To not take DD to IL's

[JellyBaby26]

We will be taking our 8 month old to the BIL's next week. She has a neurological condition and can't sit up let alone crawl etc. we are staying at BIL's for the one night. When discussing the trip with his M & D they asked if we were going to pop in to their house.

They live a few short miles from their son, and all family are coming for a buffet meal thing in the evening.

Now...I have said no and DH tentatively agreed but feels guilty. The reason why is their house is an absolute state. I c ant emphasise how grim it is. You can't not wear shoes as who knows what the fuck is on the floor, the sofa is over 30 years old, they have a disgusting cat whose shit stays in its tray til they can be arsed to empty it, they are utter hoarders and are unable to finish jobs so the house is just minefield. She can't crawl but I refuse to take my baby in the house as I wouldn't be able to put her down anywhere.

AIBU to refuse to visit and just let them see us at their sons house? And to make DH tell them the truth why we aren't going to even walk up their drive? He wants to say that because I'm pregnant I can't go near the cat. I know they are going to invite and want us round on the Saturday .

Maybe I'm being selfish but all I'm looking forward to is the mamas and papas outlet...

[FuzzyOwl]

YANBU. They can see all of you at your BIL's house, so I don't see why you need to go to their house as well (especially when you are there for such a short period of time). I would say that your DD needs to be in a very clean environment because of her neurological condition and leave it at that. Otherwise, as you say you only go up there once in a blue moon, perhaps say you don't have enough time this visit but you will visit them next time.

My DH has an aunt who blames everybody else for everything, so I get where you are coming from with your other comments. Depression can make it hard for people to find the motivation to do things though, although it sounds as though they might just be quite negative people despite this.

[janethegirl2]

I get you OP, I'd try to avoid any contact with pil if you can. They sound quite difficult.
I only had issues with my mil, fil was fine, but her basic hygiene was shit. She'd peel veg in the sink and then wash dishes in the filthy water. I struggled to eat anything in her house. My DC never ate there.

[LettingAgentNightmare]

You don't 'go into your shell' you are just really rude.

[1manwent2mowWent2mowameadow]

YANBU but I would deal with it now, it's not going to get any easier.
And worse case scenario you tell them your not happy visiting with dd because of the mess etc. They get peed off and your not welcome there any more?
I always think we need to be able to explain to our offspring why we made the decisions we did when they were small, you need to be able to say you tried everything and the fault is with them, if you do not try to explain the problem and give them the chance (tho I seriously doubt they will improve by the sounds of them) then your left with children in the future asking awkward questions.
IMO you do not sound like a spoilt princess, you have standards. I just hope DH is not like his parents or brother!

[JennyOfOldstones]

Are your inlaws the Chawners?

[hufflebottom]

It's totally understandable to feel like it. I'm exactly the same. Dd won't see her grandfather when she's born as his flat is a mess, he smokes all the time and is currently on antibiotics for pneumonia that's if he's taking them I've told dd's dad that he needs to tell him but he won't.

Your dh needs to address it with them. Until he does I think you need to stand your ground.

I do think the not talking to them at your house is a tad mean.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Sorry - my mom was like this - stuff every where vacuum once a year - filth smells dirt - it's not just a bit untidy!!

Dogs in this case but get the cat reference!

Not sure if you should say yes to a tea and have no where to put it down!!!

Food hygiene a nightmare!!

It's not princessy!! I know what you are saying.

They moan about X but don't do y, it's too much like hard work to sort it out so nothing changes.

I think your DH needs to mention it - not you!!

[YesterdayOnceMore]

If your baby is 8 months old and not crawling, wouldn't you, your DH and your ILs just be holding her anyway? I cannot imagine taking a non-crawling baby to someone's house for an hour and putting them down on the floor whatever the house was like. Everyone would be wanting cuddles with the baby?

The messy house isn't an issue at the moment as far as I can see?

[voodoolooloo]

*wouldn't

[BearsDontDigOnDancing]

Well, OP, despite the fact that you have explained that you were using the weight thing as an example of MIL saying she will do something and then not bothering , that is going to be the ONLY thing ppl will now focus on and take you to task for, no matter what else you say. As if you demanded she lose weight and made her stay out of the wedding pics as she did not.

And no, I would not go to their house either.

[voodoolooloo]

So the not losing weight is indicative of them in general? You say they're depressed? It sounds like a rut they can't get out of.
I would take my children. It neither safe not pleasant ( for me either!).
Can you meet at a cafe? Or a pp mentioned taking a travel cot is that a good idea I wonder?
I think you're a little unreasonable not talking to them in your house but that's not what you asked! I would find it very hard to go visiting!

[IamTheWhoreofBabylon]

You are going to be slated now OP for the weight comment
The thread won't move on because it will be jumped on
For what it's worth I didn't read it that you asked her to lose weight but that she said she was going to lose weight
I go to very grim houses in my work but I would not have taken my baby there
And once crawling imagine it. Let them come to BIL
They think you are precious anyway so anything you do is likely to be wrong

[firesidechat]

Not wanting to go to their house - understandable.

Not talking to them at your house because they aren't like your family - incredibly rude and nasty.

Annoyed because your mil didn't lose weight for your wedding (mess up the photos did she ) - got your priorities a bit skewed there op.

[JellyBaby26]

I definitely did not say it bothered me about the wedding...I don't really know why I mentioned it other that to get the point across that they will never change.

[JellyBaby26]

I wasn't bothered about her losing weight! It was a crap example but it's the same with everything, they say they will do something and don't. Like they will never sort the house! they are slobs

Now talking about things that aren't relevant so fine ignore the weight thing.

An example of the house...there is no flooring on the bathroom floor, never has been since I have been with DH. When they got the kitchen ceiling done they left a gaping hole in the ceiling for weeks so if you went to the loo, everyone in the house could hear and see you! And that didn't bother them.

I think I will struggle to get my point across to people who think I'm a spoilt princess !

[GloGirl]

I went to a filthy house once. I took the travel cot as a play pen and stayed for an hour. You could alternatively take her high chair and just leave her sat in that?

I think your grand-daughter should go to her GPs house. They're a part of her history, her family. Taking her at 8 months will be so much easier 18 months, and 18 months will be much easier than 28 months... Etc. Start off now so that they can see just how awkward it is having a child in their filth pit of a house. See if your DH mentions a couple of foreseeable problems about taking her once she starts crawling etc.

Really trying hard not to respond to the wedding conundrum, that is all you.

[PotteringAlong]

You sound like a nightmare. You wanted your mil to lose weight for your wedding? You don't talk to them when they're at your house? That's why they think you're a spoilt princess.

[voodoolooloo]

The house being a hovel is the issue here. MIL being obese is not.
Yanbu. I wouldn't be visiting.
The wedding comment makes you sound a princess btw.

[BarbarianMum]

You expected your MiL to lose weight for your wedding and she didn't? How totally embarrassing for you .

[JellyBaby26]

BIL has no kids and going there is a challenge as it is. He's over 30 and still thinks it's ok to get so rat arsed that he sleeps in his own vomit...but other than that it shouldn't be so bad!

When they asked we just said something about the time once we get up there how we will just want to get settled etc. but I know they will want us to go in on the Saturday and I'm just not prepared to do so on any terms!!

I know it needs to be approached but they take great offence at things and make no attempt to change.

MIL is morbidly obese and promised everyone she would lose weight for our wedding...did she ...did she balls.
They both just blame each other for the mess, the weight, the unfinished house, it's terrible. I want to say something but it's easier not to. However this same problem will keep cropping up every time we go there (which, thankfully is once in a blue moon).

Such a tough situation. If it were my folks I would had no trouble telling them at all,but it's not!

[ViviPru]

What was actually said when they asked if you would visit? That would have been an ideal opportunity to say "we'd love to catch up with you at BIL's or Cafe X but with your house the way it is, its just not going to be practical for DD"

Maybe a bit blunt but factual and objective...

[MintyBojingles]

YANBU, however you're going to need to talk to them about it at some point, at least give them the opportunity to tidy up. I do understand that might not happen however! Sounds like an all round tough situation. Does your BIL have kids?

[Slowlygettingthehangofthings]

I wouldn't say you are a heartless bitch! I can sympathise as I have a colleague who is the same- negative, negative, negative all the time. It just puts my back up straight away before he even speaks.
Plus, I would be concerned if it was my house they were visiting, what must their personal hygiene be like! I would feel the need to dettol everything after they left.

[JellyBaby26]

They are both on anti depressants and think everything happens to them etc. when our dd nearly died they had weeks off work when we just had to get on with it and didn't want sympathy. I know we all deal with things differently though...

The reason I say very little is because they think I'm some sort of spoilt princess and always think something's wrong and are always pitying dd and I. I can't even look for salt on the table without a fuss. I won't tell them my due date because of this as well and don't want them down here straight away once ds is born.

I sound horrible I know but they are incredibly difficult to be around. They just suck the positives out of everything and just moan 24/7. DH isn't keen either and sees my parents as more of a mum and dad than his own.

After writing this down I have concurred I am a heartless bitch.