Passive aggressive friend

[Icandoanything]

Was out for a few drinks with a friend last night (quite a good one who I've known since school) and noticed another friend in the bar. Whilst second friends partner had gone to buy them drink, struck with conversation with her introducing first friend. We had a chat for a bit and I tried to get first friend involved but she didn't really join in. I tapped her leg after about 5 mins and said, you ok? She replied, oh yeah, I'm having a great time here on my own whilst you two talk. I was quite shocked at her pettiness but didn't say anything.

When we got back to the house she said, I had a really good time tonight, apart from when I felt like the third wheel.

This isn't the first time she's come across to me as passive aggressive or even the first time that night. We were talking about our kids and I said saying how different they looked at 1 years old because my son had loads of thick hair so hence looked a lot older. Her response was, so what are you saying about my baby? I like his baby hair, it's cute!!! I hadn't even made a snide comment, it was just how different they looked!!!

She also is continually digging at me for not reading a book she wrote a few years ago. This has been going on for about 2 years since we got back in touch. Pretty much everytime I see her there's a sarky comment about how I have time to read other books but not hers. I would read it, but I just don't think it's the kind of genre I'd like. I have said this to her and tbh, I'm not gonna be forced to read a book at 34 years old!

I'm just getting a bit sick of it tbh. I don't have lots of close friends here due to relocating and would like to salvage our friendship, but at this point I don't know if I can be bothered. I'm pretty feisty myself so when she does these things it takes a lot to bite my tongue and not tell her to grow up and get over it. I am aware she's sensitive and very insecure about things and she's seeing a counsellor for it, but AIBU to think she shouldn't take it out on me?

Of course direct insults like that aren't acceptable but that's no reason for requesting the removal of the entire thread.

The comment with the insult has been deleted.

I think the OP wants the thread deleted because she thought everyone would agree with her.

I think your hair comment could have been taken as a "my baby had much more hair than yours", and it could have hurt a bit if she was sensitive about his hair, or even if she wasn't but the way you said it sounded like a put down.

The book thing, it's really poor form that you haven't read her book. You don't sound interested in her at all with that, or keen to celebrate her achievements.

The not speaking to your friend though and sitting huffing and refusing to engage is a bit weirs of her. Unless there is a back story, or your friend was with you for like an hour and you ignored her completely, then she was being very unreasonable and rude with that.

I think your friend is a bit sensitive. I've written a couple of books and as far as I know my parents have read them and one or two of my friends, but it wouldn't cross my mind to expect all my friends (or even my closest friends) to read them. It's lovely if someone reads them and likes them, but I don't expect everyone to be interested in what I happen to want to write about.

The bottom line here is that your friend is sensitive and you are rude. That is not a good combination for a lasting friendship. It is mainly you in the wrong though, OP. The book and bar things were mean. You don't just ignore someone in a group and if you were a good friend you would've read the book without being asked to. The hair comment is more her being sensitive than anything, although given the other things you have mentioned it does sound like you may be lacking the right tone to make something just lighthearted.

A few friends of mine have written books, and I've always read them to be supportive, even when it's not my thing.

About the hair; maybe your friend was being a bit sensitive but it does sound badly worded - telling her that her baby looked younger than yours did at that age. Both my DCs were very small, and had very little hair (or teeth) for a long time. I didn't care developmentally because I knew it didn't matter but some people are surprisingly rude about that kind of thing or at least it seemed like that when I was tired and stressed with babies.

Wrt meeting your other friend, it is difficult to say. I've been with friends when they've bumped into someone else and sometimes it's fine and sometimes it's really annoying. One old friend was a nightmare for seeing someone else she knew and just walking off with them leaving me alone. She didn't like me very much really!

Honestly, on balance, it doesn't sound like you do like her very much. I don't think she's being oversensitive really but if she's irritating you that much then maybe you should give her some space.

I think in essence you sound quite self centred and not that considerate of your friend.

In the bar, as soon as you saw another friend you went to talk to them - not just for a minute or so, but several minutes at least. Your friend obviously felt uncomfortable or not included, yet you carried on talking and didn't pay attention to how she felt.

Was she right to feel like that? Maybe not, but some people aren't as confident and she might well have felt awkward.

Regarding the baby photo - no you probably didn't mean anything bad by it, but the comment could easily have been taken as stating that your child was more developed or better than hers at the same age. Dangerous territory. I'd always avoid comparisons, unless they are in favour of the other person, or it can appear as a slight.

As for the book - it's already been said. She's obviously proud of it, yet you can't even be bothered to put yourself out to read it, or even pretend to.

She might be oversensitive, but I think she's picking up the cues from you that you don't care that much about her feelings.