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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To actually be OK with the kids leaving home (shouldn't I be in bits?)

42 replies

BlondeOnATreadmill · 02/02/2016 20:36

I knew the kids would be going off to Uni. I absolutely dreaded it. I mean crying and all sorts!!

Well, DS left last year. DD is going in a few months. Meantime, she has a job nearer to her Dad's work, so she's been staying there a lot.

And. I Am Ok.

WTF?

I have noticed things. The washing basket is always empty. The fridge is always full. There is bread in the bread tin. There is milk! The house is always tidy.

I have thrown myself in to exercise classes and swimming. I am losing weight. I am looking good.

DH and I are having noisy sex.

But.... I feel guilty, because I am not crying! I am preferring to see the positives!

Perhaps this is a self preservation thing? How do other people cope?

Is it wrong that I am choosing to see this as a good thing?

I am 46. DH is 43.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
RJnomore1 · 02/02/2016 20:39

No it's a good thing and it fills me with hope. We wil be almost exactly your ages when our youngest is 18 and goes off to uni. It doesn't bear thinking about right now, she is 11, and I can't stand the thought but perhaps it will be ok after all. When the time comes. Which isn't for ages. And ages.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2016 20:41

When they were younger I looked forward to the day with dread

Now mine are 20 and 16 with no sign of them bogging off on the horizon I am of a different opinion....

junebirthdaygirl · 02/02/2016 20:45

I found they were so excited themselves l got into the whole adventure thing too. Love hearing their stories when they get back and meeting new people they bring with them. Then the empty laundry basket after one wash. Sometimes we have toast as can't believe l don't always have to cook dinner. Yes it's fine.. It's good to have your own stuff going on so you are not sitting in an empty house looking miserable.

Donatellalymanmoss · 02/02/2016 20:45

Sounds like a very healthy attitude you have there, well done!

PreAdvent13610 · 02/02/2016 20:45

Some of my friends have cried when their kids left to go to Uni.
We sent two last year and it was so exciting. They have grown up and have the skills to be independant. Another one got a flat and left, so three out of five left in a year.
It is brilliant. They all still speak to us. It sort of proves we were ok parents.

wickedwaterwitch · 02/02/2016 20:48

Good for you!

I'm not keen on Julie Myerson but she wrote a pice on how much she liked having her house back when her kids had gone and it cheered me.

I am looking forward to less shopping - ds eats like a swarm of locusts - and less tidying and v much to the loud sex! Chizz!

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 02/02/2016 20:50

I too was dreading DS2 leaving for Uni, was awful getting all his stuff ready and packed and the day his dad took him off in the car I expected to sob all day. I was sad and I do miss him but it wasn't the full on sob fest I envisaged, in fact when he visits I cry when when he leaves more than when I did when he left. It has actually made me more prepared for when Ds1 leaves after his uni course (he stayed at home for his) and DH and I are on our own.we are quite looking forward to it as we have realised that the weekends when DS1 is away we relax and enjoy ourselves more and I like going to the loo in the middle of the night without a dressing gown Smile plus the radio is always tuned to DH's station and food stays unmolested in the fridge.

HumphreyCobblers · 02/02/2016 20:50

It makes me wish I had had my children younger - I am nearly 43 and my youngest is two.

It is going to be a long long time before I have bread in the bread bin and an empty washing basket! I am hoping that toys stuffed in the loo will stop happening before he is 18 though.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 02/02/2016 20:52

oh and I don't have that half awake at god o'clock thing waiting to be sure he is home safe and sound on a drinking night Grin

wickedwaterwitch · 02/02/2016 20:53

It's behind the paywall but you get the gist!

www.thesundaytimes.co.uk/sto/style/homes_and_gardens/My_Place/article1451774.ece

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 02/02/2016 20:55

Ds 1 and 2 are at university, I didn't get upset other than a sniff at the first goodbye to Ds1, they're both very happy too which helps.

We still have ds3-16 at home but I hope I won't be any different in a couple of years when he leaves.

Original poster
BlondeOnATreadmill · 02/02/2016 20:57

It's mad isn't it? I am 46, but I am now totally free. I feel too young to be free. DH is on a Police course till Friday. When he gets in, I am going to jump his bones in the kitchen. Couldn't do that before!!

OP posts:
PiperChapstick · 02/02/2016 20:59

YANBU I hope I have that positive attitude! My DD is 2.5 though a long way to go!

TheFairyCaravan · 02/02/2016 21:02

My kids have moved out, sort of. DS1(21) is in the army and DS2(19) is at uni doing nursing.

I will admit I cried buckets when they left and I do love them coming home, but now I am ok with them not being here. We have hardly have any washing, we always have milk and the house is always tidy. We don't always have to have sex in the bedroom either.

I can recommend it!

OutWithTheDogs · 02/02/2016 21:03

The last of my 4 left for Uni last September and I was absolutely fine. My DC4 was quite stressed doing a levels and needed parenting so I thought I'd really miss her when she left but I haven't. I think it's because all my DC are enjoying Uni and haven't been homesick at all. I'm happy for them and leased they are doing something positive with their lives. It would be differ

Uni is a great stepping stone to being a grown up. They are away but they are still supported by the Uni and they still come home for holidays. It's not like they have left for good.

I enjoy my quiet clean house, my full fridge and my small laundry pile.

Savagebeauty · 02/02/2016 21:05

DD at uni. DS here but out a lot.
Divorced ex. Grin
Love it!
Roll on DS going to uni next year.

StillMedusa · 02/02/2016 21:06

I have two gone(girls aged 21 and 24) (both went to Uni, both now in careers quite some distance away) and two at home . Yes I missed them but I soon got used to it Grin and I love it when they visit, but they are adults and I am proud they are living adult lives.

DS1 22...is going to Australia in two weeks, to travel..anything up to a year. I will miss him terribly I think because he has been at home longer, and because I won't KNOW he is safe! But I'm glad he's having the opportunity.

DS2 is 18 and has autism so will probably always live at home...but even he has clubs and social stuff organised and is out a couple of evenings a week...and I LOVE IT !!!!!!

It feels like the natural order of things...I didn't have them to keep forever, and the girls text me once a day to assure me they are still alive :)

Tapirbackrider · 02/02/2016 21:13

You're not alone!

DD went to uni last autumn; she turned 18 in June, got engaged, bought a house and moved out all within the space of a few weeks and I previously thought that I'd be in bits, but I was thrilled for her!

It fully felt as though it was the right and natural thing for her to do. We host them for Sunday lunch/dinner, and it's just lovely to see them both grow and develop.

It's amazing, and you're not wrong to feel this way! Smile

PennyHasNoSurname · 02/02/2016 21:16

Dh and I are 30 and in 17 years our youngest will be of Uni age. I am always fantasising about life when my kids are grown. Not in a 'wish the years away' way just a 'ooooh freedom!' Way.

You describe the exact life I want!

And I will be sorely tempted to encourage dcs into Halls/student accom even if they stay at a local uni.

WizardOfToss · 02/02/2016 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BlondeOnATreadmill · 03/02/2016 08:33

This has been so brilliant to read your replies - thank you so much.

wickedwaterwitch thanks for the article, I am going to read that now, with my morning coffee.

stillmedusa Can your DS text daily from Oz, so you know he is ok? That sounds a bit worrying for you, but he will have a ball, of course.

I'm so glad that others are embracing this phase too. I think I have just shocked myself with the turn around of attitude. I really was in bits at the thought of them leaving. But I thought, stuff that, I'm still young, I should get out there and make the most of this new found freedom. But then I felt guilty! It's great to read that I am not alone in this way of thinking. :-)

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 03/02/2016 08:39

We always had a good relationship, if somewhat fraught during teenage years. However, now both have left home it really is an absolute delight when they come back to visit. And it's wonderful for DH and me to have the house to ourselves.

Can your DS text daily from Oz

I hope not! Both my two went travelling and I wouldn't hear from them for days at a time. I'd hate to think my kids felt they had to reassure me constantly. All part of growing up.

Milliways · 03/02/2016 08:42

I found it odd when DS left as he was youngest and his sister never came back after Uni (got a job, got married etc), especially when he secured a job last summer to start after graduation this year, so won't be coming home properly either.
However, we are doing up the house which is easier when they are not living here. They think it's great that things like double glazing appear after they have gone so they don't benefit, but we couldn't afford it before, and after this summer will have no more Uni rent to subsidise.
It's also great planning weekends away etc without worrying about who will miss us.

gamerchick · 03/02/2016 08:56

No empty nest syndrome here. One down 2 to go. I want my campervan Grin

JugglingFromHereToThere · 03/02/2016 09:51

DD is 16 (Y12) and thinking about Uni options and I'm feeling quite excited for her about it all. Looking forward to going with her on a few more Uni open days in the summer. DS is 14 and also has some ideas what he might like to do though those might still change? Mainly I feel quite excited for them - and occasionally a little bit excited for me too. I have a few ideas for us for when they fly the nest too - such as maybe move somewhere else - get settled in a cosy place by the sea ready for when grandkids come to visit?!