To still be pissed off about this?

[WanderingNotLost]

This goes back a bit, but bear with me!

I have one older bro. When we were both teenagers (he's 3 years older than me) he began to develop a drinking problem. At the time, my Aunt (who's quite wealthy) offered to pay for him to have driving lessons if he would stop drinking. I can't remember if it ever actually happened or not (I don't think he even tried) but the offer was there.

Fast forward 15ish years to present day, he's now NC with my Mum (on and off) and her side of the family and is very bitter and resentful towards them. Recently in a msg exchange with my Mum he brought this up as an example of her family not showing him unconditional love.

I'm resentful about this too, but not for quite the same reason. It pisses me off because at 30 years old I still can't drive even though I'd love to, because I've never been able to afford lessons, and unlike my brother, nobody has ever offered to pay for mine for me, as I've never done anything that anybody would want to bribe me to stop doing.

Who is BU?

Both of you. Your aunt was maybe doing all she could think of to stop your brother's drinking, because she loved him.

You both sound a bit self absorbed and petty?

Or did he want her to pay for them and continue drinking unhealthily?

In this context, petty is fair. Self absorbed is a bit harsh.

Self pitying I probably should have said, sorry

YABU
I agree with first reply

why are you resentful that your aunt tried to get your brother to stop drinking by offering this to him 15 years ago?

at 30 years old it surely would be down to you to learn to drive on your own merit?

Actually. I get this...

My Aunt and Uncle said to us all, that at 17 they would pay for our driving lessons...or they'd pay for them as soon as we were working full time.

My brother didn't take them up on it, so got a £500 leather trench coat. My sister did, and failed. So they stopped paying for the lessons (that was why we had to be working, they'd pay for as many as we needed and our first test, after that it's down to us)

I didn't get into full time work until I was 19....no present, and no lessons.

Was narked for a bit. But then I paid for my own lessons, and tests. And when I passed, I was doubly as proud. Because I'd done it all by myself. With no help from anyone.

I got to choose my instructor, I earned my lessons through hard graft, which probably meant I worked harder at them...because at £40 for two hours....that's nearly half a days wage.

So I do understand why you're a bit narked. But you need to let it go.

There are all sorts of reasons why your aunt's offer wasn't made to you as well as your brother. She might not have been in the same financial situation when you were of an age to start learning to drive, she may have thought that you had no interest in learning (presumably your brother had expressed an interest in order for her proposal to appear effective?), she may have mistaken your financial situation to be better than it really was, and so on. You've been dwelling on this for a very long time now - time to stop, I think.

Obviously now I don't expect anybody to pay for me. But given that where I live the lessons are around £20-25 an hour I won't be learning any time soon! Back then I would have jumped at the chance to learn if someone had offered to pay for it.

To clarify, it isn't something I constantly dwell on. I've only been thinking about it because I spoke to my Mum today and she told me what he'd said. But even at the time I remember thinking, well who's going to pay for my lessons as a reward for not constantly getting pissed in the first place? The answer was (and remains) a big fat nobody.

Dear oh dear, move on OP, your parents or aunt owe you nothing.

I don't feel I'm owed anything. As I said, I'm only thinking about it now because of what my bro said to my Mum. He's the one who brought it up!

It's such a common thing though. I see plenty of threads on here from frustrated parents whose well behaved children are never rewarded for always being well behaved, whereas their perpetually naughty classmates get heaped with praise if they manage to behave for one day. It's no less unfair or frustrating when it happens in adulthood.

You are a grown up. You should have actually grown up by now.

Grown ups pay for their own shit

amnesty please see my above post, starting with "Obviously now I don't expect anybody to pay for me"

But you are an adult OP.

You see threads from frustrated parents. Not 30 year olds still going on about stuff.

At 30 you need to realise life isn't fair and you can choose to view things either in a negative and embittered way or consider your own life's advantages.

Aren't you lucky to never have had a severe alcohol problem, or not to have fallen out with your family or indeed a caring and wealthy aunt willing to help out a nephew (& potentially a niece in the future) who is having a crisis.

It does come across a bit 'Wahh' though OP. Just be thankful that you've not been in the position of having to be bribed, I guess.

My sister got more attention than me, growing up. I noticed and felt unfavoured, less loved. I questioned it as an adult and was told that it was because I was fine, more confident, less needy.

The seeming injustice of it stung, but the most important thing to hold onto is that their motivation was best intentioned.

Again though, I'm not the one going on about it. It was my brother who brought it up with my Mum, as an example of her side of the family not giving unconditional love, because she would only pay for his lessons (material representation of love) if he stopped drinking (condition).

I'm just canvassing to see if I'm the only one who thinks he's an ungrateful arse. I suppose the point of that was lost in my op. It brought out the 16 year old in me who felt hurt seeing him being offered something I desperately wanted as a reward for stopping doing something I'd never done anyway.

But, and please read this and remember it if you reply, it's not something I still dwell on today. I'm only thinking about it now because he brought it up

ok

OP, this will only get worse, when the inheritances start coming in and they are all left to your brother not to you, because he 'needs the help' while you seem able to manage well enough on your own.

He will also get help with buying a house (if he hasn't already) while you will get zippo.

Let it go. You are on a hiding to nothing.

You also said that at 30 you can't afford driving lessons?
Very weird thread indeed.

I'm very confused by this indeed.
If you're not at all bothered by it, why did you create the thread?
Also, even at £20 per lesson surely at 30 you could have one lesson a week for a little while and then save for theory/ practical/increasing your lessons as and when?!

I don't have £20-£25 per hour/lesson to spare, unfortunately.

You need to get over it. There is unfairness in your family, there's nothing you can do about that except get on with your life and do the best you can.

so you are going back 15 years when your brother was offered this as an incentive to stop drinking?

He's an ungrateful arse then