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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To still be pissed off about this?

38 replies

WanderingNotLost · 01/02/2016 00:25

This goes back a bit, but bear with me!

I have one older bro. When we were both teenagers (he's 3 years older than me) he began to develop a drinking problem. At the time, my Aunt (who's quite wealthy) offered to pay for him to have driving lessons if he would stop drinking. I can't remember if it ever actually happened or not (I don't think he even tried) but the offer was there.

Fast forward 15ish years to present day, he's now NC with my Mum (on and off) and her side of the family and is very bitter and resentful towards them. Recently in a msg exchange with my Mum he brought this up as an example of her family not showing him unconditional love.

I'm resentful about this too, but not for quite the same reason. It pisses me off because at 30 years old I still can't drive even though I'd love to, because I've never been able to afford lessons, and unlike my brother, nobody has ever offered to pay for mine for me, as I've never done anything that anybody would want to bribe me to stop doing.

Who is BU?

OP posts:

Original poster

WanderingNotLost · 01/02/2016 01:36

I'm bothered by his attitude about it. He's using it as another reason to resent and ignore my Mum's family, whereas I think he should be grateful.

And being 30 is no guarantee of having a well paid job with over £100 spare every month.

OP posts:

Bake62 · 01/02/2016 01:38

Hes ungrateful of course.
You should rise above.

kawliga · 01/02/2016 01:39

You do realize OP it's nothing to do with you. You do know that it's your brother's life to live and he can be an ungrateful arse if he wants?

OzzieFem · 01/02/2016 01:48

Honestly I don't know where some people get their ideas from these days.

Unconditional love? Maybe as a child we should all expect and hopefully receive it, but as a boozey, resentful, misunderstood adult, forget it! It's about time he grew up.

Original poster

WanderingNotLost · 01/02/2016 01:51

Well it is to do with me, because he brought it up to back up his theory that I 'belong' to my Mum's side of he family and he 'belongs' to my Dad's. He brought it up as a contrast to my other Aunt (Dad's side) who he said does love him unconditionally. It is true that she sees him as a replacement for my cousin, who died aged 28 when we were little. My Dad told me she's leaving her house to my brother when she dies.

I don't like the suggestion that I'm not as equal a part of half my family as he is. I don't like the way it's driven a wedge into my family so that now I'm all my Mum has, and I've seen the hurt his attitude towards and her and her family has caused.

It's all part of a bigger issue obviously. But that he's using this particular thing as an example of my Mum's family not being fair on him, not showing him unconditional love, is pissing me off.

OP posts:

ShesaidthenIsaid · 01/02/2016 01:59

"My Dad told me she's leaving her house to my brother when she dies."

I'd just ask MNHQ to change the thread title.

SilverBirchWithout · 01/02/2016 02:03

Just let it go.

Your brother's opinion of your place in the family is of no consequence to you. Tell you DM to stop fanning the flames of this family feud with repeating it all onto you.

Btw I think your brother is entitled to feel any way he wishes. Whether or not this was the aunt's intention, what she offered may well have felt like conditional love to a troubled young person.

My 'DM' offered and gave me a £1 for every pound of weight I lost as a fairly slim teenager. I have suffered 40 years of various forms of eating disorders so I do know what conditional love feels like.

Original poster

WanderingNotLost · 01/02/2016 02:09

I actually don't care about my other Aunt leaving my bro her house. I do think he only makes more effort with her because he is financially rewarded for doing so, but I've not bothered by her preference for him. That is the absolute truth. Probably because I'm used to it by now!

I just think it's shit that he's using my first Aunt's generosity as a stick to beat her with.

OP posts:

Out2pasture · 01/02/2016 02:12

Your brother has alcohol issues and his conversations show it, you have issues as well as a result of having an alcoholic in the family.
It's very sad that he is splitting the family.
Other than saying I hear you all I can add is that it is difficult to maintain financial promises over time. Part of me understands how someone might have to reneg on gifts of money. The economy has changed over the decades.

kawliga · 01/02/2016 02:43

My Dad told me she's leaving her house to my brother when she dies

Of course she is. Like I said, brace yourself. This is only the beginning.

You can choose to wind yourself up about it, or let it go and move on with your life. Save up for your own goals, make your own achievements, lose the bitterness, and be proud of yourself.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 01/02/2016 04:29

My Dad told me she's leaving her house to my brother when she dies.

Christ, if I were going to get my knickers in a knot about anything - reasonably or otherwise - it would be the brother getting a free house rather than poxy driving lessons.

Katenka · 01/02/2016 07:00

OP I have to vague here.

Mum and dad remortgaged their house to pay legal fees for my dbro. He was accused of something he didn't do. It's all sorted now.

He lost his job because of it. They paid for all sorts for him for years. They still do pay for things for him.

So my dbro has had tens of thousands of pounds that I won't have.

I honestly couldn't care less. He needed help and they helped him. He could stand more on his own two feet now. But I cherish the independence I have. I know mum and dad respect me for standing on my own 2 feet.

And yes dbros relationship with my parents is odd. He clearly resents he relies on them so heavily. But continues you do it. Their relationship is strained.

You need to let it go. It is what it is.

If driving meant so much to you, you should have saved at some point and done it yourself. You can't blame everyone else forever for things you don't do.

PixieChops · 01/02/2016 07:14

I can understand why you'd be a bit narked and yes your brother was ungrateful and probably still is. I also agree with another poster that what it comes down to is probably a more childhood frustration that your brother seemed to get his own way a lot in the past and seems like he still does. That mixed with the fact that he's also an alcoholic. Seems to me that your Aunt was desperate to help him and that's the only way she could think of. I'm glad he didn't take her up on it because I believe that if he would've given up the drink for a bit to learn I expect he may have gone back to it and we'd have one more drink driver on the road.
I do feel some sympathy towards you with regards to not being able to afford driving lessons. I don't get why everyone thinks people are well off on here and can afford to save money/ spend the odd £20 here and there. I'm not aware of your financial position and neither is it any of my business but my DH has only just started learning to drive at the gene age of 32 because we've not had enough money for him to learn. We have two very young children and I don't work at the moment (should be starting a new job in a couple of weeks) so yes money is tight. I hope you're able to learn soon though. As a PP said you'll get a lot more satisfaction from doing it on your own than having help. We have to rely on my parents occasionally for help and it's embarrassing and not very nice but if we didn't have them we'd be incredibly stuck.

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