Could you be with someone who would put his partner before his children??

[altctrldel]

Ive been with my partner a year now.

We took things very slowly and only met his children 12 weeks ago- DS16 DD13 and DD12.

He had a pretty nasty break up with his ex- who has been harassing him for the past 3 years. Parking up outside his work watching him, calling him at all hours etc. He has never wanted to go to the police before because of his children. He has them one weekend a month and one night in the week. Its difficult as his ex lives a good 90 minute drive away (he moved towns when they split)

His children, while they havent really taken a shine to me, have been pleasant enough. But his ex has now started on me.

Usually the 3 of them are brought down by DPs parents (who still live in the town as his ex). 3 weeks ago, as DPs parents were away, they had to come down by train and I had to meet them off the train as DP had to work late- so DP gave his DS my number in case they had any problems, train was late etc.

Anyway- all arrived no problems. And then the texts started- horrible, abusive texts. I showed DP the texts who confirmed it was his exs number. Called her and tried to have a reasonable discussion with her to no avail.

Now- i must be getting 20 if not more texts a day. Calls in the middle of the night and to my workplace which is pissing my boss off and causing problems for me at work.

I snapped yesterday and called her and told me if she didnt stop calling, i would be calling the police. I have been making a log of all the calls and texts and combined im getting contacted by her 30 times a day- on average. There have been times when i have woken up to 25 missed calls.

The children have been coming since but nothing has been said because I dont think they should be involved. But there is an air of hostility. Not outward hostility- but you know when theres just that atmosphere??

The children were due to stay this weekend but DH has cancelled because of her behaviour. He has threatened that if she doesnt stop he will walk away from his children.

This has me a little. While it is extreme- surely your children always come first?

Its made me question our relationship if im honest

AIBU?

You have to call the police and deal with this properly.

To all those having a go at the dad for working late....I've had to pick up the DSDs a few times because DP is a boiler engineer and once you've started a job and it over runs, you can't just down tools and walk off!

To me it sounds like he was trying ( in a very thoughtless way mind) to shock her into stopping.
I had a harassing ex, and at one point I would have sold my grandmother to get him to stop bombarding me with calls and texts!

I really like you, OP.

I have never understood the oh-so-many women who are happy to get together with a man who is happy to totally abandon his children.

I think I'm pretty much in a minority here.
I also think your DP may have said just the wrong thing whilst trying to show that he wants to support you, and show how much you mean to him.
It's definitely time to involve the police. Can you record some of the calls, save the texts maybe?

TheExMother I agree with you.
I think he just doesn't know how to handle it.
Definitely go back to the police with all the logs/texts etc.

It was a stupid thing to say but I don't think it is indicative of a deeper attitude towards the kids, sounds more like the kind of desperate thing I would have said when dealing with my abusive ex.

I would support him the best way I could we have a nightmare ex she is but an echo now but made our lives hell for years. He's probably had years of abuse from her my dh took a very long time to admit to the scale of abuse he suffered and there were times he didn't see his dc because of her actions because he knew the abuse they were suffering when she didn't 'win'. However I never ever let him put me first I kept at him to keep trying and kept trying myself. You do however need to get the police involved, my dh ex caused me problems at work and called the taxman even bizarrely booked in with the girl who did my waxing to slag me off leading to the classic line from her 'well me and Mr lightning have seen both of your fannies bet no one else can say that' the police were great went round and gave her a warning and gave me particular officer to contact if she did anything else. If you love him please don't give up on him I doubt you know everything yet

You sound like a sensible person OP. I think there are two separate issues:

• You need to go to the police and get them to do something about the harassment. You are not responsible for the ex or his children and shouldn't have to put up with this sort of bollocks.

• Yes, him saying he wouldn't see the kids would massively put me off him.

Sit down and speak to him.

Is he making that threat to be seen to support you - or has he been having to deal with this (slightly deranged sounding) woman for years, is at the end of his tether and can't think of any other way to get her to stop her nonsense?

It's possible that she has made threats to him along the line of 'if you don't (do what I want) then you won't ever see the kids again' and other such nonsense - maybe he is calling her bluff.

I can't tell, from what you have said, if he is putting you before the kids, or of the way she is treating you is the last straw causing him to react rather than respond.

Has he even thought of going for full custody as an option? Many men see it as impossible.

I too felt that his threat was a reaction to the years of abuse he suffered being now revisited on Both him and you.

How did she get your numbers?

Your employer will need to report her to the police I think, as should you and the dp.

Your h needs to seriously consider going for residency of the children, she's not a fit parent.

Hissy in the original post the op explained how she got her number- it was given to one of the children in case the train was late, obviously it was then passed on to the ex .

Ah, I skimmed that, but the work number too?

For people who say block on an iPhone, you do know it doesn't actually blocks the call? It simply diverts it to voicemail. It blocks texts obv

If the phone is an Android it is very easy to block calls. They don't go to voice mail, the phone simply rejects the call.

He should be more concerned about protecting the children from an unhinged mother than protecting himself by walking away.

I'm appalled there are people on here sayings it's a reaction to stress. Imagine how stressful this situation is for the children.

Absolutely the children are in horrific situation here, and they would be ideally better off with their dad, but the question was about the dh, and what he was thinking in putting the op first.

Most probably the ex asked the children where op worked and what she did for a living or the partner let it slip. It's a bloody mess either way.

i think dp said that in anger/annoyance etc, he would be very silly if he never saw his kids again and totally unfair to them

you need to log all calls, and go to the police who will go and talk to her for harassment, if she carries on contacting you then will go to court (i thnk)