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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Passive aggressive friend

57 replies

Icandoanything · 07/02/2016 11:12

Was out for a few drinks with a friend last night (quite a good one who I've known since school) and noticed another friend in the bar. Whilst second friends partner had gone to buy them drink, struck with conversation with her introducing first friend. We had a chat for a bit and I tried to get first friend involved but she didn't really join in. I tapped her leg after about 5 mins and said, you ok? She replied, oh yeah, I'm having a great time here on my own whilst you two talk. I was quite shocked at her pettiness but didn't say anything.

When we got back to the house she said, I had a really good time tonight, apart from when I felt like the third wheel.

This isn't the first time she's come across to me as passive aggressive or even the first time that night. We were talking about our kids and I said saying how different they looked at 1 years old because my son had loads of thick hair so hence looked a lot older. Her response was, so what are you saying about my baby? I like his baby hair, it's cute!!! I hadn't even made a snide comment, it was just how different they looked!!!

She also is continually digging at me for not reading a book she wrote a few years ago. This has been going on for about 2 years since we got back in touch. Pretty much everytime I see her there's a sarky comment about how I have time to read other books but not hers. I would read it, but I just don't think it's the kind of genre I'd like. I have said this to her and tbh, I'm not gonna be forced to read a book at 34 years old!

I'm just getting a bit sick of it tbh. I don't have lots of close friends here due to relocating and would like to salvage our friendship, but at this point I don't know if I can be bothered. I'm pretty feisty myself so when she does these things it takes a lot to bite my tongue and not tell her to grow up and get over it. I am aware she's sensitive and very insecure about things and she's seeing a counsellor for it, but AIBU to think she shouldn't take it out on me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Icandoanything · 07/02/2016 12:11

Ok!I get that most of you think I've not read the book and thus I'm a pretty shite friend!

If it was me, and a friend had chosen NOT to read my book after me mentioning it a few times, I wouldn't bring it up again. But I'm not her so maybe I would need to read it to show I'm being supportive. I have done other stuff like put her in contact for people who have promoted it on their blogs so that's how I felt I have been supportive. But as I said, obviously supportive to her is actually reading the book.

Her book is similar to Patricia Cornwell, murder mystery stuff.

OP posts:
firesidechat · 07/02/2016 12:13

I might like that book.

Tell us what it is and we will read it.

PuppyMonkey · 07/02/2016 12:14

I've been the person who goes out with a friend to pub and they see someone else and start chatting - it's hard to "get involved" sometimes, I can be shy with a new person. And are you sure it was just five mins - or more like ten? Awkward for her.

I'd have to read the book - how can you not be at least a bit curious as to how shit good it is? Wink

Cakeycakecake · 07/02/2016 12:14

It's the book. That's what her issue is and I can see why. So yabu to not have even had a skim.
Have a read of it, give her a call when you have and say to her 'I've just read this fantastic book I thought you should know about, it's really fab, great storyline and really makes you think (etc, gush about it) then say to her Oh, it's called %*%, you might have heard of it. Written by a really good friend of mine. Really should have picked it up sooner....'

If you want to remain friends, this WILL restore things. If not, and you're happy to let it slide, then don't. I'd read it personally. Even if you don't like it say good things.

LookAtAllThesePhucksIGive · 07/02/2016 12:14

Oh god. I think you meet an unfortunate end in the book. :o

Original poster
Icandoanything · 07/02/2016 12:15

You can't buy it, she only published a small quantity. She wrote it a few years back when we weren't in contact.

OP posts:
firesidechat · 07/02/2016 12:16

She will certainly meet an unfortunate end in the sequel.

firesidechat · 07/02/2016 12:18

But she gave you a copy? She must value your opinion then and you have let her down. I hate reading books I don't like, but I would happily skim read a friend's book, if only to keep her happy.

Oysterbabe · 07/02/2016 12:20

If a good friend of mine wrote a book I'd certainly read it straightaway irrespective of genre. For that yabvu.
I have written a book and my friends pester me to read it all the time. It's not quite ready for that yet.

Original poster
Icandoanything · 07/02/2016 12:21

No, she didn't give me a copy. She has a copy from a print run where she didn't like the font and she gave it to me when the people I knew agreed to review it on their blogs.

Unfortunately LookAtAllThesePhucksIGive I'm pretty certain I'm not in it, but firesidechat may be right if this thread is anything to go by!

OP posts:
SauvignonBlanche · 07/02/2016 12:24

I agree with PPs that she doesn't sound passive aggressive at all, she was quite direct with you.

Not reading her book is piss poor, it wouldn't kill you.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 07/02/2016 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 07/02/2016 12:28

Have you been supportive to her in the past? In what way?
For the hair comment it really does depend how you said it, your tone etc...
She feels unsupported/unloved in a way, why don't you have a chat about it after reading the book of course!

firesidechat · 07/02/2016 12:28

It's a bit off to be pushing other people to read and review it and not do the same yourself.

CalleighDoodle · 07/02/2016 12:33

You really dont sound like youve taken the point about the book because you still dont sound like youre going to actually read it! And if you did right now i imagine youd say, 'yeah it was ok but not my thing.'

Unhappyexpat · 07/02/2016 13:20

It takes about two hours to read through a Patricia cornwell.

Unless it's extremely disturbing or it's a thirty volume epic on the bowel habits of the Guatemalan dung beetle, I think you should read it

AnnieNoMouse · 07/02/2016 13:26

I don't think yabu not reading her (vanity self-published) book. If I was ever in her position I wouldn't dream of expecting people to read my work, anymore than if I was in a film I'd expect friends to watch the DVD. Or, which might be a closer analogy, expect my friends to turn if for some am dram thing I was in.

But I do wonder if you're unreasonable when it comes to talking about your children. As yours is older do you do that "been there, seen it, done it" thing every time she says something about hers?

SuperFlyHigh · 07/02/2016 13:27

To her her creative writing is obviously her thing...

If you don't want to read the book then fine but you could engage in her with other stuff (murder mystery walk I dunno?!) - at least this then gives you a thread of things in common whereas she thinks you're not interested in her ergo why should she bother? Not surprised she thinks that way.

If you really want to be her friend but eg more an "out" pub friend then do on that basis. You don't have to be her friend if it's really paining you to do so and most people me included would see through that sort of friend.

Original poster
Icandoanything · 07/02/2016 13:35

Thanks to everyone who have their opinion on all 3 of the situations I asked for advice on,much appreciated that you looked at the bigger picture.

I didn't realise that asking people their opinions on a situation meant they felt it was alright to call someone they never met a pretty horrible name So I will be asking to have this thread removed.

Thanks again for the mostly helpful advice/non abusive opinions I've received.

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 07/02/2016 13:39

OP with respect no ones been rude to you here really. Maybe a bit OTT but that's that.

And surely if you know MN by now you know what AIBU is like?! There are 30 Days Only sections or Chat if you want nonjudgmental chats.

With me I had a friend through work a clubbing friend really and we had not much in common than we liked clubbing and cats. Seriously nothing else really. But we based it on that and were friendly and supportive.

ilovesooty · 07/02/2016 13:40

I don't think MNHQ will remove an entire thread because you don't like the responses. Obviously you're well within your rights to report name calling and abuse.

Arfarfanarf · 07/02/2016 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillSykesDog · 07/02/2016 13:46

Is this a reverse? The book thing is not nice. And yes, a friend who ignores you and just talks to someone else then passes a snotty remark comparing their child favourably to yours is not a good friend. If anything was PA it was your remark about the hair. Apologise and try to be more considerate in the future. I have to say, your attitude that she is not really good enough but you tolerate her because she is all that's available is not nice either, and she's probably picked up on that.

srslylikeomg · 07/02/2016 13:49

Someone called her a cunt up thread! That's pretty off. Read the book, don't go for drinks again she sounds hard work in that area. But you should read the blimmin book. It might be good! or not

daisychain01 · 07/02/2016 14:06

I can see how your friend may have felt 'put out' by you involving a third person. I'd have said hi to your Friend2 but made it very clear you and Friend1 were there together and said Great to see you, see you soon. Friend1 should have been the focus of your attention.

Re. Your friends baby hair, I would not have made comparisons, that can never end well!

Re your friend's book, benefit of hindsight, I would have made an effort to read, said to her "great book, what an achievement" so she would have felt supported. Unless she's Patricia Cornwell or Danielle Steel, she's hardly going to rattle out a book a year, so you wouldn't have to do it again ...

Some of the comments upthread are OTT eg You sound like a bit of a c?!t tbh thats unacceptable!