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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Try For A Baby

42 replies

noseynoser · 02/02/2016 00:37

I'm in my early twenties and my DP and I have been together for 16 months, we rent a flat and have lived together our whole relationship. He is 18yrs older than me, divorced with kids. We are engaged.

I have mental health issues and have been on meds for 5 years. My father also has bi-polar and anxiety.

He constantly tells me if I ever get pregnant he will disown me and has always said this. I never mention wanting children to him but he always says this. I am in no doubt he is serious. Until 2 years ago he controlled every aspect of my life. We have an ok relationship now.

If I do anything he doesn't like he often tells me ive ruined his life and will tell me he's going to kill himself.

The problem is he is the only family I have, I have no extended family and estranged from my mother since 14.

AIBU to try for a baby (happy, financially stable) at the risk of losing the only family member I have?

OP posts:

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/02/2016 00:41

Ynbu. At all. You can't compare the need for a baby and to mother to any other need.
You do want a baby and he doesn't, well. He has the simple solution in his hands or rather his trousers. He should stop dipping his wick.

Original poster

noseynoser · 02/02/2016 00:47

Just to confirm... Its my father who doesn't want me to have a child. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

OP posts:

Scoopmuckdizzy · 02/02/2016 00:48

Do you think you would regret NOT having a baby just to keep your father happy? There's your answer.

DisappointedOne · 02/02/2016 00:50

Does your partner want a baby? I have to say I wouldn't even be considering it in your position at the moment!

Original poster

noseynoser · 02/02/2016 01:01

Yes my partner would love to.

Just to add I recently had an internal ultrasound as it was suspected I had polycystic ovaries.

When I told my father what I was going to hospital for his reply was " Good. You shouldn't be thinking about having children anyway".

Can I ask why disappointedone? Length of relationship? Age?

I'm not even necessarily talking about right now, but in the near future. I know he'll never be ok with it and I don't know if I want to lose the only family member I have.

OP posts:

OutWithTheDogs · 02/02/2016 01:07

I think you should wait until you have kids, not because of you father but because of your age, your mental health and the fact that you haven't been with your fiancé for long. There is no rush. I think you should spend time enjoying and developing your relationship with your partner. You've obviously had a rocky time growing up so I'd suggest you take time for yourself now.

I would carry on with your dad as you are but gradually try and distance yourself from him. Not completely but to a manageable degree.

OutWithTheDogs · 02/02/2016 01:14

Having a baby is wonderful but it's hard mentally as well as physically. If you have struggled with mental health I think it would be wise to wait a few years so that you have time to feel really settled. There are plenty of people with MH issues that make wonderful parents so it's not to say it can't be done but for now I don't understand the urgent rush.

Do you have a career or are you a student or apprentice?

EllieJayJay · 02/02/2016 01:26

If you are in a stable relationship with a good doctor and feel confident you can have a child then there is no reason not too

My only experience of bipolar is my brother, I don't have this condition because it runs in his side of the family (he is my half brother - only in a genetic sense) if you have good medical help as you have to decide on medication during your pregnancy - why shouldn't you be a mother? I see no reason why

But talk to medical professionals first

EllieJayJay · 02/02/2016 01:27

And quite frankly your father sounds very naive in today's world.

Original poster

noseynoser · 02/02/2016 05:29

Thank you for your replies and advice.

OP posts:

1AngelicFruitCake · 02/02/2016 06:28

I would wait if I were you. Your partner presumably pays maintenance for his children - how would you both be financially? It's not all about money but it's good to have some savings set aside.

You've not been together for that long. Take time to develop your relationship and do the things you'd like to do now. Having a baby puts a strain on your relationship and it'd be a good idea to enjoy being the two of you before you become a three.

AlwaysHopeful1 · 02/02/2016 06:34

I too agree with OutWith. You are very young, your relationship is still new, and your partner seems to have quite a set up there. You also need to work through not being so affected by what your father says.

Notso · 02/02/2016 07:05

I think you should wait regardless of your Father. 16 months is not a very long relationship and you sound vulnerable.
Our first child was born just before we had been a couple for two years. Whilst we love and adore our Daughter (and her three brothers who followed) we did miss out on a lot of 'couple time' and our relationship was growing as we were learning to be parents. It was very difficult at times, we were both young. We both had the benefit of having supportive families and even with this I have never felt as isolated as I have done as a parent.
Make the most of your new relationship, have fun and grow stronger together. You say you are financially stable, so take full advantage of that and enjoy yourselves for a while.

Towardsthesun · 02/02/2016 07:11

I also think you should wait. When you are older you will look back on your child-free couple time and wish you had made more of it. It is a precious time. Bringing children into the mix changes the dynamic. You are very young and have plenty of time for babies. Why don't you study or work and save first? Have a plan if that helps.

Oysterbabe · 02/02/2016 07:12

Why not get married first seeing as you're engaged? It's a good way of protecting yourself a bit of things don't work out. There's no hurry to have kids.

Towardsthesun · 02/02/2016 07:13

I agree that you sound vulnerable, so young and on meds, with an older man and no family support. Take care.

NeedACleverNN · 02/02/2016 07:24

Let's forget about your dad for a moment.

He's not the issue. At the end of the day it's your life and he has no say.

Do you feel you could cope with a baby? They are hard work. Much harder than anyone thinks. Pregnancy is not a breeze either. I found pregnancy a nightmare and 11 months down the line I am still suffering from the after effects.

Is your relationship stable? Are you both 100% happy on your relationship? I fell pregnant with my husband 4 months after we got together. We both wanted kids despite being early twenties like you, and whilst we never regret our children, sometimes we wish we had waited and had more couple time. Are you ready to give up all that couple time? Especially if you have no outside help?

Have you decided how you will manage financially when the baby is here?

If you can answer all those questions with a positive and confident answer then go for it! You would be monitored closely by midwives as obviously your medication may change so be aware of that.

Your dad....like I said he cannot control your life. It could go two ways with him. He could fall out with you and you could lose him forever. Or he could sulk and eventually come round and love his grandchild. Until you know for sure you have to assume you could lose your dad.
But you WILL lose him one day. Would you want to look back and say I wish I had had that baby instead of pandering to my father?

OTheHugeManatee · 02/02/2016 07:38

Am I the only one who thinks getting away from a very controlling father only to move straight in with a man 18 years your senior may mean you haven't escaped quite as far as you thought?

I say don't try for a baby. Not because your father told you not to, but because you still aren't independent - you've just landed with a different father figure man. And once you're pregnant you are far, far more dependent and vulnerable.

Do you work? What do you do? Work on that, and building up your independent life, rather than jumping straight into a new set of ties and responsibilities. If your DP is a good 'un - and there's no reason to suspect he isn't purely based on the age gap - he will support you in developing your career and independence and won't want you to rush into anything either. OTOH if there is even a hint of pressure from him to TTC I suggest you run like the wind.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 02/02/2016 07:40

Sixteen months is nothing in terms if a relationship, if y were my daughter I'd advise you to wait at least another few years until married and stable. Your meds throw another side to it, for some having a child is too much to cope with as they can't manage the sleepless nights etc so you need to ensure you can cope.

What happens if you split, does your salary cover the cost of yourself, a child and childcare?

Dreamonastar · 02/02/2016 07:44

I bloody hate being pregnant too, but babies aren't that bad in terms of work but toddlers are

Reading posts like the one above, it's a wonder anybody has a child.

I do think OP should wait for other reasons but not because pregnancy is horrendous (it is for me but everyone's different and I've known women who haven't had so much as a wave of nausea) and babies are hard work.

That's not going to change, is it?

Dreamonastar · 02/02/2016 07:44

That's a really good point Manatee in fact.

CocktailQueen · 02/02/2016 07:56

16 months is a very short time to be with someone. I think in view of your mh issues,length of relationship, I would wait.

What does your your dp want? Does he want to start again if he has grown up kids?

It's a big age difference too - is he a father figure? If you have a very controlling dad, it sounds like you've jumped from the fring pan into the fire... Why have you lived together since you got together?

I'd spend some time just enjoying life and being young before thinking about having dc. You may regret it if you have a baby now - child-free time is precious!

Your dad. It's none of his business if you have a baby. He won't kill himself. That's horrible of him to say that. I'd suggest counselling to pick through your feelings about him and perhaps relationships as a whole. If your relationship is ok now, carry on as you are, but he doesn't get to have a say in your procreation!

Original poster

noseynoser · 02/02/2016 08:06

Thank you again for all your replies. Is there not a way I can delete my thread on here?

I moved straight in with him because I was street homeless after dad made me leave. He didn't make me move in with him.

My partner is self employed and I usually get the appointments with clients for him/ design and maintain his website etc. I am on ESA support group.

My partner always asks me to come off the pill, but I understand because he's older he doesn't want to be a really old dad. I'm 22, he's 40.

OP posts:

Peevedquitter · 02/02/2016 08:06

I also think you should wait.

I have no idea how much your MH issues affect you but my sister has bipolar and having seen what she has been through you need to be really as well as is humanly possible for you.

What is you BF actually like ? because though age gap relationships certainly can work out I'm with other posters on your age gap situation. Your post reminds me of a young woman I know who has MH issues and a much older BF. He is certainly not abusive in the worst possible sense but he is a bit controlling. I don't know her very well but some of the things she says worry me and I have pointed out what is wrong. She mistakes his controlling ways as caring for her.

As to men wanting DC very quickly, that in itself does not always mean they adore you as it is a form of control.

Your Fathers behaviour is actually irrelevant as are his threats it's actually everything else that I find concerning.

Peevedquitter · 02/02/2016 08:09

You were homeless so incredibly vulnerable

He keeps pressurising you to come off the pill

You may be breaking the terms of your benefits by working for your partner when in the support group of ESA. This group of people are deemed unable to work at all. My sister is in this group.

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