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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not wear this ring?

68 replies

RavenOriole · 09/02/2016 02:21

MIL died v. recently and I have inherited an enormous sapphire and diamond ring. It was made pre-Diana but think her engagement ring for sort of scale. But bigger. It is not me.

FIL thinks I will wear it all the time as a living memory. DH is the same but is currently mirroring his dad in all things MIL related.

But not only is it not my style, I'm not comfortable walking around with something on my finger worth more than my house.

I obv won't sell it, but equally I won't wear it. Is there any way of doing this without causing offence?

OP posts:

diddl · 09/02/2016 07:56

So sorry to hear about your babies.

Everyone is grieving, but they still need to respect you.

It's very thoughtful that you have the ring, but that also means that it is yours to do with as you wish.

Sounds like the sort of thing that I would wear only on special occasions.

It might be better made into another ring, a pendant or a brooch, but certainly best left atm!

I think that you might just have to tell them when/if it's mentioned that you won't be wearing it all the time!

x2boys · 09/02/2016 07:58

could you have it made into jewelry that you might wear occasionally and keep them in a safe it wouldnt be to my style either .

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 09/02/2016 08:15

You poor love
I have a special ring inherited from my aunt which isn't worth what yours is but still probably about £1k plus it's sentimental. I would never wear it unless it's a special occasion. I wear a lovely family ring with garnets and a pearl and I've worn it every day fo 15 years, the pearl is destroyed and the garnet has a chip. I don't mind because it's not valuable and I love wearing it but I'd be devastated if the special ring got damaged.

CruCru · 09/02/2016 08:16

Hmm. From the sound of it, they will be quite unhappy if you get the ring broken up into other pieces. And, realistically, would you then feel that you have to wear the pendant-and-earrings set all the time?

It's reasonable to only wear it occasionally. BUT you need to say that this is what you are going to do.

witsender · 09/02/2016 08:17

Can you get a fake made on the quiet and lock the real thing away?

FlossieTurner · 09/02/2016 08:56

I think I would say something like

" this is so precious I am really worried about wearing it. Would it be Ok FiL if I buy a pretty ring box and keep it on my dressing table instead. I would really like to look at it, and treasure it that way. The thought of losing it quite terrifies me"

I have passed on some very similar rings recently from my mum. I would never expect the recipients to wear them. They are keepsakes. Don't know if they would be willing to listen if you tell them that is the more traditional way with inherited jewellery.

Lweji · 09/02/2016 09:05

Thinking further, I think I'd just say that wearing it every day would make me upset at having a constant reminder of MIL.

Importantly, though, I don't think I'd ask permission in any way or form not to wear it. You have no obligation whatsoever. It wasn't passed on to you as your engagement ring, so it has no special meaning to you apart from reminding you of her. Who wasn't even your mother, as close as you were. If anything, you could wear it as a favour to them, but they have to realise that she's gone and heal from it. In the nicest possible way, t's just a ring. Not MIL.

What2 · 09/02/2016 09:30

Sorry for your loss.

If it's worth £££'s then you will have to have a proper safe installed with an appropriate rating (not sure of correct terminology) You may not get insurance without other improvements to your home security such as an alarm.

A big stoned ring doesn't suit everyone especially if you have small hands and I think the princess Diana style is very old fashioned.

Sapphires are a lot softer than diamonds and if you wear it you would have to take it off to do certain thinks - it's the constant putting on and taking off that is the biggest risk. That's why I only wear diamonds . I don't even take my rings off if I'm gardening.

Have you actually had it valued properly? There are sapphires and then there Sapphires.

Did you MIL leave it to you specifically. It's a generous gift.

LittleLionMansMummy · 09/02/2016 09:50

I'd probably say that it's lovely and I'm very honoured, however wearing such an expensive and priceless (sentimentally) piece every day would make me feel like a prime target for theft and as a consequence I also feel quite personally vulnerable. I'd probably say I'd wear it on special occasions but intend to keep it in a very safe place for the rest of the time.

landrover · 09/02/2016 09:56

I think that I would have a replica made and keep ring in a safe (possibly I would be tempted to sell it, sorry

YellowTulips · 09/02/2016 10:15

Similar issue with me (though without the family pressure).

I've inherited a diamond ring from my great aunt worth about £20k. My Mum jokingly refers to it as the "family rock"!

I'm not a big "ring" person (apart from my engagement and wedding ring). Personally I just don't like the look of hands covered in rings. Also because the diamond is so big I actually think it looks to big to be real and thus a bit tacky iyswm?

Fortunately I'm not under any pressure from family to wear it, but it seems silly for it to lie in a safe.

So I've agreed with my mum that I'm going get the diamond re-set as a pendent necklace that I can wear on posh occasions.

Could you do something similar? It sounds given the size, that it might work better for you as a necklace?

icanteven · 09/02/2016 10:18

I would not have the ring broken up - it would be really disrespectful.

Personally, I would make a good go at wearing the ring as often as possible. I have a whopping great antique Aquamarine ring that isn't as valuable as yours of course, but I wear it all the time, and no other jewellery.

It gives me confidence in certain (slightly illogical!) situations and, well, it's beautiful. It does not fit in with the fashion I wear, but thats the thing about high end jewellery - it doesn't have to. It simply goes with everything.

Wear the ring and just make it a part of your life. You don't have to wear it to the gym, but I'm sure that there is a way you can work in to your regular wardrobe. It's a huge honour, and if ever there was any doubt, it means that your FIL really, honestly thinks of you as his daughter, which means a lot.

bakeoffcake · 09/02/2016 10:24

I do agree that breaking it up to make another piece of jewellery may be really hurtful to FIL.

That's why I've told my DDs that when I go they can break up my jewellery, I wear gold, they both wear silver/platinum. But I'm very happy for them to reuse my stones in a design they love.

FarrowandBallAche · 09/02/2016 10:45

Oh no you can't break it up.

I would do what Flossie said.

So sorry that you're having such a rough time OP

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/02/2016 10:48

Again, don't make any decisions on it just now.
Go home, preferably with your DH - and wait for a while.
Then maybe further down the line, talk to your FIL about your issues with the ring and see what compromises may be reached. :)

YellowTulips · 09/02/2016 11:32

I'm not suggesting you break up the ring without talking to your FIL/DH first!

Upshot is I don't think you should be obligated to wear anything you are not comfortable with. Whatever the reason.

If changing the ring would making more appealing to wear then there is no harm in suggesting that.

sparechange · 09/02/2016 11:37

I don't have anything useful to say about the ring, but just wanted to say how sorry I am for the loss of your baby and MIL

XiCi · 09/02/2016 11:39

Don't lie, be truthful and just clearly state that the ring is not your style and you would not feel comfortable wearing it. The suggestion that it be put away safely for your Dd is a good one.

LionsLedge · 09/02/2016 11:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

What2 · 09/02/2016 13:39

The FIL might be perfectly happy for the OP to break up the ring. If I was the MIL I would want the OP to enjoy the ring in whatever way works for her. Having expensive jewellery sitting in a safe is pointless. Jewellery should be worn and enjoyed.

theycallmemellojello · 09/02/2016 13:45

Can't you wear it on occasion? Just explain you feel nervous about it everyday.

What2 · 09/02/2016 13:48

The problem with keeping it for any potential DD is that she may not like it either. It's a dated style and that's not going to change. Also what happens if you have several DDs. A DD may also not feel any sentimental attachment to the ring as she won't have known you MIL - it obviously depends on your family.

I think you should see how everyone feels about it being made into a pendant. It depends on the size of the diamonds by if they are little I wouldn't use them and would set the sapphire in a plain simple setting.

Sapphires can be beautiful.

Unhappyexpat · 09/02/2016 13:52

Get a copy made. You can do this quite cheaply.
Depending on what type of stones /metal you have ofc ;)
Put the original in a bank vault and insure it.

I'm very sorry for your losses. I'd avoid conflict as much as you can over this - it's the kind of thing that people displace grief onto and make bigger than it needs to be. Hope you can find a way around it.

MatildaTheCat · 09/02/2016 14:01

I inherited a similar sounding item from my grandma a few years ago. Not really me at all. I wore it for a few key dates to show my appreciation and then kept it safe. After a good few years I took it to a jeweller and had the ring re made into a diamond eternity style ring which I now wear along with my wedding band and engagement ring which is sort of similar. The sapphire is not being used but as others suggest would make a pretty pendant.

Some rings don't suit certain people, I have small hands and rings which stand up look wrong on me. I think keeping the essence of the piece and then wearing and loving it is more meaningful than wearing it out of duty.

Perhaps just give it a bit of time first?

CharlieSierra · 10/02/2016 18:50

Are you sure it's worth as much as you think? There seems to be a disconnect between your relative circumstances if it's worth more than your house. I'm intrigued.

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