To take my own food to PIL's?

[GobiasIndustries]

I'm doing slimming world and have been getting on really well. PIL live about an hour and a half drive away so we usually go and see them of a weekend with DS and will stay the night.

MIL ALWAYS cooks. I offer to help and she says she doesn't need help. DH didn't cook a thing until he moved out to uni because he was never allowed. I've never realised it before but the things she cooks, whilst they are nice and I am very grateful, are full of things that I should be cutting back on or substituting for something else. She cooks with butter, even the vegetables are covered in butter. We were supposed to meet DH's friend on Saturday after staying over Friday but he was late and we ended up having breakfast and lunch there. Which was a greasy fry up and then curry and rice, the fry up she'd made as I was getting ready and the curry was out of a jar. She tried to give me cake at every opportunity and I politely said no thank you but she made me feel guilty because she'd bought it just for us. She kept on putting out biscuits and cakes and cookies. She also only drinks really sugary drinks and I don't really like drinking water, it needs juice in or flavour! I've told her I'm eating healthier but she just keeps saying that DS needs a role model who doesn't deprive themselves. She can be quite controlling at times too.

I would never expect her to cook according to my specific needs. When eating the curry DH mentioned a slimming world one that I had cooked the previous week and how nice it was. FiL asked about it and I said "Why don't I cook it for us next week when we come? That way you can both spend more time with DS and we can be useful in the kitchen." This was met with an awkward silence and then MIL laughed and said "I don't think so, dear." I asked why not and she said FIL and DH prefer her cooking. DH stood up for me and said that he loves my cooking and that I only want to help. She then said that FIL needs real food and she has to cook that for him. I just said that we do cook real food at home and it was their loss of they didn't want to try it. DH was really embarrassed about it but I just told him not to worry. FIL asked later on, maybe just to be nice, about other meals that I've cooked. I showed him some on the slimming world website and said I would let him borrow a book of mine. He works away three days during the week and lives in another house so would be able to cook for himself.

Next weekend we're staying on the Saturday night. We've planned to get there later on and skip dinner with them but would it be really rude of me to take my own cereal and fruit to snack on and maybe a frozen meal that I'd made for lunch?

You never have a full weekend at home as a family - always one night at the PILs?

Food apart, that would drive me mad! It is a bit more than most families; sounds terribly claustrophobic given you clearly don't really get on. And if FIL is away 3 nights a week I'm suprised he relishes having visitors in his home most of every weekend. Does he secretly never want to be alone with his wife?!

How do you find time to see friends? Can PIL maybe come to you sometimes instead?

Sound exactly like my mum who equates love with food!

Just be honest but definitely apologise if you take your own food.

Say to her that you are on slimming world, its costs you money every week and you working really hard on it. Apologise and say you love her food, but the diet is really restrictive so to make it easier for her you've bought some things to eat. Let her know in advance so she doesn't get any cake in for you.

Do you really spend every single weekend with them? What about time to do family things just the three of you?

I'd be looking to cut it down to maybe every other weekend - as skye said as ds gets older you may have more commitments anyway - and alternate between them coming to you and you visiting them.

That way you'd only have to eat her food once a month or so. I don't think you can insist you cook at her house given her reaction. But I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for small adaptations eg no butter on your veg and decline the cake.

While we're talking about role models though, your ds really doesn't need to see you eating cake and biscuits all day either!

Just eat small portions when you are there, and do plenty of exercise/activity - but I definitely wouldn't go as often as you do!!

I think it's a REALLY smart plan to avoid dinner -you clever thing, you! I wouldn't take my own food just for breakfast and lunch, because I think it sounds like her identity in the family is very much about her cooking. I know you're trying to set a new habit- and trust me, I know how difficult that is! - but I think you are strong enough to navigate this without total rigidity. I'm saying this not just because it's more practical but because I think it gets you out of a dynamic of control/counter-control, which is hard to avoid with a mother who is that domineering.

You can limit the damage at breakfast and lunch by eating only sensible amounts of food and avoiding her biscuits and cakes like poison. (For some reason, people who eat unheathily can get upset by the spectacle of those who don't - but they do get used to it). I'd also take a bottle of wine for them and a bottle of a low sugar cordial you enjoy which you can request as a substitute for the sugary drinks. If breakfast is really unhealthy, just eat small amounts. Smuggle in healthy snacks that you can eat quietly by yourself if you are forced to eat so little that you're starving.

The comment about you not being a role model to your child by dieting is out of line. I would push back gently on that and say 'I want him to grow up with healthy eating patterns, and I realised mine weren't always the best, so I'm trying to set an example. Did you know that nearly 20% of 10 year olds are overweight? And as a result they're not expected to live as long as their parents? I want DS to have a happy, healthy life'.

Don't take your own food. It is clear that food and cooking is her domain and I suspect any food you bring will be seen as an insult.

As others have suggested, have them round to yours much more and cut down on the visits.

I'd definitely be going round less often. Can they come to you sometimes instead so you can cook? Or maybe book lunch out somewhere with healthy options so that you can legitimately eat something different without it being the cause of drama.

I personally wouldn't equate fad diets like Slimming World etc with 'healthy eating' so I can understand why perhaps she's sceptical. Good that your DH is sticking up for you and being supportive though.

It sounds like she means well, even if she does have an odd (and misogynistic) attitude to food.

Why on earth are you visiting every weekend? Your DS won't appreciate that in a few years when they have birthday parties/activities etc. And it must be crap having no time to relax as a family.

Go less often, and the food won't matter.

Yes its rude to take your own food.

Skip dinner if you can (or eat less), then have "better" options for breakfast - if she's cooking a fry up but Slimming World is good in that almost everything in the fry up is allowed and you'd just have to count the oil as syns. Or would she be receptive if you said you just wanted the eggs? Could she do you a couple of boiled eggs instead (say you've got a bit of a queasy tummy and couldn't face a full fry up). But even if you did, surely you can get through one day with the syns from the oil, rather than risk offending her?

There are better ways than taking your own food.

GigiB you've hit the nil,on the head there. Love = food!

We do go every weekend. But only for an evening and morning. So if we go on the Friday it will be after work and we'll get there for around seven, eat, play with DS, bedtime and then we'll get up and be gone by twelve. The odd occasion we stay later like this week if we're seeing a friend or if SIL decides to visit too. They wouldn't see DS otherwise and I think it's unfair just because of my issues with eating to keep him away from them. Especially FIL who I have no problem with at all. There is no way I would let MiL comment or try to control any of DS's eating habits which I have made very clear. She had an issue with baby led weaning at first and my response was "I Find it really offensive that you think I would chose to do anything for my child that would harm him or not be in his best interests. We have made this decision after researching different types of weaning and it is what we want to do. If you have a problem with it, read up and educate yourself and then comment on it with helpful things not just criticism. If you don't want to do that keep quiet. We are raising our child how we want to and we appreciate you may have concerns but would appreciate your support a lot more." She didn't bring it up again.

We do spend time together as a family of a weekend. The time that we're there usually would just be us at home of an evening and then the morning getting ready to go out. FIL still gets four days at home with MIL and they love seeing DS. I appreciate that as he gets bigger we will have to cut down visits or just do an afternoon instead. I don't like the idea of DS being in the car for three hours in one day which is why we stay over. I think I might invite them round the week after next but take fruit this week and maybe just get DH to message and say that we're cutting down and ask not to buy cakes and everything just for us as they will go to waste.

Thanks everyone

Nail on the head!

I personally wouldn't equate fad diets like Slimming World etc with 'healthy eating' so I can understand why perhaps she's sceptical

Slimming World isn't a fad diet. It's just healthy low fat cooking with strictly limited amounts of bread and processed crap.

Keeping to the plan with cooked breakfast is easy because you just have bacon without fat, eggs, mushrooms and tomatoes, all cooked without fat.

It's the never ending drinking and eating of cakes and biscuits that's the problem.

OP, what do you do all weekend at the ILs? Any scope to go out for walks or bike rides?

But I would definitely only visit once or twice a month at most, never mind the diet and have them over to yours and offer them your food. Are the ILs a healthy weight or overweight themselves? Sounds like they must be overweight if they are eating all the food that you mention. Unless they are keen exercisers, it would be impossible not to be.

Would she be offended if you took along a home made lasagne/curry/casserole - which only meant popping it in her oven to heat up rather than chopping, cooking etc in her kitchen...? A nice person would be delighted to be saved to bother of cooking - but you might get another reaction from her.....she might see it as some sort of bake-off!

I sympathise op, it's hard work to eat healthily when someone else is determined to feed you!

I agree with the poster(s) who advised you to let her know you will only be eating half portions from now on, or only items cooked without fat (must admit I'm not familiar with SW but have friends who swear by it). You'll still be eating at her house, just not as much as she demands you do.

And if she says anything how your son needs a good role model for eating, you can say sweetly 'He does have a good role model - I eat healthily, in moderation and without lots of added unneccesary fat.'

She'll hate you but it will be so worth it

Or maybe ask her to stock up on fruit as you'll happily eat loads of that, but put your foot down firmly wrt cake!

I usually take my own breakfast to MIL's and so far I don't think she has noticed. I eat high protein meals, I like butter not spread and although I love bread I don't like mass-produced ones.
Breakfast at hers is usually piles of Warburton's toast with spread, so I have 1 slice to be polite then eat a protein bar in my room. She thinks I'm not a big eater
Lunches and dinners usually include 2 to 3 types of starchy carbs at the same time (think pizza, garlic bread and jacket potato served together). I eat all of one, a little bit of the others and have another sneaky protein bar.
If you're discreet enough, it can be done!

Food can = love. It can also = control IMO.

I've struggled with my weigh on and off for all of my adult life. Recently though my weight has come off, partly because I stopped being so blooming polite and stopped eating things because I felt that it would be rude not too, or because I didn't want to put people out.

I take food to peoples houses if I am staying overnight without any problem.

The thing is that if you don't make a stand now then maintaining your weigh loss in the future would be really hard. Also, why save your syns for food that you don't even really want to eat? madness.

Get a sense that she is competing a bit for your DH's affections - the suggestion that obviously he must still prefer his DM's cooking etc. So I suspect if you took something substantial she would see it as a direct threat /competition and life would get very uncomfortable (possibly involving PA sulking and attempting to force feed your DH cake at every opportunity ).

Yes, shocking she'd say outright that your DH preferred her cooking! My MIL will sometimes make particular family favourites of DH's when we visit but she'd never be that rude! You seem to be putting up with a lot that is not normal here!

I'm doing a diet program (not slimming world) but a big part of what they are teaching is adapting your choices around what you eat or deciding how to choose what is put in front of you. You can let someone (your MIL in this case) serve what she likes. You do NOT have to eat it. Pick and choose from the plate what will fit with your diet. Eat those items, then leave the rest. Eat a small portion of whatever is served up. Keep some food bars in your luggage for a quick snack if you get desperate.

Honestly, if you can't get a bit of support and/or leeway from family that you are staying with most weekends, it's about control and I would take whatever you need to be comfortable and stick with your diet.

I wouldn't go every weekend if they aren't supportive of what you need to be eating. If it was once a month then I'd say suck it up.

Perhaps you could tell them that it's necessary that you eat SW food for health reasons, eg that you're diabetic/pre-diabetic so you can't have loads of sugary and fatty food?

Because they couldn't object in those circumstances could they? And it's not that far from the truth. Presumably you are on a diet because you are currently overweight and trying to be slimmer and healthier and reduce your risk of diabetes, heart disease and all the other excess weight related health problems that are out there .

If I'm healthy eating and visiing inlaws, I take my own food and cook it seperately. My MIL didn't care at all but my FIL is arabic (they are well known as food= love!) so kept asking why I wasn't eating their fat laden meals.. I just kept saying I'm on a special plan and then moved the convo on!
I'm not making people eat my food, using their food to cook with and I'm not getting in the way in the kitchen as I do it after theirs. This is why people go off diets.. Family pressure, social pressure, traditions... Just take your own stuff pre-cooked if it's for one night, if she's offended then oh well. It's in your power to control what goes in your mouth

It's not rude to take your own food.

I take extra food to PIL's because the portions are far too small and they don't include enough food basically - so I have the opposite problem to you! Boiled veg, literally half a potato each, two broccoli florets etc.

And it tends to be a real bread and cheese board fest most times - which TBH I'm not too keen on really, the meal is based around the cheese.

They are French and I have never seen such tiny portions - two tablespoons apple sauce for dessert? . But loads and loads of cheese?

So I will eat dinner and then have snacks in between.

I always take:

Porridge oats
Fruit
Yogs
Nuts
Cheese

I am past the point of feeling rude - if you don't want me to bring my own stuff feed me more!!