to ask if you are suffering from depression, how it affects your life?

[rodriguez66]

I know some people are sort of high functioning depressives, able to hold down a job, appear happy, have a functioning social life etc whilst others are physically incapable of even getting out of bed in the morning. I have been the latter lately. How does it affect you? What are your internal thoughts when you are depressed?

I have severe depression and am definitely not functioning. I struggle to get out of bed and it's an achievement if I shower and get dressed, let alone get out of the house. I regularly have suicidal thoughts and I have had serious attempts. I am on a few different medications, including some that can only be prescribed by psychiatrists (not just GPs).

I cannot work with my condition, I haven't had a job for 20 years. I don't 'let it control my life', any more than a person with any other physical illness is letting it control their lives when they have to give up work due to sickness. But it is severe enough that I am barely able to cope with the every day demands of living, let alone work as well. But thankfully the benefits system does recognise that, I am in the support group of ESA and on enhanced rate PIP which goes some way to demonstrate how severely it affects me.

When I was a single mum I really struggled with it and I have to admit the dc suffered, I couldn't manage to get them clean and fed or take them to school. My council sent me threatening letters and referred me to social services because I couldn't manage housework and everything was literally piling up around me.

I'm just about to go to bed so I'm not able to write a summary post at the mo but people tell me that the blog post I wrote is pretty descriptive.

I'm not trying to get traffic to my blog by the way...I only wrote a few posts and that was a couple of years ago but hopefully it answers your question...

bipolarinpursuitofhappiness.wordpress.com/2014/11/04/what-does-it-feel-like-to-be-bipolar-part-one-depression/

I'm sure I have depression but have never been diagnosed, mainly because I can't pluck up the courage to see my GP.

I do go through phases where I feel 'okay' and even happy but the depression always comes back and it's horrible. I struggle with every day tasks, I make sure the dc's are taken care of, clothed, washed and fed no matter what but I find playing with them and keeping up with the attention they demand off me extremely challenging. I do the very bare minimum of housework - mostly. But then I get 'stuck' on the sofa, I know what needs doing, what I should be doing as a sahm but I can't seem to make myself get up and do it.

This in turn makes me feel guilty and useless, dp goes out to work so I can stay home with the kids but

NanaNina - I think it would get lost in mental health and I wanted to hear a wider range of responses. Mods, I'd rather it stays here.

Posted too soon..

But I'm so rubbish at it and even though he is very understanding I do worry that he thinks I'm taking the piss when the reality is that it's a struggle. Life is a struggle.

When I'm really low I take things very personally, I'm like an open wound in the sense that any slight knock, anything that goes wrong, even something as small as the dc knocking a drink over hurts and makes me despair.

I find I feel better if I force myself to get up and do something, especially if it involves tidying or cleaning but actually getting up is the hardest part. It's like I'm being weighed down sometimes. On the outside it probably just looks like I'm lazy.

There's also the comfort eating which ice been doing a lot of lately. I'm not hungry but I want to eat my feelings because it makes me feel better. Except it doesn't, it makes me hate myself.

I rarely leave the house. I don't try to make friends. I take everything to heart as it's obviously my fault for being so fucking worthless. I spend a lot of time thinking how much better off my husband and kids would be without me. I see no happy ending. I haven't got out of bed since Thursday as there's nothing to get up for. I've been down the AD route and that was so bad I've no intention of doing it again.

I have reactive Depression and Ptsd due to an awful life changing event in my life, it wasn't caused by a chemical imbalance. I have no one I don't go out I can't be bothered with the crap that is life. I don't feel suicidal but I too think about going to sleep and not waking up again.
I have had an appt come for my breast screening and I don't want to get it done. I couldn't give a toss if I had cancer I'd rather someone who is worried about it,have the appt. But then now I gotta try and sort it out when I just want to sleep under the duvet. I can sleep 15 hrs per day. I have no interest in life,and my house! It's a dump yet my previous houses were show homes so don't judge me it's not laziness it's something much deeper and alien to me.
If you were hobbling around on crutches and huge head bandage you'd get sympathy and lots of help and support.
I just wanna feel like me again
to everyone

Omg sorry for essay

I'm somewhere in between but nearer to functioning I think. I'm a SAHM so no work to be off sick from. A lot of the time I worry about daft things, think I've let my dc down and I cry a lot. I'm on 150mg sertraline.

Like so many others, I live on both sides of the depression fence.

I also have 3 kids with special needs (2 of my own and our niece who moved in with us after a life of foster care and SD involvement). Because of them, I have spent my life trying to make it look like I have it all together. So much so, that I can't be honest with my GP about how poorly I really am doing (while I don't have a plan, and I wouldn't carry through, I have been suicidal for some months now).

Can any of you share any hints/tips on how I can lower the mask so that I can get the support I need?

Mine is situational. Not chronic. I only get it in a reaction to bad circumstances but it lasts for months. I am ok at work, etc.

Since I got made redundant, I havent been out of bed for two week.s

I am a functional depressed person if thats a phrase?! Diagnosed a year ago, been on meds. Doing ok, felt good. Although occasionally, like the end of last week I just crash. Mentally hit a wall, tearful, feel very cold, low self worth, massive guilt 're dc as I'm snappy. Can't focus or concentrate. I tend to go on auto pilot as I have to be strong/carry on. Just want to go to bed and stay there. I'm through it, but I'm always aware it's there.

And I agree with an earlier poster who said something along the lines like every slight is taken to heart. Dh can say no to my offer to a cup of tea and I'll instantly think he doesn't love me, doesn't want me, well who would....it's just awful.

For me depression has been a constant companion. I think I have always been depressed. I can never remember a time when I have been happy, I have literally had fleeting moments of happiness and then some contentment at times. Mostly I am in a state of permanent misery and anxiety. Waking up is the absolute worst time for me and I dread it. The thoughts in my head are so extreme, a combination of fear, disgust, dread, horror, sadness, anxiety along with my body just feeling extremely sore, weak and tired and my heart beating with anxiety whilst I curl up in my duvet hiding from the world but I can never escape my own thoughts. Most days I wish I could just disappear and I get angry that I was brought into the world.

@rodriguez66

NanaNina - I think it would get lost in mental health and I wanted to hear a wider range of responses. Mods, I'd rather it stays here.

Noted

I have deeply held beleif that depression is caused by certain events that happened during childhood or adolescence or a combination of both, and that traumatic memories are repressed in children.

No one is "naturally" depressed. Psychoanalysis can bring these memories to the surface, and is more effective than drugs.

We need to look after each other and our children first and foremost and protect them.

0phelia my severe depression and anxiety had nothing whatsoever to do with my childhood or any trauma.
Mine is driven by hormonal fluctuations. Female hormones govern the female brain. There is nothing wrong with my hormone levels, they fall within that (wide) range of 'normal'.
But I wanted to die when my baby was 8 weeks old. And then she in every 3 or so weeks before my period arrived. My brain does not like fluctuating hormones.

The riskiest times in a woman's life for mental health problems are puberty, pregnancy, postnatally and peri/menopause. I have no doubt whatsoever that some psychs would declare me bipolar. I know I'm not, I've done the research. I found a cure, supplementary oestrogen.
I've had female family members diagnosed with manic depression back in the 80s when there wasn't the same level of research into hormonally driven anxiety and depression. They all subsequently 'recovered' once menopause was complete.

I have had both at some points. Most of the time I have high functioning. But some days I just can't get out of bed and spend days crying.
It's just the way my thought processes are.
Naturally always think of bad things that might happen. Think everyone hates me and I'm not going to get anywhere in life.
I tend to get very depressed around my birthday and Christmas each year.
I don't take antidepressants. I do believe they are useful and can be helpful to other people, but I don't like the side effects personally.

Well everyone's different, but I can't help believing that repressed memories and traumatic experiences are the cause of most depression. Rather than being down to "female hormones". Men also suffer depression and commit suicide in far greater numbers.

Getyercoat It's v good that you researched and found a cure and you have found it to be effective for you. That's fantastic.

Oh I know men suffer too. Women actually suffer in larger propertions, however.
I'm also 100% convinced a large proportion of women are suffering from what's dismissed as "female hormones" which for the unlucky sort few can lead to severe anxiety and suicudal ideation.
I had no external reason, trauma or memories to trigger severe depression. Nothing at all. I'm not alone in that.

Yes, ok there are probably numerous causes for depression.

I would have believed the cause of depression and eating disorder were down to genetics or hormonal imbalance too, untill I had the (misfortune?) experience of repressed memories of CSA come to the surface in my mid 20's. It explained everything and turned my life around, so perhaps my understanding is biased.

It's such a hugely personal thing, no cause should be discounted. All causes should be explored.

The mental health profession will usually combine medication with talking therapy to draw out variables.

I have bipolar 2. Depression is 98% of the problem. (Originally diagnosed as PND after DS, 6 years ago. I believe the bipolar was triggered by the antidepressants I was prescribed.)

The lows are episodic for me. When I'm well (& the meds are right), I function at a high level at home (2 DCs) and at work. DH is a SAHP and I make a good wage. Life is good for us.

When I'm depressed, I initially experience utter exhaustion. Just eating is hard work & I quickly lose weight. I can't concentrate on anything.

As I drop lower, I experience racing, suicidal thoughts; intense, agitated and unbearable energy flowing through me. It's a terrible mix of suicidal depression and intense energy. (I think this is the bipolar side of depression.) There are points where I literally cannot sit down. I can spend hours pacing around the house--desparately exhausted, but my whole body buzzs with so much energy I feel like I'm going to be torn apart bby it.

As I get worse, I believe I'm rotting (I can smell it). I have believed people are implanting thoughs in my mind (telling me to kill myself). I have heard voices. I believe I'm evil. At some points, I can't recognise myself in the mirror. By this point, I'm in hospital. It is so very destructive and takes me ages to recover from this point. Unfortunately, I don't seem to have mild depressions any more. I've had 5 of these episodes in the last 18 months. Were it not for DH and CPN knowing when to act, I believe I wouldn't be here now. It's terrifying because even when I'm well, I'm aware that 'it' can sneak up on me at any point and snatch it all away. I'm either really 'well' or really' unwell.'

Ophelia, yes, some forms of depression are the product of trauma, but please dont throw blanket assertions across the vast spectrum of mental illness on the basis of your personal experience.

I had never suffered any form of mental illness through my childhood and 20s. I had a loving, stable and comfortable childhood. I had worked hard, got through a degree, masters, and PhD. I had made it to my dream job--something I'd wanted since a child. I had a loving husband. In 2007, I had DD. She was a difficult baby and didn't sleep well for the first 2 years, but I made it through with my sanity intact & was enjoying our little family. I had DS in 2011. He slept well, I had much more support. I was relaxed and happy. Everything was great until 6 weeks postpartum. Bang. I went from being happy to being admitted to a mother and baby unit within the space of 2 weeks. (The rest of the story is above.) There was no trauma there. No childhood trauma.

I had a really horrible six months last year. All brought on by stress at work. Despite that, I managed to continue working (my boss knows and is incredibly supportive, more so than dh half the time tbh). Although I was working, I just couldn't go anywhere else. Socialising was completely out of the question. I couldn't eat, sleep and besides going to work was barely functioning.

Mercifully I seem to have got the balance of medication better and have had six sessions of NHS counselling.

I'm much better at the moment. As a result, however, I'm not allowed to mention my depression, anxiety and any stress at home because I'm better.

I was high functioning. I was in a very stressful job, had 2 young DC, one just a baby who had a lot of stomach illness and had to be kept off nursery a lot, resulting in horrific childcare juggling. My parents were elderly and causing a lot of issues (Dad alcoholic, Mum dementia). I felt like I was being pulled apart by horses.

I got up every morning at the crack of dawn, cleaned the house to an inch of its life, slapped on the make up and the power suits. Inside I was dead. It was horrible.

I confessed to colleagues I wasn't coping and most were very sympathetic and understanding but one arsehole kept telling me I "couldn't be depressed because I wore make up". Ludicrous, it affects people in different ways.

I got ADs and therapy. I changed jobs (basically gave up my career) and have been much better since.