply this first before using a 'masking' deodorant.

www.wikaniko.com/shop/natural-deodorant-stone.html

...just a thought

Well posting a deo through her letterbox will only work if a lack of deo/deo not working anymore is the reason she smells. But if you say that she is generally hygienic it's more likely to be hormonal/diet/etc. So no...afraid that won't do OP

I had to say something to a man at work once. There'd been months worth of hinting and leaving deodorants in the changing room to the point people were getting a bit harsh towards him but still not direct. It was left to me as a senior person where we worked and I asked him if we could have a quiet, private word. I said that it wasn't an easy thing for me to bring up and I hoped he didn't mind me raising it but there seemed to be an issue with his antipersperant as he was noticeably sweating and not smelling fresh. He was taken aback and said he had no idea. He also had no idea about the hints being directed towards him. He went to his GP but I don't know the outcome of that. He used to change uniform and freshen up throughout the shift if things were getting noticeable and he would ask a few people who he trusted to tell him if he was getting whiffy. My point is that sometimes you can't keep skirting around an issue and you need to be direct but kind.

Those crystals did bog all for me.

Sure men's deodorant does, though. For really insistent perspiration, roll-ons and sticks work better than sprays (and creams, but you have to walk round with your arms in the air for ages.)

I suspect she already knows, poor thing. I was at school with two girls who smelled. One was incontinent and smelt of urine. The other was known as fish patty pants. Both tried really hard and both were well aware that they still smelled.

If it were me, I would either say nothing, or raise it on the assumption that she already knows and be willing to talk about solutions. However, I would be prepared for her to get rather upset. What a sad situation :(

This has just bought back awful
Memories for me.

Please bear in mind I know this is horrible and bullying. We had a teacher in secondary school who stank. Really badly but not of BO but fishy fanny. The old thing I can think is she smelt like an old tampon you've left in too long.

We were fucking horrible to her, everyone called her fishy behind her back. She must have known.

I wouldn't tell your mate or drop subtle hints. I'm guessing she knows already. You could casually mention that you smell. So "God I'm BOing so bad today need a shower". See if that takes you anywhere?

Just tell her in a kind and straightforward way. I think subtle hints may be taken as unkind digs, and an anonymous deodorant-drop through the letterbox will leave her wondering who's telling her she needs it.

I think deodorants are a bit rubbish. I changed to highly rated one after reading about the chemical in anti-perspirants and possible links to lymph node/breast cancer and found that I stank and my clothes did by the end of a working day, sitting at a desk. Went back to Sure in the end. My husband has stuck with the organic lentil weaving deo stuff but he showers 2-3 times a day so not really an issue.

Man made fibres are the big issue for me. You smell stale very quickly and it is really hard to get rid of the smell at low temperatures