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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

aibu to expect basic cleanliness

65 replies

lucyloored · 03/02/2016 23:11

Hi. This is my first post on here and I guess it's a rant. I had dd 7months ago. 2 weeks later, me dd and dp moved house.Not the best timing. But now, 2 months into the new year and you'd think we'd only just moved in! There are still boxes sitting at the door to go to the charity shop and furniture still to be bought. This isn't too bad though, however dp is doing my absolute tits in. He does NOTHING!e.g. I went away with dd to visit dm and dad who live 100miles away for 5 days and came back to -- no bins out inc. nappy bin, no shopping, not even milk, no washings done, no dishes washed, in fact, piled on the side of the sink as there wasn't any dishwasher tablets (plenty of washing up liquid though) 3 bulbs out and the pram inexplicably in the bathroom. But to top it off every single item of dps wardrobe on the floor. Clean, dirty, you name it. It's a new house! Wtf am I living with?! Is it too much to expect?

This is what it's like all the time. We argue about it but I'm not his mother and just cannot keep up with all the housework and a 7month old. I'm generally quite a laid back person but I don't think basic hygiene is too much to ask!!!

OP posts:

OzzieFem · 04/02/2016 11:45

Did your MIL do everything for him? Ladies it's up to us to train all present and future sons in the mysteries of housework, ovens, washing machines and the (hate, hate) iron.

My sister is forever complaining about her husband being messy, not doing this or that, but when he does do it she is still not satisfied because he doesn't do it her way He still works part time at 72 but always washes and dries up now he is semi retired, but she still bitches about how it does it.

OzzieFem · 04/02/2016 11:46

he not it

arethereanyleftatall · 04/02/2016 12:02

I disagree with the 'he'd have to do it himself if he was single' comment.
Not necessarily. If his one wage was only supporting himself rather than a family, he'd have far more disposable income - possibly enough for a cleaner.

ZombiesAteMyBaby · 04/02/2016 12:34

When my mum and dad were first married my dad used to throw all his dirty socks under the bed. My nan would would always pick up after him when he lived at home. My mum refused to. He soon learned to put his socks in the wash basket after he ran out of clean socks. Funny thing is now they're divorced and my dad has been on his own for 20 years he's the most houseproud everything has to be in the right place person I know.

DH had his own place when I met him and I moved in with him straight from home after my mum doing everything for me. He had to teach me how to do housework!

I'd go back to your parents and tell him you won't be home until he's sorted the house out.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2016 12:50

'Did your MIL do everything for him? Ladies it's up to us to train all present and future sons in the mysteries of housework, ovens, washing machines and the (hate, hate) iron.'

So it's not up to men at all, they're just dogs who need to be 'trained'?

'I disagree with the 'he'd have to do it himself if he was single' comment.
Not necessarily. If his one wage was only supporting himself rather than a family, he'd have far more disposable income - possibly enough for a cleaner.'

Hahaha! No, he wouldn't. He'd just live in a shit tip.

RudeElf · 04/02/2016 12:53

I'm a cleaner. If i was having to come in and wash up a weeks worth of dishes and gather up all the socks and stray laundry i would get no actual cleaning done. Infact i wouldnt do a weeks worth of dishes. Everything would be encrusted onto the plates and cutlery and require soaking and scrubbing.

MrsHathaway · 04/02/2016 13:01

arethereany - hiring a cleaner is still dealing with the mess, though. At present he does nothing at all.

Fishface77 · 04/02/2016 13:11

Whosthe, what the hell? Why did his mates empty a packet of biscuits into the babies clothes? Get out while you can. This will lot change.

theycallmemellojello · 04/02/2016 13:23

I definitely don't think this is a woman's job. I am speaking from experience of working very long hours at a job while my DH was writing his phd thesis. He did everything at home. I'm not excusing the DH leaving stuff for the OP to tidy up after she came back from a break BUT I do think that when one partner is working a job with very long hours for six days a week and the other partner is on mat leave then prima facie the person on mat leave has a lot more time for washing up. If the person on mat leave finds that this is incompatible with caring duties then absolutely fair enough. Personally I didn't manage a huge amount of housework when I was on mat leave. But there has to be a solution that doesn't involve blaming the partner it's probably something to do with a combination of relaxing standards (is it a big deal if clothes are on the floor? Frankly they always are in my bedroom) and agreeing to do cleaning/housework together on the DP's day off ie dividing chores and each doing half while the other looks after the baby.

expatinscotland · 04/02/2016 13:27

I'm eternally astounded at the number of women who take up with men who are pigs. I understand, no one's perfect, but I've already taught both my kids that someone who lives like this is has no respect even for him/herself or his stuff, so how's he/she going to have any for you?

And all this, 'Well, his mother did it all for him'. Mine did for me, too. Then I left home and learned how to look after myself and things. It's not hard to figure out and doesn't take very long.

When people show you who they are, listen to them.

ohtheholidays · 04/02/2016 13:49

lucyloored Good I'm glad he's started helping out,don't forget what I said about the knee jerk reaction,my DH wasn't great at doing housework and I'd get worn down and he'd do the knee jerk reaction and then a few weeks later he'd have slipped back into his old ways for a week or 2 before I'd realized.So keep an eye on it.

Whosthemummy16 oh my Darling is this your first baby as well?Honestly lots of people would say that kind of behaviour is verging on abusive from him and his friends.I presume you've spoken to him about what's going on and what him and his friends our doing is really disrespecting you,the baby your carrying and your home?

Honestly if you have and he's not listening like I'd said to the OP is there somewhere you could go?I know you shouldn't have to being so close to giving birth,but if you could just for 2 or 3 days and tell him before you go why your going and what you expect to find when you come back home.

Whosthemummy16 · 04/02/2016 15:00

Thank you ohtheholidays for your kind advice!
I'm thinking going to my parents for a couple of days might be a good idea! And telling him if the place is disgusting when I come back that I will be taking the babies and my things.
Hopefully this might give him a kick up the Arse, but who knows ?!

Fishface77 · 04/02/2016 17:26

Good for you whosethe! Kick him into touch

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 04/02/2016 18:17

Hopefully this might give him a kick up the Arse, but who knows ?!

Whos, you'll probably have to actually carry out that threat before he believes you - so make sure you do.

ohtheholidays · 04/02/2016 19:46

Your welcome whosthe,I hope it does give him the wake up call that it sounds like he needs.Good Luck

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