To not take DD to IL's

[JellyBaby26]

We will be taking our 8 month old to the BIL's next week. She has a neurological condition and can't sit up let alone crawl etc. we are staying at BIL's for the one night. When discussing the trip with his M & D they asked if we were going to pop in to their house.

They live a few short miles from their son, and all family are coming for a buffet meal thing in the evening.

Now...I have said no and DH tentatively agreed but feels guilty. The reason why is their house is an absolute state. I c ant emphasise how grim it is. You can't not wear shoes as who knows what the fuck is on the floor, the sofa is over 30 years old, they have a disgusting cat whose shit stays in its tray til they can be arsed to empty it, they are utter hoarders and are unable to finish jobs so the house is just minefield. She can't crawl but I refuse to take my baby in the house as I wouldn't be able to put her down anywhere.

AIBU to refuse to visit and just let them see us at their sons house? And to make DH tell them the truth why we aren't going to even walk up their drive? He wants to say that because I'm pregnant I can't go near the cat. I know they are going to invite and want us round on the Saturday .

Maybe I'm being selfish but all I'm looking forward to is the mamas and papas outlet...

[voodoolooloo]

*wouldn't

[YesterdayOnceMore]

If your baby is 8 months old and not crawling, wouldn't you, your DH and your ILs just be holding her anyway? I cannot imagine taking a non-crawling baby to someone's house for an hour and putting them down on the floor whatever the house was like. Everyone would be wanting cuddles with the baby?

The messy house isn't an issue at the moment as far as I can see?

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Sorry - my mom was like this - stuff every where vacuum once a year - filth smells dirt - it's not just a bit untidy!!

Dogs in this case but get the cat reference!

Not sure if you should say yes to a tea and have no where to put it down!!!

Food hygiene a nightmare!!

It's not princessy!! I know what you are saying.

They moan about X but don't do y, it's too much like hard work to sort it out so nothing changes.

I think your DH needs to mention it - not you!!

[hufflebottom]

It's totally understandable to feel like it. I'm exactly the same. Dd won't see her grandfather when she's born as his flat is a mess, he smokes all the time and is currently on antibiotics for pneumonia that's if he's taking them I've told dd's dad that he needs to tell him but he won't.

Your dh needs to address it with them. Until he does I think you need to stand your ground.

I do think the not talking to them at your house is a tad mean.

[JennyOfOldstones]

Are your inlaws the Chawners?

[1manwent2mowWent2mowameadow]

YANBU but I would deal with it now, it's not going to get any easier.
And worse case scenario you tell them your not happy visiting with dd because of the mess etc. They get peed off and your not welcome there any more?
I always think we need to be able to explain to our offspring why we made the decisions we did when they were small, you need to be able to say you tried everything and the fault is with them, if you do not try to explain the problem and give them the chance (tho I seriously doubt they will improve by the sounds of them) then your left with children in the future asking awkward questions.
IMO you do not sound like a spoilt princess, you have standards. I just hope DH is not like his parents or brother!

[LettingAgentNightmare]

You don't 'go into your shell' you are just really rude.

[janethegirl2]

I get you OP, I'd try to avoid any contact with pil if you can. They sound quite difficult.
I only had issues with my mil, fil was fine, but her basic hygiene was shit. She'd peel veg in the sink and then wash dishes in the filthy water. I struggled to eat anything in her house. My DC never ate there.

[FuzzyOwl]

YANBU. They can see all of you at your BIL's house, so I don't see why you need to go to their house as well (especially when you are there for such a short period of time). I would say that your DD needs to be in a very clean environment because of her neurological condition and leave it at that. Otherwise, as you say you only go up there once in a blue moon, perhaps say you don't have enough time this visit but you will visit them next time.

My DH has an aunt who blames everybody else for everything, so I get where you are coming from with your other comments. Depression can make it hard for people to find the motivation to do things though, although it sounds as though they might just be quite negative people despite this.