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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say something about this smelly friend?

74 replies

OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 16:17

My best friend's brother stinks. He's a proper scruffy git and I'm not sure he knows what soap and water is. (Example- his hands are always filthy.) He smells like dirty clothes. He's always dressed in old ratty clothes (he came out shopping with us the other day and wore a jumper with a huge stain on the front and a hole in the arm. A group of ladies went past and made a comment about his appearance!)

Friend has asked me to take her to look at a new car tomorrow. Brother wants to come along and quite frankly, the thought of him being there is making me not want to go. (He's also an abrasive twat who thinks the world's against him!) I could smell him in my car after he'd gotten out the other day.

I've known them for many years and there's no reason for him to be like this. I think it comes down to just not giving a crap. WIBU to say something to him?

OP posts:

TitClash · 07/02/2016 17:35

Its ok not to be ok with people having very poor personal hygeine. Get over it.
People who are complaining have never had their home or car left with a bad odour from someone who just cant be bothered to wash.
There are people who act out their hatred of society in passive aggressive ways and this is one of them.

I'm not talking about an accident, or incontinence, which cannot be helped.

Jollyphonics · 07/02/2016 17:35

I disagree that dire personal hygiene isn't "rude". OK so it might not be a deliberate personal affront, but it can still be rude. Health/MH/water-supply problems aside, being vomit-inducingly smelly can be as offensive as dropping your pants and doing a poo in public!

paxillin · 07/02/2016 17:37

He is not your friend, he's your friend's brother. Not your business if he smells unless he tags along. I would say to your friend you'll come if the brother doesn't or she can go with her brother. Tell her why. She can then pick

A) go with brother
B) tell brother to wash and have both of you.
C) tell him not to come and why
D) make something up why he can't come and go with you.

Not sure if the friendship will survive this, but it sounds like it won't survive the smelly brother anyway.

cosytoaster · 07/02/2016 17:41

Well if he is going to be so rude as to insist on going with you, I don't think you would be out of order to tell him why he can't

Goingtobeawesome · 07/02/2016 17:42

Next time he says about wanting a job could you say you were told his appearance was a factor in not getting the position at your work and would he like you to recommend a hairdresser. Be gentle. Don't assume no depression. Some people can hide it well.

Maudofallhopefulness · 07/02/2016 17:43

I don't think you're unreasonable. You're blunt but sometimes it's easier to hear this kind of thing from blunt, outspoken people than cringingly 'quiet chats' from someone trying to be kind and tactful. It isn't as if OP is being bitchy and she's not unsupportive.

Believeitornot · 07/02/2016 17:43

Yanbu

It is anti social at best to inflict your unclean dirty rank smell on other people.

Why don't you raise this with your friend?

manicinsomniac · 07/02/2016 17:48

I think it's possible to have a depressed attitude without having depression, if that makes any sense.

This brother sounds very like my mum. My dad died years ago and my mum hasn't cared about her appearance since. She was never into fashion and always very obese but now she is morbidly obese, doesn't wash her clothes often enough and doesn't wash herself enough. She will go out of her way to avoid a shower at my house (even to the point that I leave it running for her - pretending the temperature controls are tempermental - and I am 90% sure she goes in the bathroom and pretends to use it. It's bizarre.) I guess it's partly to do with her weight. But yeah, she smells around 60% of the time, I'd say. Her clothes are cleanish but she wears them for far too many days on the trot.

Everyone in my family assumed she had depression. My aunt talked to her about it. I think she even rang my mum's GP about it (there were worse hygiene issues a few years ago that are now cleared up). But my mum says she isn't depressed and the GP didn't find depression either.

However, I still think there has to be an attitude of depression in her, even without the disease. She is bereaved and sees no point in looking nice any more. She may not have a clinical illness but she's clearly not happy enough to take pride in how she looks.

It sounds to me like your friend's brother is the same. I wouldn't be so harsh with him. I would say something if I had the courage but it would have to come from a place of compassion. Are you close to him or is 'just' your friend's brother?

Branleuse · 07/02/2016 17:51

if youre blunt, cant you just say mate, i dont mind you coming, but you need to shower and put clean clothes on because you fucking stink.

OzzieFem · 07/02/2016 17:53

Did you ask him why he didn't wear the interview suit? You could also mention to your girlfriend to google job interview tips. Most of those mention clothing, it's more subtle than telling her "your brother stinks".

As an example: www.miningoilgasjobs.com.au/career-resources/the-job-interview/personal-presentation-at-the-interview.aspx

OzzieFem · 07/02/2016 17:57

Branleuse - Just in case you think my post refers to yours it doesn't. It was a X post.

pocketsaviour · 07/02/2016 18:08

I would 100% go with Bran's approach. If the sister is quiet and shy there's no point expecting her to drop the bomb. she may have even "delicately" raised it and it's gone in one ear and out the other. This guy is seriously anti-social and needs telling.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 07/02/2016 18:19

Well someone's got to tell him that unless he cleans up his act he doesn't stand a chance of getting a job.
OP, I agree with PPs, could you ask him why he didn't wear his suit to the interview? Makes me wonder if he's deliberately sabotaging his chances.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 07/02/2016 18:20

I meant just "sabotaging his chances", not "deliberately sabotaging"

Original poster

OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 18:23

It's not just clothes. His hands are always filthy too.

Do you think "name, you need to take better care of yourself. You smell and you look dirty. Cleaning yourself up and dressing better will help you find a job," sounds about right?

OP posts:

Jollyphonics · 07/02/2016 18:32

Yes I think that's fine OP.

cosytoaster · 07/02/2016 18:35

Yes, particularly if you can say it in a friendly, matey but direct way as opposed to headmistressy way

RedOnHerHedd · 07/02/2016 18:47

I personally think there's more to it, I think there's some depression going on WRT parents dying, loss of job, etc.

I think s friendly chat about "are you feeling ok at the moment?" And then if he asks why, I'd reply with "I'm a little bit worried about you, I've noticed that you're maybe not looking after yourself as well as you should, and I don't want you to think I don't care, because I do, and I don't like seeing you like this. Is there anything I can do to help?".

RedOnHerHedd · 07/02/2016 18:49

That way, he knows that people have noticed, and he may not realise himself. But it lets him know, without you telling him "you stink".

lorelei9 · 07/02/2016 18:59

I think Red has the right approach. I think also as you got him a job interview, you can say you were surprised at his outfit.

How old is he? If he invites himself to stuff, it does become your problem, I see that.

Original poster

OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 19:34

He's in his early 30s. (We all are.)

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 07/02/2016 20:08

Yes he should be made aware, but there's a word called "tact". It doesn't have be done via rudness and humiliation. Also how do you know. He doesn't have depression. Are you a MH worker. I hope not as you certainly do not go beyond the joke with your sensitvity. He could be suffering from depression and not even know it himself.

lorelei9 · 07/02/2016 20:27

Ah, I asked re age because I wondered if he had zero experience of job interviews.

It's either be kind and tactful and say something, or tell your friend he can't come out with you any more, the former seems fairer or he will end up like that woman in the office on the other thread.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 07/02/2016 21:40

My ex had a friend like this. He absolutely stank and eventually ex and another friend of theirs had to talk to him about it. Sadly, he died a couple of years back. He was a nice bloke when he wasnt drinking and really hoped he managed to change his life, sadly he didnt have the time.

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