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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU regarding my step sister's wedding?

61 replies

Cardboxed · 01/02/2016 15:07

I'll start by saying I probably am BU because everyone has the right and ability to do whatever they want with their wedding.

I met my step sister when we were around 10yo. Her dad and my mum went on to get married and we all moved in together. I'm an only child and she has 2 older sisters so for me, at the time I was very excited to have siblings. As we were the same age we pretty much had the same interests and lived in each other's pockets. I never regarded them as 'other' or 'step' to me they were my family.

My AIBU: this summer my step sister is getting married but she's only asked her 2 sisters to be bridesmaids. Not me. I am invited but I do feel very upset that I'm not one of the bridesmaids. I know I'll get over it and I should be happy for her but its made me wonder if all these years maybe she regarded me as not one of her 'real' siblings?

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/02/2016 16:17

I wouldn't know how to word it without sounding like a petulant child

TBH I think you are massively minimising it when you say that! she has hurt you, and made you feel excluded on a major family day. Its completely your decision, and I don't know what relationship you have. Buit I think how can you NOT mention it to your Mum? and discussing something that has really hurt you, is not being a petulant child Flowers

either way, wishing you the best

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 01/02/2016 16:18

Most people don't regard step siblings in the same way as actual siblings, there is nothing strange about that

This is true with grandchildren as well. Some see them as the same and some don't. My mum is getting married next year and hasn't asked dsd to be bridesmaid even though my niece who isn't much younger than dsd is going to be bridesmaid (and me and my cousin).
In complete contrast, my dad is getting married this summer and my dad's fiancé has asked dsd to be one of her bridesmaids.

OzzieFem · 01/02/2016 16:18

OP You say you wouldn't be too upset if it was one of your older stepsisters, so obviously you were not close to them. However the bride to be knew them as sisters for ten years before she met you, so despite the age gap (you didn't mention how old they were} she would to some extent have been "mothered" by them.

Is it possible that when the wedding planning was taken place and number of bridesmaids was being planned they brought up the fact they were actually family but you were not. Sad They (the elder two) may never have truly thought of you as a sister despite being in the same family group.

It may be that your stepsister wanted you as bridesmaid too, but listened to her siblings to keep the peace. Older sisters can be dominating in a nice way.

Canyouforgiveher · 01/02/2016 16:19

Op, I think you have every right to feel hurt but I don't think you should distance yourself or anything. Yes you consider her to be a sister and clearly, she doesn't think of you as the same as her 2 sisters but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you and consider you a close family member.

LaContessaDiPlump · 01/02/2016 16:22

That's what I was wondering too Ozzie.

ZiggyFartdust · 01/02/2016 16:25

Do people actually measure their relationships in terms of being bridesmaids and things? It seems a very odd way to measure the closeness of a relative or friend to me.
And if you considered her to be your sister,and close, surely you would just talk to HER about her wedding, rather than us? Do you spend time with her, talk about things? Isn't that a better yardstick for your relationship than a wedding pecking order?

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2016 16:25

YANBU.

It is hurtful but she may not have meant it as such.

re I haven't mentioned this to my mum. I said upthread that I wouldn't know how to word it without sounding like a petulant child

I don;t think you would sound like a petulant child if you said "I feel hurt to be left out of being a bridesmaid, I will (of course) get over it, and I am happy for her, but I see her as my sister and so I feel kind of left out."

End of the day it is her wedding but it is your right to feel sad about this.

I'm afraid being me (not saying you should), I'd need to tell my step sister myself that I felt left out at first but was getting over it, - then I'd give her a hug - I'd say that I really always saw her as a my sister and hoped she saw me as such too! But I would do it knowing if she then changed and included me as bridesmaid it may well be because she felt bad - but I'd have to tell her!!!!

pottymummy · 01/02/2016 16:26

I would have to ask her actually. Or at least ask your mum her opinion. In a similar situation I would also be very hurt (I have two ss that I've known since I was 7)
Not including DH and DC, my step mum and step sister are the only family I have left and treat me as such (my other ss is kind of the black sheep - even my step mum has no contact with her, but that's another story)

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2016 16:28

ozzie that is an interesting thought, It may be that your stepsister wanted you as bridesmaid too, but listened to her siblings to keep the peace. Older sisters can be dominating in a nice way. But if it is the case then that would not be great and I would actually feel pretty cross.

sherbetpips · 01/02/2016 16:29

That's just plain mean.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 01/02/2016 16:29

I had step siblings growing up and don't consider them siblings, they were just children who happened to me live at the same address. As adults, we rarely see each other. I'd never expect them to pick me as a bridesmaid and didn't choose them either.

Italiangreyhound · 01/02/2016 16:30

Most people don't regard step siblings in the same way as actual siblings I am not sure how this is quantified. I have heard of people who view them as the same, and some who do not. but the issue here is this one step sister feels about her own step sister.

wannaBe · 01/02/2016 16:31

I agree with ziggy. A stepsister isn't the same as a sister, especially as she has siblings with who she had a relationship from birth iyswim. That doesn't mean that your relationship wasn't close even on her side. You were clearly best friends growing up, that doesn't have to change now.

But it seems obvious that for her wedding she wants her siblings as bridesmaids, and to her that means her blood siblings. She's not wrong to want that.

Suggestions that growing up from ten was long enough to form a family bond or that the op should distance herself because of this are ridiculous. They have a close relationship. Op thought of her as a sister because she'd never had siblings so had nothing to compare that relationship with. Her stepsister considers the op a best friend and a step sister, but she wants her sisters to be bridesmaids.

If the op and this girl had grown up together as best friends from the age of ten, constantly staying at each other's houses etc and she had only wanted her sisters as bridesmaids no-one would think this unreasonable. This isn't any different just because that best friendship has been formed as a result of the parents marrying and moving in together

Duckdeamon · 01/02/2016 16:31

Yanbu to be sad, but she isn't being unreasonable if she feels differently to you about your relationship.

If your relationship is otherwise still good you could raise it directly with your sister, not to seek to change her decision but to let you know you feel hurt. The risk of involving your mother is chinese whispers with lots of people getting involved!

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 01/02/2016 16:32

Ozzie The OP isn't actually going to know that unless she speaks to her stepsister. No point in any of us speculating on here. Awkward conversation to have I know, but the OP has been "left out" without a reason, and it has probably come as a shock to her. But it might be absolutely nothing to do with her older stepsisters for all we or the OP knows.

DinosaursRoar · 01/02/2016 16:43

Reading this correctly, was her Dad, your step-dad, the resident parent, or was residency split with their mum? If your step-sisters were going back and forth between 2 homes, while you saw her as fully your sister, you only shared part of her life and she might well have seen the sisters who experienced the same family life (rather than just half it) as closer to her.

Alternatively, it could be this is coming from her mum, has she any step or half siblings on her mum's side? It could be she's got an 'all or nothing' situation - and full siblings is an easy way to not have to chose between other family relationships, esp if she has half/step siblings on her mums side (while you might see the difference if you were raised together to a step/half sibling she didn't live with, but it could be too hard to have that conversation with her mum/step-dad on that side).

If her mum has a lot of involvement in arranging the wedding or even if paying for it, then if she doesn't see you as her DD's sister, this could be an attempt to 'appease' her.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/02/2016 16:46

Ouch. That has got to smart. Yanbu.

Sometimes it is just numbers though. I have lots of sisters and only chose two when I realised how much it was going to cost to buy dresses, get hair done, presents and hotel rooms for the night of the wedding; and then to match it with groomsmen costs. My elder sister was pregnant and more than happy not to be on show/on her feet all day but I know my youngest sisters felt left out especially as two sisters were already married and had ginormous numbers of BM's and GM's. It wasn't "me" though to have a huge wedding party and DH could only muster up two close friends worthy of asking.

It might not be as personal as you are taking it. Have you actually spoken about it?

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/02/2016 16:46

Ouch. That has got to smart. Yanbu.

Sometimes it is just numbers though. I have lots of sisters and only chose two when I realised how much it was going to cost to buy dresses, get hair done, presents and hotel rooms for the night of the wedding; and then to match it with groomsmen costs. My elder sister was pregnant and more than happy not to be on show/on her feet all day but I know my youngest sisters felt left out especially as two sisters were already married and had ginormous numbers of BM's and GM's. It wasn't "me" though to have a huge wedding party and DH could only muster up two close friends worthy of asking.

It might not be as personal as you are taking it. Have you actually spoken about it?

ZiggyFartdust · 01/02/2016 16:52

but the issue here is this one step sister feels about her own step sister

And how the other side feels ALSO, which none of us know, including the OP!
If the stepsister feels differently to the OP, that is her right to do so. And it doesn't mean anything bad or wrong or that she's unfair or mean or anything else.

bornwithaplasticspoon · 01/02/2016 16:53

YANBU Flowers

LaContessaDiPlump · 01/02/2016 16:57

Your posts sound very defensive, Ziggy. Have you been involved in a similar situation previously?

Original poster
Cardboxed · 01/02/2016 17:01

DinosaursRoar Her dad was the RP, for a multitude of reasons I won't go into here on this thread but the three of them and I lived pretty much full time together till uni.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams I haven't brought it up with her and I don't really intend to do so. It's her choice, it's her wedding and that's what it really comes down to. For my part, I think I will distance myself a bit because I'm actually now questioning the whole relationship we had - not just a wedding - and although I know I'll get over it, I don't think I'll ever think of her in the way I did again.

OP posts:
TakesTwoToTango · 01/02/2016 17:10

Op, how is the situation with her mother? Especially surrounding her separation from your step father and his marriage to your mother? I ask because I didn't have my half sisters as my bridesmaids, not because I don't love them, but because my dad's marriage to their mother caused my mum so much pain that I couldn't do that to my mum (I had already put my foot down and said my step mother was to be invited to the wedding and would be attending despite my mothers protestations) and selfishly, I knew her hurt and the fallout would put a huge burden on me too. As a result I also didn't have my full sister as a bridesmaid either, because I felt I couldn't have her and not my half sisters, but that's another thread..,

ZiggyFartdust · 01/02/2016 17:10

Not remotely defensive, just bemused at how may people seem to be able to judge a situation they know nothing about. I bet the majority don't have step siblings yet think they know all about it.

OP, your attitude is weird. You thought you were very close sisters, yet you have unilaterally decided that she must see you differently, without talking to her. And you are going to distance yourself and never think of her the same way again? Thats not how sisters behave. and its not how people in a close family relationship behave.
If you can't even talk to her, you obviously aren't that close at all, and you can't be as surprised as you say you are.

harrasseddotcom · 01/02/2016 21:44

YANBU. I find it hard to believe that people can be so callous, or maybe unthinking to do stuff like that. (Not that I dont believe you, i do!) I came into some money a few years ago and gave each of my siblings (full/half/step) each a little gift, all equal. My step brother came into my life after i'd left home and he was well into his teens. But id never think to miss him out. Dont understand people who would do this.