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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

dp has pissed me off, come and agree with me how U he was.

71 replies

DextersMistress · 03/02/2016 09:43

Background- Dp works full time, I'm a sahm. Morning routine is we all wake at the same time, I take dc downstairs, do their breakfast and make me and dp a cup of tea while he's still upstairs getting ready. I then get myself ready when dc are eating, then finally get them dressed.

I have stomach problems. Dp came down and I was doubled over, he told me I need to go to the doctors again. I said I need to go to the toilet. I took dc's clothes in and told them to start getting dressed then I ran up to the loo. I was about 15 minutes (due to said problems)

Came back down to both dc still in their pjs watching tv, 5 minutes before we were due to leave. Dp was standing with his coat on, waiting to say goodbye to me.

Wtf? Why didn't he just fucking tell them to get changed? Arsebiscuit.

OP posts:

AdoraBell · 03/02/2016 10:51

HWBVU

Hope you get your stomach problems resolved, do you know what the cause is?

Original poster

DextersMistress · 03/02/2016 10:51

It didn't cross my mind to ask him, he was in the same room as the kids when I told them to start getting dressed and my mind was on my sever stomach cramps! I just think he should have been a bit more thoughtful instead of carrying on his day as normal.

OP posts:

sandythesquirrel · 03/02/2016 11:04

Oh dear, it sounds like you dp just wasn't in the right headspace. He does deep down think it is your job and he just wasn't focused on anything other than himself. It is annoying but it is a man thing. It is not an excuse, its just that men can be so dumb sometimes.

You have to tell him how annoyed you were and how selfish he was - how he reacts will determine whether he is an arse or not.

My dh has to be told otherwise he would just forget. Sometime he needs to be told twice or he will forget what I told him. He has his head in the clouds - he has always been absent minded. Unfortunately ds is carbon copy of his dad. It is annoying, but what can I do - I love them to bits!

I established a new routine, where he will get ds washed and dressed in the morning while he gets washed and dressed. He then sends ds all dressed down to breakfast. I went as far as making it clear it is 'His job'.

Canshopwillshop · 03/02/2016 11:14

Catscradle - the OP did say she was doubled over in pain and then had to rush to the loo, no time for niceties and proper communication.

OP - your DH is an arse biscuit! Unfortunately my DH would probably do the same thing though so I guess that makes him one too!

wotoodoo · 03/02/2016 11:15

I don't understand why they can't get dressed by themselves at those ages?

Shoes would need helping with yes, but dc like to be independent and simple clothes they can get on themselves is the way to go, isn't it?!

Surely there are other mums out there whose toddlers were already self dressing?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/02/2016 11:16

My DH would have been exactly the same. Totally self-absorbed, doesn't even consider other people's requirements at times like that.
He'll take the boys out, forgetting drink bottles, nappy bag, hats, you name it. Because they're not relevant to HIM (well the nappy bag would become extremely relevant if required, but ykwim).

Getting the DC dressed isn't part of your DH's remit, his is to just deal with his own shit while you do all the rest. So in his mind, your incapacitation is nothing to do with him - it's your problem, you will be the one to deal with it as normal, why would he get involved?

They need to be told, as you've just discovered, because they can't think outside of their own box. Too self-absorbed, as I said.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 03/02/2016 11:19

I'm sure they could if they really wanted to.

If I want to get out of the house on time in the morning, I need to bodily lift my 5 yo out of bed, stick her on the loo and then dress her. She has zero interest in getting on with it in the morning.

Left to her own devices my 3yo would put something on but would probably ignore what had been left out for her in favour of something of her own creation.

AnnPerkins · 03/02/2016 11:20

If they're like my DS, it's not the dressing themselves that is difficult, it's the getting distracted. DS dresses himself but needs reminding every ten seconds couple of minutes, because he ends up playing with every single thing that catches his eye and forgets what he's supposed to be doing.

Lisasmum3 · 03/02/2016 11:27

DextersM, the hormone link might be something to explore. My only preg symptom was always terrible constipation and I remember reading up at the time and finding that it is common enough.
Your DH was U but mine would do the same unless explicitly told to get dc dressed.

OnlyLovers · 03/02/2016 11:27

Life will be simpler and easier and you will all be happier. I can't speak for the OP, but personally it would not make me happier if I had to keep 'clearly telling' my DP what to do in simple common-sense scenarios all the time.

it is annoying but it is a man thing. It is not an excuse, its just that men can be so dumb sometimes.

Yes, poor men, we can't blame them; they're just so stupid. I mean, it's not like any of them hold down responsible jobs in which intelligence is needed, is it? Oh, hang on...

PegsPigs · 03/02/2016 11:32

You shouldn't have had to tell him how to get his own children ready. Why is it always the mums who get the household going?

But if he was sheepish he's presumably recognised what an arse he was. So YANBU to be annoyed but if he doesn't have form for this I'd cut him some slack.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 03/02/2016 11:40

Toddlers wotoodoo? My 16.3 YEAR old still doesn't self dress...

Hullygully · 03/02/2016 11:41

But OnlyLovers, would it honestly make you happier to be angry and seething with rage fifteen times a day? When you knew it wasn't being done on purpose?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 03/02/2016 11:42

Why is it so difficult to ASK someone, to SPEAK directly to them when you are in the same house? Is it really that much nicer to assume they should guess and sulk because they haven't?

Cats, I have IBS. I'm amazed the OP even had time to throw the clothes at the kids and ask THEM to get dressed. If I had to stop and have the same conversation with my DH (which I wouldn't have to, because he would have seen the kids sitting there and chivvied them along) I would have crapped myself by then. When I have to go, I HAVE to go.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 03/02/2016 11:44

When you knew it wasn't being done on purpose?

I don't you know you ladies, but I find vacuous oblivious dopeyness is SO DAMN SEXY.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 03/02/2016 11:45

I don't know about you ladies* even

Original poster

DextersMistress · 03/02/2016 11:46

I wasn't seething hully, just having a grumble.

And although it's been answered by others, yes they can dress themselves but need a regular kick up the arse nudge in the morning!

OP posts:

Hullygully · 03/02/2016 11:49

No, not you dexter, OnlyLovers

Stumbletrip40 · 03/02/2016 12:09

oh yes obliviousness is so sexy, I agree. Gets my motor running all the time! My DH used to be like this at some point he realised he was being an arse and changed a bit. Hopefully Op's DH has been sweating all day about his arsebiscuit-ness this morning!

Stumbletrip40 · 03/02/2016 12:10

ps yes my 5 yo CAN in theory dress herself but she'd rather do anything else...

OnlyLovers · 03/02/2016 12:44

Hully, I wouldn't be seething fifteen times a day because I'd tear him off a strip once and then it wouldn't happen again.

As for 'When you knew it wasn't being done on purpose?', see darthvader's reply.

Hullygully · 03/02/2016 13:06

Ah, well if the strip tearing works, fab! If it's endemic and unchangeable, a different strategy is required. One works with what one has.

Hullygully · 03/02/2016 13:09

vacuous oblivious dopeyness

No one likes that I, however, am thinking of more absorbed and abstracted than slack-jawed hopelessness.

But perhaps not everyone sees a difference.

OnlyLovers · 03/02/2016 13:14

It's quite hard for me to discuss, TBH, because a) my DP isn't an idiot and b) we don't have kids.

But insofar as I can tell, I am not the kind of person to put up with endemic learned helplessness or egotistical 'meditating on my job's more important than our kids getting dressed' nonsense.

Interesting about 'absorbed and abstracted' versus 'slack-jawed hopelessness'. I think they're sometimes interchangeable, or certainly deployed as though they were (see 'learned helplessnes' above).

goodnightdarthvader1 · 03/02/2016 13:15

Absorbed = he should be "absorbed" in family life. He's not at work yet, why is he allowed to mentally check out?

Abstracted = assuming you mean "distracted", see above.

We're not talking about idiot savants here, solving complex equations and world problems in their heads. Just "idiots".

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