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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel left out

41 replies

Redmamma · 31/01/2016 20:47

Ok here goes. This seems really silly as I am a grown woman with children and don't think I should feel like this. I can't even put my finger on exactly how I feel, I suppose I just feel sad and left out. Here's why:

I'm part of a group of 6 mums who met at an antenatal class and we often chat on fb. We meet up roughly once a month for coffee. At the end of last year I thought it would be nice to have a night out together so suggested to the group. Only 2 replied but we set a date anyway and started looking forward to it. A few days later one of the mums (we will call her Q) posts on fb that 3 of them have gone for a night out. Oh well.

The week before our planned night out Q pulls out saying her DH has a night out instead that night so have to rearrange. Ok, fair enough. Then the day after the night out that fell through Q posts a photo of herself and one of the others from the group sipping champagne together.

Fast forward a few months and I see on fb that Q has had a party for her DD and invited the whole group and not me.

I feel left out and a bit sad. What should I do? I feel so stupid to feel like this.

OP posts:
bornwithaplasticspoon · 31/01/2016 20:48

Yanbu to feel left out. I can't believe these are 'grown' women.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 31/01/2016 20:52

I think I would just remove them from FB and concentrate on your other friends.

Keeping them around will just make you feel bad, life is too short for shit like this Flowers

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 31/01/2016 20:59

Arranging to see you and then cancelling and seeing other group members instead is awful. Hold your head up high- you are MUCH better than them.
I think people do this because they know that the person they have been so rude to is unlikely to say anything so I would absolutely pull them up on it.
I would send a short message sticking to the facts about cancelling and lying to you. I'd focus on their behaviour rather than talking about how it made you feel and then I'd leave the group and block them. Don't give them chance to reply. Fuck them and don't let it get you down

dawnviews · 31/01/2016 21:01

You're certainly not stupid to feel left out. It's a horrible feeling and let's face it....you have been left out. I wonder how Q would feel if you had a party and invited everyone but her. You're probably better off without this Q woman in your life.

HPsauciness · 31/01/2016 21:02

This is what happened in my NCT group, one or two people got excluded and over time I realised they were really bitchy, even to the people who were 'in' the group.

Just leave the group, block them or whatever you do on Facebook and chalk it up to experience.

It is a horrid experience, I couldn't work out why I was disliked by some of the group (one lady was very nice) but in the end I felt a heck of a lot better once I'd stopped going out with these pretend friends.

CoffeeCoffeeAndLotsOfIt · 31/01/2016 21:03

As others have said, these women don't sound like friends. They've behaved horribly, and I'm not surprised you feel left out.

Find yourself some new friends who appreciate you ThanksChocolate

Griphook · 31/01/2016 21:05

I had the same thing happen with a nct group, everyone and their dog was invited to a party but not me.

I stepped away from the group as it made me feel shit and knocked my self esteem. Bumped into her a few times and she's tried to talk to me but I just smile, say hello and walk on. I wasn't good enough to invite to a party so why bother making snall talk.

bornwithaplasticspoon · 31/01/2016 21:07

Says it all

To feel left out
Flamingoblue1 · 31/01/2016 21:09

Yep happened to me today. I don't think it was malicious but it hurts. I will remain friendly but won't put myself out. These women sound horrible I would leave the fb group too x

KP86 · 31/01/2016 21:11

Rude, rude, rude.

I was included in a group conversation at a regular play group to keep a particular weekend free for one child's first birthday. I kind of forgot about it, but then saw photos on Facebook that all of the other families were invited except us. Quite hurtful!

But, we've moved (overseas) now, and moved on. Looking back on it, that woman wasn't the nicest, so we are better off.

SeaMagic · 31/01/2016 21:14

Watching your thread with interest OP.

I have a similar issue at the moment with a couple of the Mums of my DC school friends.

I really don't get it, it feels like being back at school myself!

Both these Mums will invite me out for a drink and we will go and have a nice time. However they will then go and make other plans and I am not invited to these events, I just hear about them via FB or mutual acquaintances.

All fine and good, they can of course choose to socialise with whom they please. But I do feel left out, like a third wheel with two of the Mums who have become very close. I am not sure how I can entirely back off as our DC are all close friends and so I think Mum 1 & 2 perhaps feel obliged to invite me out to things... But truly, I could do without their blowing hot and cold and making me feel like a hanger on.

Probably haven't explained this very well, my post would get too long if I tried to explain all the little snubs and nuances, but just wanted OP to know I understand how she feels, being also a grown woman with children who feels like a sad and left out thirteen year old Grin

NattyNatural · 31/01/2016 21:33

Yanbu ThanksWine

AllTheMadmen · 31/01/2016 21:37

Poor you op, I agree the only thing to do is literally delete them all and forget them.

don't keep throwing yourself against the wall.

I have similar too with NCT and although I actually really like all the ladies, its really odd situation!

Its horrible though to be looking forward to something then, people get flakey and just drop out.

CaptainCrunch · 31/01/2016 21:37

This situation seems to be incredibly common with groups who met through pregnancy and threads like this appear on aibu with disturbing regularity.

I'm not sure why it happens but think if you're not valued or included the best thing is to cut your losses and move on.

There's no point in calling them on it, they've proved they don't care what you think. Remove them from your life cause you're not a part of theirs.

serin · 31/01/2016 21:44

You are worth more than any of them.

Delete them love and move on.

Original poster
Redmamma · 31/01/2016 21:46

Thank you so much for all your replies everyone.

Do you think I should forget them all or just Q? The others are actually really nice and inclusive. It's just Q who posts all these rubbish selfies of 'mummies night out' on fb.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 31/01/2016 21:51

They don't sound very inclusive leaving you out, and not pulling q up on it. I woukd distance myself from the group as a whole and just keep in contact with a couple that you really get on with. Delete q from Facebook and yiur life.

DarkDarkNight · 31/01/2016 21:54

I couldn't be bothered with this. They seem like they're deliberately trying to leave you out - seriously, if you cancel plans with one friend how stupid do you have to be to put pictures with another on Facebook for the first friend to see.

Just disengage from them, delete them from Facebook. I would look for different playgroups if you want to meet other mums and just move on from this group. Be coolly polite as other have said.

Pinkandbluemcdonald5 · 31/01/2016 21:55

I think this happens when a group that form have one thing in common - about to give birth at the same time. Often your worlds would not collide, but it did. Some NCT groups work well and people have long happy friendships. This one is not for you. Don't ask what happened, just ignore and don't lower yourself to being immature like she is.

DarkDarkNight · 31/01/2016 21:56

Just saw your update, Q is queen bee and the others don't seem too keen to pull her up on it, or invite you anyway.

SweetieDrops · 31/01/2016 22:00

Same thing happened to me, everyone in the NCT group got invited to a christening apart from me.

I was hurt at the time but as time went on I was glad of it, the woman involved in that one turned out to be pretty nasty and manipulative and caused a lot of hassle for those closest to her and I was glad I was on the outside of all her drama once she showed her true colours.

PrincessMouse · 31/01/2016 22:05

If you are not getting anything positive from this group or one particular person in the group then I really think you should move on. Let the group or this person get on with it. Delete them from FB or at least remove their posts from your feed. This way you don't get upset when things are posted. It's not worth getting yourself so upset.

My NCT group wasn't / isn't that close. I see 3 of the original 8 every now and then but I wouldn't say we are close friends. More associates than friends. IYSWIM I am no longer on FB so I have no idea what they all get up to.

On the other hand my SIL & BIL still see their NCT group after 6 years. Their positive experience was the reason we joined NCT. They meet up for meals every 3/4 months at each other's homes and arrange an annual Christmas childfree meal out. I think it's really lovely their group worked out so well but sometimes these things just don't work out. Don't let it get you down. Move on and let them all get on with it.

SuperFlyHigh · 31/01/2016 22:11

Let's be honest here (this is also to most friendship groups like this and I've been part of a non child friendship group where things were made clear to me!).

These people are not your real friends or real friends of each other (hey they dress it up as though they are), they are just people that you met prior to having your babies and since having you babies you have met up and continued the contact. There is nothing you really have in common with each other than your babies and parenting skills/birth stories etc.

By the way this is what I've heard trotted out by countless mothers... The baby/toddler people aren't proper friends we have to keep in touch for Ella/Tarquins sake etc. they normally die a death once you go back to work, kids start nursery etc.

Anything else is incidental and really that's the way you should see this. This is also the reason why ignoring or dumping your real friends after giving birth can backfire on you.

They can do what they want really. So I'd ignore them and move on.

SuperFlyHigh · 31/01/2016 22:13

OP to be honest it sounds as though Q is a queen bee type... You never win with that sort.

I'd also be concerned and annoyed that not one of your other circle said "why don't we invite RedMamma along too?" Unless there's a cast iron reason like you've fallen out with someone, behaved badly etc (doesn't seem that way to me) then they should include you and overrule Q.

noddingoff · 31/01/2016 22:14

Maybe Q organised the other nights out and told everyone that you couldn't make it? Of course, they could all be "Mean Girls" but maybe Q is the only Mean Girl? I wouldn't do any digging with the others or challenge Q if I were you though...can't think how to do it without looking paranoid/pathetic/petty (which you are NOT, and you are definitely NBU to feel left out).
I'd go along to a few more coffee meetups, but only if they suited me, and wouldn't organise anything till I saw which way the chips were going to fall. If you naturally fell in with one of the others then you could be friends with them - could be that one or two of them are kinda sick of Q and would be glad to splinter off. If nobody seems that pushed then I'd let the whole thing quietly slide.

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