Werid questions from health vistor

[Sunbeam1112]

It seems to change all the time currently pregnant with DC 3 and had my health vistor pre baby visit. With DC2 i had my intial visit at the beginging of my pregnancy normal standard questions.

my DD had her 2year check couple mobths everything ok HV wad impressed how advanced DD was. So when i had my visit on monday i was taken back by the questions asked.

H/V Questions asked
Mine & DH childhood how would we describe it?
If we had siblings?where they treated better?
Who was i closest to growing up?
How did our parents discipline us?
How do i discipline my children?
Asked about our fiances if we could afford the house? Explained my DH was on a very good wage.

Asked about domestic abuse twice?
Past relationship with DS dad
Asked twice if i self harmed?

Aibu to seem to think it was OTT. Given we live in a nice area, clean tidy house, Already got 2 DC no problems. She read from two questionnaires. Spoke to my SIL who is a social worker and said shes probs be on safe guarding course or they might of been a child death in the area. H/V is doing additional two visits after baby. She said at the end shes happy nothing to worry about. Just odd to do so many for a third baby.

I would find it intrusive and I wonder how many people who have had massive problems in their upbringing or now would honestly say yes - when they may start a ball rolling they dont want to roll!

I think there's a new system. I've been asked about social service involvement at every mw and consultant appointment so far. The consultant apologised and said they have to ask every time.

This is my third pregnancy and I've not had the question after my booking before

fusionconfusion Wed 10-Feb-16 13:39:49 sounds awful agree about box ticking.

amazed you even saw an hv though, I did with first but second time round I had to go tto them if I wanted them ( i didnt!)

kitty I think thats a good idea, to ask about ss involvement but again if there was - would someone admit it? shouldnt THAT already be on medical file?

'I would find it intrusive and I wonder how many people who have had massive problems in their upbringing or now would honestly say yes - when they may start a ball rolling they dont want to roll!'

Exactly! Very personal, too. I know a lot of people who went NC so the past could stay there.

I'm not sure, I think they'd probably have to as they'd be found out at some point.

I work with kids so totally understand why these questions need asking. However, some of the questions the op was asked are a little personal (I'm used to answering these kind of questions after lots of mh referrals but I can imagine they jar if you're not used to it)

I think these questions are intrusive. I'd be tempted to answer, "Mind your own business'" to some of them.

You do know you don't have to answer these questions, OP?

It can work well though. The HV was the one who got me access to the counselling when I needed it both times (one 13 years ago when I had twin DDs and recently also).

I live in a nice house, in a nice area, my husband earns well, my house is clean, but I was systematically abused by my parents and my biggest fear in life is being like them. Twice the HV has been the one to spot that the 'I'm doing fine...' mask was purely a mask.

Don't get me wrong, there are some shit HV's. Some who are worse than no HV, but some are amazing.

From everything my last HV said (she was trying to persuade me to become a HV because I'd expressed an interest in becoming a midwife) I think the 'what is your husband's salary?' is a more subtle way of saying 'Do you know what your husband's salary is?' because people often don't want to answer the blunter questions about DV. And actually also because some people don't realise they are being abused.

Last week I was visited by the HV (was actually out when she arrived and my DH let her in). She had called briefly last week but it hadn't suited (despite a note on my file saying no doorstepping). I told her I was working and baby was asleep. She claimed she didn't actually need to see the baby (complete lie). I said I'd prefer to go to the surgery but she said no, it had to be in the home.

So last week when I arrived, she had already asked my DH if I did baby groups and been told that no, but we have a very supportive community with church etc. and we're doing BLW with DS. In the hour she stayed after that (during which DS grizzled because it was his nap time, as she well knew), she informed me:

• I should go to baby groups because it's always good 'for the mum to get out'.
• It was explained why children should be eating solids at six months. This is my second child. We're doing BLW at the suggestion of a different HV, but this was dismissed.
• Apparently I hadn't looked well. Had I been very tired? (Was revising for an exam, as I told her at the time.) But today I looked better.
• She was happy with DS's progress (this declared in a 'you have passed!' tone of voice. What is she? An inspector? She didn't mention if the home had passed or not, though).
• I should get my chimney cleaned. (She has no idea when it was last cleaned).

That is the last HV appointment I'll ever have. Apart from injections.

Oh, and if I was being regularly beaten up by my DH, she wouldn't have had a clue. So what is she basing this 'data' on? Whether I'm dressed? Done the dishes? Had my eyebrows done?

And that disingenuous walk through the kitchen to 'wash my hands'. Every time. Please....

I'd be a bit miffed at those questions....why on earth do they need to know your husbands salaries etc???

I would be reallu mifted at the questions seen that when I did need some help and asked for some (for PND, their 'bread and butter as I have been told), I didn't get any.

YY a ticking exercise there to cover their arse.
But there is no reason to make people feel unconfortable.

I'm also wondering if this wouldn't actually then stop women to ask for help. If you have been made to feel that unconfortable when your baby is still a newborn, will yoou really want to contact them again if you feel you are struggling? I certainly didn't. I was too worried thue would take dc1 away already and they had been 'nicer' than that....

What exactly would they do if you said had difficult childhood or parents favoured one child over the other? You are not likely to admit either really are you. Why would you want mark against your name over potential problems and a score.

It would be one thing if services had the money to counsellor or support new parents so if you suddenly found self worrying about treating kids same or finding SAHP role difficult status to adjust to but unless you have serious mental health problem there isn't much can do , and even if can its limited and long list.

MrsDeVere I agree with you.

My personnal experinec is that it's much easier to open up and talk (let's say about abuse or PND) to someone who is open and nice than someone who is ding a box ticking exercise and ots you under scrutiny.
Strange that isn't it?

But I can also see that if you only do the looking after and nice talk, how are you going to 'prove' you've checked??

"H/V Questions asked
Mine & DH childhood how would we describe it?
If we had siblings?where they treated better?
Who was i closest to growing up?
How did our parents discipline us?
How do i discipline my children?
Asked about our fiances if we could afford the house? Explained my DH was on a very good wage."

These questions are pretty invasive. Interesting but not appropriate in my opinion.

"roll out new initiatives to tackle DV, abuse, childhood poverty etc."
Not much HVs can do about any of these.

I don't see why attending baby groups is a must. Alot are too far away and i dont drive. With having a toddler and one of the way plus school runs its too much.

I've 6 dc so met a few H.V over the last 26 years.

With my last dc only 2 years ago, the H.V was silly enough to ask if there was anything she could help with...

I have 2 dc with SN. One was out of school. My exdp had left me. My mother is a raging alcoholic. I had no family or friends locally.
I have had severs PND. Desperately needed restpite. Desperate to get ds diagnosed. Told her all of this...

H.V suggested i think about ff so the baby would sleep sooner.
Nothing else. Never came back. I've never been to a clinic with dd (now 2yrs old).
Loads of risk factors but nothing came from asking for help!

Typical HCP!

Mine 'insisted' on meeting on meeting my older children when she came after dc4 was born. Presumably to check I wasn't keeping them in a cellar or something . (Just to clarify, we are not a family who has ever had ss involvement ).While I think that safeguarding is very important, she made me feel judged and spied on and uncomfortable in my own home.

This is not the ideal effect for a hcp to be having on hormonal women who are already feeling vulnerable because they have just given birth.

There needs to be some serious work done in training hv how to go about safeguarding tactfully and without causing stress to the very women they are supposed to hrlp amd support.

It's all in the way it is communicated.
People do tend to open up, if asked in the right way. Reading directly from a form is never going to make friends and influence people. People in difficult situations are often glad to 'offload' a bit. (Not all obviously, but lots are). Obviously if everything is hunky dory, you could be bemused, or as this thread demonstrates - insulted by the questions.

They really can't win.
They didn't ask - so if things go wrong, they didn't do enough, they should be struck off, they're a lazy box-ticking waste of space. But yet, when god-awful Baby P type news stories break, people wail, "where were the health visitors in all this?"
Or, they did ask- they're a nosey, intrusive cow, who should get lost.

There's a small section of mumsnet who jump onto HV threads just to bash. It's so disheartening seeing it, working in children's services, knowing the value of the role to people who really need the support.

The thing with cases like baby P is that the hcp and ss did know there was a problem. They just did nothing about it.

There were never meant to be direct questions. In the original pilot projects the HVs had a lot of training - in communication skills, basic counselling etc.

The so called "questions" were suggested prompts to encourage discussion. Definitely not intrusive questions.
It was supposed to be an ongoing assessment over 12 weeks of regular visits.
There wasn't enough funding for this so in many areas it got changed into a check list to be done at the first (and often only) HV contact.
Worse than useless but never mind, it gives the appearance of "doing something" .

I think it's normal now for that sort of thing. It's about safe guarding children. And making sure a support system is there if needed.

The problem though is that these intrusive, clumsy approaches are alienating the very people who may need to turn to hv in the future. No woman is going to seek help from someone who made them feel spied on and judged. Particularly first time parenrs who are still learning how to care for babies.