aibu to expect basic cleanliness

[lucyloored]

Hi. This is my first post on here and I guess it's a rant. I had dd 7months ago. 2 weeks later, me dd and dp moved house.Not the best timing. But now, 2 months into the new year and you'd think we'd only just moved in! There are still boxes sitting at the door to go to the charity shop and furniture still to be bought. This isn't too bad though, however dp is doing my absolute tits in. He does NOTHING!e.g. I went away with dd to visit dm and dad who live 100miles away for 5 days and came back to -- no bins out inc. nappy bin, no shopping, not even milk, no washings done, no dishes washed, in fact, piled on the side of the sink as there wasn't any dishwasher tablets (plenty of washing up liquid though) 3 bulbs out and the pram inexplicably in the bathroom. But to top it off every single item of dps wardrobe on the floor. Clean, dirty, you name it. It's a new house! Wtf am I living with?! Is it too much to expect?

This is what it's like all the time. We argue about it but I'm not his mother and just cannot keep up with all the housework and a 7month old. I'm generally quite a laid back person but I don't think basic hygiene is too much to ask!!!

Watch this. It tells you how to replace a hard drive in a PS4, but obviously you just watch it up to the bit where it shows you how to take it out. You'd be amazed how well a PS4 wont work without it. I did it once to DS when he was refusing to sort his shit pit bedroom out. I held it to ransom until he did his room and his washing, funny how quick he learned to work the washer after previously claiming it was too complicated....

Then you stop doing anything for him until he learns to treat you with the respect you deserve.

The fact that you came home to that mess disgusts me, clearly he was expecting the maid to do it when she came back from her week off.....selfish cunt.

Get the hell out now. I'm watching a thread where the op is in a situation like this 20 years later and she says she wishes she had never stayed. It has eroded her love and respect for the man. It's like having another child.

What hours do you work? Personally I wouldn't manage a lot of household tasks if I worked long hours 6 days a week and was sleep deprived from a tiny baby. Some stuff can get done on the day off, but I reckon washing up piling up is an inevitability in those circs. Sorry, I think yabu.

It's just inconsiderate and lazy. If he just spent 15 mins a day doing some chores, there would be a totally different dynamic and it would be much more pleasant.

I don't get this 'he works long hours 6 days etc' bollocks. I'm a lone parent. I work long hard (physically) hours. Id live in a midden if I used that excuse. He's an adult. Actually he's not he's a manchild.
YANBU.

Ok but everyone's different, and this guy is not single, he has a partner on mat leave! I agree clothes on floor is not good but for the rest of it I think I'd accept that there is a tiny baby in the house and standards are going to slip. And to me it's obvious that if anyone should be doing washing up, bins etc it's the person on mat leave. I get that caring for a baby might make doing housework impossible, and that's fine, but I don't think that necessarily justifies anger at a partner who appears to be pulling his weight. I'd be very upset if my partner expected a lot out of me chore wise in these circs.

He's being a lazy fucker. Who can't manage a few basic looking after yourself tasks around a job??

Get up and eat breakfast, spend 2 mins washing up breakfast things, put load in washing machine, take smelly bin bag out when leaving the house. It's not like these are daily tasks.
Get home and whilst getting food (even if its waiting for a micro meal), transfer washing to tumble dryer. Eat and spend another 5 mins washing up and wiping down sides.

He could also have done what my husband and me do if we run out of a basic like dishwasher tablet; stop off at a petrol station on the way home or pop to a shop in our lunch breaks.

Unless you've employed a housemaid, kitchen staff, butler and personal assistant I'm afraid adults and children need to do a bit of basic picking up after themselves. Even if their partner is a sahp.

He should be cleaning up after himself. You're not his slave.

theycall if I move in with my partner when he retires should I just leave my knickers and dirty dishes lying round? According to your pov this is perfectly acceptable

does this come down to having different standards? My husband and I have had massive rows because I want a show home tidy house and hes a lazy pig. To him these things aren't important, to me they are.
Ive totally de-cluttered and cleared up without him, binned loads of crap so it is easier to keep on top of.
I hoover each day, Saturday morning all over clean and have a big room clean once a week (one room deep clean) to maintain what I want. He has found it much easier to keep his stuff tidy because there's a place for everything and it actually looks really nice, plus i'm much less crazy in a tidy house.
The mess doesn't bother him (you should see his work office - bleugh) but ultimately it was my problem not his because I wanted it a certain way

theycall how exactly could she clear up after him if she wasn't even there for 5 days. He can clear up his own shit and not selfishly leave 5 days worth of rubbish for his dp to have to sort out

And sounds like he's actively making mess rather than clearing up behind himself e.g. Why would all his clothes need to be on the floor?

OP you need to knock this on the head now.My ex husband was the same and I put up with it for 9 years,it was bloody exhausting!

Honestly,I'd turn the sodding PS4 off and stand in front of him,I'd tell him that he needs to change his behaviour now and that your leaving for a few days with the baby and won't be coming back until he can show you the proof that he's done everything that he should have done ages ago(get him to send some pictures to your phone whilst your away of the place bloody tidy)and tell him that it can't just be a knee jerk reaction(acting like a normal functioning adult and then going back to manchild status within a few days of you being home)explain to him how this affecting you and your relationship and how it's going to end up affecting the baby as well.

You have my sympathy OP,it can be bloody hard work when it doesn't need to be and it can leave you feeling really resentful

how do single people who work 6 days a week manage? Surely by being out of the house so much, less mess is created and if there is only one of you there is less to wash up etc. did he manage to pop to the shop for beer/cigarettes/a sandwich at lunch - if so he had time to buy dishwasher tablets.

He is expecting you to do it all, how attractive he is! If you don't resolve this now you will become his mummy.

(Btw I used to work 6 days a week, approx 50/60 hours - loading the dishwasher, emptying bins, hoovering, and washing clothes was easy to fit in - you just do it as you go along, the bigger challenge being single and working long hours was gardening/painting fences etc as they took far more time and you only have one day off).

Jesus wept! Another thread featuring a man who's a pig, who thinks cleaning up after himself and basic cleanliness is beneath him, something for a woman to do, with a load of comments from other woman about how it's also the OP's job to fix all this and train an adult like a dog.

Forgot to say OP the he works 6 days exscuse wouldn't wash with alot of people now.

When my Mum had me she was early 30's and my Dad was 40.

For the first couple of months after I was born my Dad did pretty much everything,he washed,cleaned,cooked,did the shopping,the laundry,helped take care of me,helped take care of my 2 big brothers,paid the bills,took care of the pets(ducks,cat,Rabbits,birds,ferrets)did the gardening,visited my Grandparents(my Dad's parents)and did bits for them round the house and tended they're massive garden(they were both very ill)and he worked full time 5 /12 -6 days a week,he was out of the house for nearly 11 hours a day very physical job(he worked on the building site and was in charge of over 50 men)on top of that my Dad had really serious health problems from the wars he was in whilst serving in the army.

And my Dad was born in 1935 so you can imagine how attitudes to so called womens work were very different back then to what they are now.
But he managed it.I think it's really worrying that some men's attitudes seem to be going backwards instead of forwards when it comes to housework,cooking and child rearing.

Throw his stuff away.
I do it with DH. My point is if he left it in a shit heap on the floor he can't have been that bothered by it anyway.

And it takes 30 mins to do an internet shop to be delivered the next night

Holidays I think this is a reasonable, adult approach. I spoke to him last night and this morning he's done dishes and bins etc. I reckon I will need to spell it out for him most times.

I get mess I really do, but 5 day mess doesn't compute and just makes all subsequent mess that much harder to deal with. Called a charity too. This whole forum thing is great! I am not alone!

with a load of comments from other woman about how it's also the OP's job to fix all this and train an adult like a dog.

Fucking infuriating isnt it?

I have worked full time as a lone parent of two and house was always kept well.

Both my parents worked full time, including dad travelling for work and working through the night regularly. They both mucked in when at home. Theres no excuse.

If your DP lived alone he would have to do this stuff for himself. I think thats a fair rule to go by. He should be doing at least what he would be doing anyway if living alone. He has also created a child so there are extra things he now has to do to care for that child.

If your DP lived alone he would have to do this stuff for himself. I think thats a fair rule to go by. He should be doing at least what he would be doing anyway if living alone.

I agree, and I think it's a good way to frame it. Also have a look at the "fuck you Sally" thread in which we are discussing that it isn't so much whether something is clean or not, but the attitude that cleaning/tidying is beneath one partner. Every time the washing up is left for someone else, the message taken away is "my time is more valuable than yours, so I'm leaving this tedious job for you to do". Aka "fuck you, Sally, you wash up".

It's extremely unsexy to have someone treat you like a parent.

Oh dear this is going to be me soon!
I'm due in a couple of weeks and my OH is driving me insane, clothes all over the floor, empty wrappers put back in the cupboard, opened packs of chicken put back in the fridge not covered, toenail clippings on the floor, I could go on and on!
I feel like a maid running around constantly doing housework and tidying for no reason.
But I can't just not do it as I won't have my baby come home to a shithole !!
Yet I'm the one being unreasonable for getting upset after coming home from my mums because he had friends over for a few beers to find God knows what splattered all up the babies steriliser and perfect prep machine, beer bottles, takeaway food boxes everywhere, all her baby grows and sleep suits pulled out of the boxes and not put back and a packet of biscuits emptied out inside the cupboard where I have kept her bottles and muslin cloths/bibs.

Really at the end of my tether, but pleased to know it's not my crazy pregnancy hormones or me being unreasonable !!

YANBU

What was his reasoning /excuses for leaving dishes stacked up for days and the bin overflowing?!
I'd be spitting bullets. Totally unacceptable behaviour

whosethe

You know you dont have to live with him, right?

Take a look at this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2557241-this-hit-home-blokes-blog

And this www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2543620-Incompetent-husband-anyone-else