AIBU to be crushed by this assignment written by my DS...

[CallMeExhausted]

... but feel so totally helpless trying to find ways to help him?

He asked me to print this monologue he had to write for his Dramatic Arts class. I read it, too. I know he is fighting depression and anxiety in a huge way, but this was just so raw (and not something he has been able to say to me personally).

Here it is. And so you are aware - he said I could share it.

"What makes me unable to go out and enjoy the world? Well, I really don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact that the world isn’t meant to be enjoyed? The fact that I don’t have a single reason to find life enjoyable? Or maybe it’s just that special little mix of anxiety, depression, and self-hatred that make me terrified to leave the safety of my bed, but also guilty for staying there.

But no, the world is such a wonderful place when you go out and see it, isn’t it? The beautiful graffiti stained alleys downtown, and the sewage-polluted river? The throngs of people who seem to only exist to judge and hate the people they don’t understand. It’s almost like someone might not want to go into a building filled with thousands of people who hate, harass, and hurt the people they don’t understand.

But no, the world is such a beautiful place. It’s just an issue with you if you don’t want to go out and experience it for yourself, isn’t it? You’re broken if you don’t want to go explore the messed up shit-stain of a world we live in, it’s so special. It’s not like looking out at the world and deciding ‘I’d rather not,’ is an option we’d be allowed to choose. That would be so very wrong to do. It wouldn’t be good for society as a whole.

What if I don’t CARE about society as a whole? Why should I? Society at large doesn’t give a single care about me, why should I pay it the mind to care about it? I mean, it would be hilarious if I could just go around day to day and smile and pay mind to the way that every single person I run in to feels, while they push me to the ground and kick me. I should forgive and love all the people that hurt me, because god forbid that I fight back! If I were to fight back, why, that would just make me as bad as they are. I should tell someone responsible, so they can tell me to deal with my own issues. That is, until I do deal with my own issues. That would be so utterly wrong of me to do.

All I feel like my life is a series of rings of a bell. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong."

How can I reach out to him? Wise MNers... I need your advice.

I hate to say it, but isn't this just standard teen angst?
My DD has just turned 18 and she doesn't feel like this.
Not at all.
So, no, I don't think it is 'standard'
Everyone is different and everyone copes in different ways.
I know if my DD had written something like that, I would have exactly the same reaction as the OP.
It's sad and moving and it would worry me massively.

When I was 17/18 I was working 3 jobs. Out on a Friday, Saturday and Sunday night clubbing. Every other night of the week I was doing my hobby, teaching my hobby or working in a pub.
I was happy to get up every morning and get going.

OPs son. Keep writing, keep getting your feelings out there. You are truly a talented writer.

It sort of depends how you look at teenage angst though.. and, come to think of it, anxiety and depression.

It is a very tricky thing. Looking back I quite definitely met criteria for at least moderate and possibly severe depression and anxiety throughout good portions of my teens and again in university, but I was never diagnosed with it as a "medical illness". I did seek help with it, but where I lived, there wasn't this emphasis on it as an illness and I for one am grateful for this.

I had talk therapy but the therapy wasn't about how I "had" something outside of my control or "was" depressed or "was" anxious. The talk therapy helped hugely, I got on with life, all was good again.

The problem at the moment is that in our (understandable, noble, essential) desire to support all people who suffer there has been a major rush to label experiences as illness/pathology, when people have always suffered quite seriously and substantially when they really probe into some of these questions about what life really is.

A lot of the newer therapies are very keen to look at how NORMAL it can be in many cases to have periods of your life where everything feels meaningless and shit, and how taking some time to really explore this and give yourself space is not an illness and there can be great value in it - Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Compassion Focused Therapy etc. In some ways many people argue it's been socially constructed as this because we have an unrealistic cultural expectation that people shouldn't think about these things or feel these feelings.

I like this little clip here:

And incidentally research is increasingly showing that in countries where these experiences are seen as temporary and common to many humans, there is a better recovery rate. Did you know that in the developing world, there is a higher rate of recovery from these conditions than in more developed countries? A lot of people are wondering if this is because when you are given a diagnosis it is hard to see beyond that and it becomes all-encompassing.

Not suggesting this is "true" but something to think about, maybe?

Wow just wow, what a fabulous piece of writing. I'm not an expert in writing (or mental health) but I do read a huge amount and this piece of writing transported me into a different world.
I have no advice for you but hope all goes well for him and that he continues to write.

I found Matt haigs book really trite, sorry.
Your son can write better then he can! I think a blog would be a good idea.
It doesn't sound like teenage angst to me, either but that doesn't mean he won't feel better eventually.
X

I think that piece is so good. MY DD (19 now) had depression and went to see a counsellor for depression through CAMHS for a couple of years, she's on a low dose of ADs and she was eventually diagnosed with ASD (Asperger's). She sounds a lot like your DS. She's doing so much better now.

He is receiving treatment op so you and he are dealing with his anxiety and depression in the best way. And I too think that although it's painful to read from your perspective, it's a very positive thing indeed that he's writing down (exceptionally well, as it happens) his feelings and continuing to communicate in some way.

It's not the same as I'd never have said I was depressed as a teenager, but I had some very dark times and writing got me through it. My best pieces have always been written in darker times - partly because I rarely write when I am happy and these days I'm one of those unbearable optimists. When I did write, I was very 'private' and would only share with my mum and English teacher. I wasn't one for displays of emotion and rarely spoke about my feelings.

Writing is cathartic. Please encourage your ds to continue. He's very talented and I think it will help him. I wish you both all the best - you're clearly a very caring and supportive parent.

Its typical teenage angst. Well written and byronic in places. Sensitive youngsters often go through this phase.

Reading that I can't see any reason why he shouldn't be writing for a proper publication...it's a lot better than some of the stuff I read in the Guardian.
I sympathise hugely with him, I was very depressed when I was a teenager. He's right - there is no good, rational reason to want to live in this world.

It came down to a choice for me of jack it in, or take the few good things I could access and make the most of it.

he's a clever boy.

Love that video, fusion!

Thanks for your reply OP
If he finds typing easier and thinks journaling might help there's a great website called
750 Words that he might like. It's all private and anonymous.
slightly envious of typing speed

That's OK - I am too. I sit about 40-50 wpm myself, and practice at every opportunity to get it higher.

My youngest (then 10) wrote a piece of fiction about his severely autistic brother that well & truly set the cat amongst the pigeons at school. I already knew he was struggling but took it as extra evidence & tried to put in things to help. Like your son's piece it was very moving & well written but also a cry for help.

Can you ask your son about the sort of support he might want? I was able to use my (much younger I know) son's story as a starting point to discuss his fears. Some I didn't know he had (& were unfounded) & we were able to address those via his story.