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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding etiquette

54 replies

Squiff85 · 31/01/2016 20:01

If someone gives you a large amount of money for your wedding, do you think you should you try and include them/ get their opinions too or do you think that it's a gift and it's tough luck, you can do with it as you wish?

OP posts:
Chottie · 31/01/2016 20:03

If the money is a gift, that's exactly what it is and there should be no strings attached.

(IMO) :)

Cric · 31/01/2016 20:03

When we got married and were gifted money from both sets of parents. We would include them in different things. So for example we spent PIL money on the wine so all went wine tasting. It was really nice and we all had a lovely time!

Cric · 31/01/2016 20:04

They didn't make us feel line we had to do that but we wanted to!

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 31/01/2016 20:06

My uncle paid for our wedding but he didn't have any say in the arrangements, although we did make sure that he would like the food, drink etc.

MaidOfStars · 31/01/2016 20:09

I would have refused money with conditions attached. But it's probably nice to keep the giver in the loop.

Muskateersmummy · 31/01/2016 20:11

We were given money by our parents towards the wedding, we told them what we were using it for but that was about it

theycallmemellojello · 31/01/2016 20:22

I think you have to listen to the opinions of the giver. If they want to dictate, you're best returning the money. But IMO it is cheeky to take it and then ignore their wishes, though I know that's not a popular opinion in here.

Writerwannabe83 · 31/01/2016 20:28

My dad gave me £2'000 towards my wedding and was happy for us to spend it how we wished.

My mom bought the wedding cake but was happy for me and my DH to pick whichever one we wanted.

My PIL paid for the renting of the suits and as a result they thought they should have a say as to what suit my husband and his best man wore. It was very, very awkward.

NerrSnerr · 31/01/2016 20:37

My inlaws also paid for suits and really wanted blue when we wanted grey. Saying that, MIL wanted to overrule my decision on wedding ring even though we paid.

Hackedabove · 31/01/2016 20:47

No conditions on the money we received from both sets of parents.

Ameliablue · 31/01/2016 20:51

You don't need to ask permission for how to spend it but you could give some indication in a thank you card, but not necessary as you may not know straight away.

Original poster
Squiff85 · 31/01/2016 20:52

Incase its important I am talking 18k. It'll pay for the majority of the wedding

OP posts:
CallieTorres · 31/01/2016 20:53

Your mil wanted to choose your wedding ring??? 💍?

ZiggyFartdust · 31/01/2016 20:55

You don't have to do what they want, but "thanks for the cash, now fuck off" isn't the way to do it either.
I would imagine most reasonable people can navigate a reasonable path in between.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/01/2016 20:55

If someone liked me enough to give me that much cash, I'd hope I liked them enough to be interested in their opinion. My parents made a substantial contribution to our wedding. They made no decisions but were involved in the planning, eg came to tasting with the caterer, asked opinions about other things. Things that were important to me, I paid for myself.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 31/01/2016 20:55

Well there's a drip feed!

The thing in picking up on is it will pay for the majority. They don't even get that amount of money in Don't tell the bride.

NerrSnerr · 31/01/2016 20:56

Callie yes, I wanted a thin band and she wanted me to get a thick one (think 1970s). We ended up going back without telling them and ordering and we didn't mention it again.

VikingVolva · 31/01/2016 20:56

If the donor is putting strings on the gift that you just can't put up with, then do not accept the gift.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 31/01/2016 20:57

Posted too soon - seriously. If it's a gift, then no, they don't get a say. If they want input, the question you need to ask is how much input are you willing to give them? Would you consider saying no and going for a smaller wedding on your terms

NerrSnerr · 31/01/2016 20:59

18k I would give them a say. Maybe not with style of dresses etc but I'd expect input on venue etc.

Sairelou · 31/01/2016 20:59

£18k?! Shock surely that would pay for the entire wedding?

Hackedabove · 31/01/2016 21:03

That was just a smidge more than we had off parents. SIL got married 7 weeks before us so I think In laws put their stamp on that one, my mum kept saying 'they fleece you every which way' but still didn't say what we should do with their share. Although we never told my dad how much the photographer cost (that's my mum and me!)

Hackedabove · 31/01/2016 21:04

If they're only giving it on the condition you do things they way they want I would decline the gift.

slebmum1 · 31/01/2016 21:05

I think for 18k they get to have a say or at least be involved in the process.

We didn't accept any money from out parents as I knew it would just cause friction. We paid and did it exactly as we wanted.

Epilepsyhelp · 31/01/2016 21:16

My mum paid for the wine so she chose it for me, but that was a real bonus for me as she's much better at that than me! She wouldn't make any decisions without me tasting them, even the white wine I didn't like.. It's still your wedding no matter who pays, but if they want some input I would definitely listen.