to ask if you are suffering from depression, how it affects your life?

[rodriguez66]

I know some people are sort of high functioning depressives, able to hold down a job, appear happy, have a functioning social life etc whilst others are physically incapable of even getting out of bed in the morning. I have been the latter lately. How does it affect you? What are your internal thoughts when you are depressed?

I've probably had depression for about 15 years or more, always high functioning, occasional bouts of anxiety attacks but appearing normal (or so I thought) on the outside, to everyone else. My mum has always seen it, and DH has always been there to carry me when I've broken down (which I've always done to him). Then back to being "ok" again. My GP has asked me on several occasions in the last 10 years of I'm depressed and I've always denied it, mainly because I really didn't believe that I was. I was fine.

Then, a few days after Christmas I broke. Completely fell apart, and have gone from lots of commitments, full time job, children, to barely leaving the house. I spoke to my GP just before Xmas and I didn't want medication, but just after Xmas my GP prescribed sertraline, and doubled my dose almost 2 weeks ago. The stigma that I felt on taking these tablets was awful. But I need them. The only place I can manage to drive is to the school to get the DCs when DH can't. Today I managed to eat breakfast downstairs, but it was too much and I'm back in bed. I just can't cope with today. And I'm ok with that. I'm making progress, and tomorrow is a brand new day.

DH has been amazing. DCs have been so patient with me too. And my cat is a constant source of comfort because he's right by my side the whole time.

Half of the problem is admitting to yourself that there is a problem. And now that I have, I look back on the last 15 years and wonder how the fuck I managed to function, especially the last 6 years or so.

I have bi-polar 2. How do I live with depression? I'm not sure I remember how to not live with it. I've had it since childhood. Most people are completely unaware there is an issue and I am very good at maintaining the facade of normality. I am high functioning and I have never allowed myself the option of staying in bed. If I Did I Wouldn't Leave. I've recently had a heart problem that has required rest and the inactivity has been awful. I've been cruising mums net to maintain sanity!

I have learnt to not sweat the small stuff and recognise when I am viewing things through the prism of the illness. The thing I find most difficult are the sudden and intense flashes of rage that have me hurling abuse and things at my family. This is a new thing and I really don't like it.

Extreme anxiety, worry over the most irrational issues. Lack of motivation/laziness, comfort eating, tiredness, head/neck/muscle aches

I had high-functioning depression, whatever that means. To the outside world I was career woman, social person and active mum.

In the background though I was comfort eating, had zero-self esteem, gained a ton of weight which made everything worse, zero motivation or energy and had shoulder problems due to stress. Never took a day off work as sick leave though, I was too scared I would never have the strength to go back.

I had CBT which I mainly thought was crap, but in the end it did help a bit. In my occasional dark moments even now, my CBT tells me "yes I may be fat but I am going to go out and enjoy myself regardless."

Seven months of ADs and a course of CBT got me where I needed to be (mostly the meds though). Been healthy for about 8 months and slowly losing weight.

As well as insomnia and felt permanently numb.

I have had two episodes of depression. The first arose out of chronic anxiety that wore me down. I did not understand I was depressed until I started having panic attacks, saw Occ Health doctor and she told me I was depressed. Looking back , it was obvious, but i think the spiralling thoughts of self-blame mean you don't realise it's something more than being a 'crap person'.

So for me, symptoms were: anxiety, apathy - went to work but then could not do things like the washing up, zero libido, insomnia (especially difficulty getting to sleep) lack of appetite, suicidal thoughts, not wanting to socialise and believing that no-one would want to socialise with me, feeling of loss of hope. I started off emotional and then became 'flat' and unemotional.

My internal thoughts were; you can't cope, no-one really likes you, you are pathetic.

I resigned from my job, did not work for 6 months, got fit and have been recovering ever since. I would never ever now put myself in the position of being overwhelmed by job responsibility and my job reflects this.

Had other milder episodes after both DCs and I think I will always be prone to it. My DH is incredibly supportive of me

I have...I'm not sure if it's known by the same name there (am in US) complex PTSD due to childhood abuse as well as major depressive disorder and dissociative identity disorder (no, not like Sybil or the Three Faces of Eve, haha). As far as how it affects my life...it is very hard for me to do things that require initiative, for starters. Almost every day, I can manage getting out of bed. If it's something I absolutely must do, i.e. doctor/therapy appointment or pick up my son from school I can do it but I have to start "getting ready to get ready" quite some time ahead. Until very recently, when my new combination of tablets reached therapeutic levels in my bloodstream and I'd had enough time working with my therapist to develop coping skills, I was absolutely not able to go to the grocery store either alone or with DH, the housework was suffering DIRELY and I am afraid that if I had actually been able to go anywhere I would have been the 'stinky friend' as felt that nobody cared about me or how I looked, so why bother to try to put lipstick on a pig? Right now I can go to the store on my own for short trips, am back to being able to do most of the housework (except for large/involved chores which overwhelm me right back onto the couch) and unless I'm having a 'bad day' I do get around to a shower at least every other day. Where I am now, though, is (or so my therapist says) a 'holding spot' - the tablets have gotten me as far as they are going to bring me. The rest I will need to work on in therapy so improvements, though they happen, will be slower and more piecemeal. I'm lucky to have a DH who is an absolute rock and DD16 and DS14 are happy to help me with the larger and more involved chores so they get done.

I really think that people who have never had actual major depression (as opposed to "feeling blue" for a while tend to overestimate the amount of pulling oneself up by one's bootstraps that is possible for someone in a major depressive episode. I'm in an online therapy group as well and there are a few poor souls in there who have been at one time or another unable to even make themselves get up from the bed to toilet.

I go to bed at 6pm
My teeth are rotten
My personal hygiene is basic- wash with flannels
I frequently think of suicide
I frequently cry for no reason
I smile and pretend everything is ok

20yrs of it; good times but mainly low times; medicated to the hilt; psychotherapist you name it. Lots of people don't believe my illness is real or I should snap out of it

I function in work full time and got a masters but the price I pay is needing lots of rest- I am the person in bed when it is still light outside

I survive but I don't live

Iv had it on both ends of the spectrum and everywhere in between. Iv been hospitalised and suicidal several times. Had a psychotic depression once which was terrifying.

Currently though - I just don't want to go outside. I have to. I have to look after DS so I do unless family helps me out. But I dread being spoken to by other mums in the playground, my heart sinks every time he has a play date as I don't want to reciprocate and don't want anyone in my home, it's either a mess or spotless as iv cleaned excessively and I don't want anyone to mess it up, or bring germs in. I don't want to talk to anyone IRL. I'm isolating myself and in a really uncomfortable place as DS is forcing me into social situations I lie awake sobbing over or dreading trying to think up a decent excuse without giving away that I'm petrified of something as basic as hosting another pre-k'er. So I'm in selfish/withdrawing/anxious/snappy mode at the moment and iv probably ended my marriage as he cant cope caring for me. I don't think I could yet hold down a job other than perhaps something virtual from home. But I'm grateful I'm considered functioning enough to have DS.

Ophelia...I appreciate you said it's just your belief however bipolar disorder (resulting in recurring depressive episodes) are proven to have a genetic link.

I agree that some depression is caused by childhood trauma but certainly not all.

The stigma that I felt on taking these tablets was awful.

I find that very upsetting. Why should there be a stigma? Why should people suffer unnecessarily? I had 3 major depressive episodes and am now on anti-depressents permanently: have been for 17 years. Not only did they save my sanity they have let me cope with divorce and other family problems, while living reasonably happily day-to-day. They also relieved my social anxiety so that I was able to make and keep good friends for the first time in many years. I still marvel sometimes walking away from a carefree chat with a shop assistant: was that really me laughing and chatting so happily? I wish I'd started on them much earlier.

Suffered with depression since my first Dc 17 years ago. I'm a single parent so have to function. But if I didn't have dc I wouldn't be here. The thought of their pain stops me killing myself.

I would say I have a depressive approach to life, strong family precedent on both sides, it started at 15 and I am on ADs & take beta blockers, but at the moment I feel really great and it's been that way since about May 2015 - totally unexpected and I can't quite believe it's lifted, but it has. Not to say I don't still have anxiety or bad days, I still sleep a lot probably due to the ADs, and I'm a bit oversensitive to things I read about, but I have regular moments of conscious happiness over little things which in turn make me happy. I hadn't experienced that since childhood. I'm engaged, not numb. I would say that the oversensitivity is perhaps just normal me - I can feel again. I don't think crying over bad things that have happened in history is unhealthy anyway.
However I'm not planning on coming off my meds any time soon, they work so well for me and I'd be so scared of going back to what I was.

OP sorry you're feeling so bad. Haven't RTFT, sorry, but I hope you'll manage to get some help.

to everyone!

It's so fucking hard isn't it. It's the most godawful thing.

It is a real pity about the stigma.

On both sides my family is pretty conservative & believe in not making a fuss about your personal problems, but there is an exception - depression - because we get it. Either we have it, we've had it in the past, or it's our sister/cousin/dad etc who suffers. I think my parents did well in always talking very sensitively about the subject, being very honest & I think as a result have never felt ashamed of it in myself & was able to ask for ADs. And my extended family have always been very open about it (while remaining child-appropriate obvs). I want to be the same if I have children - truthful, frank and sensitive. It's enough that you have this horrible black dog, you don't need feelings of shame on top of that.

I'm just frozen. There are things I'd like to do: finish my degree, sort out the house, get a job or increase my freelance hours back to what they were before I became ill. But I can't do any of them. It's like I'm looking at real life from behind a thick glass wall. I want to act and yet something - don't even know what is stopping me. Really, like the neural pathway is damaged between intention and action. I am so bored and tired of just MNetting all day and yet can't galvanise myself to do anything else, except the very bare minimum. I'm trying to glad I am getting up, showered and dressed every day, and out for a walk 3-4 days a week, but in reality I find it hard to be proud of such non-achievements.

I so want to come out of this. Just holding on until ADs kick in. On Fluoxetine and it seems very bloody slow in starting.

I can't get out of bed for work. I Despise my job but we need the money. They are pissed off with my sick record and see me as useless and lazy and are looking for the first excuse to (legally) sack me.

I function, day to day, but I can't plan anything and I avoid social situations. Bare minimum gets done at home and at work. All I want to do is to lie in bed and pretend that the world isn't happening around me. I am so fucking tired. I can't concentrate on anything for long.

I recently had my AD's upped to the max dose recommended, I am waiting for the increased dose to kick in. I've been well, on a lower dose, for a while now but my life has spiralled out of control and I can't cope with all the demands on me. I'm working on that too.

I feel for those who have to work. I had to quit and luckily we manage but it's the physical impact it has on you that people don't seem to understand. It's so tiring I wonder why that is?

I think I have pnd, had baby 3 weeks ago and don't feel myself at all.
One minute I feel on top of the world and next I'm crying and screaming.
I get stressed over everything, my ocd (which was bearable before) is the worst it's ever been.
I'm comfort eating, not sleeping and I just feel numb.
Had a panic attack last week.
My baby is 3 weeks old and at first I thought it was baby blues (I do have other children and have never felt as bad as this)
My hv is being very good and keeping a close eye on me, just waiting on an appointment for gp.
I had a comment the other day from a hcp saying I must be fine as I can manage to put make up on ( she didn't know anything) if only she knew how looks can be deciveing, and I'm trying so hard to hold it all together.
I feel like I'm letting my children down, I want everything to be perfect and that's the problem.

I suffered from late teens and throughout my 20ies. I felt desperately lonely, couldn't rest or relax, drank too much and never turned down a man's advances as I was too desperate to be wanted and afraid to say no. I was only happy when at a party, or at work. But even there i felt empty, on edge, on autopilot. Early 30ies saw kids, I struggled with irrationality and short temperature with catastrophic thoughts etc. Eventually went to docs and was put on ADs. I feel better now. Calmer, with the ability to be happy instead of numb all the time. I will take these for the rest of my days I have no doubt, i have come to terms with it as a chemical imbalance and just part of who I am. Every now and then I need to tweak my dose, but I feel stable now and not all over the place

Oh, and insomnia and poor eating.

sleepy I had that same comment (regarding makeup) from my hv. Little did she know I was trying to hide how awful I felt.
I know your hv keeping an eye but what about seeing your gp?

I had bad pnd followed by moderate anxiety/depression.It took me YEARS to see anyone. Now, on medication, I feel okish but could be better. I'm not crying all the time anymore though. When I get a bout of anxiety I feel sick and stressed, and hyped up.

Tbh I'd describe my emotions as sometimes calm sometimes worryingly haywire.

It may seem like you're obvious, sometimes it is, but often nobody can see this unless you tellthem

for everyone

Wheretheresawill1
Everyone

My experience has been that my depression is hugely exacerbated by not having anything to get out of bed for. I am job hunting at the moment and I can literally feel myself being sucked downwards. Every day getting out of bed is harder.
In the past I have been pretty much bedridden, unable to eat, not washing, trying to sleep as much as possible so as not to have to experience the pain of consciousness. I am scared that I am going to end up like that again.

From a financial standpoint we really need me to be earning a wage in the next month or so or we will struggle to pay the rent. But it is really fucking hard to galvanise myself to put myself 'out there'. Had an unsuccessful interview a couple of weeks ago and it has trashed what little confidence I had.

Solidarity to everyone else xxxxx