Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask this mum not to help?

60 replies

Cutecat78 · 02/02/2016 00:45

Am having a really hard time with DS1 (18) right now. He's left school and got a job which he has lost and not doing enough to get another job - he's been out of work for a month and not helping around the house and his room is a shit tip.

His dad has little contact with him anymore and is not supportive.

I am having a stressful time at work with redundancy etc.

Thing is tonight I blew as his room is a tip
and he is basically been lounging around doing fuck all all day.

Thing is he just goes to his best mates house where his mum (who seems to constantly have loads of teenagers there and isn't too bothered about her own son not working for the last year) feeds him and lets him stay there and he is kind of getting away with this totally self entitled attitude.

AIBU to ask her to be cruel to be kind and tell DS1 he can't stay there every time he doesn't like the rules here?

She's really really not helping me Sad

OP posts:
lastuseraccount123 · 02/02/2016 18:16

but that's not what atenco said. stop putting words in his/her posts that aren't there.

lastuseraccount123 · 02/02/2016 18:17

usual um, i would if he/she was being lazy, entitled, not helping out, yes.

fusionconfusion · 02/02/2016 18:18

No it's what wotodo said some time ago and I directed my post to wotodoo.

lastuseraccount123 · 02/02/2016 18:19

oookay.

TopHat33 · 02/02/2016 18:22

Fusion you're very lucky to have children who are responding in all the right ways at this stage. No doubt you're a good mum, but sometimes nothing works.

I was a difficult teen. Being told to move out wouldnt've helped. The unconditional support did - even if I didn't acknowledge it at that stage.

OP a month isn't long. The fact he got one job is a good sign he wants to work. I wouldn't tackle the other mum as that sets you against your DS. Could you suggest a time each week where you can sit down together and try and plan job applications - ask him to be in every Tuesday night for a couple of hours together? Tell him you'd like to speak about what his plans are? So it feels less as if he's being nagged and you don't feel you need to be constantly asking him when you're stressed - sorry to hear you're having a tough time at work - but have a focused time for proper chats about it. You can go through job applications and point out that he does need to be earning to live.

Why did he lose the job?

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 02/02/2016 18:33

It was a shop job a load of them got laid off after Xmas.

I need him to work as I am struggling to support us.

He just REFUSES to get this and has refused to answer my calls and is being very dismissive today, treating me like shit like his dad has for years Angry and only communicating via text - I have lost my temper and after he ignored my offer of dinner said don't come back until you are capable of showing some respect.

Not sure if I meant it and it's via text - but it's like he's calling the shots Angry

OP posts:
clam · 02/02/2016 18:44

I'd say, pick your battles here. So, for instance, if his room's a tip, shut the door and let him wallow in it. I would expect him to clear up after himself in communal areas, however, that affect others.

Shallishanti · 02/02/2016 18:50

if his dad treated you like shit, that may be a factor
is it possible he's thinking (maybe not consciously)
OK I'm a man now, so how do men treat the women they live with? ah yes, I remember how dad was, that's what I'll do

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 02/02/2016 18:55

He's treated me like shit since he met his 2nd wife 8 yrs ago.

He was lovely when we were together but DS was only 9 then.

OP posts:
NotnowNigel · 02/02/2016 19:27

OP, I know, believe me, how hard this can be Smile

My advice would be to hang on in there. Look at the visits to friend's mum as a welcome break.

Otherwise try to help him. Drive him round, past a few companies that offer apprenticeships. Give him the info about apprenticeships. Sit down with him and talk through options. Offer to go with him to get a bit of info from a careers advisor.

Take him to your nearest uni city and point out the students and the great time they are having.

Absolutely anything he takes an interest in, encourage and enable it.

You need to get him caring about his future and engaging him in what he's going to do with his life.

I think ds's often need a bit more growing up time. The main thing is to preserve your relationship with him while he's driving you to distraction and to be able to look back on this time as a bonus before he eventually went out in the world. And, he will be leaving soon.

(Also look after yourself!)

New posts on this thread. Refresh page