To Try For A Baby

[noseynoser]

I'm in my early twenties and my DP and I have been together for 16 months, we rent a flat and have lived together our whole relationship. He is 18yrs older than me, divorced with kids. We are engaged.

I have mental health issues and have been on meds for 5 years. My father also has bi-polar and anxiety.

He constantly tells me if I ever get pregnant he will disown me and has always said this. I never mention wanting children to him but he always says this. I am in no doubt he is serious. Until 2 years ago he controlled every aspect of my life. We have an ok relationship now.

If I do anything he doesn't like he often tells me ive ruined his life and will tell me he's going to kill himself.

The problem is he is the only family I have, I have no extended family and estranged from my mother since 14.

AIBU to try for a baby (happy, financially stable) at the risk of losing the only family member I have?

Not a chance I'd get pregnant given the new info, your house and job are all tied up with him and he could kick you out as soon as he gets the child he wants. He could also play nasty and say your meds mean he should get residency.

Find a back up plan first, a job away from him and savings.

Hi noseynoser. I think you have done quite well considering your family problems. The thing to consider about having a baby is the hormonal changes that will occur in your body, and the possibility of post natal depression. As you are already on meds these may need adjusting as well.

It might be wise to discuss this with your GP or mental health worker before you decide whether to go ahead with a pregnancy at this stage. Anyway, good luck and I hope everything works out well for you.

You are very vulnerable op and your update clearly shows that. This man has done everything for you and just as easily leave you. You are wholly dependent on him and that's not a good place to be. You're only 22, so young with so much more to achieve before settling down with a baby. You really need to make sure that you have your own independent two feet to stand on first.

In your circumstances there is no way I would try for a baby. I do think you need to have a hard look at your current relationship & think if you honestly would be with this man if your life when you moved in with him had been different.

I think 16 months is no time in a relationship. I would give it at least another year until it know him better. Only come off the pill if you want to, don't let anyone else pressurise you.

You would also be well advised to get preconception counselling from a perinatal specialist as with bipolar in the family and your own vulnerabilities, you would be very high risk for severe PND and if you have any tendency to bipolar yourself, possibly also post-partum psychosis.

The surest way to remain mentally well after having a baby is to have a really strong support network. I would say given the events you've been through, for your own benefit and that of your future baby you need to get a lot more in place before beginning a family.

What is dps relationship like with his own kids?

Sorry OP. The fact that you're polling a bunch of strangers and taking your father's opinion into consideration speaks volumes about your maturity and level of independence.

You need to take time to work on You before bringing another life into the equation.

I think you have had a lot to deal with over the past few years and are still extremely vulnerable. I echo what others have said - take some time for you. Work on your career, build yourself a strong support network and get some savings in your name. If your dp truly loves you he'll stop pressuring you and will want you to be strong and independent. If he's the type of man who needs to be in charge and have a woman dependent on him, then he's not one to make a life with.

The ESA support website says: "If you’ve been put in the support group, it means the DWP has decided that you can’t work and that it doesn’t expect you to do anything to improve your chances of finding work.

However, if you’re in this group and decide that you want to take part in work-related activity anyway, you can do. Use the contact details on your decision letter to let the DWP know you want to do this. They’ll let you know if there’s any suitable work-related activity going on in your area that you can join."

So you might well be on dodgy ground working for your dp.

Agree that pressuring you to come off the pill is extremely worrying. I'd wait. Just wait. If it means your h is an 'older dad' then so be it. Your needs are more important.

If your dp truly loves you he'll stop pressuring you and will want you to be strong and independent. If he's the type of man who needs to be in charge and have a woman dependent on him, then he's not one to make a life with.

Exactly this. DH was 36 when we met (I'm about 9 years younger than he is, so I'm not anti age gaps) and several years older when we married, and he still didn't pressure me about TTC because we're equal partners and he respects me. I'm pg now and he'll be 45 when the baby is born. So what?

I'd be very concerned that if you got pregnant with this man you'd slip right back into a situation where you were entirely dependent on a man for affection, money, stability and a roof over your head and so was your baby. That's a recipe for very unhealthy dynamics, and far too close for comfort to being a repeat of the situation you grew up in.

Based on the new information you've given I'd say absolutely do not try for a baby right now with this man. If he loves and respects you, he'll stop with the pressure. If he just wants a compliant, dependent 'little woman' he's no good for you and shackling yourself to him by means of a child will be disastrous.

I was in a big age gap relationship some years back, at a similar age to you, had major MH issues, and the guy was really pressuring me to have a baby. He was very very controlling in many other ways, and emotionally and mentally I wasn't ready. I decided to wait, so glad I did. Now with a lovely guy, MH issues all behind me, and a lovely baby.

I'd advise you to wait till you're a bit more stable. I can't pass judgement on your relationship, but it is early days, and you are still very young. Give it a year or two, work on getting a good support network, some financial independence, then think about it.

YABU to try for a baby in this relationship. He will run a mile. Better to be own your own now and leave him in the hope you can have a baby with a man who wants the same things as you X

How worrying that your partner is pressurizing you to come off the pill because he doesn't want to be an older Dad. It doesn't sound like he is putting your needs or your 'future' children first.

How old are you partners DC? You don't think he is using you to try and prove something. It seems strange for him to be wanting children so quickly in a new relationship. It strikes me as controlling.

I really think you need to do something for yourself. How about some online IT courses to help with you web design? I know you can't work now but maybe later on. It will help give you the feeling on independence.

Maybe you are already qualified or have a degree - if that's the case perhaps you could take further more advanced courses.

Thank you every one. I'm going to find it too hard to reply to all of you. But thank you, ive taken on board everything said.

Good luck anyway Nosey - it sounds like you've made amazing steps towards getting yourself sorted under really difficult circumstances. Nobody can say if you should have a baby but it seems like you could give it a little longer maybe? Apart from anything else you should treasure the pre-baby years of your marriage.

Good luck from me too.

Look after yourself and be strong.

The best thing you can give your future kids is a happy and healthy Mum. Don't let others pressurise you.