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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucked off

47 replies

MariposaVolando · 01/02/2016 11:37

A close relative is currently job-hunting. She is working and earning money right now but is looking to get a better job more in line with her experience and qualifications.

I have a job, but it all depends on my degree results in a few months time. I am predicted good marks but there are a couple of iffy modules even though I've had straight 2.1s/firsts along the way (which I'm hoping will bring me up). There have been some hiccups along the way though and I'm finishing my degree later than planned so it's all a bit stressful for me right now. FWIW she was absolutely tearing her hair out during her own finals (very competitive uni).

She has taken to calling me a "failure" Hmm every time she is annoyed with me about something or not feeling good in herself.

AIBU to be a bit fucked off?!?! She would have slaughtered me if I had made similar comments when she was still studying. It's really pissing me off, it's not true and makes me doubt myself. I am not a failure, and will not fail any of my exams; I want to get 2.1s in as many of them I can. There is a half module where I'm sailing close to the wind (long story) but I'm trying hard with it, and even if I got 40, the pass mark, if the rest go ok, I should still be able to get a middling 2.1 overall.

OP posts:
Slowlygettingthehangofthings · 01/02/2016 11:44

Well that's not very supportive is it? Does she say it in jest (even if there are malicious undertones) or is she being outright nasty? Either way, YANBU to be a bit fucked off.

ridemesideways · 01/02/2016 11:47

YABU to be a bit pissed off. You have every right to be a LOT pissed off.

Pull her up on it every single time. Don't argue. Calmly state "I am not a failure. You may not say that, it's unkind".

Distance yourself if she keeps on doing it. Sister? Mother? She's projecting. No excuse for name calling though.

WorraLiberty · 01/02/2016 11:47

What did she say when you told her to fuck off?

Grin
ridemesideways · 01/02/2016 11:48

Use the broken record technique and say it in a monotone voice. It'll fuck her off.

ridemesideways · 01/02/2016 11:50

Act as if you're bored by it - she wants to hurt you. Act unhurt.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 01/02/2016 13:05

I'd tell her it's a shame she feels she has to put other people down to feel good about herself with a head tilt,a sympathetic squeeze of the shoulder and then a comment about working on her self esteem as you waltz off.

or "Fuck off"

eithers good Grin

sadie9 · 01/02/2016 13:14

OK. Here's what you can do. If you are her daughter then you say 'well you must be failure's mother so!'
Aunty you say 'you are failure's Aunty so!' or sister you say 'you are failure's sister so!'
It just gently brings it back to them. I do this now if my teen/tween says something rude like 'you are such an idiot for thinking that' I say 'well you must an idiot's son' so.
The trick is to say something about what they have said, to highlight the context of them saying it....rather than defending yourself against it. It is hurtful but it is just a bunch of noises coming out of another person's mouth, that a bunch of neurons in their brain has created. People can't be 'failures'. If we are still alive and breathing then we are not 'failing'.
Only a machine can 'fail' to operate. Or a switch can fail to work the lights. You can fail to pass an exam. But there is nothing in the essence of you that is 'failure'. It is just whatever answers you wrote on the paper don't match the answer they wanted.

Original poster
MariposaVolando · 01/02/2016 13:18

Thanks all!

The thing is, I'm not even a failure Hmm

At school I always got better results than her, although she ended up at the more prestigious university (mine is still pretty decent RG though)! Not that any of this matters but still.

She has just grandly informed me that "your whole life has been an exercise in bullshitting" ffs, ie. even my achievements have come about as a result of bullshitting, not because I'm in any way competent or anything Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
MariposaVolando · 01/02/2016 13:19

Ps. Person in question is my darling sister.

OP posts:
RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 01/02/2016 13:57

your whole life has been an exercise in bullshitting

oh. she can fuck right off.

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2016 14:01

Do you live with her? If so I'd be looking at getting out asap. Do you never yell at her? I'd find it hard not to if someone spoke to me like that.

leelu66 · 01/02/2016 14:15

Can you get her one of those sleep hypnosis CDs for her, with the voice repeating 'I will fail my exams'? Grin

YANBU. Hopefully she'll get a 2.2.

Original poster
MariposaVolando · 01/02/2016 14:18

She got a 2.1!

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 01/02/2016 14:18

Oooooh there's a phrase just for this...its ....ummmm...oh its just on the tip of my tongue....

OH YES!! Got it!! It is.....ahem...

"FUCK OFF, YOU BITCH"

Original poster
MariposaVolando · 01/02/2016 14:24

Ha yes I've tried that one!

It seems like she is jealous that I'm the one with the job - whenever I mention starting in a few months, she always cattily replies "maybe" i.e. it all depends on me passing my sodding exams. I think she's enjoying having one over me as it were - now she's the one with the degree etc.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 01/02/2016 14:34

I think she's terrified of you getting a First.

DoJo · 01/02/2016 14:35

Do you live with/near her? Can you limit the time you spend speaking to her? It sounds like she is very negative and you have enough to think about at the moment, without waiting for the next spiteful comment...

citychick · 01/02/2016 14:51

I agree, she is terrified of you getting a better degree. And she's trying to distract you from your studies by winding you up.

you know you need to study hard and get your degree. So if at all possible, distance yourself from her geographically and emotionally so her goading doesn't get to you. Clearly it is starting to as you've posted on here.

You'll be glad when you've got your great qualification thru hard work, but you will be furious with yourself it you let her get to you.

Then you can tell her to eff off. Right now you don't need the hassle.

Good luck! Star

pictish · 01/02/2016 14:53

She is so scared you're going to get a 1st!

Seriously fuck her right off. Ignore her and carry right on doing what you're doing. She's pathetic and really not very nice. Don't let that become your problem. Silly bitch.

ricketytickety · 01/02/2016 14:57

imperial has hit the nail on the head

LagunaBubbles · 01/02/2016 14:57

Sister or not I wouldnt be keeping company thats so nasty.

ImperialBlether · 01/02/2016 15:05

Trouble is, if you do get a first (and I really hope you do) she'll say she went to a 'better' university and her 2:1 means more than your First. She's not a nice person and you should avoid spending time with her. She also sounds very immature, as though she's still stuck in childhood battles.

Original poster
MariposaVolando · 01/02/2016 15:39

Thanks all - for various reasons, I'm not going to get a first unfortunately - would have to average 74% this year and that's definitely impossible for me.

But thanks for your support and the very kind messages Smile

She is really projecting I think. Just now she has said to me, "at the moment I'm earning more money than you'll earn in your entire life" which is frankly bullshit as my starting salary is double what she's on now, and she knows this

She really seems to get off on (a) treating me like shit and (b) making me feel like shit. It's tiresome Hmm

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 01/02/2016 15:42

She sounds horrible and very very jealous of you.

Seriouslyffs · 01/02/2016 15:45

Don't let anyone talk to you like that!Shock
Do you live with her?

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