Should I remove DS (11) from school? (Bullying)

[ClaireD2212]

Hi, sorry if this is in the wrong place, I'm new to Mumsnet. If it is, I'll delete it and put it somewhere else :)

I just have no idea who to turn to anymore, no one is listening to me, or my poor DS. Here's the story:

DS started Secondary School, in September, he was getting on well (so I thought) but during the Christmas Break, he came to me and just broke down. He explained to me how he couldn't go back to school and he can no longer deal with it anymore... I asked him why, etc. he explained that there is a 'gang' of people - some are in his year and they age all the way up to Yr 11 and they have been picking on him. They have been calling him names (he is quite small for his age) and sometimes even physically hit him, I told him that things will be okay and I would sort it.

We went up to the school (I had an appointment with his Form Tutor, after Christmas) he said that he'll put in a 'Bullying Report' and that was it. DS went back to school and when he got home, I asked him how it went and he said that everything was much better. I thought it was fantastic how quickly the school resolved things.

However, 2 weeks later, I was borrowing my son's laptop and there was a lot of history linking to many Tumblr pages - some about anorexia/self-harm/suicide, etc. this worried me a lot and when DS came home, I spoke to him about it and he said he was just looking at all different Tumblr sites, but I wasn't happy with that and I said I would rather he now used his laptop in the living room. That was that, I thought I would see how things went. A few days later, I was sorting out some of his Christmas bits, in his draw I found a pencil sharpener blade (it was loose, not inside a sharpener) and then I got a call saying that DS hadn't turned up to school. My heart sunk and I drove up to the school and explained the things I had found (I was thinking the worst) but then I got a call from him and he was asking me to come and pick me up, so I went and got him and he broke down and told me that things weren't better at school, but he didn't want me to worry. We had an appointment with the Head and Pastoral. They were both really nice and said he could be with them at break/lunch, while they sorted through everyone involved and got him to speak to a lady from the YMCA charity. However, no child was excluded.

Self-harming became a very frequent thing (with my 11, ELEVEN year old son) and this is when he got a CAMHS referral - we are still waiting to be seen. DS went back to school and, what the KS3 Pastoral described, 'had a mental breakdown' saying that 'no one is helping him', 'no one has stopped them tearing him apart' and I was called to collect him and take him to the hospital, which I did, he was assessed by CAMHS there and then said he would be followed up in the commuinity, this was yesterday. I'm just so lost. I cannot watch my child suffer like this, but I don't know what to do - he is locked away in his bedroom and doesn't want to leave and when he does, he will just sit and hug me and that's all he is doing. Does anyone have any advise? Sorry that it's so long, but I didn't want to have to keep adding bits :(

I pulled out my bullied and unsupported son and it has done him a world of good. Good luck.

tomatodizzy
"It's the physical violence that's worrying. The emotional bullying can be just as damaging but physical violence steps over a boundary into personal space that makes the victim feel complete helplessness."

I disagree,
Constant emotional bullying can be as bad, and worse, than physical bullying and should never be overlooked as it causes long term issues.

Good luck OP, you have has some good advice on here.

But the big thing is the child seems to have felt listened to and more in control

crucial.

Life is too short and he is not learning anything there.

There is no way my child would be setting foot back in that school again EVER.

No way.

I would also be telling him that your sorry, and that he wont be going back to that school!

I would never ever trust that school again!

I like the idea to go to docs get all this in a letter....just do lovely things with him ( if you can) dont talk about future then look into HS and other places.

But - there is no way I would bother with the school any more.

Op just saw some posts about mentoring.

It wont help, its all gone too far now, he will never shed this.

take him out - pastures new.

tinfoilhat Sat 06-Feb-16 01:45:34

excellent post. totally agree with the forgetting of school for a while and never going to that place again.

If it was my child I would pull him out... My DS was bullied but it was quickly resolved once it came out... In my experience anyone who removes a child because they are been bullied never regrets it.... I would consider homeschooling to get him back to the boy you know then look at another school...

Boney you misunderstood I said emotional bullying can be just as damaging, none is more or less damaging than the other, plenty of people self harm following only emotional abuse. It's just in the OPs case we're are talking about a gang against one child, physically, that will cause a child to feel completely helpless and out of control. The school is failing the OPs son and should be taking this far more seriously than they are.

Thank you all for your advice, I'm really sorry to hear about your DC.

He has just crawled out of bed

My DS was bullied (although younger and not so severe). School didn't/couldn't really help and I really regret not pulling him out. He's fine now, various things did help (class change) and has come on loads. So arguably he didn't need to be pulled out but it would have helped his and mine mental health if I'd just done it; all of my instincts were screaming at me to pull him out. DH and I have promised ourselves that if we ever feel like that again, we'll just do it. I probably would have home schooled for a short time and then looked for another school. Possibly easier as he was quite young though.

I really hope you and your DS get it sorted soon

The school has totally failed your DS, I don't think you can trust them to support him if he goes back. This has gone far beyond peer mentoring. Staff need to get involved in keeping this gang in line and it sounds as if the school refuses to take that path. He needs to be either home schooled or to be in a different schools.

Not all schools are like this. The one my DDs are at comes down like a ton of bricks on bullying. A girl did it to my DD1 - she did not report, didn't trust the school to deal with it, but another victim of the same girl did report and then DD came forward. The bully was collected by staff, told that she was to stop at once, a letter to her parents was sent home and DD and her friend told that they could report if it ever happened again and that there would be instant consequences. There was internal exclusion too for the bully.

She has had no trouble from this girl since. Nor has anyone else.

Can anyone imagine the sheer relief of being told you dont have to go back to such a place....the sheer relief!

I am so sorry for you and your son. I would definitely not let him go back to that school. As has been suggested i would deregister him first thing monday, i would also include a strongly worded letter letting them know how badly they have let him down (and quite probably other children). Best wishes to both of you.

pull him out of school and tell the school they are failing to safeguard him and all the other pupils and you will be taking this further once you have cared for your son. leave it hanging over them.

I am worried about camhs referral because when it happened to me as a child I thought people thought I was mad and it was all my fault. however, that was a looong time ago and one hopes provision for children's mental health has improved.

lastly, and I suspect this won't be popular but rightly or wrongly I am a bit of a terrier (as described by a friend!) and as there are 15 and 16 year olds involved who have physically assaulted your son, I would involve the police. if a 15/16 year old hit an 11 year old outside of school this would happen and I see no reason not to do the same in this situation especially as the school have monumentally failed to protect your son. their parents need to know. of course, this is what I would do.

but first make your son feel safe.

I have been that child. Remove him straight away. You might want to look up Red Balloon which has learning centres for children unable to attend school due to bullying. They help rebuild confidence as well as learn and make friends.

I find a multi-aged gang in a school a really odd thing. Normally different year groups barely integrate at all. They think the younger ones are babies. They might at a push tolerate one from the year below if he is out and about at night with them, but I've never experienced a gang of kids aged from 11 to 16 all operating together. Is it a particularly tiny school?

You had thought the bullying had stopped at Christmas, is that correct? Could it be that the school also thought that?

It seems that for whatever reason his mental health issues have eclipsed whatever happened. I'm just not quite clear what has been going on really - this large gang have been pushing and hitting him at break and lunch? Is that correct?

If it were me I'd keep him off until the school had their shit together and were able to guarantee that he'd be in a safe environment when he goes back.

No school can guarantee anything. You can't guarantee human nature. You can certainly put things in place and monitor closely but not guarantee.

As ANGELIK said i would involve the police too. Not an unpopular suggestion with me. I apparently am a bit of a tiger where my kids are concerned.

Iguana - it isn't that small, no, around 900 pupils. DS says some are brothers of some/cousins/family friends, etc. I'm not too sure, it is bizarre and I think that's why the school is finding it hard to deal with, but it isn't acceptable.

The older ones was at break/lunch, yes (also during lesson change) and the ones in his year would be during lessons, etc. but then because everyone else saw it was part of the 'gang' bullying him, he lost a lot of friends and ended up being on his own.

In addition to what everyone else has said I would say you should write up all of the incidents you can remember, with dates, and report to the police. Include any verbal bullying incidents too as they may be classed as harassment.

The bullies are over the age of criminal responsibility and physical bullying is assault. If this happened to an adult in the workplace with a colleague the police would be involved, and children deserve the same support. If you can get the police on-side the school may take it more seriously and actually deal with it, although it may still be too late for your son to want to return to that school.

Please don't send him back to school. I self-harmed throughout secondary school and was told by my parents that I needed to keep going back to the same school because 'it's wrong to run away from your problems.' Unfortunately it didn't make me a stronger person but a bit of a psychological wreck, and leaving at 16 remains one of the best decisions I've ever made, despite the fact that I had high academic potential.

When I read threads like this I'm often struck by how wonderfully supportive the parent posting is of their DC. If your son knows that you're on his side and value his emotional and mental wellbeing, that is going to make a big difference, even if it's not immediately obvious at first. Deregister. Maybe home education will be the best fit for him, or maybe another school, but my general rule is that if his mental state is such that if he were an adult he'd be signed off work for health reasons? School/education is not the priority. Helping him to feel better about himself and his life is.

I wish you both all the best and I really hope things improve for him. I know it must be incredibly hard - for both of you - but you're absolutely doing the right thing by taking his needs seriously.

What are the other schools like in your area? What are his other options?

Personally, I wouldn't want to home school for any length of time for fear of making him appear "different" or "weird" should he return to school in the future. However, I would home school until a viable alternative was available. I don't think I could send him back to the original school.

I want write a long reply, but I'm ill right now so will keep it short

I've been there too, so really feel got you, DD was year 6 & we did take her out of that school, home schooled for a few months & thanks to following got a much better school offered to finish her SATs

Put everything in writing to the school - email creates a paper trail that you can use later to his advantage.

Look at schools bullying policy - how transparent is it in the schools website - schools that deal well with bullying tend to have it blazoned across the site

Do take him yo the Doctor & get him signed off school for as long as needed

EOTAS tutors are available for core subjects only, but a few hours a week & not easy to get without doctors backing - get your doctor onside! That said, it's 1-1 & as a result teaching quality is so much better, it doesn't kick in unless they are off for over 6 months here - school have to provide his education if he's too unwell to go in though, that's the law.

CAHMS takes forever, 18 months here (& S.E. Too) then you barely see them, so best not to expect too much.

Contact MIND - they have young persons advocates who can & will help - if CAHMS can contact them for you, as ours did, it might mean he's seen quickly

Keep him home, but as above with H.E info & look very closely at other schools

Good luck

Meant to add...

Keep a diary
Keep all medical records, print out of hospital visit, GP etc etc - these might come in handy to get him moved to a better school on "medical needs grounds" - you make a case for your chosen school & write to the "community paediatrician" this is how we got DD into the best local HS

My experience was similar. At the end of year 7 my DS was a nervous wreck. Problems with sleeping and wetting himself on the way home as wouldn't use the loos at school. I took him out for year and "home educated".

It was a hard year for us all but he recovered. I now have him tutored. It is bankrupting me and there are disadvantages but my DS is happy.

Not perfect as he is tricky teen and education seriously sufferring but I wish I had acted sooner instead of keep going to the head and "putting things in place"

I am not advising - simply saying that it happened to me too. Goodluck.

(Rushng out now)

I'd have him straight out and at home.

So sorry for you and your son... please do not consider sending him back,the risk is just too great....over the long term of his future an educational blip is not that important, but his mental health is paramount to that future.

If this were my son l would take as much time off with him as work allows, and encourage him to do as many hours of any physical activities he likes, take walks, have picnics, bike rides etc until he feels more mentally stable.

When somone looses the ability to control their thoughts, no pressure and enjoyable physical activities really help, along with counselling of course and any other support.

Once he is calm and more himself maybe some home Maths and English daily will help to stop the essentials falling too far behind.

I think he needs to be with his family all day for as long as needed to feel safe, before he ventures out to a school environment again.

There are many with far more practical help and advice here so good luck to you and your lovely boy.