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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect a little bit of from employers compassion following miscarriage

33 replies

feelingempty · 05/02/2016 13:30

I am a registered childminder and look after a lovely little girl. I work Mon/Weds/Fri and asked for this Weds off as I had my 12 week scan. I explained to parents reason and they were excited and I took the day out of my annual leave. The scan showed that my baby had died at 8 weeks, obviously i am feeling really upset and empty about this and am struggling to talk about it without breaking down in tears. I text the parents to inform them the news from the scan as I thought they had a right to know. Maybe I'm expecting too much from them, I didn't get a reply, not even a short I'm sorry. I really could have done with having today off work as I am a wreck, I am bursting into tears all the time. I was hoping that they might suggest I take today, I don't expect to be paid, I just needed a bit of time. AIBU, I feel totally let down by them, I have loved and cared for their daughter (I know I am paid for this but I really do love their little girl, I don't just "look after her") I just feel like they don't care about me or my wellbeing at all.

OP posts:

BlueRaptor · 05/02/2016 13:32

I'm really sorry to hear this

How long ago did you text the parents? It might just be they're busy in meetings or some other reason and haven't yet looked at their phones. I doubt it's because they just didn't want to reply, I'm sure they will soon x

Knittysticks · 05/02/2016 13:38

I am really sorry to hear of your loss, I can understand your pain and you do need some time to heal and grieve. I don't know how it works with being self employed but can you still get a sick note from your GP in this situation? I hope that you are able to take some time, to be honest I would think you need at least a couple of weeks as from experience, your emotions will be very raw for some time. If you have a partner, could they perhaps phone the people to have a chat and explain what has happened, or is there someone else who could ring on your behalf to make sure they received the message? Look after yourself.

Original poster

feelingempty · 05/02/2016 13:39

I text them both after the scan on Wednesday. I'm sure one of them must have seen it. They didn't say anything when they dropped off this morning and cheerily wished me a nice weekend when they collected half an hour ago.

OP posts:

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 05/02/2016 13:39

I'm sorry

Why didn't you ask for today off unpaid? I appreciate it would've been nice for them to offer, but they presumably use you for childcare so they can work, so unlikely to offer it, but if you'd said you needed time they would've had to make other arrangements.

If you texted them Wednesday then I'm really surprised they've not at least replied with a brief sorry are you ok

pinkdelight · 05/02/2016 13:39

So sorry for what's happened. I really wouldn't read too much into them not replying to a text. It's a huge thing to deal with over a text and they might have felt a texted response was wholly inadequate. Perhaps if you couldn't face calling them, you should have been more direct and texted telling them you weren't able to work and today. Text is better for simple practicalities. Just giving them the news and putting the onus on them to come back and suggest you take the day off has too much potential for miscommunication. They aren't your employers, you're self-employed, and as such they would expect you to call the shots on whether you were well enough to open for work or not. I'm sure it doesn't mean they don't care about your well-being at all, just that it's hard to read between the lines of a text on a matter like this. Try not to give it too much mind and take care of yourself.

bookishandblondish · 05/02/2016 13:40

I'm not sure I would know how to respond to a text like that. Replying in text would feel wrong to me as being too flippant - and I may not know how to approach it in person based on your relationship - trying not to assume a familiarity that may/ may not be appropriate.

I know it's hard, but I'd give them the benefit of the doubt.

Vixxfacee · 05/02/2016 13:41

I am really sorry for your loss. You need to put yourself first. They should have said something to you. You look after their child.

Did they definitely receive the text?

jaxtsoldlady · 05/02/2016 13:42

for you my darling. Never been in your position but my sister has. How is your relationship generally with the parents? Maybe they don't know what to say? Text can be so impersonal and its quite easy to misinterpret so perhaps they are a bit stuck with how to speak to you?

pinkdelight · 05/02/2016 13:43

Ah just seen your response - it sounds like they either didn't get the text or they're waiting for you to say something if you want to. It sounds heartless when you say they were cheery but were you any different to normal in what you said to them? If not then they might think you want to carry on as normal rather than them making you upset about it. Some people don't know how to handle this... and that's assuming they've got the text. As I said, best to just tell them that you're taking time off if that's what you need.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 05/02/2016 14:10

So sorry to hear your sad news; and, assuming that your employers did actually see the messages you sent, then I'm sorry that they're just ignoring the situation, that's a bit soulless of them.
But it is possible that they haven't seen them; or that they were looking for cues from you, and didn't want to upset you.

BillSykesDog · 05/02/2016 14:22

I'm really sorry for your loss. If you need time off then tell them you're taking time off, you don't need to ask their permission.

lonelystarbuckslover · 05/02/2016 15:01

Just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss. I had two weeks off following mine - I also had a MMC and had to have it 'managed' just so you know what other people do.

Responses to my MC have been wildly varied - some people act like it was just a big late period and I should get on with life, others have been empathetic, sent flowers etc - including my employer. I hope you are getting good support - I found the Miscarriage Association helpful and I follow Saying Goodbye on FB which post really nice things that help you know someone gets it.

I find most people don't know what to say so say nothing at all.

Trojanhorsebox · 05/02/2016 15:28

So sorry for your loss.

In the parents' shoes however, if you hadn't told me you weren't fit to work I would assume you were carrying on as normal - and many people do after bereavements or illness, some don't of course. If this is a professional relationship rather than a friendship one, I would also assume you did not want to discuss your personal medical issues with me unless you spoke first. So while I realize you are upset, I'm not sure the parents have done anything wrong.

origamiwarrior · 05/02/2016 15:42

I am so sorry for your loss. I think the parents sound heartless. If I had received that message from you I would have responded by text to say how sorry I was and that if there was anything I could do, please let me know, and reiterated it when I dropped off this morning, and perhaps bought some flowers and a card.

However, I have to say I agree with the PP who said They aren't your employers, you're self-employed, and as such they would expect you to call the shots on whether you were well enough to open for work or not.

I would assume you would let me know if you didn't want to work, and if I you didn't tell me that, I would assume that you were one of those people who prefer to work through and have the distraction (and as such, it would be pretty insensitive for me to suggest you take (unpaid) time off).

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/02/2016 16:00

Jesus wept, they're insensitive.

I'm really sorry for your loss OP.

UsedtobeFeckless · 05/02/2016 16:07

I'm so sorry.

I was in the same position - our baby died at nine weeks but as I didn't miscarry I had to go into hospital and have an abortion. It was a very rough time and my SIL never mentioned it at all. Not a single word. She later said she didn't know what to say so she didn't say anything ...

I think people sort of freeze up and expect you to take the lead. That said, random people from work were coming round with flowers so she was a bit crap to not even be able to manage a sodding card ...

PersephonePitstop · 05/02/2016 16:07

Firstly I'm very sorry about the loss of your baby.

As regards the people in question, I agree they are not your 'employers' but users if your freelance service.

They were probably relieved you were still offer in your service, I wouldn't have expected you too.

People react differently to such things, when I lost a child I found the harde st thing was when people said nothing at all, it's horrible but rarely done through malice, more likely awkwardness or embarrassment.

PersephonePitstop · 05/02/2016 16:11

My BIL and SIL said nothing when DS2 died.

whois · 05/02/2016 16:11

They aren't your employers. They are your clients and you provide a service. You could have told them that unfortunately you weren't able to provide childcare due to medical reasons.

Way WAY too personal to tell them about your miscarriage and they are never going to offer you the day off.

whois · 05/02/2016 16:11

But very sorry for your loss :-(

HackerFucker22 · 05/02/2016 16:16

What a pair of fuckers OP. How rude and insensitive. It's the height of bad manners to me. Get signed off it you need to and don't feel obliged to anyone.

I assume you are waiting for things to happen naturally or will be undergoing some medical procedure soon? What is your plan then in terms of work.

To the lady who mentions having to go in for an abortion, that isn't the case. It was a ERPC (something the OP may have to undergo) please don't refer to it as an abortion!!

ShelaghTurner · 05/02/2016 16:21

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I took a week off, I lost mine at 11 weeks and also had to have an ERPC so was in hospital overnight. Very very few people said a single word and that includes family.

UsedtobeFeckless · 05/02/2016 16:29

@Hacker Sorry - it was a long time ago! I think they called it a D & C then but I didn't think anyone would know what that meant.

blueturtle6 · 05/02/2016 16:30

A decent human being and esp a parent would enquire to your well being. My employers were asking if I was ok to return after two weeks, I was ready for normality by then. After two days not a chance! Sorry for your loss it is crappy

Elendon · 05/02/2016 16:30

I cried for a whole week, non stop, except for fitful sleeping,after my first miscarriage, which was my first pregnancy. They are being insensitive to your needs. Take a week off. I personally would not be happy having someone care for my child who was in such pain.

Work were brilliant. I took ten days off. Had to have a two day hospital stay.

Just tell them you are not able.

And .

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