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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say something about this smelly friend?

74 replies

OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 16:17

My best friend's brother stinks. He's a proper scruffy git and I'm not sure he knows what soap and water is. (Example- his hands are always filthy.) He smells like dirty clothes. He's always dressed in old ratty clothes (he came out shopping with us the other day and wore a jumper with a huge stain on the front and a hole in the arm. A group of ladies went past and made a comment about his appearance!)

Friend has asked me to take her to look at a new car tomorrow. Brother wants to come along and quite frankly, the thought of him being there is making me not want to go. (He's also an abrasive twat who thinks the world's against him!) I could smell him in my car after he'd gotten out the other day.

I've known them for many years and there's no reason for him to be like this. I think it comes down to just not giving a crap. WIBU to say something to him?

OP posts:

cosytoaster · 07/02/2016 16:50

I think I'd be straight with your friend about why you don't want him to come along and try and support her to say something, someone should if it's holding him back...I find it quite hard to understand how she wouldn't say anything to him

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 07/02/2016 16:50

I actually think you would be a good friend to say something .

But... Really not as bluntly as you have suggested. Does his sister acknowledge it? Perhaps discuss with her a way of going about it.

My question though would be has he always been like this? If not then you need to consider why he is now and what might have brought it on.

crookedhooker · 07/02/2016 16:51

How do you know he's not depressed? My DH has depression but also an 'outside' persona.

Original poster

OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 16:53

Believe me, he has no mental health problems. No depression.

What am I supposed to do tomorrow when we show up at the car showroom with him, smelling? It was bead enough the other day that strangers commented on it.

Please, please don't think that I'm a horrible person or ill natured. I'm not. I just can't face going out with him tomorrow and hearing people make nasty comments. The way he smelled in the car the other day was making me feel ill. I don't want to upset or embarrass him but I do think he needs a quiet word about his hygiene. It was only the other week there was a thread about a smelly co-worker on here and everyone was saying she should be told- surely this is the same thing?!

OP posts:

Adeleslostbeehive · 07/02/2016 16:55

But you don't need to go out with him. He's not even your friend

carabos · 07/02/2016 16:55

Has it occurred to you that despite what he says about wanting to get a job, he may be self-sabotaging, either through depression, lack of self-confidence etc? I think you need to be careful how you approach this issue. It may be that he's just a dirty git, but it may be more complicated than that.

Adeleslostbeehive · 07/02/2016 16:56

Anyway the way you described wanting to speak to him was hardly a quiet word.

doublechocchip · 07/02/2016 16:56

I'd say something to his sister if she's all for you saying something then go ahead but potentially if it all goes wrong and he becomes defensive/stops talking to you she's probably going to side with her brother which would be sad for you.

I'm with you in that I'd find it very frustrating that he moans about something that is so easily fixable it all just depends on what kind of person he is, whether he'd thank you and take it on board or if it would cause a fall out that would affect all 3 of you.

Original poster

OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 16:57

There's no point in saying anything to his sister- she's a very quiet type, where as he's very blunt and outspoken. She won't say anything to him. I've tried to go through her but she's not willing to say anything to him.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 16:59

I don't see how you're qualified to make a definite negative diagnosis of mental health problems.

Original poster

OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 16:59

But you don't need to go out with him. He's not even your friend

He'll insist on coming tomorrow. I know he will.

OP posts:

Andylion · 07/02/2016 16:59

It was only the other week there was a thread about a smelly co-worker on here and everyone was saying she should be told- surely this is the same thing?!
Exactly, I bet the OP of that thread would have loved for a family friend to have spoken to her coworker.

OP. how about the next time he complains about not getting a job you suggest his appearance and hygiene have something to do with it? Could you tell his sister the reason you don't want him to come along?

Roussette · 07/02/2016 17:00

YANBU. I have a best friend. She has a brother. If he was like this I'd be saying to BF "what the heck is up with yr bruv, he's looking like a tramp, can't you tell him? Surely that's why he's not getting the jobs. If you want any help let me know"

But I have known my BF forever and we are blunt with each other.

ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 17:00

Well if she won't say anything after you've broached the subject it's time to mind your own business.

willowsummers · 07/02/2016 17:08

Oh, for goodness sakes - do you all really think someone saying 'you stink' will change anything?

This is not a case of someone basically adhering to the norms of society but maybe not noticing their deodorant stopped being effective in a hot office.

Original poster

OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 17:14

Yes, it just might. His standards have slipped since he left his last job. He's always going on about how much he wants to start working again but he's never going to get a job looking like he is.

His GP doesn't think he's depressed- I asked his sister about that!

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 17:15

His sister goes to his GP appointments?

pictish · 07/02/2016 17:17

My brother has MH issues and takes medication that makes it hard for him to organise himself or care about himself enough to wash regularly. There have been times he has made me gag, he smells so pungent.

Truth is, I'm pretty firm about it. I can't handle the stench (and I really cannot) so I'm quite clear that if we are doing anything together or if he is to be getting in my car, his body, hair and clothes have to be clean first.

He respects that and makes the effort for me, which I really appreciate.

EponasWildDaughter · 07/02/2016 17:19

Tbh, i'm thinking it might help to tell him kindly but straight.

I'd rather be told bluntly by someone not particularly close to me.

specialsubject · 07/02/2016 17:20

tell the friend straight, as gently as you can. He doesn't need to be there and unfortunately you don't want him there because of these problems.

he cannot go on like this.

TitClash · 07/02/2016 17:27

I dont think you are being unreasonable, there was a smelly office colleague thread recently and everyone said you 'dont have to put up with is, say something.'

Not everything is fucking acceptable, this has nothing to do with being nice. He is not being nice.
If he was making sexist or racist comments, you'd say something.
If it was tattoos or piercings, it would be unreasonable to object.

But dirt and personal hygeine are not personal choices in the way that a tattoo is. Not all parents teach their kids, so its ok to say something constructive.
Especially if you gave him a suit and he turned up in dirty clothes.

People can learn a routine of get up, wash, clean teeth, brush hair, put on clean fresh clothes.

Stanky · 07/02/2016 17:28

I used to have a friend with a bit of B.O. I wish that I'd had the guts to tell her. She was really stunningly beautiful as a teenager, a real head turner. I noticed sometimes that she didn't shave her armpits. She would get upset and defensive when she told me about managers that had denied her promotion because she was scruffy, or her driving instructor asking her to wear more deodorant. She didn't seem to take any of it on board, and just thought that these people were saying it to be nasty. The last few times I saw her, she just looked like she could do with a good wash. I backed off from our friendship for many reasons, mostly because she would slag off my partner, and spend the whole time talking about herself. She would tell me how she was raking in money, but I would still always have to pay for everything when we went out. I would come away from spending time with her feeling terrible, and I think that one is supposed to get enjoyment and enrichment out of friendships. But I do feel sad about her not washing and being smelly, but in total denial about it. It was hard to know what to say, so I never did.

willowsummers · 07/02/2016 17:30

That was a nicely disguised bitchy post Stanky.

Stanky · 07/02/2016 17:31

Yeah. :(

Original poster

OhSmellItMay · 07/02/2016 17:34

I've been on the other side of this too. I was working in a very manual job that was quite dirty iyswim. I'd gradually let things slip because I couldn't smell myself. A lady o the bus took me to one side as we were getting off and told me I smelled. I was embarrassed, of course, but grateful too because she'd had the guts to say something.

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