To be disappointed about baby's sex?

[hawaiibaby]

I am probably going to get flamed, but maybe it's what I need.

Am pregnant and found out today by accident that we are having a boy, we already have one DS.

I feel horrible and guilty to feel disappointed as I love the wriggly little baby inside me and of course the fact that it's a boy doesn't change that. I hadn't even realised how much I wanted a girl until today. I know we are so lucky to be able to have a second child and after fertility treatment and a loss, this pregnancy feels like a true miracle and if I was reading this as someone struggling, I would want to punch me very hard in the face. But yet, it is how I feel and I don't know if it's natural and something others have experienced or if I'm a monster bitch of the first variety.

I guess the way I found out wasn't very magical either, compared to if we found out at the birth like with DS or at a scan together it could have been totally different.

I know two brothers will be completely wonderful and on one hand I find myself welling up thinking about how lovely it will be in our noisy fun house full of boys; boys totally rock and I couldn't adore DS any more. I guess as this is our last, I am trying to come to terms with never having a daughter which is something I always imagined since I was young myself. I also had an awesome name in mind which we won't get to use now but we are both stuck for boys!

And as an aside, I told DH I know, he's not sure he wants to though - surely I can't keep this to myself now - can I?!

[Message from MNHQ - we've edited out a few details at the OP's request to make this thread less identifying].

Everyone secretly has a preference. People who say they are not bothered still would have a preference if they were given the choice to choose the sex of the baby.

You may feel disappointed now but it wont matter when the baby is here.

DD is 3 and when i was at the 20 week scan i really wanted her to be a boy. I did feel alittle disheartened when the scan showed a girl but within afew hours i came round to the idea.

Now if i was to become pregnant again, i would like another girl but if i were to find out i was having a boy then of course i may feel disheartened again but i will very quickly get used to it and when baby is born, again like last time it will be a non issue.

Cacheral that's such a lovely kind post

Unfortunately we just can't help how we feel but as other posters have said it is only an issue if 12 months down the line you're resenting your child for not being the correct sex, which I think is VERY unlikely.

YANBU - similar story here. I wasn't fussed with DS1 but the whole family (DH included) was convinced I was having a girl. We found out at the 20 week scan and I was really happy to be having a son but DH had to work through a few days of odd feelings - thrilled for the healthy baby we were going to have and at the same time desperately sad for not having the daughter he had been imagining. DS1 was born and was adored and all was good.

Next pregnancy I was the one hoping for a girl - maybe not so much hoping, just assumed it was (as I already had a son) - and had the same mix of feelings when we found out he was ds2. He's not loved any less and it really is wonderful having two boys but he was always going to be my last child (I wanted more but DH didn't) and I was sad for the daughter I would never have. I'm another who is glad that I found out early because it gave me time to work through the sadness and the guilt of what I felt well before he was born.

And reading all the MiL threads on here you wouldn't be flamed at all for worrying about being a mother of sons! I just keep hoping that all the situations where the MiL/DiL get on really well and it really is one big happy family just don't get posted about.

Congratulations on your pregnancy but be kind to yourself 💐

I'm awaiting the arrival of ds3 in a couple of months. It's funny, I felt disappointed that I wasn't having a daughter when I had my 20 week scan of ds2, but when I found out that ds3 was a boy, I felt a wave of relief and happiness. You are right - little boys are brilliant. You will get through this disappointment in a little while. Just try to put it out of your mind.
I do wonder how on earth you will keep this from your husband. To be honest, if you know, he should just suck it up, and not put you in an awkward position. There's every possibility that you will accidentally let it slip at some point and then you will feel guilty. Unnecessarily.

Totally, totally normal.
I'm pregnant and I have a gender preference. I will allow myself to be sad for a little while if I find out baby is opposite, but not for long.
I do feel strongly that the perfect baby for our family is being made inside me. Regardless of the gender, this person was made for us. I just don't know them yet so how could I feel any other way? We are only human.
Xxx

I don't think you're being unreasonable... As long as it doesn't change the way you think about that child, fine... I would be worried if this continues throughout the pregnancy.

I have a DD and I'm pregnant with my second - I had hoped for a boy, but as soon as I found out it was a girl - I was chuffed to bits and couldn't be more happier... I don't feel upset/gutted at all, but that's just me :)

As others have said I don't think you're unreasonable. You saw your future a certain way and now it turns about it's not to be. It's normal to be a little sad.

Thank you all for your replies, some of them made me well up (damn hormones). So many have hit the nail on the head - it's not that I am sad that I am having another boy - it is sadness that I will never have a girl. Thank you for this as I hadn't even realised and I think THAT is what I need to accept. I can very much imagine looking back in a few months and saying what some of you have - that you couldn't imagine things any other way.

It has only been a few hours, but after reading these responses and having just a little time to let it sink in, I am beginning to feel something like excitement at the thought of parenting another son, I have loved having a boy and think my DS will be delighted to entertain a little brother.

I guess I just need to acknowledge how I feel, accept and move on. I really do know how lucky we are to be in this position, hence feeling so bloody guilty about my reaction.

Waltermittythesequel I'm so sorry to hear about your sister, I hope that she recovers physically very soon. As I said in the OP, I would want to punch me if I was reading this and going through problems so would have likely felt just like you.

caitlinohara You know, I think I'm glad I have found out before, despite not intending to. Am glad I will have a few weeks to get used to it before he arrives and will I'm sure be excited by the time he does. Thanks.

hambo that is very impressive! I am sure I will slip up, or DH will crack and want to know. I will try my hardest though if he doesn't!

You can't help how you feel and I'm sure you'll love having two sons.

However, I don't recall ever reading on here of anyone being disappointed that they'll never have a son because they only have girls. It would be refreshing to open a gender disappointment thread and find someone actually yearning for a boy for once.

I was VERY disappointed upon finding out I was having a boy I cried every hour for three days, until I finally looked at some baby boy clothes and realised that of course I would love my son, 19 months on I feel guilty for ever thinking that way. It is normal

I think you can feel disappointed about not having a girl at the same time as being delighted you are having your DC2. I'm sure you won't feel any less love for your DS2.
I had a DS1 then a DS2 and the fact I still wanted a DD didn't mean I was dissatisfied in DS2.

Congrats on the pregnancy.

Gosh, this is a nice thread. I was savaged when I posted something similar four years ago, literally after I had come home from the 18 week scan, as DH and I were commuting internationally at the time, and I was alone, and desperately upset.

I was completely taken aback at the strength of my disappointment when I found out that DS was DS - I had no idea at all I was harbouring an unconscious preference. Looking back now, much of it was because I knew at the time this would be my only child, and I was sad that I would never have a daughter, in a way that was all about me trying to rectify some fairly appalling elements on my own upbringing and relationship with my mother.

Of course I was being self-indulgent. It isn't a baby of either sex's job to act out its parents' unfulfilled fantasies, whether they're of mother-child bliss, some fluffy pink fantasy of shopping and toenail painting, or your offspring lifting the FA Cup or whatever. And I had my ILs being terribly, terribly disappointed, because they're obsessed with girls - both my SILs are open about the fact that they kept conceiving until they 'got a girl'.

Almost four years on, DS is his fabulous self, and not some element of me, and I couldn't feel luckier to be his mother.

Go easy on yourself, OP. Acknowledge the feelings, and be aware that they'll have passed long before you meet your lovely boy.

Sorry for typos

It's always aim at boys though, very rarely gender disappointment when it involves girls. Boys are underrated.
I can under to a degree how you feel, I have 2 boys

However, I don't recall ever reading on here of anyone being disappointed that they'll never have a son because they only have girls. It would be refreshing to open a gender disappointment thread and find someone actually yearning for a boy for once.

i was convinced my first was a boy so convinced i didn't look at girl names or clothing i didn't get to name my first child because i had no idea what to call her she also spent a bit of time in "boy" clothing my family gave me bags of girly pink stuff i dutifully dressed her in i just didn't feel it at first

2 & 3 were boys in one sense i wished they were more like dd she was easier to get to sleep and more content in general

a friend of mine has had eight boys in a quest for the girl

I agree it always seems to be disappointment with boys.

My mil did say to me she was really relieved when she has dh and dbil because she 'doesn't trust girls' and never wanted daughters. She's the only woman I know who would have been upset if she never had a son.

Its clear from the op that you are just mourning the life you imagined with a girl and you will of course love your sons!
Imagine how your ds will react when you reveal he has a little brother to look after and play with. They will be the best of friends.

There is too much emphasis on a baby's sex sometimes, even if you do imagine life going a certain way with a particular gender child doesn't mean it will work out that way. If my mum imagined living in a pink princess paradise with my and dsis she would be sooo disappointed- we were both extreme tomboys!

YANBU.

I'd have been upset if I only had boys.

If I only had boys and someone offered to replace them with girls, I'd laugh at them.

He's yours. You feel like this because he's not here yet.

I agree that a lot of people secretly have a preference. You can't help how you feel.

I have a DD and after having 4 miscarriages which have happened before and after my DD. I would be very happy to just have another child (Hopefully one day not for a long while yet) but I know I would still have a preference.

I have a DD from Previous relationship and my partner has 2 DD from Previous relationship too so would love a boy and my partner feels this way too he is pretty out numbered!

For us it would also to be able to carry on one of our family names, I am the last in mine and he is the last in his from both our families. If we could carry on at least one more generation at least to give it a chance.

At least by having a son you are carrying on your Husband's family name and it's another chance to carry it on for another generation through their children.

If you were to have a girl though you wouldn't know the joy of having two of the same sex. it is a joy.
What is it about a girl that you think you are missing? I imagined a girl to be a mini me, with the same likes and dislikes. Now out of our three daughters only one fits that description the other two I don't get at all but my DH instantly knows what books they like etc.

Don't feel guilty. You feel how you feel! Don't wallow in it though, focus on your amazing good luck at having two children. Good luck with the birth.

I was also disappointed when I found out the sex of my second DC (who was also definitely our last) at 22 weeks. It didn't really fit with the future I could see ahead. This lasted all of about 3 weeks, i got over it and 4 years later, they are who they are, and I could n't imagine them being anyone else.

YANBU.

We all have hopes and dreams for our future and experience a passing moment of disappointment when they don't happen. You'd probably feel similar if you were rejected for a job that you really wanted, or missed out on a house you'd set your heart on.

But then you pick yourself up, get on with life and make the most of what you do have. When you're holding your new baby in your arms you'll love him with all of your being, just like you did with your first.

Good luck