AIBU to be crushed by this assignment written by my DS...

[CallMeExhausted]

... but feel so totally helpless trying to find ways to help him?

He asked me to print this monologue he had to write for his Dramatic Arts class. I read it, too. I know he is fighting depression and anxiety in a huge way, but this was just so raw (and not something he has been able to say to me personally).

Here it is. And so you are aware - he said I could share it.

"What makes me unable to go out and enjoy the world? Well, I really don’t know. Maybe it’s the fact that the world isn’t meant to be enjoyed? The fact that I don’t have a single reason to find life enjoyable? Or maybe it’s just that special little mix of anxiety, depression, and self-hatred that make me terrified to leave the safety of my bed, but also guilty for staying there.

But no, the world is such a wonderful place when you go out and see it, isn’t it? The beautiful graffiti stained alleys downtown, and the sewage-polluted river? The throngs of people who seem to only exist to judge and hate the people they don’t understand. It’s almost like someone might not want to go into a building filled with thousands of people who hate, harass, and hurt the people they don’t understand.

But no, the world is such a beautiful place. It’s just an issue with you if you don’t want to go out and experience it for yourself, isn’t it? You’re broken if you don’t want to go explore the messed up shit-stain of a world we live in, it’s so special. It’s not like looking out at the world and deciding ‘I’d rather not,’ is an option we’d be allowed to choose. That would be so very wrong to do. It wouldn’t be good for society as a whole.

What if I don’t CARE about society as a whole? Why should I? Society at large doesn’t give a single care about me, why should I pay it the mind to care about it? I mean, it would be hilarious if I could just go around day to day and smile and pay mind to the way that every single person I run in to feels, while they push me to the ground and kick me. I should forgive and love all the people that hurt me, because god forbid that I fight back! If I were to fight back, why, that would just make me as bad as they are. I should tell someone responsible, so they can tell me to deal with my own issues. That is, until I do deal with my own issues. That would be so utterly wrong of me to do.

All I feel like my life is a series of rings of a bell. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong."

How can I reach out to him? Wise MNers... I need your advice.

I can relate so much to what he's written. If I was having a conversation with him I'd say something along the lines of, I keep going for the people who aren't complete ignorant morons - they do exist. There are others out there feeling like he does. Give it time.

I'd also mention the starfish story ... it's ludicrously cheesy but there is a truth in it I try to remember.

Um, also, with relation to the last paragraph... he needs to feel listened to, to know it's ok to be pissed off, or hurt or whatever. There's a sort of tick-box streamlined self-help CBT mindful blah blah thing going on in mental health care that doesn't scratch the surface of reality (imo) or, um, raw humanity.

Erm and for the wildcard option I'd probably play him song, but it's for late night reflective can't sleep times only! (erm has been for me since I was his age... it's Pink Floyd so even before my time but still love it!)

I feel really silly writing this but it's struck a chord so much

It's very honest and insightful. But I'd be worried too. I suffer from crippling depression (currently in the throes of one) but unlike your son I feel like the world is wonderful and I'm not. It's easier to suffer this viewpoint than to suffer the kind of depression that leads you to believe you're OK, it's just the rest of the world that's at fault for misunderstanding you as we are powerless to change the rest of the world but can, to some extent, try and change ourselves.

I'd start by praising its brilliant writing as a way into discussing the content. Then ask if he really thinks what he says. If he does, mention some kindnesses or good things and ask why they don't register as equally valid to him. He might want to look at the MindGym online. It's an interactive online programme of CBT (free of charge) and it's good at helping depressive people identify what tendencies they fall into (all or nothing thinking, catastrophizing etc.) If he wants to feel brighter about the world, that sort of info might help

I will definitely encourage his writing - he has done other pieces that he has allowed me to see, both poetry and prose, that have struck me deeply. He has a very refined and mature flow.

I have also suggested that he share this with his counsellor. I hope he will be OK with it.

The reason that he said he would be fine with me sharing it is that selections of writing from students in his year are published annually in a compilation that is made available for sale. He figures if it is going to be there with his name attached, here on a forum with nothing identifying isn't the end of the world.

And... your feedback on his writing might be a real bright point for him.

Thank you all.

Not something males fend to do but might keeping a journal be useful? Doesn't have to be 'I did xyz today' it can be a collection of writings, quotes and images he likes/can relate to. But also encourage him to include positive thoughts and events. As he moves through treatment he may be able to look back in the future and notice an increase in positivity.

I love his writing. Especially the last line.

His fourth paragraph is worrying though. Is he being bullied? Or is the 'push me to the ground and kick' metaphoric? Do you know what he means about wanting to 'fight back'? That paragraph gives me the impression someone is targeting him, it seems to mirror what is said about bullying/abuse. Perhaps it's all a part of his writing style and he's purposely making those comparisons for effect though.

TO CME's son - well done! You write well and with a strong authentic voice which is something many writers take years to achieve. Keep writing! It's good! Might you consider a career where you could use this talent in some form? Journalism? Copywriting? Online editor/blogging?

With regard to what you wrote about - the world can be a dark, judgemental and cynical place.

BUT it can also surprise you with unexpected kindness from strangers, the joy of meeting like-minded people who understand you; and never under-value the love of your family who will always care for you and be interested in you, long after you've left home and lead a separate life. Your family are irreplaceable. Appreciate them.

I don't need to add to everyone saying that boy can write.
I can relate. I could have at 17 too, but no-one gave a shit, whereas he has a mum who clearly very much does.
He's clearly a highly intelligent and sensitive person, which is actually a really difficult thing to be. (Scratch that, a sensitive 17yo boy must be hell to be.)

I did wonder if the last paragraph is talking about him being bullied - and when he finally stands up for himself, he's the one in trouble. I relate to that a lot - there was a similar situation in one of those Educating programmes and I cried buckets thanks to the memories it evoked. Can you ask him what's going on there?

Does he have friends? A part-time job? Do any activities? Something like oh, a creative writing or art evening class, an evening/ weekend job in a museum/ theatre/ gallery etc...would something like that appeal? Might be the way to get him meeting like-minded people.

Oh and second the suggestion he writes a blog. Or if that's too much, just starts reading and chatting on blogs and forums. There are so many about mental health, emotional health and generally 'life is shit sometimes'. Get him to Google INFP and highly sensitive person - from the post it sounds like he certainly has traits of both. He might find it helpful to know he's not a freak and alone. There are chat forums for just about anything. That, too, is a good way to get him to meet similar people.

It is a great idea to get him to show his counsellor the piece. It is good that he's in counselling. How long has he been going? Does he like the counsellor? That said, is the counselling enough right now? To me it sounds like he might be clinically depressed - it would be very damaging to dismiss that as the same as 'sensitive, moody teen' (although the two do often go together). The answer isn't always medication but sometimes a short course of antidepressants can make life that bit more bearable. And I wish my depression and anxiety had been treated at 16/17/18 because ten years later, untreated MH issues will be a disaster. I would get him to go to the GP.

He will be fine. You sound like a great mum. TL/DR: he sounds great but I would be a bit concerned.

"Smile"
"be happy"
"aren't you excited?"
"cheer up"

People aren't allowed to feel what they feel. You said it's hard to get him out of the house... that's because he doesn't WANT to be outside the house. You're not letting him do what makes him happy, because you don't believe that what he's doing makes him happy.

If he was an adult (and not living with you) you would just consider him an introvert. My DH doesn't like spending time with people and finds it stressful. We enjoy time out from time to time but he doesn't like large groups.

As an adult you wouldn't be pushing him to do things he doesn't want to do, or you would and because it was only once in a while you'd think you "won".

Not everyone is the same, and he's struggling trying to be squashed into a hole that he doesn't fit into. Support his interests. Allow him to do what makes him happy, even if you don't understand it.

Also, congratulate him on his writing skill, he's definitely talented.

Please congratulate your son on his writing, it is excellent. I understand your worry, but as others have said, his writing is a great way for him to express himself.

I absolutely love what lorelei9 says: "Btw is your son sick of our culture of optimism? It can make me feel overwhelmed. Reading "smile or die" by Barbara Ehrenreich cheered me up enormously. You can also carry it with you and stuff in someone's mouth if they talk shite about lemons and lemonade. "

Just to reiterate what everyone else has said. A fabulous piece of writing. He should definitely develop that talent.

Good luck fella. Your mum loves you and with a mums love you can move mountains.

You're right, it is immensely talented writing, evocative and raw.

I understand his feelings - when I get overwhelmed with "weltschmerz", I feel the same way. And agree with this from garlicbake: "depression is a rational response to life."

I've often thought that. As a teen and in my twenties I used to be absolutely mentally slain by the suffering in the world if I paid attention to it - and I am immensely lucky that I (and I have no idea how) used to "come out of" these black fits after a few days by myself. NO idea how. So I've never said "I had depression" because I don't think I did - I just used to get occasional depressive fits that lasted from a few days to a few weeks. My parents never commented, no one ever did anything, I never did anything, I never realised it was "different" to feel that way. BUT I did keep a diary. And reading it back sometimes, it really shocks me what I wrote when I was in the "pits".

These days I avoid the news, I avoid reading books with harrowing material, or seeing films of similar - anything that could set it off again. But I've also found that since I don't get these fits any more, I don't do as much writing, or music playing (piano playing used to help) or art (also used to help).

How do you help him - I don't know. Writing is therapeutic in itself, having your feelings recognised, understood and validated is also therapeutic. To some extent, being allowed to "dwell" for a while is helpful, but not to the point where it becomes his life. I think you're doing everything you can - just support and allow him access to professional help.

And I would also offer up as good listening material when in the "pits".

I too read into it that he had been bullied and I hope that has been dealt with by the school?
I hope that things turn around for him. x

That is an extremely powerful piece of writing. Honestly, I have felt like that but I would never have been able to articulate it so profoundly. I hope he can feel able to share it with his counsellor

Have you shown DS your replies, CallMe?

Your son can write. His feelings are leaping off the page and resonating with many who contemplate the reality of suffering and injustice in the world.

Philosophy may be something he would be interested in pursuing; lyric writing, perhaps music.

Would add, exploring these darker aspects can be beneficial but at the same time dwelling on and wallowing in them for days, weeks, months can turn into years, leading to a despair that can extinguish the fragile light of joy, hope, and faith in the good that also exists that is the very thing that can combat the serious issues your son is addressing.

I have shared them. First smile I saw from him in some time. Thank you for that gift.

I have suggested that he might want to start a blog - he was worried about being identified, so I told him that a random name generator might be a good way to start.

I hope he feels he can continue with his writing, it is fabulous.

To CallMeExhausted's Son (if he's reading)

Thanks for letting your mum share this with us, it's an excellent piece of writing. I'm sorry you're feeling like this and I understand. I have depression and anxiety myself and I have a 17 yr old in a very similar position as you. She's felt like that for a few years now, and there have been some highs and some lows over that time. We're currently in a bit of a low. She also finds writing helpful, so keep doing that, if you can (and you do do it very well).

Someone earlier in the thread said:

"LilaTheTiger Mon 01-Feb-16 22:27:40
Does he read much? Would he be open to a book?
Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig g.co/kgs/lvwMv"

and I know my DD would highly recommend this book too. She just read it last week or the week before and she felt truly understood, and it has helped her in some ways.

I've been trying to encourage her to keep a journal, and would encourage you to do so too. I keep one myself and one of the excellent things about it when you've been keeping one for a long time, is to read back through the earlier entries and realise how far you've come, how much better things seem now on reflection. You don't have to let anyone else read it if you don't want to. You can spill all your emotions and thoughts in there. It doesn't have to be neat. You don't have to use punctuation or even leave spaces between your words, you can just write and get it all out of your head and onto the page and it will, I promise you, help over time.

Another thing that helps me and my DD is to go for a walk, somewhere quiet and look at everything around you. The small things that you'd miss if you weren't paying attention. Take a camera with you. Take pictures of things you've never noticed before. Go home, print those pictures and stick them in your journal and write about how they make you feel, because they can't fail to make you feel something, good or bad. But just going for a walk, getting the fresh air, breathing deeply, it helps so much. It really does!
Yes, I'd rather stay in bed. I can't often be bothered to go out, what's the point? No one seems to care anyway. But I also know that just making that small effort to try makes a massive difference to my state of mind and it will for you too.

A helpful website you might look at if you haven't already is Young Minds

Another great book worth a look at is 'How To Be Happy (Or At Least Less Sad)' by Lee Crutchley It's a really good creative workbook by someone else who gets it.

Life is hard. And sometimes it's downright bleak and miserable. But there will be really good times, so many of them. They're just out there waiting for you, when you're ready.

And a big YES to a blog!

OP or OPs son I have a many blog. I use blogger.com you can change how your name displays. He can set up a separate e-mail for it if he's super worried too. He need not post any identifying information (school, age, name etc)

They are a good outlet :)

Actually Queen , I ordered the Haig book when it was first recommended, it should be delivered tomorrow. Thank you for all of the other resources. I am going to order the workbook as well, and take a look at Young Minds.

I have suggested journalling, but he has very weak hands (as a result of a genetic disorder) and writing is exhausting. He can, however, type about 80 words per minute. I pointed out that journalling can be done on the computer as well, and he is mulling it over.

Thank you again to everyone.

Beautiful writing, I could really relate to this. Please keep writing, you're very talented. :)

He may not be opening up to you in a the verbal sense but he can obviously write what he cannot say.

Does he keep a diary/blog? Maybe that would be an outlet.

OP's son.
Oh my word - you write beautifully.
Blog - definitely. Get Mum to post a link when it's up and running, I'd love to read more of your work. You're immensely creative and talented so please use this to funnel your emotions. You're clearly incredibly sensitive and tuning into this by writing will be a step in the right direction for you, towards the light so to speak.

OP can you travel? How's the cash flow? Would it be possible to see more of the world with your family? Inspiring places?

to you both.

I hate to say it, but isn't this just standard teen angst? I wrote some pretty cringe poetry as a teenager - this is just an age when you get it out there. I think that obviously feelings of depression and despair are not to be minimised, but they're also something that teenagers do pass through. I wouldn't take this as a sign that something is terribly wrong myself, so long as he has the right support in general.

I don't need to offer advice as so many have given such wonderful suggestions before me, so all I wanted to say was WOW, what an amazingly talented young man your DS is. He will go far.

for you OP and an incredible amount of admiration for your amazing DS. Perhaps out of a dark time for him, something amazing may shine.

Mellojello it isn't regular angst. I desperately wish it were.

He is currently being treated for anxiety and depression, and struggles to leave the house most days. He went from an exceptional student to failing, not because of the work, but because his depression and crushing social anxiety made it nigh impossible to function in a school of 2000 students. He is currently on home instruction and finding his way out of the academic hole - although he will graduate a year behind his peers as a result. It is 4:30 am here and I just finished sitting with him for the last 3.5 hours working through a maths assignment that had him so tied in knots he couldn't sleep, was shaking and in tears.

He is struggling at his favourite sport (he is on a competitive curling team) and is trying to avoid going, and panics at the drop of a hat. For his safety, I can't dismiss it as a stage.

I just hope many years down the road, we can look back and be thankful we made it out the other side.