Friends Crashing Our Holiday (sort of)

[PinkFairy22]

DH has done some work for our friend's parents. The work went well, the parents were very happy (and paid for it, in case that's relevant.).

The parents have a large holiday house in Cornwall which they often rent out and, as a thank you, have offered it to us - free- for a week over Easter. Totally unexpected and very kind of them.

We've confirmed the dates and arranged travel, car hire etc. Got a text last night from my friend saying "surprise, we're coming too". There's plenty of room in the house, so it's not going to be a space issue.

I'm really gutted, as I was really looking forward to a family break. We get on well with these friends, but have never been away with them - or even contemplated it tbh. Our kids get on ok but not brilliantly.

AIBU to feel so gutted?

[DontCareHowIWantItNow]

Yep the friends might be pissed off but I can't see any other way of getting out of it.

Yes there is. The parents could actually rescind the offer. It is their house after all.

[PatriciaHolm]

Realistically, any other response than "OK, lovely" is going to affect your relationship with the other family. If you have already accepted the offer, it'll be very obvious that you don't like the other family enough to go away with them. Worst case, the parents then say "ah, really sorry, but we'd already promised the kids they could go, so we're going to have to rescind our offer..." which would be rude, but entirely possible.

You really can't say anything about having invited your relatives (unless the original offer from the parent explicitly said "why don't you invite your families along"); you can't invite strangers along under this type of offer!

If you say anything, it's going to go down poorly, I think. The parents think they are doing you a favour, and presumably the house is big enough for all of you. You're really going to have to deal with it, or face falling out with all of them.

[HSMMaCM]

It wouldn't bother me. Could you say you and DH need some time alone as you have some personal issues to work through. You were hoping this break would be the perfect chance to get away from everyone and everything to make some difficult decisions. These personal/difficult things could be whether to have pizza on Wednesday or Thursday, or anything else. This would hopefully put them off coming at the same time as you.

[EponasWildDaughter]

Would i be angry with the other family? No. They probably fancied Easter at their parent's house and were just going to happily share.

If this were me i'd find an excuse to cancel though, and say thank you but i can't make it after all. Sharing just wouldn't do us.

[2016Hopeful]

I don't think you can do anything. The offer of a house for a week was kind but they did pay for the work so it is just a favour. They obviously thought that you were all friends so it would be a great idea. You can't take in laws along as it is not your house to do so.

Either go along with friends or make an excuse like not being able to get the time off but I doubt they will offer it again.

[MerryMarigold]

Spot on, Patricia.

[JolseBaby]

Farrow - perhaps they don't let it out? Or it only gets lent to close family and friends?

OP, I would go with Rhi's response. YANBU to be disappointed - and I think it is a bit graceless of your friend to essentially invite herself without checking that you'd mind! It puts you on the spot a bit because she's family and your not. In your shoes I would duck out and cite work conflicts meaning that you can't go and thank them for kindly offering it.

With any luck they might offer you a different date - in which case I would make it clear when accepting that you'd love this as a family only holiday... Thank you so much, we desperately need some family time together just the of us. That's so kind of you - we're very grateful etc

[JolseBaby]

grammar fail - you're not

[briss]

i expect theres been a bit of a mix up and the friends assumed they'd have the house over Easter

then their parents told them they had offered it to you so they've decided to share

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I still say contact the parents, because I don't think they know about the 'surprise'. My guess would be that OP's friends were talking to their parents, asked if they could have the holiday home, parents said 'sorry it's not free, we've given it to your nice friends who did that work for us as a thank you', and OP's cheekyfucker friends have taken it upon themselves to decide that the house is big enough for them too. Honestly, I doubt the parents know they've done this.

"Realistically, any other response than "OK, lovely" is going to affect your relationship with the other family."
True, but I wouldn't want to be on anything more than nodding terms with someone who thinks they can gatecrash my family holiday.

[CruCru]

Ugh. Problem is, if someone said that they were planning on inviting their PILs etc to a house I'd leant them, I'd be a bit put out.

Yes, why not pull out gracefully on the grounds that you really need some family time on your own.

[FarrowandBallAche]

Jolsebaby in the OP it says it's often let out.

[Lweji]

Unless you can come up with a good excuse not to go, then suck it up.

Sorry.

But, maybe you'll end up enjoying it. Who knows?

[IHavemyownLighthouseyouknow]

I can see this from both points of view. My parents have the same with the holiday home in Cornwall, and it is almost assumed now we are stuck to holidays in term time, that we or my DB have the use of the place over Easter. If they had offered it to one of our friends as a thank you for use over that particular week/weekend, we would probably assume that they knew we were going down as well. I think this all sounds like a lack of communication issue, particularly between your friends & their parents. On the other hand, YANBU at all to be disappointed when you thought you were going to have a holiday just for your family.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

You can't possibly say that you've invited your PIL's unless you have been explicitly told you can fill the house and I'd be highly surprised if you have

a) suck it up - either do the "Brilliant, it will be great to have someone to share the cooking with, do a bit of babysitting, and play endless charades when it's raining" and hope they run a mile, or you can

b) give it a go since you have booked holiday, set expectation with your kids, and committed costs which you may not be able to get back [car hire]. People who are familiar with the area may have some great tips on places to see and eat in. It's a bit of company for your kids if the weather is bad. With the right planning it could be absolutely fine.

c) blow off your trip with the advice from Rhi above.

d) reply with a "Sorry? You are also coming to the house in Cornwall from Xth to Yth? We understood that the invite was for us to use the house by ourselves and we were planning a very quiet week with revision drills for little Jonny's 11+" I think we will have to cancel the car hire and stay at home.

Personally I'd be going with b) rather than risk insulting a potential source of income through word of mouth recommendations etc

Make plans, don't agree to split the grocery shopping or the bills in advance of getting there and do your own thing to the point of reasonableness. If you are all getting on well and the families are compatible then you can always offer to make spag bol for 12 if someone else takes the kids to soft play; or have a night out each and babysit for the other. But if they are a PITA then you don't want to have to extricate yourselves from lots of preplanned stuff.

[Cuppaand2biscuits]

I don't understand what the problem is?
We always go away with friends, it works best with ones who have children of a similar age to ours but we have a lovely time with the ones who have grown up kids too. We go away at least 5/6 times a year with friends.

[MuddhaOfSuburbia]

I am surprised that a ' large holiday house in Cornwall ' is available at Easter I have to say.

this

unless haunted/falling down cliff/outdoor bog/next to nine-teeez all night rave pub in newquay

[IHavemyownLighthouseyouknow]

Oh, and to reinforce what some PPs have said above, do NOT say you have invited your PIL/random family members to come with you - seriously bad form. Hope you manage to sort it out OP and get your family holiday one way or another.

[PouletDePrintemps]

I wouldn't go.

I would either say that you have to cancel due to work commitments or that you have to cancel as family time is limited and you need a holiday together. It would depend on the relationship with the friends.

I wouldn't say anything about inlaws or that you don't want to intrude on friend's holiday. The first sounds cheeky and the second leaves them open to say you wouldn't be intruding in which case you would have to go or awkwardly wriggle out of it.

[blankmind]

The owners of the cottage will have lost quite a bit of income by offering it to the OP for a week at Easter.

Then, if the owners' family also want a week at Easter, the most economical way for the owners is to ask their family to share that week with the Op, otherwise the owners lose out on 2 weeks prime rental.

[Bryt]

Why do you think your friends have done this? Do they think you are all better friends than you think you are? Are they the type of people who are social butterfly extroverts who typically share their time and space with lots of people, so wouldn't see why it would be an issue to share a holiday with other people? Are they peeved that their parents have given you a week in the holiday home without asking them first so they are gatecrashing your holiday to be spiteful?

I think I would have to cancel unless I hadn't had a holiday for many years and could not afford to get away with my family anytime soon.

[Jenny70]

Are your parents/PIL far enough away that they have "just" suggested seeing you at Easter, and you had been about to call owners to see if they could join you. But of course this wouldn't now work as their children/grandchildren will be there, which wouldn't work. So reluctantly you won't be able to take up their kind offer. Outside chance they will tell daughter/SIL you do mind them coming and honor the orig agreement.

[tangerinesarenottheonlyfruit]

I think YANBU to be slightly disappointed that the holiday is not as you imagined. I know I like to look forward to things, and I sometimes feel pretty put out if it changes as I'm already invested in how it would have been IYSWIM.

However on a practical level you have no choice really but to embrace this. Some of the best holidays I had when I were little were with other DC, including DC I didn't know very well.

You may get on really well together and have a great time. I would try to forget what it would have been, and just treat it as a shared family holiday, and make the best of it.

And start planning a family holiday for the summer / next available opportunity.

It's obviously important to you (understandably!) so start planning your family holiday so you have it to look forward to and don't feel so put out.

If it's any consolation, we've never been on a family holiday (DC 7 and 3) outside of visiting relatives, not even with other families - apart from a couple of weekends camping. I would love to go on a holiday to Cornwall, on our own or with people - both would be wonderful!

Have a lovely time!