AIBU regarding my step sister's wedding?

[Cardboxed]

I'll start by saying I probably am BU because everyone has the right and ability to do whatever they want with their wedding.

I met my step sister when we were around 10yo. Her dad and my mum went on to get married and we all moved in together. I'm an only child and she has 2 older sisters so for me, at the time I was very excited to have siblings. As we were the same age we pretty much had the same interests and lived in each other's pockets. I never regarded them as 'other' or 'step' to me they were my family.

My AIBU: this summer my step sister is getting married but she's only asked her 2 sisters to be bridesmaids. Not me. I am invited but I do feel very upset that I'm not one of the bridesmaids. I know I'll get over it and I should be happy for her but its made me wonder if all these years maybe she regarded me as not one of her 'real' siblings?

[Cardboxed]

OutWithTheDogs I get along fine with her soon to be H. I can't think of anything that I might have said or done that would have offended him. Again, having gone through all the possibilities there really isn't any other one but she just felt that way.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams I see what you mean now. Yes it comes up quite often (or came up quite often over the Holiday period) so we do talk about the venue, her weight-loss before the day and that sort of thing. She has told me that she wanted a 'low key affair' so I'm taking that to perhaps mean i.e. not too many bridesmaid and as PP pointed out maybe 2 looks better than 3.

I'd be more inclined to ask my mum about it but then again I don't want her to talk to my step dad who then might talk to either of my sisters. Just not worth the potential fall out or bad feeling.

[elliejjtiny]

I'm sorry you feel upset op. I have 2 sisters and both of them were my bridesmaids. My sister got married and had my other sister for a bridesmaid and not me (I was quite relieved, the bridesmaid dress and hairstyle would have looked awful on me). My mum had one sister as her bridesmaid too and not the other. I did get a bit annoyed when people asked me why I wasn't my sisters bridesmaid but I just pointed out that traditionally bridesmaids are unmarried (I think the groom is supposed to choose one to marry if the bride doesn't show up!)

[tkndnv]

I can see why this would hurt. I have one "real" sister and one very close friend that both my real sister and I call our sister as we grew up together, spent all our holidays and christmasses together etc.

My real sister had us both as bridesmaids.

[2rebecca]

You were in the same household from age 10-18 but if she's now 30 how much have you seen of each other for the past 12 years? To me that is more important, she maybe views you as someone she lived with for 8 years where as her sisters have been in her life for 30 years.
I suspect some of it is just 2 being a better number for bridesmaids than 3 as well.
I have 2 kids and 2 stepkids, those biologically related have a much closer bond, the step relationship is more casual friend, we didn't all live together all the time in 1 house though, but few step families do unless other parents are dead or completely useless, there's usually some tooing and froing.

[Funandgamesandfun]

I had an almost identical set up to you and I would have been absolutely devastated if any of my step sisters had acted the same way. They just wouldn't have and our individual parents would have reacted very strongly if they had. When you grow up in the same house from childhood you are sisters in all but blood.

I am not overly close to my step sisters, we don't have that much in common but they are my sisters, part of my life. I consider their children my nieces and nephews in exactly the same way as I do my sisters children and I would go to the ends of the earth for either of them and I'm fairly sure they would for me too.

I would talk to your mum and see what she says but you are absolutely not unreasonable to be upset. Could you arrange to meet your step sister to ask her about it.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

I haven't brought it up with her and I don't really intend to do so

When I asked if you two had spoken about the wedding, it was more in a general context? Christmas was only a few weeks ago for one, it's likely to have been a topic of conversation around the table?

I agree with Ziggy to some extent. With many families you could jokingly ask why you hadn't made the cut to be a bridesmaid or joke about having escaped her mad fashion schemes.

Or while you might be close in some ways, maybe she's a bridezilla in waiting and you simply look completely different to her and her birth sisters. People get some pretty weird ideas about weddings.

Either way, you've dodged a bullet. God but it is a mind numbingly boring way to spend the day and the "top table" is usually dullsville.

[ZiggyFartdust]

Nonsense. Keeping quiet, seething silently and changing your relationship forever based on a one sided judgement is not the way to gain family harmony, is it? Quite the opposite, in fact.
If OP thought they were very close before this, how did it not come up anyway? Wasn't she involved in the wedding planning and talk?

I suspect that they weren't actually that close at all and that OP's stepsister would be very surprised the OP is saying any of this. It doesn't add up.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

ZiggyFartdust

How does the OP bring this up with her without more unhappiness being the result?

It is (IMO) where the OP has to 'suck it up' for the sake of family harmony.

Its not a nice situation but Occam's razor is valid in this case.

[HeddaGarbled]

Weddings are a nightmare of diplomacy. Whatever the B&G do, someone, somewhere will get the hump. Maybe one or both of the full sisters would have thrown their toys out of the pram if you were included and she's had to do this to stop one of them throwing a strop. Given free choice, she may well have had you and not either of them but she doesn't really have a free choice without causing massive ructions. Please try and see the bigger picture and don't let this damage your relationship with her.

[DinosaursRoar]

It could be to do with her mother, or her mother's family. Even if her mum treated her badly as a child, that doesn't mean she isnt as an adult trying to avoid hurting her or other step/half siblings on her mum's side.

Families are tricky, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

(Also is there any other possible reason, like you being the only one who's married/has DCs - some people are traditional about bridesmaids being unmarried/not mothers, or the groom having a step/half sibling he's not including in the wedding party)

[OutWithTheDogs]

YANBU - I think it's mean. If I was a guest or a family member I would be wondering why you hadn't been asked.

OP, is there any other possible reason? Are you already married? Or are you really busy with work? or are you ttc? Are you really tall? Have you previously said you hate wearing dresses?

What about your partners? Do you like your DSis's husband to be? Does he like you?

[harrasseddotcom]

YANBU. I find it hard to believe that people can be so callous, or maybe unthinking to do stuff like that. (Not that I dont believe you, i do!) I came into some money a few years ago and gave each of my siblings (full/half/step) each a little gift, all equal. My step brother came into my life after i'd left home and he was well into his teens. But id never think to miss him out. Dont understand people who would do this.

[TakesTwoToTango]

Op, how is the situation with her mother? Especially surrounding her separation from your step father and his marriage to your mother? I ask because I didn't have my half sisters as my bridesmaids, not because I don't love them, but because my dad's marriage to their mother caused my mum so much pain that I couldn't do that to my mum (I had already put my foot down and said my step mother was to be invited to the wedding and would be attending despite my mothers protestations) and selfishly, I knew her hurt and the fallout would put a huge burden on me too. As a result I also didn't have my full sister as a bridesmaid either, because I felt I couldn't have her and not my half sisters, but that's another thread..,

[ZiggyFartdust]

Not remotely defensive, just bemused at how may people seem to be able to judge a situation they know nothing about. I bet the majority don't have step siblings yet think they know all about it.

OP, your attitude is weird. You thought you were very close sisters, yet you have unilaterally decided that she must see you differently, without talking to her. And you are going to distance yourself and never think of her the same way again? Thats not how sisters behave. and its not how people in a close family relationship behave.
If you can't even talk to her, you obviously aren't that close at all, and you can't be as surprised as you say you are.

[Cardboxed]

DinosaursRoar Her dad was the RP, for a multitude of reasons I won't go into here on this thread but the three of them and I lived pretty much full time together till uni.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams I haven't brought it up with her and I don't really intend to do so. It's her choice, it's her wedding and that's what it really comes down to. For my part, I think I will distance myself a bit because I'm actually now questioning the whole relationship we had - not just a wedding - and although I know I'll get over it, I don't think I'll ever think of her in the way I did again.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Your posts sound very defensive, Ziggy. Have you been involved in a similar situation previously?

[bornwithaplasticspoon]

YANBU

[ZiggyFartdust]

but the issue here is this one step sister feels about her own step sister

And how the other side feels ALSO, which none of us know, including the OP!
If the stepsister feels differently to the OP, that is her right to do so. And it doesn't mean anything bad or wrong or that she's unfair or mean or anything else.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Ouch. That has got to smart. Yanbu.

Sometimes it is just numbers though. I have lots of sisters and only chose two when I realised how much it was going to cost to buy dresses, get hair done, presents and hotel rooms for the night of the wedding; and then to match it with groomsmen costs. My elder sister was pregnant and more than happy not to be on show/on her feet all day but I know my youngest sisters felt left out especially as two sisters were already married and had ginormous numbers of BM's and GM's. It wasn't "me" though to have a huge wedding party and DH could only muster up two close friends worthy of asking.

It might not be as personal as you are taking it. Have you actually spoken about it?

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

Ouch. That has got to smart. Yanbu.

Sometimes it is just numbers though. I have lots of sisters and only chose two when I realised how much it was going to cost to buy dresses, get hair done, presents and hotel rooms for the night of the wedding; and then to match it with groomsmen costs. My elder sister was pregnant and more than happy not to be on show/on her feet all day but I know my youngest sisters felt left out especially as two sisters were already married and had ginormous numbers of BM's and GM's. It wasn't "me" though to have a huge wedding party and DH could only muster up two close friends worthy of asking.

It might not be as personal as you are taking it. Have you actually spoken about it?

[DinosaursRoar]

Reading this correctly, was her Dad, your step-dad, the resident parent, or was residency split with their mum? If your step-sisters were going back and forth between 2 homes, while you saw her as fully your sister, you only shared part of her life and she might well have seen the sisters who experienced the same family life (rather than just half it) as closer to her.

Alternatively, it could be this is coming from her mum, has she any step or half siblings on her mum's side? It could be she's got an 'all or nothing' situation - and full siblings is an easy way to not have to chose between other family relationships, esp if she has half/step siblings on her mums side (while you might see the difference if you were raised together to a step/half sibling she didn't live with, but it could be too hard to have that conversation with her mum/step-dad on that side).

If her mum has a lot of involvement in arranging the wedding or even if paying for it, then if she doesn't see you as her DD's sister, this could be an attempt to 'appease' her.

[CantWaitForWarmWeather]

Ozzie The OP isn't actually going to know that unless she speaks to her stepsister. No point in any of us speculating on here. Awkward conversation to have I know, but the OP has been "left out" without a reason, and it has probably come as a shock to her. But it might be absolutely nothing to do with her older stepsisters for all we or the OP knows.

[Duckdeamon]

Yanbu to be sad, but she isn't being unreasonable if she feels differently to you about your relationship.

If your relationship is otherwise still good you could raise it directly with your sister, not to seek to change her decision but to let you know you feel hurt. The risk of involving your mother is chinese whispers with lots of people getting involved!

[wannaBe]

I agree with ziggy. A stepsister isn't the same as a sister, especially as she has siblings with who she had a relationship from birth iyswim. That doesn't mean that your relationship wasn't close even on her side. You were clearly best friends growing up, that doesn't have to change now.

But it seems obvious that for her wedding she wants her siblings as bridesmaids, and to her that means her blood siblings. She's not wrong to want that.

Suggestions that growing up from ten was long enough to form a family bond or that the op should distance herself because of this are ridiculous. They have a close relationship. Op thought of her as a sister because she'd never had siblings so had nothing to compare that relationship with. Her stepsister considers the op a best friend and a step sister, but she wants her sisters to be bridesmaids.

If the op and this girl had grown up together as best friends from the age of ten, constantly staying at each other's houses etc and she had only wanted her sisters as bridesmaids no-one would think this unreasonable. This isn't any different just because that best friendship has been formed as a result of the parents marrying and moving in together

[Italiangreyhound]

Most people don't regard step siblings in the same way as actual siblings I am not sure how this is quantified. I have heard of people who view them as the same, and some who do not. but the issue here is this one step sister feels about her own step sister.