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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask this mum not to help?

60 replies

Cutecat78 · 02/02/2016 00:45

Am having a really hard time with DS1 (18) right now. He's left school and got a job which he has lost and not doing enough to get another job - he's been out of work for a month and not helping around the house and his room is a shit tip.

His dad has little contact with him anymore and is not supportive.

I am having a stressful time at work with redundancy etc.

Thing is tonight I blew as his room is a tip
and he is basically been lounging around doing fuck all all day.

Thing is he just goes to his best mates house where his mum (who seems to constantly have loads of teenagers there and isn't too bothered about her own son not working for the last year) feeds him and lets him stay there and he is kind of getting away with this totally self entitled attitude.

AIBU to ask her to be cruel to be kind and tell DS1 he can't stay there every time he doesn't like the rules here?

She's really really not helping me Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 02/02/2016 10:11

All the kids have always had jobs to do. DS1 has always been a bit directionless tbh but when he did have a job he worked hard but was laid off.

I am quite clear about what I expect them all to do and there is a list of jobs written on a board in the kitchen. My 16 yr old is at 6th form and has 2 part-time jobs and has been brought up in exactly the same household.

He is expected to do his own washing but will leave it in the machine and disappear for days meaning I either hand it out in order to be able to use the machine or he goes to the expense of washing it again.

The problem is I am not there to physically enforce things because I am working.

He is with the job centre but not yet received JSA not that I want him to see this as a long term solution anyway.

I do encourage and support him in getting a job and where possible I will give him a lift to an interview but no where else.

He wears trainers eye which I have asked him not to and when he heard nothing from interview he doesn't phone for feedback.

I guess I just feel a bit one and frustrated in all this that I now have this adult to support and have obvs taken a financial hit with him now being NEET - and I don't have a money tree in my garden.

I don't think I am a terrible parent or "manipulating" him to do what I want! Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 02/02/2016 10:13

Sorry loads of typos - hang out and lonely and frustrated!!!

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 02/02/2016 10:13

My nearly 18yr old works better if we do things together so she will help with dinner or I/dhbwill help her with dinner that kind of thing she is capable but sometimes a bit of motivation rather than do xyz gets better results

ifonly4 · 02/02/2016 10:15

As others have said, he's an adult and you can't stop him visiting friends(or really ask the other Mum to not make him welcome).

As others have said, talk to him calmly and point out you recognize he's an adult but with that comes responsibilities. Give him the opportunity to talk to you about any support he needs or anything that's worrying him - he then knows your not totally against him. However, if he's under your roof he needs to contribute a minimum of £20/30 a week (whether from working or benefits) and do some household jobs - laundry (for everyone) and cook/make lunch on a regular basis. If you come home and he hasn't done his jobs, do your own things but not his!

wotoodoo · 02/02/2016 10:15

Stealth boasting Fusion? I think it is normal!

Stealth boasting to me would be when the son does everything for the mum and she doesn't have to lift a finger!!!

Hmm
Original poster
Cutecat78 · 02/02/2016 10:18

I do normally have a good relationship with him but this situation has really strained it - I am quite good with teens as I work with them but when they are in your own home and your own child it adds another emotional dimension.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 02/02/2016 10:20

Being laid off must have hit him hard is he agressive towards you op or just stroppy

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 02/02/2016 10:23

He's not aggressive he's very gentle - "entitled" is the word I would use.

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 02/02/2016 10:23

grrrrrrrrrr - bloody interfering parents!! not even sure if they were well meaning but i had similar with dd1. She was 15 and a lazy bint. i had a new baby and pnd so yeah i was a bit shouty!! She regaled her boyfriends mother with stories of woe then one day didn't come home from school. The mother informed me dd had moved in with them. having bought dd new hair straighteners as i had confiscated hers because she kept leaving them on Angry We had to call the police in the end and as dd refused to come home. They said whilst they couldn't force her home she wasn't to stay there as her bf was 17. i said fine call social services she can go there but in the end dd agreed to go to stay at my friend's house for the night. Fortunately it all worked out fine and dd dumped the boy after a bit but this woman caused so much trouble with her interference dressed up as well meaning concern. it still causes me anxiety thinking about it ten years on.

Dd is now a lovely 25yo with a good job.nice flat etc. took a while though!!

PageStillNotFound404 · 02/02/2016 10:24

If you know the other mum well enough to ask for her help, could she do it in a more subtle way e.g. would she be happy to ask him how the job hunting is going and offer to help him with his CV etc? If the mum of any of my stepson's friends were in a similar position, I'd be happy to support her without letting on to the son that it had originated from his mum IYSWIM. That way he'd either get practical adult-to-adult help that he doesn't see as "mum nagging" and might actually help him get another job, or her house would no longer be the cosy escape from the real world he's using it as and he might spend more time under your roof and your influence as a result.

Saracen · 02/02/2016 10:30

I don't think it's reasonable for you to ask the other mum to stop looking after your son. He isn't a small child anymore.

You can still have an influence on his behaviour. Presumably there are other things he needs and wants from you which he won't get elsewhere. The friend's mum isn't going to want him to move in full-time, pay all his bills, clear up after him, drive him to interviews, and be there for him when his gf/bf dumps him or he is in some other emotional crisis. You're still his mum. He might not seem to be noticing that at the moment and he isn't behaving very well, but he does know you love him and he will get his act together eventually.

I doubt this other family is really driving a wedge between you or making the situation any worse.

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 02/02/2016 10:33

I don't feel it's driving a wedge - I feel it's enabling him to avoid the reality of his situation.

OP posts:
tiggytape · 02/02/2016 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsJayy · 02/02/2016 10:37

Do you know the mum well what do you think she would say if you sad anything? TBh if it was 1 of mine it woulddrive me nuts too

jacks11 · 02/02/2016 10:58

As others have said, your son is 18 years old and you don't have any control over where he goes or who he sees. Your real problem isn't this other mum- it is with your son and that is what you need to address.

You might not be able to stop your son staying with his friend but you do have the right to decide what happens in your house and what you will and will not pay for. I would sit your son down and explain that he needs to do his share around the house and that sitting around doing nothing while you run around after him and also support him financially is not an option- he needs to either get a job, or start a college course or look into an apprenticeship or something. He is an adult now, and he does need to take responsibility for himself. You need to help him to see that by not indulging him and supporting him as you would a child.

Give him specific tasks you expect him to complete in terms of housework chores etc- and set out consequences to not doing these things. If he is not contributing financially or helping around the house then do not do his washing/cooking etc and only supply the basics - e.g. soap, toothpaste etc- (but not luxury brands, just basics) and that is it. So do not pay for new clothes/shoes/pay for mobile phone/socialising etc. And stick to it, no exceptions for "special occasions" or because you feel sorry for him. If he can live quite comfortably with you, well-fed, clothed and having money to socialise then where is the incentive to change?

Set a time frame by which you expect him to have addressed his work/study situation adequately. If he has not done this, then you have to get tough- you expect him to sign-on (he should be doing this already) and give you a proportion of that to go towards his keep (again should be doing this already). He has to show adequate effort to get a job or whatever he plans to do, or he has to find a way to support himself because you won't. Getting that job/apprenticeship or starting that college course has to become a better option than lazing around doing nothing.

wotoodoo · 02/02/2016 11:35

If you had a spare room you could let it out to get extra income so let your son know that, also he will HAVE to help out with the finances and around the home or he can go and live with his friend!

Sorry for your redundancy. This is a perfect time to change things for the better op.

I can't bear it when dc are not pulled up on selfish, entitled, inconsiderate behaviour no matter what the age.

Zero tolerance. Do whatever it takes op, he sounds very disrespectful at the moment and you deserve kindness and consideration.

Flowers Chocolate

Atenco · 02/02/2016 14:37

I was a lot like your son, OP, and if I'd been allowed to continue like that I'm not sure I would have got my act together. Really a child living at home has no idea of the cost of things or the value of money. I was kicked out, though not nastily, and it taught me to stand on my own two feet.

lastuseraccount123 · 02/02/2016 16:26

I'm with Atenco. I was a VERY immature 17 year old, 18 year old, but imo some personal growth only really happens with facing reality, which I was forced to do once I left home. And yeah I made mistakes. but I learnt from them and didn't make them again, right? He is old enough to go out on his own imo...

Original poster
Cutecat78 · 02/02/2016 16:48

How can he live on his own?

He doesn't even have a job ....

OP posts:
lastuseraccount123 · 02/02/2016 16:49

neither did i when i left home.

fusionconfusion · 02/02/2016 17:55

What's normal is a bit of balance, wotodo. We're all a bit lazy, selfish, irresponsible and entitled sometimes. And ideally we don't get chucked out of loving relationships every time we are a bit out of sync or aren't perfect.

I'm really not a fan of zero tolerance at any age. It can build compliance, sure - but it often backfires. Not always, but often.

And you know, if this was an ongoing pattern in a household with no boundaries, I'd agree with you - it would be fine to take drastic action. Not hearing that here.

Atenco · 02/02/2016 18:04

Telling an adult offspring to become independent is not chucking them out of loving relationships. My mother continued to love me after I became independent, obviously.

Anyway, I am really not saying OP that you necessarily should ask your son to move out, just that it is an option.

lastuseraccount123 · 02/02/2016 18:05

^^ that

usual · 02/02/2016 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fusionconfusion · 02/02/2016 18:15

No Atenco, but"telling" an adult offspring to become independent by gathering up all their belongings in black bags and dumping them in the garage and/or changing the locks because they've been a bit of a lazy bum after they'd been unemployed for a month isn't the most loving sort of response to a bit of conflict.