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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Could you be with someone who would put his partner before his children??

66 replies

altctrldel · 05/02/2016 22:24

Ive been with my partner a year now.

We took things very slowly and only met his children 12 weeks ago- DS16 DD13 and DD12.

He had a pretty nasty break up with his ex- who has been harassing him for the past 3 years. Parking up outside his work watching him, calling him at all hours etc. He has never wanted to go to the police before because of his children. He has them one weekend a month and one night in the week. Its difficult as his ex lives a good 90 minute drive away (he moved towns when they split)

His children, while they havent really taken a shine to me, have been pleasant enough. But his ex has now started on me.

Usually the 3 of them are brought down by DPs parents (who still live in the town as his ex). 3 weeks ago, as DPs parents were away, they had to come down by train and I had to meet them off the train as DP had to work late- so DP gave his DS my number in case they had any problems, train was late etc.

Anyway- all arrived no problems. And then the texts started- horrible, abusive texts. I showed DP the texts who confirmed it was his exs number. Called her and tried to have a reasonable discussion with her to no avail.

Now- i must be getting 20 if not more texts a day. Calls in the middle of the night and to my workplace which is pissing my boss off and causing problems for me at work.

I snapped yesterday and called her and told me if she didnt stop calling, i would be calling the police. I have been making a log of all the calls and texts and combined im getting contacted by her 30 times a day- on average. There have been times when i have woken up to 25 missed calls.

The children have been coming since but nothing has been said because I dont think they should be involved. But there is an air of hostility. Not outward hostility- but you know when theres just that atmosphere??

The children were due to stay this weekend but DH has cancelled because of her behaviour. He has threatened that if she doesnt stop he will walk away from his children.

This has ShockHmmConfused me a little. While it is extreme- surely your children always come first?

Its made me question our relationship if im honest Blush

AIBU?

OP posts:
ollieplimsoles · 05/02/2016 23:18

To be honest op it sounds like you are in the middle of a very messy break up.

She's obviously not happy that he has found someone else and now the kids are getting to know you. She sounds crazy yes but dragging his kids into it and threatening not the see them anymore is just giving her leverage to tell them their dad doesn't care and they will turn against him more, and you!

I would take a break from him

landrover · 05/02/2016 23:37

Erhmmmm, just change your number?

Lurkedforever1 · 05/02/2016 23:38

I would run for the hills. Preferably with the kids in tow. Mums a fruit loop and dad sees them as emotional blackmail tools. With both so busy trying to 'beat' the other neither is even considering the kids feelings, let alone prioritising them. Selfish pair of twats.

You and the kids deserve a lot better op. Unfortunately you can't do much about his kids, but you can certainly do better yourself.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/02/2016 23:49

Did his ex not know about you until you met the kids or has she been harassing him about you all along until she got your number?

Honestly, I may sound very selfish but unless he's really, really the 'whole package and then some' I would probably end the relationship. I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life dealing with someone's crazy bitch ex.

expatinscotland · 05/02/2016 23:56

I would ditch this guy, tbh.

landrover, she can't change her work number.

Soooosie · 06/02/2016 00:04

Block her number? Keep blocking any numbers she uses. Get in touch with the police again. Get them to phone her

How ridiculous DH cancelling his kids and being prepared to walk away. That would make me reconsider my own relationship with DH.

Primaryteach87 · 06/02/2016 00:04

OP don't know if this applies to you but you can block numbers really easily if you have an iPhone.

HeddaGarbled · 06/02/2016 00:08

Yeah, agree with PP, I think you should run away from this. Even if you manage to get her under control with legal means, it's never going to be smooth sailing is it?

There was something in your first post which rang alarm bells for me. You only met the children 12 weeks ago because you were taking the introductions slowly. Then, the first and only time his parents couldn't bring the children to you, the children had to get the train (also for the first time) and amazingly this coincided with your partner working late so you had to collect them from the train. Well that's not taking it slowly is it? Major disruption to the normal arrangements and he thinks it's OK to work late and leave you all to deal with it without him.

He may be hoping that bonkers ex will distract you from his own failings. Maybe she was relatively normal before she got entangled with him.

Original poster
altctrldel · 06/02/2016 00:17

Dont see the point in blocking her number. Cant do that at work. Cant change my mobile number for work reasons and obviously cant change my work landline.

Its a PITA

OP posts:
wannaBe · 06/02/2016 00:21

For people who say block on an iPhone, you do know it doesn't actually blocks the call? It simply diverts it to voicemail. It blocks texts obv.

While I would walk away for my own sanity, I am a bit Hmm that people are questioning why the marriage might have ended and the dh's part in it. If a woman posted here that her ex was EA, and was threatening and harassing her partner would we be calling her reasons for leaving into question? No of course not.

TBH, I can't imagine what it must be like living like that - knowing that your ex has the potential to drive any normalcy out of your life. And while I couldn't conceive of walking away from my child, I suppose that there comes a breaking point at which one might want to walk away from everything.. Bearing in mind the children are teenagers, so it's not as simple as pushing for them to live with him - the courts will very much take the children's view into account, and the older ones can pretty much choose where they live from the age of fourteen.

SaveSomeSpendSome · 06/02/2016 00:23

Walk away, life is far too short for this shit.

There is plenty of nice men out there who dont have this baggage.

ColdTeaAgain · 06/02/2016 00:38

He isn't coming across as a very good father and she sounds completely unhinged. Those poor kids Sad

If he was devoted to his children and trying to shield them from this mess it would be different but he's not is he?

I think you need to walk away OP Flowers

TheStoic · 06/02/2016 05:17

For people who say block on an iPhone, you do know it doesn't actually blocks the call? It simply diverts it to voicemail. It blocks texts

Yes, it does block the call.

The caller goes straight through to voicemail, but the phone does not ring and the message is not logged or recorded, and cannot be retrieved. It's as if it never happened.

Block her number from as many phones as you can. At least you'll reduce the contact, if not eliminate it completely.

HicDraconis · 06/02/2016 05:21

I wouldn't walk away - it's what his ex wants you to do. You don't give in to a toddler tantrum and that's the level of behaviour she is displaying.

I'd be concerned about the threat to stop seeing his children, but I can easily imagine some clumsy reasoning along the lines of - if the children are the only point of contact or reason for contact and he removes that, then she will have no reason to contact him or you & you can change numbers without needing to give her the new ones.

Police with phone and text logs. Warnings about harassment charges and if she won't stop, some form of restraining or non contact order meaning she cannot call or text you.

She does sound off the rails and I have some sympathy for your partner if he's had to put up with this sort of behaviour from her before leaving.

Rebecca2014 · 06/02/2016 06:42

There are so many things he could do, report it to the police for one! She is harrasing you and your partner, pretty sure with all your evidence you got her nailed.

But the fact he rather not see his children and make tensions worse than go to the police says everything to me.

Kiwiinkits · 06/02/2016 06:50

Two red flags here about this guy:

  1. he prioritises 'working late' over picking up his darling kids, who he hasn't seen for a month. Leaving that to you.
  2. he moved away from them to a new town.

This guy's not your dream man, OP. I would call it quits. Plenty of good men out there.

lunar1 · 06/02/2016 07:21

I'd walk away, not just because of her though. He sees so little of his children yet has you picking them up, then uses them to get at his ex. I wouldn't put yourself between to people who are so strongly holding onto the gate from there marriage.

MsJamieFraser · 06/02/2016 07:33

I think the history is more complicated for him to say he will walk away.

At the moment its possibly an empty thread, however you only experienced this for a week or so, imagine this everyday for years? and more so seeing her outside his work and social life. No it isn't great what he has said, but I also think he has reached his tether, when she is now trying trouble away into your relationship.

I think you both need to put a stop to this and call the police.

gotthemoononastick · 06/02/2016 10:17

He was ridiculous to make this silly threat about his children,

You OP though, still have the timely opportunity to run far away from this stressful mess.

There is an old saying in Africa about the meal not being worth the sauce.

Ragwort · 06/02/2016 10:20

Walk away - your DH needs to sort out his relationship with his children.

Surely no new relationship can be worth this amount of stress.

Morasssassafras · 06/02/2016 10:29

She's been stalking him for years so I'm not surprised he's got to the point that he just wants it to stop and will say and do anything to try and do that.

You need to report her to the police. Today. I get why he hasn't but you need to. For you. For him. For those poor children.

wotoodoo · 06/02/2016 10:32

I feel sick just knowing he hasn't seen his dc for a month but put them on a train and got you, a stranger to them, to pick them up.

Utterly heartrending and dispicable behaviour from their dad from that alone.

MistressDeeCee · 06/02/2016 10:41

How is it she has your 'phone number, as opposed to just your DP's? You also mentioned your work landline and that her calls to you at work are pissing off your boss?

Either your or DP can go to police regarding the harassment, its the best thing as who knows how far she will go, she needs a wakeup call

Massively unfair for your DP to use the DCs as a threat against her, as if its their fault. & its unusual to say the least that this is his option for dealing with harassment against both of you, rather than simply going to the police and getting it resolved.

When a situation's getting out of hand you don't inflame it more by going for a convoluted option that'll inflame it more, rather than taking a simpler and more effective route. It can't be about shielding his DCs they're not babies and no doubt are fully aware of all thats going on I feel very sorry for them and you sound as if you do too, OP.

Why do I suspect here that your partner may be addicted to the drama? Then again I can't even fathom why someone would be harassing you at home and at work, to the point your boss is pissed off so it could well affect your job and livelihood, and you haven't picked yourself up and gone to police station.

But whatever your DP chooses to do you can go to the police yourself after all, she is harassing you. You don't have to go to police station on a joint basis

hefzi · 06/02/2016 12:54

Why don't you just block her calls? Download Phone Warrior, and then you won't even see (unless you check) that she's called or sent a text - she wants you to engage with her, so refuse to.

memyselfandaye · 06/02/2016 13:36

wotoodoo Bit of an overeaction to feel sick! If you read the OP, he has the kids one weekend a month and once during the week.

OP didn't say he hasn't seen them since she collected them because he was working late, she said there has been a bit of an atmophere when they have been around since the Mum started making the calls.

For what its worth I used to get malicious calls, 30+ times a day, it had me going out of my fucking mind with anger.

My phone stalker even rang when the police were taking a statement from me, up until that point the policeman wasn't really that interested, then he took the call and listened to the fucking screeching twat on the other end of the phone and was really annoyed on my behalf Grin

I honestly don't think your partner means he will stop seeing his kids, he sounds at the end of his rope.

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