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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you don't give a 6 year old detention for saying "pee"?

62 replies

Butterfliesprettybutterflies · 05/02/2016 18:19

When I picked DS1 (year 2) from school yesterday, one of the other boys in his class told me (in a kind of na na na na na way) that DS "got into lots of trouble today". I asked DS what happened and he told me that he a) said "pee" while in the toilets ("because I didn't know we weren't allowed to say it in the toilet - I mean that's what we're doing in there"); b) said "dead" ("I'm dead meat"...... for saying wee apparently and c) he blew on his recorder when he wasn't meant to in music class. He said for these three things he was told off by his teacher, the head-teacher and the music teacher.

I didn't see any of the teachers to ask either at pick up yesterday or today or at drop off this morning but DS has just told me that he was kept in at break as punishment for his behaviour yesterday.

Now I'm quite prepared to be told that there was more to it than he's telling me - he's not a saint and can be a bit silly (he's very young for his year) but he's generally a really well-behaved child and has never been in trouble - we got a school report a couple of weeks ago and it couldn't have been better.

But AIBU to think that 1. you don't give a 6 year old detention unless its something really bad; and 2. if his behaviour was that bad we should have been told about it?

I'm going to write an email to the head asking if there was more to it than he's told me but I just wanted to know if I was being totally unreasonable in thinking detention is not justified in this situation.

so as not to drip feed, he's been at this school about 9 months and we lived abroad before so totally different school system - plus this school puts an emphasis on being "traditional"..... so it's possible I just don't know how these things work!

OP posts:

BigQueenBee · 05/02/2016 19:25

Trouble is chick, you live in a different era. A lot of people nowadays dont understand the nuances of being risqué or being plain honest; and saying something that raises a hundred red flags.
I have serous issues with finding suitable employment due to the fact I have good social skills and can talk with ease to clients, hardly a crime?

ClashCityRocker · 05/02/2016 19:26

I once got a detention for saying 'fork'.

Admittedly it was 'for fork's sake!'which was an expression dgf used after mum gave him a bollocking for swearing in front of us grandkids.

I felt very much maligned

Narp · 05/02/2016 19:26

It's impossible to comment until you know the facts

Narp · 05/02/2016 19:27

I would not word your email like you have suggested. A simple request for clarification is all that is necessary

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/02/2016 19:33

hefzi DS takes great delight in chastising me if I say 'oh my goodness!' now. Cue 'It's a swear Mum!'

So is 'idiot' (my word of choice for mad drivers who suddenly cut me up on the school run). I have a feeling I would be at the HT's office quite a lot . . .even though I was a complete teacher's pet when I was at school

hefzi · 05/02/2016 19:35

Place just hope DS doesn't discover the concept of a swear box anytime soon, otherwise bankruptcy might beckon...

Original poster

Butterfliesprettybutterflies · 05/02/2016 19:37

Well thank you so much for the explanation of "oh my goodness" ...... I could not understand that at all!! (Oh my god - totally - it's not my belief but it's important to respect others) but oh my goodness was something he picked up from me and I didn't know it was a problem!

I guess I have to understand that there are specific ridiculous rules at prep school and that they are very old-fashioned here and I don't get it at my school at only a little older, as long as you weren't smoking weed behind the bike sheds, they left you alone

I would have understood the "quiet reflection" element of it if it were the same day but the crime was yesterday and the punishment today.... plus plenty of time to tell me about it too if you ask me.

He doesn't seem to be too worried about it - I think I am rankling at the injustice more (but am being good and have had a chat with him about how things that are ok at home are not always ok in school and that we're all still learning what is ok here because we're not used to it.)

OP posts:

Original poster

Butterfliesprettybutterflies · 05/02/2016 19:41

and I think I've been lucky so far that DS has only picked up "oh my goodness" - far far far worse things have been thrown at other drivers when driving in crazy driving countries! (I am of course deeply ashamed of my potty mouth

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hefzi · 05/02/2016 19:43

Butterflies I'm sure it's water off a duck's back to him: just be careful also if you tend to use "Good Lord" - that used to result in consequences too Oh, and also "Bother" (because clearly, you actually meant "bugger" )

Narp · 05/02/2016 19:46

You have pre-judged what happened and why and decided it's ridiculous, without speaking to one adult at the school about it

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/02/2016 19:49

Butterflies tbh he will probably grasp the school rules quicker than you will because he is there everyday. If he's not too worried about it then if I were, I'd take your lead from him.

If you still want to email the HT, I would approach it from a 'can you tell me what happened so I can support you?' rather than a 'this punishment seems disproportionate' angle.

I find when something like this happens, I give it at least a day before I respond. That day gives the incident time to play out (ie to see if anything else happens in the school); it gives me time to see how much it has upset DS and it gives me time to calm down. Both myself and DH struggle with the strictness of DS' school but he is generally flourishing there and that is what's important to us.

Narp · 05/02/2016 19:53

Good post APlace

Original poster

Butterfliesprettybutterflies · 05/02/2016 19:55

I can't say bother??? I'm sorry but someone is going to need to give me some acceptable expletives! There are times where I have to say something!!!

I've written what I wanted to say (still being polite of course!) and am now editing it to be less bristly and more supportive but i do genuinely think it's ridiculous and if they wanted me not to be cross about it they should have bloody told me about it rather than leave it over the weekend

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Narp · 05/02/2016 20:04

Honestly, I think you sound OTT about this. Children say all sorts to their parents that is just not true. It can't have been nice getting an upstate on events from a crowing 6 year old but your indignation is out of proportion. Keep an open mind

Narp · 05/02/2016 20:05

update not upstate

allinall · 05/02/2016 20:06

I used to teach infants and all my classes knew I was really strict in music lessons (and much less strict in other lessons!). It's so distracting and such a waste of time when the children play instruments at the wrong time, when it is not their turn, or when I'm talking. If someone kept playing anyway, particularly if they were doing it deliberately rather than from excitement, then they could definitely expect to be in trouble!

That trouble though, would probably have been having the instrument taken away for a while. Staying in for 5 minutes at playtime for persistent offenders, maybe! Not a 'sending to the head' offence though.

But I can see that the instrument-playing would be seen as more serious than, say, chatting would be.

Primaryteach87 · 05/02/2016 20:11

Okay, so sounds to me like he was doing low level disruptive behaviour and then got held back at break to talk about that. I wouldn't call it 'detention'. As a teacher, that sort of low level silliness can be very disruptive and frustrating. I would have kept him back.

Original poster

Butterfliesprettybutterflies · 05/02/2016 20:11

Narp - I am keeping an open mind (and not saying anything I can't back down from etc) but i have no reason to doubt ds and had decided not to raise it as it sounded so silly but then I hear (on a friday evening) that he's been punished for it. forgive me for feeling a little annoyed that they didn't take the opportunity to tell me what happened and now I have to wait until a new week when it might even seem silly raising it - i'm just frustrated with the situation

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MadamDeathstare · 05/02/2016 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Butterfliesprettybutterflies · 05/02/2016 20:15

I agree an immediate staying in would have been fine, but a day later? it just makes it sound more serious to me - and if it was that serious, then I feel like I should have been told. I promise I will stop using the word detention!

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APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/02/2016 20:19

Another point to remember is that some of the other parents may have different expectations from you too so the school will take that into account. They don't want parents lining up to complain that their DC learnt to say 'pee' at school

Original poster

Butterfliesprettybutterflies · 05/02/2016 20:20

now that's a good point MadamDeathstare - I think that sounds like a great system - but the difference is everyone knows where they stand (including the parents) - you may have hit the nail on the head that I don't know what the rules are - they aren't clear and I don't know how cross to be with DS because I don't know what warnings etc they would have gone through - possibly that's why i feel so wrong footed by the whole thing.... hmmm food for thought.

You are very wise APlaceonthe Couch - I have written and saved the email - will read again tomorrow and send then if I still think i need to.

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Sunnyshores · 05/02/2016 20:42

Prep schools are sometimes a different world! You say you had a fairly lax education and youve recently moved back from abroad, perhaps you need more of a chat generally about what expected of DS. And maybe, this school isnt the one for you. Just because its private, doesnt mean its any good for Ds.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 05/02/2016 20:45

You are very wise APlaceonthe Couch Oh, I wish I've just been dealing with this for a bit longer than you have and have figured out some ways to respond that work for my blood pressure, DS and my relationship with the school

Original poster

Butterfliesprettybutterflies · 05/02/2016 21:03

I do think it's the right school for him - until now he's been doing brilliantly! - it's just very different from the other schools he's been to and that, coupled with him being young for his year and 'different' from the other kids probably means he is only now getting comfortable enough now to test some boundaries.

I really appreciate the perspectives - who knew prep schools were such a minefield!

OP posts:

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