To feel left out

[Redmamma]

Ok here goes. This seems really silly as I am a grown woman with children and don't think I should feel like this. I can't even put my finger on exactly how I feel, I suppose I just feel sad and left out. Here's why:

I'm part of a group of 6 mums who met at an antenatal class and we often chat on fb. We meet up roughly once a month for coffee. At the end of last year I thought it would be nice to have a night out together so suggested to the group. Only 2 replied but we set a date anyway and started looking forward to it. A few days later one of the mums (we will call her Q) posts on fb that 3 of them have gone for a night out. Oh well.

The week before our planned night out Q pulls out saying her DH has a night out instead that night so have to rearrange. Ok, fair enough. Then the day after the night out that fell through Q posts a photo of herself and one of the others from the group sipping champagne together.

Fast forward a few months and I see on fb that Q has had a party for her DD and invited the whole group and not me.

I feel left out and a bit sad. What should I do? I feel so stupid to feel like this.

Flamingo I hate to tell you but it is being malicious! My real friends and I don't do this to each other because we're not a set of high school bitches and we're conscious of being sensitive of others feelings. These women aren't sensitive that way or they're like sheep blindly following a leader. So let them...

...also when all you really have in common is reproducing at the same time the conversation is pretty boring and revolves around dull as fuck competitive parenting, bail out op while you have the chance.

Do you have many other friends outside this group? It's not so easy to give up some 'friends' if you don't have too many other options- the choice is keep the not so nice friends or be lonely.

4 of 8 are very close from my antenatal. Me, and A and B and C.
2 of those (A & B) are friendly with 1 other E.

2 others from the 8 are besties. E and F.

Now, my 'D'H had an affair and E and F ostracised me. Removed me from FB but none of the rest of the group.

My thinking on it is:
They were both OW and can't live with seeing the utter pain and devastation affairs cause
They are bitchy and childish and therefore had affairs with married men

I absolutely rejoice I don't have to bother with these women in my life.

My alphabet friends is confusing but my point is please don't bother! They are childish. You can do better.

Super fly I was referring to my situation that I don't feel is malicious I think the OPS is.

OP - some ideas for socialising - Stitch and Bitch groups, meet up groups, groups that do/don't involve kids. Yoga/Pilates.... Preferably maybe in a community centre so if you're there daytime you can suggest a coffee afterwards.

Our local art gallery runs arts and crafts classes and appreciation of arts, book clubs etc. dance classes (salsa is fun and quite easy).

Ah got you Flamingo. I really am so pleased that I can quite easily extricate myself from certain groups and socialise with whom I like. My idea of a seventh circle of hell would be these ante natal groups...

So many of these threads on MN at the moment Honestly, why do some women get a kick out of being cruel to one person in a group? They need to make others feel shit to make themselves feel better?

It's not you OP, it's her. I'd say try not to take it personally, she's obviously just one of those people. Try and keep friendly with the others but maybe quietly (coffees etc rather than nights out) otherwise the Horrid One might try and engineer you out of the group.

It's horrible to be put in this position.

Yeah me too superhigh. So many people are just petty bitches in general x

I think you are right SuperFly, they are not real friends but I was hoping to try and develop the relationships hence the suggestion for a night out. Thank you for your suggestions for meeting more people. I think I do really need to meet people that have similar interests and not just happened to have kids at the same time.

PagesOfABook - yes I have a couple of other groups of 'friends/acquaintances' and I'm truly close to one mum from my 1st Nct group (been on holiday several times and supported each other through mc and pnd).

I suppose being excluded has just made me feel really shit and I'm sitting here thinking I must be really boring or something. But your replies have made me feel so much better so thank you xx

That is just so mean of them. Block the lot of them from FB because there's no point in making yourself miserable thinking they're having a great time. the only thing to do is to m0ve on and make new friends. I agree Q seems to revel in ruling the roost and making everyone dance to her tune. You are not being childish. This is not a nice feeling for anybody.

I think you are getting some bad advice here

It is wuite normal for there to be groups within groups, certain friendships run deeper etc.

I would unfollow Q (no need to delete, just "unfollow") and keep the door open for the others.

Maybe step back a little

But there is nothing to be gained from burning your bridges with all of them by dramatically flouncing.

Try to just accept each friendship for what it is.

I have friends and am in groups where others go out a lot more, even go on holiday together. I could feel left out and sad, or I can understand that their DH's are also pals, that their friendship is closer than mine, but that that doesn'tmean we don't still like eachother too. And enjoy eachother's company.

As others have said, I think that these kind of playground antics are very common in these types of groups. I was in a similar group years ago. There was a vile queen bee type who made it very clear she didn't like me and, I realised after a while, another mum too. We got left out of things, talked down to etc etc. The others seemed to pander to her, I now realise because they didn't want to be excluded themselves. In the end, we had enough and stopped meeting up with them. We actually told some of them why (not Queen Bee). They agreed she was rather bossy but didn't seem to want to do anything about it. We both made a bunch of new friends through another activity and soon forgot about them. We heard a while later that the others eventually had enough of Queen Bee and told her to sling her hook! This made me laugh but also made me realise what spineless idiots they were to condone the treatment my friend and I received. Over the years, I've crossed paths with a couple of them. Initially, I was polite but now I just look straight through them.

Get away from this group - you're better than that. There are nice mums out there but it can just take a while to find them.

You'd need to be made of stone not to be upset. And you'd need to be made of something equally hard-faced to do it, IMO.

I agree you should distance yourself. Don't unfriend or block, as that's going to cause ripples and in most communities you never know when you could meet someone they know, but to the top right of any post one makes you can click "unfollow" and then you won't see anything they do in further. Makes life much easier.

I agree with Ganoush

Distance yourself from Q, unfollow her, but you don't cut off the others just yet. Step back a bit, spend time with other friends, meet them for a coffee if it fits in with you.

But don't take it personally. People do weird shit for whatever reason.

I disagree, I would absolutely delete Q and feel bloody better for it. Keep in touch with the ones you really get on with, and concentrate on your other friends.